how women move on after a break-up

[icarus27]

I thought of the woman I was with those years ago, the dreams we had. Enough time has elapsed for me to see that relationship warts and all, yet I compare to the desert in which I have been walking, walking in all the years since then. I am one of those people whose friends are all getting married, and even having firstborn children – there is no question that I cannot do the singles thing with them. I persevered with online dating for years, picking myself up each time after things went wrong. Along the way, I have been played by individuals, to the point where my concern is not so much who the person is on the other side of the table I am meeting, but how and how quickly I need to see through their lies and deceit. My concern has become what is happening to me inside – how I turned from someone who gave love to the person he cared about … to a wary animal, who roams this wilderness, constantly aware of traps.

 

The woman I once loved threw away our relationship, although she neither admitted it to herself nor me, because she wanted to go through the party phase of her life. She was 23. Years later, this time when I made sure to involve myself with a more mature type of woman, I met a 30-year-old who turned out to be a rabid commitment-phobe. In a turnaround that defied belief, she went from talking about children with me, to dumping me in 12 hours. And then going from admitting to never feeling anything even close to love for anyone before me, claimed she had fallen in love with another man in 3 weeks.

 

I am trying to square this circle. There may be no such thing as justice after all. How can such emotionally unstable women be walking around in society with men on their arm – gaining kudos from their coupled status, being well on their way to the house and the white picket fence, all the while the house they now build is on the grave of what they did to me – the promises broken, the lies told with impunity. These women believe they had a right to act the way they did. More so, there are many others who would applaud what they did. Some will say, I’m sure, every woman has a right to a party phase in her life.

 

I know nothing of these women’s lives after they broke up with me – by that token it could be said, anything could have happened. They may have gone and jumped into abusive relationships that went to rats**t. But I have observed enough female friends, colleagues to notice that the way things are – usually these people lead a charmed life.

 

I can’t square this circle.

[waveseer]

You can be whoever you want to be. You can also be whoever you want to be relationship-wise. The choice is yours and your past need not define you today. There are plenty of trustworthy women out there just as there are plently of trustworthy men. Does it suck when we run into the untrustworthy ones? Why yes, yes it does. Does that mean we won't recognize a trustworthy person when we get to know them? Why no, no it doesn't. Mean people suck, but luckily not everyone is mean.

[potd2009]

I am a woman who dates men. You know, my last boyfriend stayed with me for a year despite not actually being in love with me (I was in love with him.) When he dumped me, it was seemingly very easy for him to readjust to being single. It has been incredibly painful for me to do the same. Though, as far as I know (we are in sporadic touch), he isn't seeing someone new - it's completely within the realm of possibility that he could meet someone new and be much more into them that he was into me. And I know that would be a total mindf*ck, very difficult for me to deal with.

 

Not that this justifies how he acted towards me, but sometimes people just don't develop the right feelings for someone no matter how long they stay in a relationship. And other times, those same people meet new people for whom they feel deeply, and things move very quickly. It's hard as hell if you're the ex who never got what you wanted from them. Believe me, it has nothing to do with gender. Women get screwed over by men or women they're in love with all the time, just as I'm sure men do.

 

But it's life. At the end of the day, if your ex couldn't feel the way for you that you wanted them to, I figure it's better to know sooner rather than later. What's devastating to hear after some months or a year or three would be far worse if heard five or ten or twenty years into a relationship. And after they've realized they don't feel for you that way, I figure it doesn't matter (except in terms of the sting) whether they find the love of their lives the following day, or twenty years later. If they can't make it with you, why does it really matter to you, you know. Or, put differently, I get that it hurts, I really do - but once you realize there's no possibility of success between the two of you, better to start working on letting it go and moving on.

[coolchick64]

he could meet someone new and be much more into them that he was into me. And I know that would be a total mindf*ck, very difficult for me to deal with.

 

Heh, welcome to my world . . . it is a total mindf*ck, let me tell you.

 

Icarus, I think some people seem to move on fast and seem happy because they really need relationships in an unhealthy way and will get into one just to be in one, even if it's not great. You said it---you don't really know the truth about their new situations and believe me, there's always a lot more going on behind closed doors than anyone ever realizes.

 

You sound like you're living life with your eyes wide open, holding out for genuine feelings, etc. That's living a passionate, honest life. It's hard because truly great relationships aren't a dime a dozen. Maybe that's why so many of us are on here---we realize the value of a good relationship and can't understand throwing it under the bus for no good reason---but anyway, you're doing the right thing and eventually, you'll find it.

[johndoe13]

I am feeling exaclty the same way you are; deceit seems to be a la mode nowadays; since my ex left me out of the blue I have felt a lot more cautious with people...I find that people I meet are in some other dimension with different concerns... I haven't met anyone since (1.5 years ago) the ex left... I guess I am not ready for any rollcoaster ride...

 

I stopped talking to my ex-best friend (cause plain ignorance on his behalf; says the most idiotic comments...until he made fun of my situation) , my mom is mentally illl, my dad lives in another country and my brother had a little baby... so I know the feeling of being lonely.

 

I think the best cure is to make yourself the priority...gym, guitar lessons, clean nice house, travel..

 

Regards,

[EQD]

all that glitters isnt gold.

 

thats a lesson you should try and learn.

 

house+kids+spouse DOESNT = happiness.

 

and also we all weave in between confusion, being lost, and being found. all our lives. you are cycling through it just as they are. but that doesnt mean for another time, person, or place that they wont be able to acquire a healthy relationship.

[icarus27]

Thank you coolchick

[finishlast]

icarus27- I can understand where you're coming from man, and what coolchick said really does hit the nail on the head.

[Thornbirds18]

I think it's not just about women. Among both genders you can find people like that. I'm a woman but I can feel for you because none of the men that I dated knew what they wanted for life but they strung me along for at least six months to a year. Then out of blue they either said they were "not in love with me" or they "don't deserve me". What an ironic lie! Deep down I think that it's their issues because they are so afraid of belong alone and being themselves. As far as what I know quite a lot of people who are deceitful actually lead a seemingly decent and happy life. But who knows about if they are truly happy. So learn our lessons, keep our eyes open and try to avoid people like that as much as possible. There are still some gold out there, so be patient and keep your faith. Cheers!!!

[FriendnorFoe]

if anything I have learned alot, whats good and bad in and about ltr's but I just cant shake this fear of being rejected again, I wonder if I will be able to let anyone in again, I prolly will cause I am a sucker for love, but it has really changed me as a person and my views on a partner and I dont wanna feel like that again. But its not like any oppurtunity has come up to see how I would feel about that, I know I should be patient, but in 6 months it dosent really seem like any one has been intrested in me, I dunno I havent really been looking for a relationship,

 

I know I am not ready yet, but I dont think I am putting off a creepy dumpee vibe, then again I havent really gone out to meet women outside of my work or daily errands and stuff, like I said I am not looking for a relationship, I dont even care for a one night stand, why so I can fuel my ego for a day or so, it seems sometimes like women can have their pick of any guy and they just feel privilidged to be with her, not trying to generalize but my ex entered a relationship in a matter of weeks after the breakup and is a attractive person that not many people might turn down, not saying I am not a good looking guy, it just really brought down my confidence even more when I found out about that.

 

Man I should have never contacted her, I realized now when people preach NC there are so many more benefits from it we dont see at first, more than just to say "NC is to get you back." Yea, I dont argue that it is the truth, but its also helpful to not either open new wounds or reopen old ones.

 

Lol, humor me, does anyone ever feel like acting like a little kid with a tantrum, pouting and banging your hands against the wall saying "its not fair", lol, I would never actually do this, I am a grown ass man, but the thought has entered my head and kinda makes me laugh a little about it.

[JonasWaingaro]

Mine moved on fast, crazy fast. Sad really. I think CoolChick has it right. Well said! As to 'it's not fair!' I say that everyday. Makes me feel like an idiot. lol I don't do the tantrum part though...yet.

[servedcold]

Good looking women do lead a charmed life in relationships, but why is that? It's because there's always some lesser man around the corner willing to kiss her ass because she is hot. That is the fault of men, not so much the woman's. After being treated like nobility because of one's looks for years, after having any level of bad behavior tolerated, a person becomes spoiled. It's fairly simple, begins at an early age for "Daddy's little princess" and yields the same results as for any of the other of the hordes of spoiled and indulged children, male and female, one sees these days.

[WomanWriter]

This can apply to men too. My ex was extremely hot and I was not up to his level look-wise, so when he realized that a lot of girls liked him in high school, he started getting cocky and mean whereas before he was sweet and humble.

 

Even on the dating sites, I notice that the good-looking guys are only after one thing or they sound really arrogant and are looking for some perfect woman (look-wise) that I will never live up to.

 

I find myself avoiding exceptionally good-looking men because I don't want to be rejected by them.

 

All I want now is someone with a cute smile and awesome personality. As long as there is chemistry, forget the GQ types.

 

 

Good looking women do lead a charmed life in relationships, but why is that? It's because there's always some lesser man around the corner willing to kiss her ass because she is hot. That is the fault of men, not so much the woman's. After being treated like nobility because of one's looks for years, after having any level of bad behavior tolerated, a person becomes spoiled. It's fairly simple, begins at an early age for "Daddy's little princess" and yields the same results as for any of the other of the hordes of spoiled and indulged children, male and female, one sees these days.

[Lonewing]

I will never understand the whole "You deserve better" argument. I suppose it is the other person recognizing that they are selfish, and they are feeling guilty for how you are loving them because they know they could never in a million return your love to you and mean it - because they're too busy doing whatever they want all the time.

 

I just need a good decent family girl.

 

house+kids+spouse DOESNT = happiness.

 

Oh yes it does. Yes it does. Yes, It Does!! It's Stabilty, Family, and Companionship, all in one. that is, if there is truly love involved by both people, and they both have a deeply vested interest int eh relaitonship.

 

Unfortunately it seems too many people have Relationship ADD nowadays - OHH!!! PRETTY BOY!! I LOVE HIM! Wait - Who are you again??

[FriendnorFoe]

This can apply to men too. My ex was extremely hot and I was not up to his level look-wise, so when he realized that a lot of girls liked him in high school, he started getting cocky and mean whereas before he was sweet and humble.

 

Even on the dating sites, I notice that the good-looking guys are only after one thing or they sound really arrogant and are looking for some perfect woman (look-wise) that I will never live up to.

 

I find myself avoiding exceptionally good-looking men because I don't want to be rejected by them.

 

All I want now is someone with a cute smile and awesome personality. As long as there is chemistry, forget the GQ types.

 

I understand this completely, I was not as shallow as my ex, she was very picky on looks for guys, I found her attractive for who she was, but I agree Id rather take a cute girl with a good personality over the gorgeous snob any day. I stopped dressing up caring about my looks so much after we had been going out for a while, but so did she, then she got a job where she had to start looking nice again, got alotta guys hitting on her, maybe that fueled her ego, then she looks at me and realizes I am not attractive anymore, pretty shallow indeed.

 

I dont really have much in common with my friends I have had since high school now, we have some of the same hobbies, fishing, hiking, which makes for us to hang out adn do things. but more so recently I realized most of them are very shallow, arrogant dudes like many others I know. They were talking about "slampigs" rating girls they knew 1-10 scale, whether or not they would let this chubby girl from work blow them??? I dont have anything to add to those kind of conversations so I dont even humor them, likewise when we are driving somewhere and an attractive girl walks by I dont deny I notice them but I say to myself "hmm thats a pretty girl." they like to share aloud all the nasty sexual acts they would perform on them which I dont care to hear.

 

Maybe I am nieve or a gentlemen, I know confidence is an attractive quality, I dont lack this, I know who I am and what I am, but it seems like girls would rather have an overly confident, cocky arrogant guy than one who is content and sure of himself.

[EQD]

 

Oh yes it does. Yes it does. Yes, It Does!! It's Stabilty, Family, and Companionship, all in one. that is, if there is truly love involved by both people, and they both have a deeply vested interest int eh relaitonship.

 

 

easier said and thought than done.

[Lonewing]

That's becasue there's four hands in the relationship and you only ultimately control two of them.

[coolchick64]

yeah, I know plenty of people who are married, with kids, and house who are deeply unhappy---never have sex, can't get along, feel very trapped. It can be a living hell. Relationships need continual work and attention. Getting married is just the beginning!

[peterson5880]

It is def both genders. I for one have had 2 relationships in my life, they were 3 years apart. I don't understand people who move on so quickly but IMO and from what I have seen they are not very stable, healthy people and are usually very emotionally unavailable which is why they have no problem jumping from one pond to the next.

 

Just because people are "together" does not mean they are happy whatsoever. Many people can not stand to be alone so they will take any warm body they can find until that person wants to get close, then they jump ship and move on to the next one. I actually feel very sorry for those people. Though I have not been with many men, I know my feelings were deep and connected and I have no problem waiting another 3 years if it means the right one will come along, the person I deserve.

 

ICARUS27 -

 

Is there a certain trait in these women that you see is a common one, other then the emotional unavailability - there is a chance you seek out something subconsiously in these women that is a trait to which is a red flag indicating they aren't healthy for relationships. Just a thought.