just want that boy out of my head already!

[TheRock]

hey guys,

 

I found this article/letter on another website. I thought is was really inspirational. Let me know what you think of it.

 

 

.· Awakening .·

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

 

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of"happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

 

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are . . . and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you(or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

 

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

 

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

 

Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

 

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

 

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

 

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love . . . and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.

 

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely . . . And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

 

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK ... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

 

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

 

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care of it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

 

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

 

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

 

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed,a long hot shower.

 

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

 

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to as best as you can.

 

- Unknown

[disEnchantid]

hey all

I never had a chance to respond, but I think that Rock's post is amazing. It's beautifully written and so, so true. It is almost calming just reading it. thank you for finding that piece, Rock, it is really inspiring.

 

dE

[kungfumaster]

I agree with Disenchantid. Thanks Rock. Wow - the person who wrote that was in a really good place. The wisdom in those words just blows my knawgan. I hope to get to that place someday too Keep 'em comin' Rock!! 8)

[healing]

Wow...what a great thread!

I believe I was meant to find and read this thread this morning!

Thank you to all of you for openly and honestly sharing your process!

[kaboom1218]

Here is more wisdom to absorb. This article, by Dr. Kate, is invaluable and I mean INVALUABLE for those tryin' to forget their exs and pain that is attached to those memories or those who have any other unproductive thoughts. This helped me last year when I was going through an ordeal and can use it now, since I'm in a similar boat, to my disgust. Check it out and hope it helps. Someone had made reference to this type of info. being worth a fortune and I could sell it, but feel that this is the small contribution I can make to a community of healing hearts. It's long, but worth it. I couldn't find the original URL, so I had to scan it and save it in a funky format to even copy it. All for the sake of recovery and to help all of my fellow strugglin' victims of love! Enjoy!

 

Thought-stopping can be used to stop any bothersome, nonproductive thought (e.g., worries, missing your last boyfriend thoughts, low self-esteem thoughts, unhealthy obsessive thoughts), and replace them with healthy, productive thoughts (e.g., relaxed thoughts, hopeful thoughts. "I'll find a new person who's more compatible," "I'm a good

person," "Everything will be OK" thoughts).

 

1) Start by identifying the type of thought you need to change. For example, if you are obsessed with your ex, it would be all thoughts about your ex. If you have low self-esteem, it would be all negative, denigrating thoughts about yourself. If you worry too much about something, it would be every time you have an anxious thought about that issue. If you have sexual obsessions, it would be every time you think about sex or at least that unhealthy obsession.

 

2) When you get one of those thoughts, say, "Stop It!" to yourself. (Not out loud, unless you want to get arrested!) Then say the opposite of whatever is bothering you. Phrase it in the most positive, uplifting way. For example, if you get a thought like, "I miss my ex

so much; I'll never be happy again," you say, "Stop It! I can be happy with someone else and I will be." If you get a thought like, "He didn't love me, and no one will ever love me again," you say, "Stop it! I am lovable, and I will find someone compatible who will love me just as

much as I love him." If you're trying to study and getting a thought like, "It's useless,"you say, "Stop It! I'm going to do my best and I will focus now." If you get a thought like, "I wonder what she's like in bed," you say, "Stop it! I like her as a complete person."Be careful that the replacement thought is positive and uplifting, and remember to say it

after the, "Stop It!" In other words, don't just stop the thought - replace it with that positive, uplifting thought. Otherwise, you are just thinking negatively.

 

3) Then turn your attention to what you are doing, if you are doing something important (e.g., writing checks). If you aren't doing anything that requires concentration (e.g., doing something mechanical or semi-automatic like washing dishes or driving a car), have a positive fantasy that does not remind you of what you are trying to forget (e.g.,

plan your day, plan some project you're working on, have a passive fantasy about floating down the river on a raft). Be sure it's a positive, healthy fantasy and does not remind you of whatever it is you're trying to forget.

 

4) Calmly repeat this process every time you get one of your unhealthy thoughts.

 

5) In the beginning, you will find that you're thinking your unhealthy thought for awhile before you catch yourself. However, as you continue to practice this technique, you will get faster at catching yourself. In addition, in the beginning, after you stop the thought, it will return again. You'll be in the middle of your fantasy, and there it will be! However,

the more your practice the technique, you will be able to keep the thought away longer and longer, until one day you suddenly realize that you have forgotten ____ (whatever was the problem). That is the nature of the technique; in order to truly notice that it has worked, you have to "remember" that you once had difficulty with it, but then you forgot

it!

 

6) One caution: Every psychological technique can be used in an inappropriate way, or at an inappropriate time, to make it unhealthy, rather than healthy. For example, if you use this technique to forget about paying your bills, it's not healthy! Or if you use it to avoid feeling guilty about having an affair, it's not good. Basically, use the technique to cease

bthoughts that are unhealthy or pathological for you, so that you can behave in healthy, productive, ethical ways. Do not use it to become more unethical, unhealthy or pathological.

 

7) Also, don't use the thought-stopping to completely avoid taking positive behavioral action that can help you. For example, besides stopping thoughts about your ex, send in that Photopersonal, or join that introduction service, so you can find someone compatible in the future. And if you're constantly worrying about bills, make up a workable budget — some solution that will solve the problem in the future.

 

8) There are times when you can use the technique to temporarily stop a thought because you have taken whatever action you can, and have put it on your "Things to Do" List (which you do consult!). If there isn't anything you can do about it now, worrying and obsessing about it is unproductive. If it's midnight and you're in bed worrying about something you can't take care of tonight, get up and write it down; then go to bed and use

the thought-stopping so you can fall asleep and be well-rested tomorrow.

 

9) In addition, use the Search function in the Dr. Kate listbox. Enter "thought-stopping," press "Search," and you should come up with all the Dr. Kate advice letters that mention various ways to use thought-stopping in different situations. By reading them, you should be able to adapt the technique to your situation.

[TheRock]

You are welcome!

Hope you are well.

[disEnchantid]

hey healing,

I'm glad this thread helped you...it seems to have almost turned into a little self-help article forum ;-) I think that the thought-stopping technique has merit, but I know that when I think about the ex it's not because I *can't* stop myself, but because I almost don't want to stop myself from indulging in a little sad reminicsing. I guess a part of me still isn't ready to let go completely, and the only connection I have left to the person I thought he was is in my mind. I know that the world didn't end because someone decided I wasn't worth the trouble anymore, but sometimes I still miss what I thought I had, even though it was all an illusion, just smoke and mirrors he built so he could get what he wanted from me.

Why is it that we can be unhappy in a relationship, and then when the other person leaves us, we stop caring about those times that we were made to feel wretched, and only hold onto those fleeting glimpses of romance, satisfaction and contentedness?

In our idealization of our exs, we lose sight of the fact that if they really were "the one", we would still be together! When my ex first broke up with me I cried to a friend that the ex had all the qualities I was looking for, and my friend said, why don't you add "appreciates you" to the list? It was like a little weight was lifted for me, so I guess he *wasn't* perfect for me, huh?

So to all my hurting brothers and sisters, please try and remember that you deserve to be loved and respected and appreciated and should *never* settle for anything less, and no matter how much this person seemed like they had everything you wanted, they were missing that crucial element essential to a good relationship which is "won't break your heart!!!"

 

stepping down off my little soapbox,

-dE

[TheRock]

Hey dis,

How are you? I hope you are well.

I think we hold onto those moments of satisfaction, romance, and content because those are the parts of the relationship that we truly enjoyed and valued. I think we also are trying to reconcile why our partners couldn't provide more of those times, because they were clearly capable of making us feel that way at times.

While it is also a natural tendency to idealize our ex's and blame ourselves, I think it is also important to try not to do this. It is important to realize this because they were/are not perfect either. We begin to accept this and as we look toward the future, we begin to see a new world full of wonderful possibilities.

[disEnchantid]

hey rock!

thanks, I am doing well and I hope you are as well I am doing my best to look forward to the future, especially to starting school again soon and moving to a new place, it is now just a matter of getting through the next couple months at my unfulfilling job until that happens! Like you, I have been spending more time doing things I enjoy and it really pays off in the sense of accomplishment and pride that can give you.

here's to the future! haha

 

dE