advice please!

[joethe]

So me and my girlfriend have been on and off for 3 years. We have a 2 year old son together. We recently broke up for 3 weeks and got back together 3 days ago. Through out the last three days she kept texting me saying how much she loves me and how much she wants her life with me back. then today i took her to the store and droped her off. She texted me after i left saying that she felt a bit unconfortable around me. I replied saying i always feel like that when we break up and get back together. I told her its becuse we havent really spoke for 3 weeks. Then she texted me saying:

 

"I want to take everything slow. With everything going on in my life i dont think im ready for us to be back together, i think we should just be friends for a while"

 

This crushed me, i didnt text back nor do i even plan to. What should i do? i think im just not going to talk to her at all, no texting no calling, Nothing! She is so on and off. To be honest im really upset at the fact that she would agree to getting back together then springing this on me. So im not even going to reply to her texts anymore, and whenever i have to pick up our son im just going to pick him up and leave. is this the right way to go about this?

[DN]

I think it is basically the right thing. Just tell her that you need to get a proper visitation schedule worked out with your son. When you see her to pick up your son be polite and distantly friendly but don't engage in conversation.

[joethe]

after she wrote

 

"I want to take everything slow. With everything going on in my life i dont think im ready for us to be back together, i think we should just be friends for a while"

 

I didnt text back, then she wrote:

 

"I love you" is that okay with you?

 

Then she texted me again saying:

 

"We've gone this long.. We owe it to ourselves to take it slow this time, im not ready. And you havent given me an explanation of anything you have tried to say"

 

still havent texted back now she just wrote:

 

"Well i guess thats that. If you cant understand and respect the way i feel im sorry but im being honest with you and myself most importantly"

 

This is making me so mad, i shouldnt text back right? she just knows that im always here for her and will pretty much do anything to keep our family together. Im assuming this is why she is saying all this. What should i do?

[joethe]

I think i gave her too many compliments, within the last three days since we have been back together. I keep telling her that she's beautifull and how much i love her.. I just think i was a little too pushy. i think its best if i completley back off and let her breath. I shouldnt text her back right? or should i?

[zinny]

Hi joethe,

 

I might not be the best person in giving you advice - since I have a very similar problem. But it seems like your situation is close to mine - in that the person we want doesn't commit to us totally but still gives us hope... and expresses feelings.

 

I feel like I'm living in limbo and I'm guessing you are too.

 

The advice I was given was very true, in that it takes two people to want a relationship in order to make it work. So the only thing you can do for now is think and do for yourself.... I've decided that I don't want half a boyfriend and so I'm just living my life for me and making the best of it.

 

If you want to make it work - unless she does too... you won't be able to make it work. So if she wants to be friends... and you can handle that... then be her friend. If you can't just be her friend, you have to be honest with her too... but just look out for your own heart...

[joethe]

zinny, sorry your in the same position. It is hard knowing that the person you love doesnt want to be with you right now. I am going to do just that live my life, not reply to her texts or calls. She needs to know that i dont need her, i was just being nice and kind by giving her a lot of compliments and letting her know i appreciate her. That whole thing flipped on me. I should of just played it cool. Well i learned from my mistakes

[zinny]

I think your ex does have feelings for you.... but why she is so on and off - I have no idea. As a girl... I know that I've tried to play it cool... and keep my distance from a guy I like, to try to ensure he was always more into me. But as I've grown older, I realize that this is not a way to make a guy want to stay with you....

 

I don't know what your ex or my ex is thinking or feeling... but I do know how it feels to be on your side. So if you ever want a neutral third party to bounce ideas off of... you can message me

[joethe]

thanks, the funny thing is that i know her so well. Within a week she is going to text me saying she's ready to be with me and misses me. This just makes me think, maybe she's not in it. Maybe she wants to go out this weekened with her girlfriends without having to make an excuse to me.. i dont know

[joethe]

i did not text her back all day yesterday, Last night she texted me once again sayin:

 

"Can we talk about this?i dont want to lose you.."

 

I texted back saying:

 

"What is there to talk about"

 

her: "Why cant you talk to me?"

 

Me: "Please just stop, ive had enough pain for one day"

 

Her: "Why cant we maturely talk about this"

 

Her: "You need to talk to me and work through these times with me and find a median conclusion i know you hurt and im here to help but you pushing me out of the picture puts big scars on my hear. I almost think this is a lost cause, step it up or walk away"

 

I never texted her back, that last text made me so angry. What do i do?

[DN]

Tell her the only two conclusions you will consider is a proper relationship or a permanent break-up in which you work out how to co-parent your child. Tell her you are not interested in anything in between.

[joethe]

i want to say that so bad. but i already know what she'll say. She will say if you cant wait for me then im abviously not worth it to you.. I really want to be with her but need her to see what she has and for her to put forth more of an effort to be with me.

[DN]

You don't have to do this on her terms. She needs to understand that it takes two to make a relationship work and she can't keep fading in and out of your life. Either she's in or she's out. What you have now is her pushing and pulling you in all directions. She won't respect you for that.

 

Even if she does say that there is a good chance that if you say "Your choice" that she will start to realise what she needs to do if she wants you in her life. The time has long past to put a stop to her indecisiveness.

[joethe]

i couldnt agree with you more. She has been pulling and pushing and she does need to make up her mind in what she wants. I think im going to give her space for a few days then tell her we are either together forever or apart forever. You cant have both ! Is this the right way to go about this? thanks DN

[Tanzi]

i want to say that so bad. but i already know what she'll say. She will say if you cant wait for me then im abviously not worth it to you.. I really want to be with her but need her to see what she has and for her to put forth more of an effort to be with me.

 

Thats emotional blackmail. And what about what you are worth to her? Is it fair for her to keep you dangling?

 

You said in a previous post that she said you were leaving scars on her heart because you dont want to talk ... well, again, what about the scars on your heart every time you break up.

 

She can't have it all her way. There are two of you in this relationship and she needs to consider your feelings as much as she wants you to consider hers.

 

I think you need to explain to her that unless she is ready to fully commit you need time alone to heal.

[coolchick64]

I agree with the other posts about protecting yourself, but I also think you have to reach some kind of understanding about communication moving forward. You have a child you'll be raising together, so it would be nice if you could be on the same page, even if it means no reconciliation. I think she has to understand why you're doing NC before you start.

 

I also think this isn't a good issue to work through via text. You two would probably have an easier time communicating in person. You might want to go into this conversation with an open mind. Try to understand what she's feeling, what she needs from you, etc. Then, go away and think about whether it's something you can do and under what terms. I know you're hurting, but if you mean what you say about getting back together, you'll have to let down your defenses a bit.

[joethe]

Yes i agree every part of what you said made perfect since, i deserve something as well and not to be dragged around like this.. im am going to say exactly that, but going to wait a few days. She needs time to thinks as do i.

[DN]

I don't think it is wise to wait a few days. Nothing will be served by that except that she will probably draw the wrong conclusions.

[joethe]

why would she draw a wrong conclusion if i wait?

[joethe]

2 years ago i cheated on her, i regret it everyday. I still think she has a hard time trusting me. And it seems that everytime we get in a fight she brings it back up. I think thats another reason i want to give her space, and another reason why she is so on and off with me. I just dont get that two days ago she said she wants her life back with me then 2 days later she tells me she needs time. Can any girl explain why should would be so on and off like that?

[DN]

Because she is pressing you for a decision about what she wants you to do -to accept her position. To wait any longer could seem to her that you are not only rejecting that position but have decided to move on.

 

You can't spend the rest of your time paying for cheating. Either she gets over it or she needs to move on.

[joethe]

i finally just wrote her and said:

 

I do want to be friends but need time to completely heal

 

 

i wrote this because i feel that she needs to realize that im sick of the bull * * * * and will not be here forever..

[DN]

But you don't want to be friends. You want her back.

[joethe]

i know, i just want to see if im even worth it to her anymore.

 

she just text back with:

 

"You dont get it!! I want to be with you!! i just want to take it slow. Give us a chance"

 

Then 1 min later she texted me with

 

"You need to work with me. Dont ignore me"

 

What do i say DN?

[DN]

Tell her that she needs to work with you as well and that a relationship takes two people being on the same page. Not one person dictating what they want.

[joethe]

wow..

 

I wrote

 

"If we want this to work we have to work together. We both have to be on the same page with everything. Not one person dictating what they want, instead us taking this time to better understand each otherand growing as a team. Cause in fact thats what we are."

 

She wrote back with

 

"Goodbye, this is buill * * * * !"

 

* * * , this is crazy did i say something wrong? what do i say now? this is unbelivable