Near Breakup wtih Alien BF - Update

[newlife21]

i found out what bf is upset about over a short text he sent me. he feels that i am too focused in making money and not keen in having baby with him. i think he hates me for choosing business over baby.

 

i think the hope between us is slim now. he said before it doesn't matter if we don't have baby, now obviously he is hurt. he is a warm hearted man who loves to have kids, he already have two teenagers kids from his previous marriage. i know he loves me enough he wants to start family with me.

 

what i hate about now is he cannot discuss this with me in a cool and mature way. this is a big issue, just because i mentioned i am not keen in kids but have a strong passion for my business, he is now giving me a death sentence. he is a very romantic at heart, he wants to see me willing to give up everything for him, because on his side, he is willing to do that.

 

i hate him in being fast breaking up with me, because he lets his pouting takes over. i am so tired of him doing this to me. maybe is time to end.

[Hope75]

Is this the guy who's proposal you turned down? I don't quite understand the leap to having a baby if you don't even want to marry him. It sounds like you are really on different pages here with what you want from your lives.

[lostinslc]

i am so tired of him doing this to me. maybe is time to end.

 

There is no MAYBE about this. It needs to end, and now. He wants to control you.

[agent1607307371]

he wants to see me willing to give up everything for him, because on his side, he is willing to do that.

 

Only, reading this, he's not.

[newlife21]

Is this the guy who's proposal you turned down? I don't quite understand the leap to having a baby if you don't even want to marry him. It sounds like you are really on different pages here with what you want from your lives.

 

 

yes, is the same guy. i didn't turn him down totally, i just said i need more time. i do want to spend the rest of life with him, i am a mature woman, mid 30s, i do not have fantasy about marriage, i know what it is all about, that is why i have my hesitation. but it does not mean i do not love him enough, it does not mean i am still on a look out for more opportunities. in fact, if i lose him, i do not have interest to want another relationship. because we are so close and in love, we will talk about starting a family. but i must admit my keeness in baby fluctuates. sometimes i want to because i love him, but for other reasons that do not involve him, i am not keen, the reason being i had seen too much on the negatives from where i am coming from.

 

i didn't say to him i totally won't have baby, i said i am happy if i have, but very hesitant too about the down side. i also know that at my age, i don't have much time to hesitate, and i said i am stressed.

 

thanks for your reply.

[newlife21]

There is no MAYBE about this. It needs to end, and now. He wants to control you.

 

could you please elaborate? i know he is aware of using pain to create a leverage. i am frequently on this conflict or breakup section in this forum because of his pouting and silent treatment.

 

i don't have many boyfriends in my wholelife to know the behaviour of man, only 3. the other two they didn't give me silent treatment.

 

i asked him before, he said when he was a child, he pout a lot, he said it is in him. he said i just need to leave him alone. i also try my best to accommodate. i don't know if he is doing this to control the woman. i don't know how to deal with this anymore. the last time i could take it and left, he came "begging".

[newlife21]

just to vent - the reason i ended up focusing so much on my business is largely due to him. because of his silent treatments, i feel insecure to depend on him, so i made my business a major part of my life, so that when he pouts i still have my business to keep myself sane. i think i will tell him this if we are good terms again. right now, he thinks i am cold blooded money slave.

 

what the heck? isn't he working hard to support his ex-family too? when he has to work over-time, i am always understanding, and not that his salary goes to me, but to his ex-family. when my work is important and i think i cannot afford a baby ( he doesn't have much left after paying alimony) , i am a money slave. i feel like writing an email to give him a piece of my mind. should i? i will when he breaks up with me officially. ok, thanks guys, at least i can vent here.

[newlife21]

he just text me, i don't have the courage to read, knowing him it must be just another hurting text, maybe to break up. i don't want to read, too painful. i just keep quiet, he will probably text again if he is not breaking up with me. think i will read only if he text again. so pathetic, isn't it? we just had a fantastic weekend together. i think i can deal with the breakup easier if i don't read his text.

[Ms Darcy]

I've noticed that when you post your frustrations, you want to break up. Then when someone suggests that you should indeed break up, you say you don't want to. I think a major problem here is your own indecisiveness.

[newlife21]

i don't want to break up, i had been in this forum on and off for the same issue problem. whenever he uses silent treatment, i feel that he is not treating me well and i would naturally think of breaking up. but in the end i never keep trying. breaking up is just a flashing thought. things would not be like this if he has a better grip on his temperment. now i wait for him to come to his senses, if breaking up is what he wants, i will accept it. thanks.

[Ms Darcy]

So you are not looking for advice but to vent?

[newlife21]

So you are not looking for advice but to vent?

 

i am here to listen to other people's opinion, mainly if the problem is me or him. if it is with me, i want to change. i used to be a loose cannon without knowing, after coming to this forum, i realised that and had changed for better. i am not here to get people to side me against him, i am here to seek improvement. thanks!

[Ms Darcy]

i am here to listen to other people's opinion, mainly if the problem is me or him. if it is with me, i want to change. i used to be a loose cannon without knowing, after coming to this forum, i realised that and had changed for better. i am not here to get people to side me against him, i am here to seek improvement. thanks!

 

Given others' opinions, what do you plan to improve in the relationship?

[newlife21]

Given others' opinions, what do you plan to improve in the relationship?

 

for previous situations, i had improved it by controling my emotions to a large extent.

 

for this current situations, it is not me but him. he is taken over by his pouting again, i cannot help him at all. fussing over him will only make him worse, he will hurt me more. he plays mind games, he will mention breaking up to make me chase him. this round, i do not know he meant it or he is just out to torture me again.

 

i would just leave him alone for time being, hopefully he will miss me after some time and come back. i will not beg him or act desperate to keep my dignity intact. i feel crushed inside right now, i am sure he feels the same, i just don't know why he has to do this to me. not that i want to put him down, i think he is immature not able to discuss things coolly. he belongs to the more sensitive and emotional type of man. i am actually drained by his pouting, if he chooses to leave for real, i will acept it. but i can only conclude after a few weeks. he might miss me and come back, he really loves me, i hope he is just angry. sorry, i am babbling...

[looking_up]

you really need to pony up and get nip this in the bud.

 

If you choose to read that text and accept his apologies, then you also need to set a ground rule - NO more threats of taking his love away/breaking up, make sure he knows that if he plays that card ever again it will be FOR GOOD and follow through! Its ok to need some space to process how you feel, its NOT ok to use your love for another person as a bargaining chip to get your way.

 

I read a few of your past threads and maybe you have become addicted to excitement and anticipation of waiting to see if he'll come back. But honestly this won't be good for you in the long run, the emotional turmoil will build higher and higher and spill over into the rest of your life, everything you've worked so hard for, friends, family, career etc...Its the same as a gambling addiction.

[DeviousDevil]

I think that too many people allow people to blackmail them with the threat of breaking up. If one person allows the other to dictate terms to them on that basis they are seeking to have all the power in the relationship rather than looking out for the best interests of you both.

 

I think establishing a ground rule on this is important early on. Essentially that if one of you ever walks away, then that is that. Otherwise it is too much drama and it brings insecurity which isn't what you should have in a worthwhile relationship.