Is it worth it?

[bnicole123]

I am still head over heels in love with my husband of about 2 years. He is the only person who has ever made me feel loved and like I deserved to be. We have a son and I have two other kids from a previous marriage. My husband is a huge part of my life...now comes the rest of it.

 

 

I am insecure. I have been hurt every time I get into a relationship. I don't really trust anyone, but I have my reasons and they are all well founded. I want my husband to love me like he once did however I am the only one who seems to be in love. My husband ignores me all the time. He will not make ANY time for me. His goals are all that matters. He recently got accepted to med school and this has became the ONLY thing he cares about. I am just beginning to feel very unloved. I know it is petty but he doesn't even have pics of me on his facebook or myspace. I am tired of being hurt. I do NOT know how to tell him how I feel without him thinking I am immature and being like he says....to controlling? I do not want to control him at all. I just wan to be important. On top of everything we haven't been having sex very often once or twice in two weeks. However, I find porn on my computer. I am exh and wish things were different.

 

I love this man with all of my heart. He used to be my angel. I was his number 1 and now I am at the bottom of the barrel it seems. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Is this all normal in a marriage? Am I expecting too much? I just need some help. If you have been in this situation please help me! Thank you for any and ALL help!

[Catdancer]

I can kind of relate. My partner and I had our baby in March, so ALOT has changed for us. We also have his daughter from a previous relationship. It has taken us both a while to get used to sharing that number 1 spot. As parents the kids come first. As partners we come first. It's hard to juggle so much responsibility and I cant even image throwing med school on top of everyday stress. He must feel like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

 

My advice would be to take a different approach. Make yourself invaluable to him. Rub his back. When he walks in the door, dont say a word..just walk right up to him and give him a sloppy kiss with lots of tongue and feeling and emotion behind it...kiss like you could just eat him alive. Then smile seductively and say...that's a preview for later. Bring him a drink...a beer, soda whatever he likes. Rub his feet. Cater to him some and make him feel special. Dont talk about problems or how bad you feel...just do and say things that will help him relax and destress a little. Sometimes we need to feel special in a relationship....have you ever thought that he may feel like he isnt your number 1...that he isnt special to you? So, by clearly showing him that he is your number 1, he may reciprocate and show you that you are his number 1.

[savignon]

It's my opinion that you can't say you have your reasons for not trusting anyone and that they are "well founded" (read: you're not going to change that) and then expect him to trust you in a way that makes a marriage sacred. Don't you trust HIM? If he can sense that you don't and he knows your issues, then how can he see you as an equal? If he feels like he always has to make you feel better or secure while you in the meantime don't trust and are insecure....then that doesn't feel good for him, I'm sure.

I'd be really sad in a marriage if my partner had the "well, this is how I am and it's well-founded" kind of attitude. Is there room for change? What hope can he have that you'll be there when HE needs it? It seems like it may be more one-sided than he's comfortable with....??

Am I on track??

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. How old is your son? I'm thinking along the lines of Catdancer, and wondering if having a child together has impacted your relationship. Do you and your husband have date nights where the 2 of you can just spend time together and reconnect?

 

I have a 2 year-old and I can tell you that unless both of you make a very active effort to keep the spark, it's far too easy to let parenting take over everything. You can easily be reduced to a dull domestic partnership unless you schedule time for romance.

[bnicole123]

My hubby and I have no time to date. At this time to save money for med school I have two jobs. I have done everything. I do rub his feet and back. If I try to kiss him seductively he doesn't kiss me back. I am there for him. I am going to be leaving everything including 2 of the 3 kids here while I follow him to med school. I fix him dinner and take care of everything (housework ect.) I am really tired of finding the porn on the comp. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. This is something we have dealt with for a while. I do trust my husband. I just want him to love me back and telling me how unattractive it is to be insecure isn't helping. If I do say...wow I look pretty today, he thinks I am conceited.

[backsplash]

I had to deal with a similar situation a few years back. My ex-husband started med school and wow what a change that brought about. No matter what I tried to do he would not meet me half way. It felt abnormal,something in my gut was letting me know that something was very WRONG.

 

I eventually found out that he had a drug problem and was becoming very friendly with a woman at school whom it had not cheated with yet, but was spending almost every day with..studying, lunch, etc...

 

I am not suggesting that your husband has any of these problems at all; but hearing you say you rub his feet and his back and try to kiss him, but he doesn't respond makes me think that there is something deeper, more than just a stressful time happening in your life.

 

Would he be willing to go to counseling with you? If he would that would be great, sometimes, getting an outside perspective can really help.