I ended it but now i'm not sure......

[WeeP]

I ended a 3 year relationship with my fiance and i'm in the process of selling our flat. I ended it b/c we'd basically stopped communicating. There had been major problems in the past where he'd cheated on me, we'd lost our baby, he was verbally abusive and he seemed really distant. When i ended it a few months back i felt relieved and i've now started seeing someone else, but its very casual at this point. Me and my ex obviously have to keep in contact when it comes to the sale of the house - but now i've started to second guess my decision. He seems really keen to get back with me even tho he knows I'm with someone else and he says he'll change and that he is sorry for what he'd done in the past and that he still really loves me. I don'k know exactly how I feel, theres an attachment there and i'm really scared that what I'm feeling now is just numb and that in a few more months I'll start to really regret this decision. The guy I'm seeing just now is very different from my ex-fiance and I do have feelings for him but i know it isn't love - but it could turn into that, even though thats not what I'm looking for at this point. I could go back to me ex-fiance even tho i think that I'm not as in love with him as I was, or I could stick to my guns and continue with the breakup and see where this new relationship goes - I'd really appreciate it if anyone out there with an opinion on this would reply to me as I've never felt so confused and this is a huge decision I've got on my hands just now.

[onyx]

Why do people put a timeline on love. You and your ex have obviously been through alot. You will always have a connection with him. There were alot of problems to make you decide that the relationship wasn't going to work. And problems don't get fixed over night. People don't change. They can mature but who they are as a person, that will never change. Don't rush into anything. You need to do what is important to you. If your ex really loves you, he will give you that time and "space" if you need it. There should be no rush on who you decide to be with. Your heart is confused right now, so be fair to yourself and to your current boyfriend and let him know what you are going through. Give yourself time to clear your head and your heart. The one that really does love you will be there when your ready waiting for you.

[Hopingpraying]

WeeP,

 

It sounds like you are at a crossroads. You have a decision to make, but the fact that you say your EX was verbally abusive. Is he able to change that?

What about the guy you have now, is he better than your EX as far as career, personality, his devotion to you?

 

I don't know if anyone here would be able to give you good advice. I mean you really do have a big decsion. One that could affect you for a long time. If your EX can truly change then maybe you should consider trying to make it work with him. I just wouldn't jump right back in the relationship with him. Make him work to get you back. Let him know that you won't tolerate the past abuses. If he can agree to all that then maybe you two have a future together.

[SLBG]

Hi WeeP,

 

Well sorry to hear about your situation.

 

It is a very hard choice to make, if you truly love your ex fiancee then I would give your self some time to think and then decide.

 

Im currently split up from my fiancee, we were together 5 years and she decided she wanted to end the relationship.

 

If you love you ex fiancee then I think you should try again, I no how your ex is feeling. I feel empty inside, I cannot eat, cannot sleep and often wish I wasnt alive.

 

Please dont put your ex through any more pain, If you want to try again then go for it, if it doesnt work out at least you tried.

 

slbg

[Marianne]

Hey there i read ur story and ive been there before i cant tell you what to do but i can only express how i felt and the time and my advice.i went out with my ex bf for 6 years and i broke up with him just over a year ago be cause he hit me and treated me like crap and i kept on crying and suffering and kept on thinking to my self im inlove with some who beats me up and so i broke it off even thou i thought things werent going to be te same after i broke up ofcourse i was upset and crap but then i woke up one morning feeling happy cause i didnt have that abuse around me and i had good friends and i had freedom and am finding out who i am .I never had a good 21 birthday cause of him ca.llig me slut and crap and hitting me but i know my life in the past may had been a lose but think of the future girl its going to be hard to trust someone whos cheated on you and hit you.Dont go back to him cause you feel like you have to.think about your happeness and ur future dont go back to him just to please him are you happy with the guy you seeing now.?

[ameliamolly]

WeeP,

 

I feel your pain, and I mean - I feel all of it and I am sorry that you are hurting. I am going through the exact same thing as you are right now. I left my ex 10 months ago after a 3yr relationship. He had anger issues and could not seem to get his life together. I really thought he was the one for me. We had such great times together, but the bad times were not tolerable.

 

I finally left him and moved to a new house, and started my life over. I had regrets of leaving him, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do for my own happiness. I met a new BF and we have been together for almost 8 months. My ex has continuously professed his love for me, but I couldn't think of going back unless he showed improvement. I really didn't think that would ever happen so I have been trying to move on.

 

We had no contact on and off and recently started talking again. This time he seems different and I know I am still in love with him. The problem is I have the new guy in my life. I am not so sure if he is "the one" but he is a good guy that treats me well and is completely opposite of my xbf.

 

I am also at a crossroads of deciding what to do with the two situations. My brother had some good advice for me this morning he said "you should think about the worst case scenario if you did take him back because people don't change basic fundamental aspects of their personality. But he could have made other changes with his job, house, etc. and gotten more mature in his outlook on life. So if you can accept him the way he was for the person he was, then by all means go back and give it a try."

 

The other thing that occurred to me is that we need emotionally intimacy and challenge in our relationships to help us grow as individuals as well as a couple. So, ask yourself: do you and your new BF have that? Mine does not. We haven't had any deeper discussions, there isn't a deep connection and we have not disagreed or had an argument. I personally believe that that is not healthy. Did you and your x-fiance have that? My xbf and I had a deep emotional connection and he challenged me. I don't mean challenge in a butting heads sort of way. I mean in a way that opens your mind, stimulates your emotional growth and teaches us flexibilty, compromise and new perspective in life.

 

A lot of people on this site have told me to take a little time for myself to get my head and heart on track. It's probably great advice, but not something that is so easy to do. Perhaps time away from both of the situations would help me see things more clearly, but I am so afraid of losing whoever I meant to be with.

 

I am sorry that I don't have any great advice for you. I would say that the best thing to do is to listen to your heart. I mean really listen and maybe you will find what you need to do. Most of all, your own happiness needs to come first. Don't forget that.

 

Good luck, it's not easy.

[Ripcurl513]

I just went through a similar problem.....i had a boyfriend for 3 years..it was like the perfect relationship...."high school sweathearts"...i met him when i was a freshman cuz he lived down the street from me, he was a grade ahead of me...we had a really good relationship for about 2 years...we were eachothers first and everything like that....at the beginning of my senior year we broke up and my life went to shit...not because we broke up...it was because i was just in that stage....well about 4 months later we started talking again and now were are back together...its been about 2 months and everything is going ok....i think that you should definatly give it time...i really needed that space, so that I could vent and deal with a lot of things.....if he loves you he will realize that you just need your space and you should try and maybe make something of this other realtionship cause right now things just aren't working out for you and your ex and he got his chance so maybe you should give this guy a chance cause if you ex isn't your "TRUE LOVE" then maybe this guy or some other guy is....who knows but you'll know when you want to go back to your ex or if you want to go back...so just dont stress about it cause thats what your trying to get away from right?....STRESS...i know thats what I was doing....just have fun and see how you feel later on.....take it slow cause he'll still be there if its meant to be!