Trying to move on but I cant! Women, please help!

[INeedHelpFast]

Me and my ex of 2.5 years have been on and off for the last year. Each time I ran back to her, but the problem was consistent, (me feeling like I had to fight for attention with another guy friend of hers, I sometimes felt 2nd best). I loved her, and I kept running back, but this last time I couldn't take it anymore, and she gave me an ultimatum, so I chose to leave if she couldn't respect how I felt. Within a few weeks after that, she tried to badmouth me, lie to everyone as to what had happened, put up pictures of her and that guy online to make me jealous, but I ignored it all.

 

A month and half has gone by, and she just seems so bitter, not that "extremely nice girl" I once knew. I saw her once and she tried to pretend she didnt see me, yet I went up to her gave her a hug, asked her how she was and such. She seemed rather upset and down.

 

I called her a few days later and asked if we could talk face to face (so I could explain why I broke up so she wouldn't act bitter). She told me there was nothing to talk about, but then again she gave me reasons why she couldn't ? I said it would be appropriate to have closure since we ended over a text message, but she said she already got her closure... so I've left her alone.

 

 

This is my take on it, correct me if I'm just trying to make myself feel better: She lost that tremendous "power" she once had over me and is slowly breaking down.

 

I can't "heal" because I still love her. I find myself worrying that she feels the anger from me breaking up with her, rather than actually trying to figure out what went wrong. Is she just channeling the anger to get over me? But then again why would she give me reasons as to why she cant talk to me, but play the "victim" role and the "hurt girl"? I can't heal because I'm worried that I hurt her. Should I just continue NC and see what happens?

 

I'd appreciate ANY advice other than "move on", I've tried moving on but I just can't knowing that she is acting like this.

[Casanova4life]

cut your losses. be happy on your own first. at least you were strong enough to end it. i wasnt and i paid a painful price for it.

[hypatia]

You said you were on and off for a while before this break-up? Did you initiate the other breaks as well?

 

If she was inappropriate with her male friend, then you have a right to discuss this and ask that she maintain proper boundaries with this friend. If you kept reacting out of jealousy and your own insecurities and breaking things off with her, then I can understand why she'd be angry at this point.

 

If you want her back, I think your best chance is to send her a letter or email (since she won't meet with you to discuss things). I would apologize for whatever you feel you did incorrectly, offer to make ammends, and tell her you will work on your own issue with this. If you feel you treated her as untrustworthy if she was being faithful, apologize for that. Tell her you regret your decision, and would like her to consider giving you another chance.

 

If she did nothing objectively wrong, don't talk about her behaviour, just focus on your own in the letter and see if she responds.

[INeedHelpFast]

Well the thing is, the other times we had broken up, it was because she wouldn't respect how I felt and at times I felt like a doormat. I feel like since I kept running back to her, she took advantage of me because of that. As for writing that email, I know I did nothing, what bothers me is that she lied, that's why I broke up with her. In addition, instead of admitting that she lied, she tried to cover it up with more lies. I just wanted to know, based on her last text msgs which I wrote about in the first post, is she just playing hard to get? Is there a reason why she LOOKED miserable but ACTED tough over text messages?

[AutumnBorn]

Yeah, there's a reason why she looked so miserable. She's miserable. She sounded tough in email because that's how she was feeling at the time. It's waves of emotion - misery, lonliness, empowerment, anger, relief, sadness.

 

You need to go 100% NC. That's the only way to think clearer about this. Don't worry about her. She's got a support system. She'll feel whatever she's feeling, purge it, and either change or move on.

 

You need to do some reading on covert manipulation (sometimes called passive aggressive behavior) and deception. Not only to help you understand what happened in this relationship, but to help avoid the same mistakes in the future and have a loving, healthy one. I'm working on this myself - I have a stack. There are lots of books out there. You can look for "It's So Hard To Love You"; "In Sheeps Clothing", lots of others. Also, "Uncoupling" is supposed to be very good. I haven't read it yet, but plan to soon.

[INeedHelpFast]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

 

shuttlefish- I've gone strict NC and am not tempted to contact her, so atleast that is a good thing!

 

casanova4life- yeah I agree, I need to be happy on my own first. Sorry to hear the way you paid a painful price for it.

 

hypatia- I'm slowly learning each day that the problem wasn't with me, but with her and how I was taken advantage of. I'm fighting to bring myself up to the fact that I cannot change others. I know this is bad, but I make myself happy by making others happy, and I guess that's why its even harder for me right now.

 

AutumnBorn- that was exactly what I was looking for! I googled it and read some articles and it clearly describes my ex. It sums up everything I've been going through during the relationship! I've been reading reviews for "In sheeps clothing" and plan to buy it soon!