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I can't understand my ex's behavior but it breaks my heart

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In the past week, I had emailed her indicating that I thought she might have some of my things, and I indicated that she had left some of her things in my apartment.


She contacted me tonight, over IM, and she seemed angry throughout. She demanded to pick up her things tomorrow morning. I told her that I really didn't want her to stop by in the morning, because I was going in to the office, and I didn't want to be all emotional all day, and I know if I see her it will just leave me with this agonizing feeling of loss, freshly opened wounds.


I asked her if she could meet me in the morning of a day I didn't have to go in to the office, or if she could meet me in the evening. She got upset, acted like I was being totally unreasonable, and she said "this is why we can't be friends."


So then I said that I would be willing to meet her in the morning if she would reconsider completely shutting me out of her life... even though seeing her would kill me. She said "i can't and don't want to be in your life."


I told her that I would mail her things to her parents, and she was really upset and was like "I can't believe you won't even let me pick up my things." I don't understand how she couldn't understand why I didn't want to see her-- I really wasn't trying to be disagreeable, I just didn't want to see her then and subsequently have to pretend at work that I didn't want to die inside.


She told me she didn't want to hear about my grandmother's health (she has cancer), and that there was just no way for me to be even kind of in her life. I don't understand this, how she could be so close to me (right before we broke up she spent a couple weeks vacationing with me at my parents' house) and then just want me utterly out of her life.


She thinks that a year ago when we were broken up that I hooked up with one of my co-workers-- we were friends, but I never cheated on my girlfriend, even when we were broken up, though she will probably go to the grave thinking I did -- one of the last things she said to me tonight was "I suggest you work on yourself and moving on. Figure out what you need for some balance, and figure out how to put someone else higher on a the list of priorities in your life. I'm sure ----- is thrilled to have you back."


This is a person I haven't talked to or seen in over six months and who doesn't even live in the same city anymore. I said to her "to be fair, she lives in another city and we don't speak.." to which she responded "not my business" (although if thats true, why did she bring it up?)


I said to her, at the end, "Bye, I'm sorry, I really did love you. Good luck." She responded with "Thanks, It really just better this way."


I wish I understood any of this. I don't know how, after 5 years, she's just okay with not having me in her life at all, or how she could come to the conclusion that I can't be in her life even a little. I get that she stopped loving me, but I don't know why, and I don't feel like I'll ever know really.


I know people will say that it is probably better, that I shouldn't be in contact with her anyway-- and that is probably true. But I wish it could be on my terms, my choice to stop contacting her, and not something forced upon me for reasons I can't ever understand. 5 years is a long time to lose someone completely from your life without really knowing why....


Am I being totally irrational? Should I just accept all of this and try to stop thinking about her? How do I do that?

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oh man i ran into something like this before... except not as long as yours 3 years but its plenty for me. we randomly broke up and i asked why. why are you doing this to me.. after three years etc, etc and i never knew til this day... we some how ended up being together again for a short term because it just didnt feel right.. and i broke it off with her.. why someone acts like that i have no idea... of course you would want her back in your life.. but only time can fix that. just do what u got to do to give her her crap back and go on with your life... watch one day you guys will some how talk again.. but in the mean time try and take care of yourself.

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If she's not acting like herself it's probably because she's not feeling like herself. Just let her go do her thing and let yourself mend.


I hope you are right -- I mean, at this point, I get that we are broken up and that we aren't getting back together, but I do hope that she isn't feeling like herself and that at some point, she will reach out and say hello or something. I know its probably too much to ask that she wake up one day and realize what she has lost-- i just fear that she has so firmly hardened her heart to me that she will never again think about me in anything but negative terms. I get that it really doesn't matter what she is thinking or feeling, and that I should focus on me, but it is just so hard. I just wish I could understand what happened, and that we could get by without pretending forever that the other person doesn't exist.


She sent me one more message, asking me why I still wanted to be friends with her anyway. I offered my explanation, but then she just responded with "and yet, I can't even pick up my * * * * from your apartment."


I explained again that seeing her in the morning would leave me in an emotionally bad place for the rest of the day, and that I wasn't trying to be disagreeable or make things hard for her. She replied with "ahuh." and then blocked me.


I'm sure it sounds so childish, certainly not like something someone who is almost 30 would be worrying about....

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I can see myself in this picture soon DAMMIT!!!!

I have some things of my ex's.


I hate her guts right now and her complete disregard to our past.


Knowing her to be a down to Earth person, then turn into some party girl with no morales to fit in with her "friends."


Going off with the next drunken monkey for a bit off excitement while under the influence.


My thread like this will come sometime soon.


Try to stay strong to her irrational inconsiderate behavior.

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If the stuf isn't particularly important or sentimental, throw it out and say it never existed. Sell it, pawn it off, unless it's important, otherwise it's just stuff and an excuse to get back in the same time and space once more.


Just mail it to her parents if you have to do the right thing and give up on ever seeing your stuff again.

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People might not agree with me but I'd go with a hard line with her. She is pushing you and I'm betting it's because you let her because of you emotional state. I tell her when and where to pick up her stuff (or you drop it off) and don't let her have a say in the matter. It's time to push back to at least get some respect. Drop off her stuff and tell her you rather not ever hear from her again. Make it look like it's your choice that you 2 aren't talking.


If she is this way after a year of being broken up then you need to write her off for good. She won't make a good friend and I'm sort of against being friends with ex's anyway as it causes problems with new relationships. It's time to get angry and find someone else. Your ex is being selfish and unsympathetic so screw her. Sorry if that's harsh but...screw her.

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Sorry to say but it seems that you do not have many options but to let her be, as you stated before.


When someone expresses the fact that they do not want you in their lives in any capacity, there is not much to do. We all do not enjoy the feeling of being rejected at any level and especially in intimate relationships. The only way I have found to lessen the unplesant emotions that come in reaction to this, is through acceptance.


In accepting that this is what she wants at this time, and that you cannot do anything about it, diminishes the emotions that you find unpleasant. Not causing yourself additional suffering by not reacting to this situation is the only factor in your control.


Accepting how she thinks and feels (again no control over that) right now, can take the uncertainty built into the future out of the equation. Since you cannot change what has happened, the only time left to your is this moment since it the only one that we all have anyway. Concentrating your efforts in either the unchangable past or the uncertain future, is an useless endeavor and takes away from what you can accomplish right now.


Wanting things to be other than they are right now (for how can they be?) keeps us dwelling in the images of the past and projecting into the future only those outcomes that we find acceptable (though many more are possible). This can lead us into more suffering.

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It's called manipulation. It's not even very covert - she's pretty obvious about it. She's pulling your strings and you're reacting just as she knew you would - it's a control mechanism. It's could be completely subconscious on her part, but that's what's happening, nonetheless.


You need to react way differently than she expects and be firm.

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