Cognitive_Canine Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 not really debaser. but she has admitted to us that she is insecure and seeing a counselor for these issues.. which is a pretty big sign that she might have insecurity issues (obvious) plus the way she is fuming and his apparent apathy towards it, combined with how he reverts to the generic "i understand" response.. makes me think that he is maybe tired of having to mold himself to her whims and insecurities. .. if a person comes off as 'demanding' that their spouse understand their POV they tend to just take it as being 'naggy' and tune out most of what they say and feel after a while.. which may explain why he never apologized. I guess my question is... Did the OP start counseling before or after she started dating this guy? Link to comment
theham2130 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 Ms Darcy, the relationship is fine. Although, I admit it's gotten rough lately because I've become more insecure these past few months. I understand it's a problem which is why I'm getting help. But it's gotten us into fights before because I guess he doesn't really understand my insecurity and doesn't know how to accommodate it. I'm 22, he's 23. We've been togetehr for 2 years. Link to comment
EQD Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I guess my question is... Did the OP start counseling before or after she started dating this guy? thats my question too. i'd also wonder if he hasnt given her good reason to be insecure in the past.. Link to comment
theham2130 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 I guess my question is... Did the OP start counseling before or after she started dating this guy? I've been insecure for as long as I can remember. But I started couseling after I started dating him because I felt that if I didn't, it would take a toll on our relationship. Link to comment
EQD Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 ^^wow you sound like me 4 months ago! crazy. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I've been insecure for as long as I can remember. But I started couseling after I started dating him because I felt that if I didn't, it would take a toll on our relationship. What sort of things are we talking about? What makes you feel insecure? My train of thought is that dating this guy has "made you insecure" and that you're concerned that you need to be more like him or else you're not being secure. I'd consider myself a very secure person. But, I'd probably kick a guy's butt if this scenario came up. Could there be any way that this guy has just convinced you that you are insecure, when, in reality, it's just that he's way too out there for you and you are of normal security? Link to comment
theham2130 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 Good question, debaser. When I say insecure, I mean I have low self-esteem. This is partly because I was made fun of A LOT growing up (I was the only Muslim student in my all-white high school). Also, when I first started college I commuted from home, which meant that I missed out on the whole college experience. So when I finally did immerse myself into that experience, it resulted in a lot of social anxiety. Anyway, when I started dating my bf, these feelings persisted. But they started intensifying when I learned more about his past (ie past girlfriends, past hookups). He's my first bf, first kiss, first sex, etc, so hearing about his past made me feel like my relationship with him wasnt unique. It made me feel like it was as inconsequential as his past relationships. Then, one night, when we were divulging our secrets, I made the mistake of asking him if he fantasized about any of his past partners. He said yes and named the girl. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. As if I wasn't insecure enough, he told me he fantasized about another girl. I was heartbroken and I think it has made me more insecure than i ever was. He apologized profusely for telling me that, and said he felt so open with me that he thought he could tell me. Anyway, that incident led me to become paranoid about every girl he talks to, every girl he compliments. It's ridiculous, I know. I know I need to change. But all I ask is that he help me through this by refraining from provocation (ie refraining from getting a girl to take pics of his naked ass) Link to comment
EQD Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 "As if I wasn't insecure enough, he told me he fantasized about another girl." debaser was correct in her hunch. this guy isnt helping you become secure. and you have every reason not to trust him Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Did you ask for that information too? You made the mistake of asking, but, frankly, I think he made a huge mistake by telling. Link to comment
theham2130 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 Yes, I asked. Big mistake. And I know it. I don't blame him for it, I just want him to try and understand what I'm dealing with. I just want him to be more patient. Link to comment
EQD Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 this is where the OP ignores everything i say... *taps finger on table and sighs* Link to comment
theham2130 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 this is where the OP ignores everything i say... *taps finger on table and sighs* What do you mean? Are you suggesting I end it with him? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Yes, I asked. Big mistake. And I know it. I don't blame him for it, I just want him to try and understand what I'm dealing with. I just want him to be more patient. I think you're feeling really insecure. But, I don't think you are naturally insecure. Naive at times and inexperienced with relationships, but not insecure naturally. This relationship, by mistakes of both you and him, has made you insecure. Does he know that that's why you feel insecure? That you asking and him telling you those things started this whole thing? You both need to get on the same page with that, first of all. Then, you need two need to start setting up boundaries of what is okay, and what isn't, in your book. He can live without many boundaries, but, it sounds like you can't. (That's okay, btw. Most people have boundaries. All of them different). Link to comment
theham2130 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 Yes, he knows that's why I feel insecure! I don't know, maybe he's offended that that's why I'm insecure. Maybe he thinks I hold his past against him (which I kinda do.) I HAVE set up boundaries and, as I explained with the whole picture thing, I try to enforce them. The ball is in his court now. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Okay, I'll try to just focus on the situation at hand (I get carried away with the big picture). Okay, so, he said he understood...does that mean he is going with a man photographer? or that he just "understands" but is going ahead with getting a girl anyway? Link to comment
theham2130 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 Okay, I'll try to just focus on the situation at hand (I get carried away with the big picture). Okay, so, he said he understood...does that mean he is going with a man photographer? or that he just "understands" but is going ahead with getting a girl anyway? I don't really know what it means. We were talking on the phone so I couldn't even read his expressions. I don't think he'd go so far as getting a girl photographer, knowing that I'm uncomfortable with it. The thing is, I could sense his annoyance when I told him that he should be more sensitive to my situation. As if he was thinking, 'Oh here she goes again with her insecurities.' It makes me want to talk to him more, but it also makes me not want to talk for fear of making it seem like I'm nagging and ultimately, pushing him away. Link to comment
Sn0man Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 All he said was 'I understand,' which is code for 'I think you're ridiculous. Stop talking.' Who told you that? Damn, now I can't use that one anymore I think that your boyfriend wanting to have a naked picture taken of him and his guy friend is really, really weird, and if I were in your place I wouldn't want to do it either. If I were him though, i'd want a girl taking the picture, because if there wasn't anything wrong with a picture of 2 naked guys already, having it taken by another guy is just plain gay. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Well, trying to look at his perspective (which is hard, I admit), if this really is his dream and he wanted you to be a part of it...I guess he'd feel like you were throwing a big wrench in the whole project. But, in the end, you need to voice your feelings. Say it once clearly and calmly. If he does it anyway, regardless of how you feel... I'd find someone who cared about your 'insecurities' Anyway he could get a professional or a lesbian friend to help him out with his project? Link to comment
EQD Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Are you suggesting I end it with him? where do you keep getting these facts skewed? listen to everything debaser says. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Are you suggesting I end it with him? where do you keep getting these facts skewed? listen to everything debaser says. Always good advice. Couldn't resist. Link to comment
EQD Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 everything i've said on here the OP has thrown into an extreme that i didnt consent to and disagreed with an opinion that i dont even represent. at least she is listening to you. lol Link to comment
SRTtoZ Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 You're boyfriend is Weird in the GAY sense. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 You're boyfriend is Weird in the GAY sense. In that sense, he's not weird... Wouldn't be weird for gay people to take pics together lol... In a normal sense, he'd be weird. But it's ok... Weird people rock. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Umm ok I understand wanting to take pics to have something to look at years later, BUT why does he have to do with it with his best friend? If he wants a nake pic then so be it but why with another man? Why not with you?? ...Anyway whatever his reasons are - fine. I also wouldn't feel comfortable having some other random chick snapping pics of my SO & if he thought it was ok and didn't take my feelings into consideration I wouldn't be with him. PERIOD. Its not really about the "pic" its about the way he is going about it. Oh and insecure or not, if he is in a commited relationship he shouldn't think having another girl seeing him naked is ok. Why cant they have a professional take pictures? Link to comment
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