How do you get over it when you blew it with "The one"

[rebelfac]

I have learned all of the things that I have done wrong and it will benefit the next relationship. It is still incredibly hard to know that I blew it with the one who was my soulmate. It feels that she was made for me and 1 year before the breakup said to me that i was her soulmate. I have told my story hear and had a 14 year relationship that ended 9 months ago. I know i won't find anyone as perfect for me. Does anyone have any thoughts about how i can stop beating myself up?

[hockeyboy]

Your feelings are normal, but eventually you'll realize she is not "the one."

 

Breakups suck and like any injury they take time to heal. There's not much getting around the fact it will hurt, but you can actively try to make it better or let it play out longer then need be.

[lostandunhappy]

I'm not a believer of "The One" so I'm probably not the best person to give advice.

 

I think you meet many people in your life and form relationships, how can you know if they are indeed "The One" when there are still so many people for you to meet in your entire life??

 

I think she is probably "The One" right now, until you eventually meet another "The One".

[waveseer]

She may have been the one, but that doesn't mean that she was the only one.

[ellandroader]

You could put it to rest by apologising for whatever you did to "blow it". At least then you may feel like you atoned somehow.

 

Honestly though, the best thing you can do is learn from your mistakes so that the next time somebody special comes along, you don't repeat the past. You can't change what happened, but it can mould your future.

[WindowTo]

I wish i knew, because I sometimes feel like I did the same d*** thing. Life is brutal, but we will be victorious! Right? Right! Luckily I believe that there are many "the ones" out there. However, memories of losing her are the stuff of my darkest nightmares. Sometimes we love too deeply. Sorry for the randomness of this post.

[thistime]

It is hard..I have been in your shoes. is she with someone else yet? that is both a killer...and surprisingly, a revelation. Not that i hope that happens, if is has not, but for me, when I discovered he had moved on...I felt I had no reason to NOT move on as well...a strange sort of closure...but beating yourself up does NOT change the past, so it's a waste. You must move forward...and if this life lesson has indeed taught you what not to do in the next relationship, then you can take some solice in knowing it wasnt all for nothing.

Hindsight is 20/20, and if you would have known...but you didnt, so it is what it is. good luck...breathe deeply until you realize your not thinking about it anymore...that day will come. And please dont let the expirience control you/cut you off from expiriencing love again...that would be the biggest shame of it all.

[jettison]

14 years is like your whole life. She is your identity. When you lose your identity then you lose yourself. You are uprooted. It takes a loooong time to find yourself and get yourself back. I had an 11 year relationship end almost 4 years ago. It was misery. And since it ended, love for me has not been so easy. I have gone in and out of relationships. I have had strong, loving moments, and blissful times, and then so many moments where I forget who I am a little bit, and I feel like I'm grasping a little bit for something that doesn't even exist.

 

Anyway, I know your pain. No one can promise that you will have another "soulmate", but if you keep fighting to be good to yourself, and treat yourself well, and keep your heart open, then the Universe will surpise you in ways you never imagined possible. It's that "keep the heart" open part that usually proves to be so tricky though.

[justletgo07]

I have learned all of the things that I have done wrong and it will benefit the next relationship. It is still incredibly hard to know that I blew it with the one who was my soulmate. It feels that she was made for me and 1 year before the breakup said to me that i was her soulmate. I have told my story hear and had a 14 year relationship that ended 9 months ago. I know i won't find anyone as perfect for me. Does anyone have any thoughts about how i can stop beating myself up?

 

Just remember that it always takes two. She is just as responsible for the end of the relationship as you are. Just try to focus on the things in your life that you are thankful for, and have patience and believe that better days are on the way.

[thorpe]

You just get tired of beating yourself up. If you believe she was the one and won't accept anything less than her you just have to accept that you'll be alone if you don't reconcil

[rebelfac]

Thanks so much everyone. It's amazing how many people here care and how men and women relate to each other here. She is living with someone now and is happy. I have said before that i took her for granted and treated her too much lik ea business partner and not enough like a wife. I learned just how important affection is to women and lately how insecure women actually are. She felt I didn't want her very much and of course the new guy does. It seems many women are starved for compliments and that they need a certain amount or they may not be happy. This gives me even more needed wisdom in the dating scene. Speaking of i am going to start a dating introduction service.

[SnowFox]

I believe that if we know that our actions led to a break-up, the best we can do is be honest with ourselves about that. Own it. Accept it. Maybe reflect on what led us to those actions. And then, after honest self-reflection, be conscious about what we need to do different in the future.

 

About soulmates. I believe we have them. More than one. But I do not believe that soulmates = perfect relationships. I actually believe that many soulmate relationships will have conflict and imperfection in them. Because they reach us on a very deep level, they often end up bringing up aspects in our lives that we need to learn about or become more aware of. So I do not believe the definition of a soulmate relationship is "one that only ends in death for one or both of the partners."

[FriendnorFoe]

Thanks so much everyone. It's amazing how many people here care and how men and women relate to each other here. She is living with someone now and is happy. I have said before that i took her for granted and treated her too much lik ea business partner and not enough like a wife. I learned just how important affection is to women and lately how insecure women actually are. She felt I didn't want her very much and of course the new guy does. It seems many women are starved for compliments and that they need a certain amount or they may not be happy. This gives me even more needed wisdom in the dating scene. Speaking of i am going to start a dating introduction service.

 

Funny, the opposite can kill it too, I gave her so much affection, compliments, treated her like a queen, but they dont want a doormat either, that pushed her away too.

 

Lately I have found that I know whats healthy and not healthy to dwell on, when I find myself thinking about my ex, I have to speak aloud to myself, I am a rational person and explain to myself why I am thinkg about her. I also did something I never thought I would do, so many flashbacks and good memories are to comfort me, I need to rid myself of these, but more specifically I dwell on all the things I did wrong, how if I didnt do them we might still be together.

 

I tell myself aloud "everything is ok matt you are beating up yourself for something that you cant change now, at the time you acted accordingly and didnt know any better, so I forgive you." I have also come to grips that my ex may well be happy with someone, I no longer wish for the crash and burn in there relationship, if it dose so be it, but someone posted that it is selfish wishing this and if you dont wish them happiness then you didnt really care for them in the first place, so I genuinley do wish her happiness with this new person, I want her to be happy even if it is with me, I also forgive her with myself for causing me pain. This is truly the only way I believe I can heal.

 

That is not to say I am still not plagued by thoughts of us, what went wrong, dreaming of getting her back, her with her new partner, these are things I cant control at the moment, but at least I am aware and conscious to why they are popping in my head. I believe it has come down to three things for me why my mind wanders in these areas, pain my heart hasnt healed from yet, pain my ego hasnt healed from linked to selfishness and finally the illusion of hope through fairy-tale scenarios which brings me temorary comfort or relief but just like turning to drugs or alcohol it wares off eventually so you want to become addicted to it.

 

I am moving out of state, starting a life in two months, and am very excited about meeting new people, starting fresh and the perhaps the prospect of love again. I now know that even if this "rebound" of her fails and if she would want to come back I have decieded I wouldnt want that, not because of my ego that she has been with someone else or just knowing I have leverage with her, not selfishness or spite for breaking my heart, I have come to grips, let her go and have moved on, this is not saying I am healed from my wounds, far from but alot of realization has occurred to me in the last two days out of being rational.

 

At the moment I am not happy, but I know I will be again but if anything I have made some peace with myself in forgiveness.

[FriendnorFoe]

One more thing, I used to believe in karma but dont know, however I didnt used to but do believe everything does happen for a reason and good can come out of any bad situation if you are willing to see it that way, some day when my feelings are completely gone I look forward to being friends with her again.

[allgood]

I have learned all of the things that I have done wrong and it will benefit the next relationship. It is still incredibly hard to know that I blew it with the one who was my soulmate. It feels that she was made for me and 1 year before the breakup said to me that i was her soulmate. I have told my story hear and had a 14 year relationship that ended 9 months ago. I know i won't find anyone as perfect for me. Does anyone have any thoughts about how i can stop beating myself up?

 

dont believe in it man...she (my ex) claimed i was her soulmate then i felt the connection in the heart with her till she tore the connection apart when she developed feelings for another guy...broke it off and kissed him 3 days later....she told me.

 

don't believe in it i think we choose who we want to have a connection with once we're in a relationship

[i miss her 2]

I feel like I blew it with my soulmate too. My only serious girlfriend actually. I have never been able to connect with many people but with her I did . And yeah, I blew it. I didn;t compliment her enough, I was selfish, and this new guy is wonderful I guess. I had plans to marry her someday =( and she will probably marry him now.

[allgood]

I feel like I blew it with my soulmate too. My only serious girlfriend actually. I have never been able to connect with many people but with her I did . And yeah, I blew it. I didn;t compliment her enough, I was selfish, and this new guy is wonderful I guess. I had plans to marry her someday =( and she will probably marry him now.

 

dont beat yourself up....with me it was the opposite i was always there for her and then when it was her turn to be there for me she cant do it and falls for another guy......

bro we do the best we can with the knowledge we had at the time....i believe every soul makes a decision to make someone a soulmate, the next soul you meet you can still make her your soulmate

 

dont beat yourself up man and be kind to yourself... you need that right now

just learn from your mistakes and heal so you can bring what u learnt in the next relationship

and to be honest bro she wasnt the one or else she wouldve been honest with you and worked things out with you

you'll find the one bro but before that you need to heal yourself and that involves being kind to yourself and letting her go and working on YOU

[rebelfac]

Thanks all good very much. You are so right and I needed to hear this. I spoke to her last night and she is a completely different person now. You are right that if she was the one we would have worked things out. We definitely could have. I am and do definitely need to work on me. The next relationship will definitely benefit from my desire to learn from my mistakes. It is so great that strangers on this board care.

[eonsunshine]

thank you to the original poster and everybody that participate. I can totally relate with all of you and appreciate all the comments and advice. I blew it with my wife for 6 years (10 yrs together) all those times I don't treat her right and she cried a lot. Instead of being sensitive and be nice to her I get annoyed and didn't want to admit my mistake and apologize. Now she have a new boyfriend and not a single day pass without me regret that it was the biggest mistake of my life.

[rebelfac]

My 12 year old daughter visited me last Sunday and she saw me sing the Doors song '"Hello" at kariokee. My ex loved the following billy joel "Just the way you are" and I have got it down too and plan to sing it next time.

 

 

 

It won't make any difference but her current guy sure isn't brave enough to attempt it. She always thought I had a sexy voice and i think she will miss it. She said recently i didn't want her enough but I just wish she gave me enother chance to show just how much I really do.

[yoda08]

Look man, theres no the one. Sometimes we just struggle to let go and live in the moment when we are so sad. It is called grief. I was with a great girl in many ways for many years, eventually we grew apart, i tried to fight for us as thats the person I am, giving up is not something I like doing. But sometimes its better to move on than be burned or burn someone yourself. Which eventually she did - betray me. Did she blow (me) the one - not at all, she just couldn't end the marriage with dignity for herself and respect and compassion for me. The key is to learn and get into life like there is no tomorrow and you'll meet another one soon enough.