Should I stay I or should or go?

[Aussiebloke82]

Here’s the deal I’m a 27 year old guy, who has been with my partner since I was 18 and have been married for almost 18 months now.

 

Short Version (for my fellow men):

 

She cheated on me once before we got married about 2 years ago and then again at the end of last year, can’t trust her, want to know if I should I stay I or should or go?

 

 

 

Long Version (for the ladies and ladies at heart):

 

 

We’ve had a very strong relationship over that period, we never really fought over anything important and from the outside people would say we looked like a couple that would last forever. But for the last 2 years our relationship has been anything but perfect and frankly getting married was what has killed our relationship. In the lead up to our wedding my partner who was initially very excited to get married (it was really her idea to get engaged), suddenly got cold feet and started to freak out about being a young married woman. She feared that she would lose her identity and be forced into the mould of the stereotypical wife. She really feared that people would have negative perceptions about her just for being young and married (she’s 2 years younger than I am). After many long talks I assured her that I didn’t want her to change, she didn’t have to change and I loved her just the way she was. We got married went on our honeymoon and had a great time, but when we got back she would freak out when people would ask us about our wedding, want to see photos etc etc.

 

She started wanting to establish her own circle of friends that was separate to our mutual friends. She’d go out on the weekends without me, not wanting me to come along, she guarded her phone like the crown jewels and became very secretive about her facebook and wanted her own login to our shared computer. I complied with all of her requests as I knew she was having difficulty coming to terms with being married and I just wanted her to be happy.

 

However after one particular drunken night without me, she confessed to a small group of her new friends that she had a one night stand with one of her close male friends a few months before we got married. So the next day she was compelled to tell me as she feared that they would tell me before she did. I was completely gutted by this, but instead of blowing up in her face I decided to be supportive of her as she seemed genuinely remorseful and regretted what she had done. And in the end it was one f**k up in about 7 years so I thought we could move on. She promised she’d stop pushing me away and we’d be stronger as a result. Fast forward to end of last year (about 6 months after she told me of her one night stand) and the same old pattern of behavior started all over again, going out without me on the weekends, being super protective of her phone and facebook and getting quite frustrated with me for no apparent reason.

 

Red lights started to flash, sirens were screaming and I knew something was up. One day she left her facebook open and being very suspicious instead of logging her out as I’d usually do I checked her inbox and to my surprise there was an email to some guy saying (the very short version) “she had fun that night but since she was married nothing more could come of it and they should just be friends”. I was fuming and was ready to tell her to pack her bags, but after a few days of keeping it to myself I decided that our relationship was worth saving and I confronted her about it. She denied it at first but in the face of the evidence that I presented ( phone records with about 100 text messages to this guy) she couldn’t deny it and she told me that she had hooked up with this guy in his car after another boozy night without me.

 

Fast forward again to today (8 months later) and we’ve been to couples therapy, but yet the same old behavior still persists, wanting to go out without me, guarding her facebook like a mofo. Trust = 0 and when she says "I just have to trust what she says" I just can’t believe her. She’ll bombard me with 1 million reasons why, what I’m being paranoid about is wrong but in the end I just can’t take what she says as the truth. I know she still has a thing for the last guy she hooked up with as she still sees him on the odd occasion through work and he’s treated her mean and certainly kept her keen. I know this, because I’m ashamed to say I secretly (and to this day it remains a secret) installed a key logger on our computer. It records everything she types, the websites she visits and even takes screenshots. And I know she checks out his facebook profile every day at least once or twice without fail. She’s done this for the last 3 months that I’ve been checking.

 

To end my constant checking of this key logger and sneaking a look at her phone I’ve asked her repeatedly to delete his number from her phone and his profile off her facebook. But she just defiantly says no and refuses to do it. She says this is the first step towards me becoming this controlling monster that would never let her go out and have no friends.

 

I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do, This isn’t what I signed up for and I’m thinking of just ending it sooner rather than later. She keeps saying one thing and doing another. I know this because the key logger never lies, unlike my wife. I’ve become this jealous, paranoid almost controlling person that I hate. This isn’t who I am and I just can’t continue on like this. I don’t want to end up a bitter twisted man. She says she wants us to work and get better but I don’t know what to do. We have no kids no mortgage, should I just end it now and move on? What do you think?

[langford]

he’s treated her mean and certainly kept her keen.

She has done likewise to you,please wake up she has no respect for you and im not suprised as you have no respect for yourself.

 

I cheated on my long term bf he forgave me [not that i asked him too I wanted to leave] and I only did it again and again he never let me leave,I lost all respect for him,even now I feel the same. Anyone who tolerates this kind of behaviour doesnt have much self value, so its not hard to see why she is unable to find any in value in you or in your relationship. Please just walk away,its so hard but someone will treat you with respect and love.I am with somone now and I would not cheat on them in a million years because I know they would not tolerate it and I would lose them.Leave her ,let her ego be broken,let her miss you and see how much she values you.It certainly might have woke me up.

[sarahN]

Leave her. Do you really want to spend your time checking up on someone? I used to date a guy that traveled all the time. One time I found a very odd text, and I knew. So I talked to my grandmother and she said you should never be with someone you have to check up on. It was powerful because she had a 60 year marriage. It's hard... but you are young. You will find an amazing person that is true to you. I promise.

[petite]

You have done all that you can. She does not see to care about the marriage as much as you do. I would separate, if someone did that to me.

 

Your other option is, go counseling again, close her facebook, and no separate log in passwords and whatnot. If she is honest, there wont be anything to hide. After all she is the one that messed up.

It's up to you if you want to spend time checking up on her, but if you want to salvage what you have, then it might be an option.

[loulee]

I’ve become this jealous, paranoid almost controlling person that I hate. This isn’t who I am and I just can’t continue on like this. I don’t want to end up a bitter twisted man. She says she wants us to work and get better but I don’t know what to do. We have no kids no mortgage, should I just end it now and move on? What do you think?

This marriage is a sham. She has no respect for you...look at you now!!..everyday must be horrible for you with a scheming, unfaithful, cheating wife, who shows no respect is completely untrustworthy, on all levels, is selfish. thoughtless and predictable..

get your self respect back and get out of this shell of a marriage and work on getting your life back. You are so unhappy but scared also of being alone. Weigh it up..You are already alone in many ways.. You need to think of yourself now and no one else. And start finding your happiness on your own. Your wife has serious issues...and taking you for granted is not one of them as she does this with ease. Do not be her doormat any longer let her go wipe her feet on someone else.You deserve far more for yourself surely...make a move it will be hard but it will NOT BE harder than the turmoil you are going through now...you have little or no reason to stay or even want to that I can see.

[Siriana]

I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do, This isn’t what I signed up for and I’m thinking of just ending it sooner rather than later. She keeps saying one thing and doing another. I know this because the key logger never lies, unlike my wife. I’ve become this jealous, paranoid almost controlling person that I hate. This isn’t who I am and I just can’t continue on like this. I don’t want to end up a bitter twisted man. She says she wants us to work and get better but I don’t know what to do. We have no kids no mortgage, should I just end it now and move on? What do you think?

 

Oh yes end it.

You have a full right to do that.

I don't see why you have second thoughts about it.

She is making you look like the world biggest fool.

[Capricorn3]

Your biggest mistake was going ahead with the wedding after she cheated on you just a few months before. I'm actually surprised you went ahead and married her (to me, cheating is the biggest deal breaker out there).

 

I think the sooner you get out of this marriage, the better for you. She has proven time and time again that she is NOT trustworthy and has been messing with your mind for a some time now. She has no self-respect, has no respect for you, nor your marriage. Is this really who you want to live with for the rest of your life?

 

I say cut your losses as soon as possible and you'll have every chance of getting your life together in time and finding someone worthy of your love.

 

Good luck.

[Aussiebloke82]

Your biggest mistake was going ahead with the wedding after she cheated on you just a few months before. I'm actually surprised you went ahead and married her (to me, cheating is the biggest deal breaker out there).

 

Yeah sorry if I confused you but I didn't find out about this one night stand until after we got married about 2 -3 months after.

 

The thing is if someone had asked me what I'd do if she cheated on me, before all this happened, I would have said I'd dump her. But its not so black and white when it does happen. we've been together for almost 9 years now and it so hard to break it off when our lives are so intertwined and I know we'll be disappointing alot of people if (most likely when) we break up. Plus it'll completely stuff up group of friends.

[Capricorn3]

Yeah sorry if I confused you but I didn't find out about this one night stand until after we got married about 2 -3 months after.

 

The thing is if someone had asked me what I'd do if she cheated on me, before all this happened, I would have said I'd dump her. But its not so black and white when it does happen. we've been together for almost 9 years now and it so hard to break it off when our lives are so intertwined and I know we'll be disappointing alot of people if (most likely when) we break up. Plus it'll completely stuff up group of friends.

Sorry about the confusion.

 

As to the part in bold: I'm sorry, but I think the last thing you should be worrying about is other people. Who cares if some people are disappointed if you break up? It's none of their business, nor are they the ones living in your marriage. THEY are not the ones involved in your marriage, nor your future with a cheating wife. I can't for the life of me understand why you should be concerned about what other people think, or feel, when this is about YOU and YOUR life and YOUR future.

[loulee]

You are already a disappointment to yourself!! You do not like who you are becoming. Other people and friends do not live within the bounds of your troubled decietful marriage, Life is full of disapointments..it is also full of promise and happiness and these are things you deserve to have.. Your wife is the only real disappointment that I can see. And the friends that know about your wifes' latest infidelity after she drunkenly boasted to them about it are not friends at all but are more likely to be as superficial as your wife, or at the other end of the scale disgusted and perhaps feel sorry for you as a result. Do you want to remain a fool and be subject to further humiliations, if you do, stay where you are they are guarenteed, You will end up full of self loathing if you do not get away from this..and as hard as it may seem now to leave, and I know that it will be..you will like yourself far better in the long run, and so will other good positive people that you surround yourself with.. Im sure your family will support your decision.. they want to see you happy afterall..and currently you are far from this...

[bronte]

I agree that you should leave, since your wife is not showing any signs of REALLY wanting to work on the marriage or change her behavior. You're too young to sign up for a lifetime of this cycle of finding out that she cheated on you, being devastated, trying to rebuild the trust, and then wham, getting cheated on again.

 

Yes, people will be sorry to see you guys split up, because everyone loves a young couple in love--BUT if they knew the truth of the situation, I doubt that even one of them would tell you that you should stay in the marriage so that they don't have to feel disappointed! People are supporting you as a couple because they think you guys are happy and treating each other well. Not because they want you to stay married no matter what.

[annie24]

i agree you should leave. your wife is acting shady, and is not doing the reasonable things that a wife who wants to save the marriage should do. i understand being 'scared' to get married young, but that does not mean she had any right to go off and cheat on you!!!

 

i would leave, for sure. i am sorry about all of this.

[Aussiebloke82]

I’ve decided to go ahead and end it, thing is though I can’t end it straight away

 

As in the next few weeks I have various Joint family and friend events that I don’t want to distract or bring down the importance of their nights with my bad news. So it looks like it’ll have to wait until the end of September.

 

My wife has no idea that I’m about to end it, in her mind she thinks we are getting better. As we haven’t been fighting and I’m sure it will come as quite a shock to her. But in the end I’m sick of the lies and the fact she’s still hung up on this last douche bag and is stalking him on facebook.

 

For instance the 2 weeks ago she said she deleted her last flings number off her phone and would eventually delete him off facebook when she “was ready”, she showed me her phone and it was gone. But the other night when I went to pay the phone bill I couldn’t find where I had put it & I swore it was in the study… So I asked her if she knew where it was and she said oh it’s in the bedroom where you left it remember…

 

I thought that was weird, paid the bill, logged online to check the call / message history and wouldn’t you know it she had messaged him Last Saturday night 3 times when she returned home from another one of her nights without me. Seems she had to get his number off the last bill we had…

 

I know nothing is happening between them as I saw a conversation between my wife and her friend about how one drunken night she was Devo. because she had run into him and he basically told her that he wasn’t interested, only hooked up with her because he was drunk and it has turned into a massive headache for him as he’s lost friends. But you know what they say “treat em mean keep em keen”

[Anonybrit]

It doesn't sound like she is the kind of person capable of being faithful or mature. Everything she has done suggests she is not capable of putting you first or being strong for you or doing the right thing by you - she seems inherently selfish.

 

25 isn't even that young to be married.

 

If you think things can be fixed go for it but if you don't, leave her, and my 50 cents are that it's unlikely you'd be making the wrong decision.

 

I will also say that it's better to end it when things are stable, because if you carry on letting her behavior upset you you might do something hurtful and end up being the bastard, which is obviously not the way you want to end a relationship..

 

You are already a disappointment to yourself!! You do not like who you are becoming.

 

And yeah in my experience, it doesn't matter what kind of person you are, if you try to settle for less you will always be unhappy and it will make you do wrong things that you might find it difficult to forgive yourself for. She's obviously not worth that.

[offplanet]

Yes, now is the good time to end it, while you have no kids and no mortgage. Give yourself a 2nd chance for a happy life with someone who will treat you properly.