Reconnected with an old guy I dated 4 years ago and confused (Very Long)

[babymichiru]

So I hanged out with a guy I used to date 4 years ago.

 

Here's a backstory 4 years ago

 

We were dating for 3 months casually. We got along, I was so attracted to him, we had a lot of chemistry. I feel like I was falling for him. However, we never talked about anything serious about us.. or anything about us so I still continued to see other people. I was really into this guy but I wasn't going to put my eggs in one basket.. and besides, 3 months was too early to be exclusive (i thought at the time) anyway and I figured we will get there eventually.. so I was going with the flow.

 

There was a time when we were talking about him wanting me to come over to his place the same night and I told him I couldn't because I made other plans that day. He asked "do you have a date?" I said yes and it went downhill from there. I got the feeling he was really mad but then he said he had to go and couldn't talk to me anymore because he was busy at work. I'm like fine. But anyway, I cancelled my date because I wanted to make it good to him. I went to his place that night instead. He acted really coldly to me that night and he said everything was ok and I was right, we weren't exclusive so he shouldn't be mad. He was distant but we still had sex.

 

I remember the next week after was rough. He was still acting coldly despite him telling me he wasn't mad. Actually, he stopped talking to me and he wouldn't see me. We only talked when I talk to him first (before the incident, he always initiated everything). He said everything was fine but he keeps telling me he's busy.. and I actually remember valentine's day was coming up and I told him we should do something.. he told me he had to go to his mom's place that day so he couldn't. I knew that was just an excuse though.

 

So anyway, I couldn't take the cold treatment anymore so I told him I was coming over to his place one of those nights. He knew I was coming. I went to his place and this guy wasn't there. He made it a point to go out that night because he knew I was coming. I called his phone many times and asked my friend to call (he picked up my friend's call but ignored my calls). I don't know what came over me but I was waiting at his place for like 3 hours. He came home extremely drunk with a blonde girl on his arm. He saw me and he was like.. "look, you wanted to date other people, I'm dating other people." He kept telling me to go home (and i really should have but I really wanted to talk to him) and I grabbed him.. but grabbed his necklace by accident and pulled it out from his neck (his dad gave him that necklace before his dad died of cancer We were screaming and fighting right then and there and he pushed me out of his place.

 

That was basically it. It was over.

 

Two years later, he emailed me that he wanted to be friends. We talked online for maybe like 2 months.. and not once did I mention I had a boyfriend.. this was boyfriend I love and care about extremely (I still love him til now) and I had no intention of cheating on him.. but I wanted to know what this guy who pushed me out of his life wanted from me. I finally told him I had a boyfriend and he was okay with it. I added him on facebook and he was my facebook friend for a few weeks until I put up vacation pictures of me and my then boyfriend. He deleted me right away (I noticed because out of a sudden, I couldnt see his profile anymore). I waited a few months and I asked him why he deleted me when I thought we were friends.. this was his exact words "we can never be friends."

 

So fast forward to 2 months ago.. my boyfriend of almost 3 years and I broke up on February this year and I was just curious about this guy so I added him on facebook around July. He instantly emailed me saying.. "friends? you okay?" I didn't reply. I knew he would either add me or reject me.. it was fine.. I wasn't hung up. A week later, he replied to my friend request and added me. We talked once on facebook.. (he initiated) He asked me why I added him and I said I was just curious. He said "So you thought about me out of blue?" Another week passed by and he sent me a facebook message saying "want to get together?" I asked if he was asking me out on a date and he said "Getting together doesn't have to be a date." So I'm like ok (I wanted to see this guy). He mentioned twice this wasn't a date.. even said something like "Even though its not a date, wear something nice. I dont want people thinking I hang out with housewives in rollers and slippers and sweat pants." (That is his sense of humor)

 

So finally we set a date (it took 4 weeks because I had other dates and I have to schedule him in.. and when I was finally free, he was in Egypt for 2 weeks). We went to see UP! I noticed all throughout the movie he kept looking at me.. like every 5-10 minutes. Sometimes he'll say "are you crying?" but most of the times, he would just glance for a few seconds and go back to the movie.. but will do this like every now and then. I pretended not to notice. But I have to say, all throughout the movie, I was just thinking how attracted I really was to him. He looked the same as he did 4 years ago.. super good looking, 6'4 190 lbs super in shape guy.

 

After the movie, he asked me if I wanted to grab a drink and he took me to this place... it was almost like a secret bar.. it was hidden. LOL. I asked him twice... Why did we stopped seeing each other before? And he would be like "I don't know.. it's been years." That was always his response.. even when I asked him 2 years ago online. He would always say that. We got our drinks and I asked him the 3rd time (after we talked about our family and other things) why and finally he said "Is it really that important to you?"

 

This is what he said I was really attracted to you. When we were dating, all I wanted to do was rip your clothes off and be all over you (he didn't say it in a sleazy way, btw, but more like a matter of fact voice). However, I always felt that you had a shell surrounding you and never once did you let go or let me see you without that shell. I never knew what you were thinking or feeling. You were always nice and sweet and never once did you manipulate but I could never read your mind. I always felt guilty when we had sex.[/i]

 

He also said: "I also felt that you were too fancy for me and that you won't like me.. the real me. I'm just a simple guy." (I told him I'm also a simple girl!!)

 

Notice that he didn't mention being mad about finding out I was dating other people. I didn't bring it up because I believe he was sincere in what he said but I knew that wasn't the reason for us not seeing each other again... but what he said was valid.

 

I told him, he should have told me all this before.. instead of refusing to speak to me. He said he didn't know this then.. that he just realized this years later. He also said he didn't think I was into him and that I was only mad when we stopped seeing each other because I have never been dumped before (not true).

 

I told him he was wrong and I was really into him. He quickly replied he was really into me too. And then he said "Now what do you want? Get married and have kids?" I said "Get married and adopt a dog" and he's like.. "no, kids come first.." lol.. blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, he asked for forgiveness.. that he should have talked to me but he didn't know then. He asked if I want to hang out with him again. I told him all these years, I always wondered his side of the story and he said "so this is it, then? You got your closure and you go on your way?" I laughed.

 

I don't remember when exactly during this time but he did kissed me once while we were having our drink. This was sometime after he asked for my forgiveness and I told him I'll think about it. He kissed me again before I got into my cab. When I got home, I got a txt from him asking me again if I want to see him again and I told him I can be persuaded. He replied.. good, i can persuade. He also said "sorry for kissing you" and I said, it's fine.. it's probably the alcohol and he said "no, i've been thinking about kissing you even before the date" and I reminded him it wasn't a date (I paid for the tickets because he was 15 mins late and he paid for the drinks) and he said "Duh, of course, sorry."

 

I really like this guy. I was so into him when we dated and I am so into him now. It sucks because I have a date tonight and tomorrow and I know my full attention won't really be with them anymore. I don't want to make the same mistake again with this guy but I'm not going to stop my social life after our one hang out either. Besides, I really can't get my hopes up.. I'll just end up disappointed.

 

We went out Wednesday night and so far, he has txted me everyday. It's just weird.. cause yesterday, he txted me "how was work?" I talked about work, he replied back and forth like 3 times and then I asked how was his work was, I haven't heard from him since then. This was at like 5pm.

 

Now what? What does this mean? Is he playing games with me? ](*,)

[waveseer]

I don't think he's consciously playing games. I think he needs a lot of reassurance that you are into him.

[Siriana]

He also said "sorry for kissing you" and I said, it's fine.. it's probably the alcohol and he said "no, i've been thinking about kissing you even before the date" and I reminded him it wasn't a date (I paid for the tickets because he was 15 mins late and he paid for the drinks) and he said "Duh, of course, sorry."

 

 

wow you handled that converstation badly.

He's slightly insecure and he wanted some sign you like him.

 

 

Seems like you guys like each other but don't have the same style.

It might be the problem as much as it was before.

[annie24]

wow you handled that converstation badly.

He's slightly insecure and he wanted some sign you like him.

 

 

Seems like you guys like each other but don't have the same style.

It might be the problem as much as it was before.

 

yeah, kind of thinking the same thing myself. he doesn't sound really communicative and i think that might be a problem. and kind of wondering if the same thing might happen again - you had this nice date with this guy, and now you have another date tonight. not a problem, of course, but considering that the last time you guys dated you broke up because he was upset you were dating others (despite not having had the talk about exclusivity), i can see things going down the same way again.

 

my advice, for what it's worth, coming from a single girl, is to maybe be more open with him this time about what's going on in your head. or ask him for what's going on in his head. maybe not right this minute, as you two really just went out on one date, after reconnecting after many years. but clearly he has a real thing for you, it seems he really liked you, and was hurt by the vacation photos because he really fancied you.

[DN]

Sorry but from what you wrote if anyone is playing games it would appear to be you..

 

You dragged out of him why it all went bent before, he apologised although it was partly your fault and wanted to see you. The he asked for your forgiveness and you said you would think about it!!

 

Why on earth would you say something like that?

 

And now, although you are really into him, you are going to date other people - exactly the behaviour that made him break up with you in the first place.

 

If you really want this guy it is time you stepped up to the plate, told him you would like to date him and only him and be very clear about your messages.

[babymichiru]

Sorry but from what you wrote if anyone is playing games it would appear to be you..

 

You dragged out of him why it all went bent before, he apologised although it was partly your fault and wanted to see you. The he asked for your forgiveness and you said you would think about it!!

 

Why on earth would you say something like that?

 

And now, although you are really into him, you are going to date other people - exactly the behaviour that made him break up with you in the first place.

 

If you really want this guy it is time you stepped up to the plate, told him you would like to date him and only him and be very clear about your messages.

 

No No No, don't take it the wrong way. I am not playing games with him and he knows when I replied I will think about forgiving him, it was a joke. I told him.. give me 5 reasons to forgive him and he gave me like the same 5 bogus reasons. He did say he knew I've forgiven him already.. because I came out to hanged out with him.

 

I am into him.. I am really into him but keep in mind I only saw him once. So now I'm supposed to cancel dates and not go out because I saw him one time? I'm already seeing these other guys for a month or so now. I still don't even know when we're hanging out next. I want to wait and see it goes from here before I commit myself exclusively. Remember he even made a big deal of telling me when we were just hanging out and it wasn't a date before the day we hanged out.

[babymichiru]

I don't think he's consciously playing games. I think he needs a lot of reassurance that you are into him.

 

I want to reassure him that I am into him.. but how without sounding needy. We've only been out once and it was hanging out, not a date. I want to go out with him a couple more times before I bare my soul to him.

 

yeah, kind of thinking the same thing myself. he doesn't sound really communicative and i think that might be a problem. and kind of wondering if the same thing might happen again - you had this nice date with this guy, and now you have another date tonight. not a problem, of course, but considering that the last time you guys dated you broke up because he was upset you were dating others (despite not having had the talk about exclusivity), i can see things going down the same way again.

 

my advice, for what it's worth, coming from a single girl, is to maybe be more open with him this time about what's going on in your head. or ask him for what's going on in his head. maybe not right this minute, as you two really just went out on one date, after reconnecting after many years. but clearly he has a real thing for you, it seems he really liked you, and was hurt by the vacation photos because he really fancied you.

 

He isn't communicative and the problem is, I'm not either but I am trying. I wanted him to open up about us. It's really hard for me to get out of my shell. He said he could never read me, but I couldn't read him either.

 

I don't want to happen the same thing what happened before but I am not putting hold my other dates after one hang out. I still don't know what his intentions are. He txted me and he just stopped out of a sudden even though I know he got my txt.

[annie24]

if you would rather date other guys than this guy, that's fine, that's your choice. however, given the fact that it broke you guys up before..... maybe you should think carefully over who is more important to you.

[babymichiru]

if you would rather date other guys than this guy, that's fine, that's your choice. however, given the fact that it broke you guys up before..... maybe you should think carefully over who is more important to you.

 

I would rather just date him exclusively... but it's sooo early right now. I don't want to jump the gun. I wanna see him a couple more times before I even think about us being exclusive. I mean, I don't know his status right now. All I know is that he's single.. but he might be dating other people right now, you know?

[Siriana]

OMG what's up with that dating culture over there.

I am from Europe and over here it is not considered clingy dating ONE person a the time. And if you date someone for a while there is no exclusivity talk and all that crap. It is assumed you are exclusive.

So I would be honest with the guy.

And I wouldn't date other guys - because I don't think you'll miss that much in a month of not dating other people.

And I would tell him openly that I hope we'll go on a DATE again and that you're looking forward to it.

[DN]

I would rather just date him exclusively... but it's sooo early right now. I don't want to jump the gun. I wanna see him a couple more times before I even think about us being exclusive. I mean, I don't know his status right now. All I know is that he's single.. but he might be dating other people right now, you know?

There is no reason you should not date other people - but if you want this guy what would be wrong with putting that on hold for a while until you can find out if there is anything likely to happen with this guy?

 

Remember - you can do what you want. You can date other people or not.

 

But he can do what he wants too - and if he decides that he isn't interested if you are dating other people that is his right. So you have a choice - date other people and miss your chance with him or put your dating on hold until you know what will happen with him.