Another one

[hexaemeron]

I'm trying to tell myself face-to-face is the only true way, but in case I freeze and won't be able to somehow say it, would it make me a coward to do it on-line? Would I regret not being brave enough?

 

Do it in person. If you want him to be brave and indulge his curiosity, you need to show him you're brave enough to ask for it.

[chiguy]

Dude, you should have kissed him long ago. It's apparent to me that this guy has overtly shown his sexual feelings towards you. I'd definitely say he's bi though. He probably thinks of sexuality in a more black and white terms, so in his mind you're either straight or bi-sexual, he thinks you must have the same feelings as him towards woman but just never acted on it, at least that is my opinion.

[Lexington]

I still somehow think that it's a game.

 

Yesterday he spontaneously asked me to come over to his place, so I did.

We kinda fooling around pretty often, as in wrestling around and stuff. I noticed that he does get close to me physically that way, although he gets carried away. He often enough gets serious after a while, and while I consider it just fun (and a way to be near him), yesterday he gave me a pretty hard punch, and I was like: That's what I mean. You don't know when to stop. I hold back cause it's just fun for me, but you seem to get serious everytime, like I'm someone you wish you could beat up.

He then apologized and said it was because of his past when he was a bad guy and got into a lot of fights. I told him I was his friend and he shouldn't see me like someone he can let out his aggressions on.

As he apologized, he lay down on the bed next to me and put his head on my shoulder, so I wrapped my arm around his neck and kinda touched his ear.

He was like: Why are you touching my ear?

And I was like: Why are you laying down next to me like this?

He then stood up and said: Can't I? It's supposed to show my affection.

 

Later that evening we were out drinking a few in a park, and when I went to pee behind a tree, he came up to me, like, let's see how big yours is.

I told him to back off before I peed on myself, but after he wouldn't let go, I was like, hell, what do I care if you see... and then he backed off.

Then I was like, checking out my * * * * , now who's the * * * * * * now?

He told me to shut up and deflected by saying something really inappropriate about how being gay and having HIV go hand in hand.

I asked him if he was out of his mind for asking such retarted questions, and he again said sorry and that he didn't know better and just asked questions cause he found the topic interesting.

[hexaemeron]

It honestly sounds like there's a war going on inside him between the "I want to be free" and "No, this is not what I am" sides of him. And it's getting a bigger fight. And here you are, caught in the crossfire.

[pianoguy]

Increasingly I'm convinced that the best way to deal with this is to make out with another guy in front of him and see whether he gets jealous or not. Geez, what a weirdo.

 

Lex, have you talked about this guy with any of your real-life friends? It's clearly tearing you apart and I think it'd be good to talk it over with someone who might actually know this guy in real life.

 

I think this guy is at least bi, but that doesn't mean he's going to respond to an advance. He might be so conflicted about it that he doesn't know what to do with it.

 

I'm concerned that you're spending way too much time thinking about this guy. It might be a good idea to go out and meet some other gay guys to see what's out there. Have you been to a gay bar before?

[Lexington]

I have indeed talked to my friends about this, and they basically tell me the same as you guys. But neither of them knows him.

 

As for the making out with another guy in front of him... I told him that this guy (that he knows too) is pretty hot and that I might try to get together with him.

He was like, ah, but he's pretty gross.

And I'm like, no, he's hot. And didn't you say there were rumors about him being gay?

And he goes: No, I dont think so. He wanted something from that girl. They'd fit perfectly together, they're both dumb.

 

Yeah, I've been to gay bars and I did meet people, but nothing has come out of that yet.

 

And you're right, it's dragging me down. And it also doesn't seem like he'd be comfortable with me telling him or making a move, that is if he's really conflicted about his sexuality.

[pianoguy]

As for the making out with another guy in front of him... I told him that this guy (that he knows too) is pretty hot and that I might try to get together with him.

 

Oh, that was just me being sarcastic, sorry about that.

 

And you're right, it's dragging me down.

 

So what are you going to do to stop that?

[Lexington]

I'm gonna let him go by telling him.

As much as I like him as a friend, it's always gonna be awkward. So I'll just tell him and he will end it. And if he won't, I will.

It's no way to go on like this.

[pianoguy]

Good! Now you're talking.

[Lexington]

Haha, yeah, wish I was already talking...

 

I just don't wanna hurt him...

[chiguy]

Somehow I don't think he's going to be hurt by this, at least not as much as you've been so far.

[Lexington]

He's gonna be hurt enough seeing as he loses me as a friend.

[hexaemeron]

Good luck, Lex. I'm sorry it came to this.

[Lexington]

There's no other end it can come to. If I don't tell him, I'll keep up this, feeling awkward.

If I tell him, he's probably gonna end this. I'm not so naive as to believe he's actually gonna confess his feelings to me too. And even if he does want to stay friends despite my affection for him, I'm not sure I could. I'd still be feeling awkward.

[hexaemeron]

There's no other end it can come to. If I don't tell him, I'll keep up this, feeling awkward.

If I tell him, he's probably gonna end this. I'm not so naive as to believe he's actually gonna confess his feelings to me too. And even if he does want to stay friends despite my affection for him, I'm not sure I could. I'd still be feeling awkward.

 

I always thought Europeans were less uptight about sexuality as us Americans.

[Lexington]

In general, we probably are.

Doesn't mean all of us in a specific situation. And it doesn't have as much do with sexuality as it does with feeling, as I see it.

[hexaemeron]

In general, we probably are.

Doesn't mean all of us in a specific situation. And it doesn't have as much do with sexuality as it does with feeling, as I see it.

 

Point taken. I hope you feel better afterwards, either way.

[Lexington]

Thanks, but that's not gonna happen, either way.

[Lexington]

Hey guys, long time no see... or should I say whine? haha... well.

 

So, I've told him, albeit online. I couldn't bring myself to do it in person. Kinda cowardly, but what the hell.

I was kinda radical, though. I wrote him I had feelings for him and because of that I didn't think we could go on being friends. That was rather a weird way to protect myself; I didn't want this to be his reply, so I foreclosed it. (Gee, I feel like my english has suffered through the years, I could have been much better by now...)

I didn't wanna look up his answer to that message. He was one week on vacation, so I didn't have to face him. Two days after my message, however, he rang my phone (we kinda did that as a way to say hello or something). I didn't ring him back. A few hours later, he did it again, and this time I answered back, just to show I'm still there, whatever.

Next day I still hadn't looked up his answer, and he did the same again, ringing me up twice. So I finally checked my inbox. His answer was that he thought it was heavy, but alright, since I was going after that one guy anyway. (A guy I had once or twice mentioned I found hot.)

There was a second message in which he told me that he didn't believe me and that he thought it was just an excuse to get rid of him because of the fight we'd had a few days ago.

I replied that I meant what I said and that I wouldn't trouble to tell him all that if I just wanted to get rid of him. I also told him that I'd needed to put this out in the open so I wouldn't have to carry this around with me.

He then said he understood and that we should carry on just as usual.

I told him I didn't know if I could and wouldn't it be better to just part way?

He answered he didn't know.

 

When I saw him again, it was indeed all as usual. We didn't talk about it, neither one of us brought it up. And since he was being all nice and cool (somehow more than usual), I didn't wanna bother him with it.

 

I did, however, tell him online that I'd like to talk about it, that we should do it this week. He asked if it was really necessary, if we couldn't just let it be like this. I said, yeah, why not, let's just do it like everyone else and sweep it under the carpet...

 

So I'm gonna talk to him in person about it, try to be open. I feel he's struggling with something, and of course I hope it's about his feelings.

Although I should be letting go of him, or the idea of being with him, I'm still hoping that... maybe... you know.

[Lexington]

I meant to discontinue this thread when I wanted to put an end to all of this.

But that's never happened. I don't know if anyone is still listening, but it's been * * * * ing me up good and I don't know where to turn to with this... I guess I just need to vent.

 

I'm not really the kind of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. That's why I never could bring myself to talk to him in person. I did, however, talk to him online again, when I was drunk. I told him how bad this was for me and asked him if he even considered how I felt when he did the things he did. He felt I was accusing him and that he was only doing these things cause he regarded me as a good friend. I told him no friends act like this, and he just went offline.

 

We never really talked about this afterwards. It all stayed the same, and that's what's killing me.

I'm not the happiest person in the world, to say the least. And I tend to imagine it would all change once I found someone to be with. That's why I tend to get fixated on guys I meet, especially if they're acting in such an ambiguous way. And that's happening again now. I'm so stuck on this idea, I'm obsessed with him. I'm putting him on a pedestale, where some part of my mind knows he doesn't even belong. But I'm fooling myself into believing that it's because I've fallen for him.

 

He never stopped coming close to me or making weird comments. It's been over half a year now and I'm still at the same point. This has been dragging me down and I know it's gonna go on like this unless I end it.

 

But that's the thing. I've found the perfect plaything in my mind. "Is he, is he not, why does he do this, why doesn't he do that"... It's all just a means to keep me from actually changing something in my life. As long as I can fool myself thinking everything would be okay if I just had him, I'm so preoccupied that I actually give in to the illusion that it's true.

 

I know it's not. I know the best thing to do would be get rid of him. Since he's filling up so much of my life, however, I don't know how. I got so caught up in this that I have no idea of how to get out. Part of me doesn't even want to. That part wants to believe that he's the one for me and that once I could get this right, we would live happily ever after...

 

I'm not so sure any of this made any sense, but I just wanted to let someone know. I'm really not handling this well right now.

[ceez]

This has been dragging me down and I know it's gonna go on like this unless I end it.

 

you already know what to do you just have to build up the courage to do it. no telling how many great guys you missed from hanging on to this one guy.

[arne]

I agree with ceez. Everything has already been said, now it needs to be done.

 

I understand your fear of losing this guy in your life. I guess you're from some small part in Germany and don't really know alot of bi/gay guys. I'm from a very religious/conservative area in Sweden myself, and the * * * * * trees doesn't exactly blossom this time of the year, or any other time for that matter.

 

You could actually show your own sister this thread and talk about it with your friends. I'd give anything to be able to do that in my own current situation

 

I hope you finally build up courage to confront him face to face, and tell us how it went.

[Lexington]

You could actually show your own sister this thread and talk about it with your friends. I'd give anything to be able to do that in my own current situation

 

Why can't you? And what is your current situation?

 

 

I actually kissed him. But that made things even more confusing in my mind.

[Imaginary]

Why can't you? And what is your current situation?

 

 

I actually kissed him. But that made things even more confusing in my mind.

 

How did the kiss happen?

[Lexington]

He lay on my bed and kinda wrestled with me, pulling me close to him. He pulled my head to his so that we lay there cheek on cheek. I asked him, well, what now, do you want a kiss? And I kissed him on the cheek.

Then he sat up and said, what's happening, am I turning gay? But I want to * * * * Anna. (A girl who's showed interest in him.)

I was like, well, I don't know.

And he goes, maybe I'm bi?

And I say, or mabye you just have the strong need to be close to someone.

And he answers, yeah, that's probably it, especially since I really like you.