newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 had been with bf for 3 years, past few weeks he was really into me, and informally proposed two times, i didn't accept. he took it well. we had great times when we date, then last night, due to pms, i was more emotionally and started talking more about myself. talked about my business plan, my hope in making more money in future, and my plans in donating to charity. he said why dont you involve in volunteer work, i replied honestly i don't like to get my hands dirty, but i choose to contribute monetarily. he got pissed over this, he said people will get angry with me. he said he is telling me this because he cares about me and want to protect me. oh my goodness, i felt like an idiot even now, because i still don't get what he is trying to say. i held my cool last nite as best i could, but sure i wasn't happy he made things seem so negative. i said my church asked for money every week, i want to donate, just so simple, why would some people hate me? we were not getting anywhere so he left. i know he will now pout for days and ignore me. torture again... i wish i could get what he meant, but i don't, and he got upset and couldn't explain calmly. in a way i regret revealing too much about myself, but what the heck, we were so close, i want to talk to him as a close friend. if i had continue to just look pretty and be a bimbo, things would had worked out fine. was i trying to show off to him my achievement? i don't think so, i don't need to, because i knew he already loves me. maybe i was trying to show him that i am not a bimbo, why must he react like this and hurt me so badly? is there something really so wrong with me? before the fight, i said something like maybe i am not good enough for you, he told me to just be myself, so i told him my plans and he ended up saying disappointed with him. thanks for reading, i need to rant because i feel so crappy and i don't even know what the heck is going on. i think we are not compatible to a large extent. so sad... Link to comment
Aurian Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Maybe he was trying to say that some people think that donating money instead of time is "easier" or something? I don`t really understand why he would be angry about your feelings though. Charities need money as well as volunteers to do their work. Link to comment
lostinslc Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Who is your BF to say how you should and should not do with your time and or money? So what if you want to give them money? It's a control thing -- he wants to control the WAY you give charity, as ridiculous as that sounds, that is what he is doing. You say he ignores you -- you mean like the 'silent treatment'? That is very bad for a relationship, and is another control thing, believe it or not. They're going to talk about it when they are good and ready, and won't allow you to talk when YOU need to. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Just curious why after 3 years of dating you turned down his proposal twice? Perhaps this isn't about charity work, but is about you not wanting to take that next step after 3 years together. Do you want to marry him eventually? Have you talked about that? I would be hurt and upset if my partner of 3 years rejected my proposal twice also. Just a thought. Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 he gave me one example trying to explain this to me. he said, there was once a big casualty, country A only help by donating a big sum of money, and never want to send people over to help. in the end, country A was reprimanded by other countries. he said 90% of people will be happy with my donation, but there will be 10% people not happy. he said i should try to do better. i said i have no capacity to do more and i have no interest to please people who judge me. at this point, he got really pissed with me. he raised his voice and said i should at least try to achieve more than 90%, why do i stop at 90%? at first he was telling me just be myself, now he is demanding me to do more than i can. i really totally don't understand what he is saying, and i can't ask him anymore, anyway i think i will never get it. i feel sad, i only realise we are so different last night... Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 i did not accept his proposal because he hurt me badly with silent treatment before. his love to me is not consistent. he is very nice to me during good times, majority is good times. but during argument like this he can hurt me a lot. it was just a difference in opinion, but he can be so pissed with me. i am afraid to marry him... i love him, but i am afraid, i am crying... Link to comment
greywolf Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 What?? o.O I'm a little confused. It's not your job to make everyone happy with you, and it's not his job to tell you what to do with your time either. Link to comment
greywolf Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 i did not accept his proposal because he hurt me badly with silent treatment before. his love to me is not consistent. he is very nice to me during good times, majority is good times. but during argument like this he can hurt me a lot. it was just a difference in opinion, but he can be so pissed with me. i am afraid to marry him... i love him, but i am afraid, i am crying... My guess is that you do want to get married someday. If you don't see this guy as marriage material, it might be best to end things with him and find someone who is. Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Who is your BF to say how you should and should not do with your time and or money? So what if you want to give them money? It's a control thing -- he wants to control the WAY you give charity, as ridiculous as that sounds, that is what he is doing. You say he ignores you -- you mean like the 'silent treatment'? That is very bad for a relationship, and is another control thing, believe it or not. They're going to talk about it when they are good and ready, and won't allow you to talk when YOU need to. yes, it is the silent treatment he is so good in. i had learnt to just wait for his storm to blow over. everytime i am afraid it will end up in a breakup. i had learnt not to talk so much so that i won't appear always ME ME ME. it was already during pms that i talked more. during bimbo times, he would be nuts over me. he belongs to the more "noble" category of people, his aim is to contribute to human kind. he does not like my business because i buy low sell high, he feels i am ripping people's money. so i think he has his own reason for being pissed, but gosh, i am too stupid to get it... Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 What?? o.O I'm a little confused. It's not your job to make everyone happy with you, and it's not his job to tell you what to do with your time either. precisely, i don't know what is going in his head. i don't even know why he could be upset. all i hear was i can't meet his expectation, he makes me feel really lousy. Link to comment
greywolf Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 yes, it is the silent treatment he is so good in. i had learnt to just wait for his storm to blow over. everytime i am afraid it will end up in a breakup. i had learnt not to talk so much so that i won't appear always ME ME ME. it was already during pms that i talked more. during bimbo times, he would be nuts over me. he belongs to the more "noble" category of people, his aim is to contribute to human kind. he does not like my business because i buy low sell high, he feels i am ripping people's money. so i think he has his own reason for being pissed, but gosh, i am too stupid to get it... It's not very noble to tell someone what they should do with their life. Link to comment
lostinslc Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 The silent treatment is the equivalent of giving you a time out. Yet how long do you put a kid in time out? How long does the silent treatment last? There is a reason we put a kid in time out for a minute for each year they are old. It's VERY effective, because we are completely shunning and ignoring them. But we have to limit it because it can be VERY DAMAGING to a person's self worth. The one thing we need the most is with held from us, it's bad ju-ju. Silent treatments that go on for hours, days, sometimes people even have them for WEEKS (wow) are about the worst type of emotional abuse. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 If he makes you feel badly about yourself and you see no future with him... why are you still with him? Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 then i told him you are too high level for me. he got even more pissed, he said he don't look down on anyone. i don't know how to communicate right now, and don't feel like it. i feel disappointed too. Link to comment
Lucius Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Perhaps this isn't about charity work, but is about you not wanting to take that next step after 3 years together. My thoughts exactly. It sounds like displaced anger to me. Perhaps he's not taking the rejection as well as you had thought? What other reason could he have for making bizarre condemnations of your character? You get weird, absurd outbursts like this when a person dresses up their anger to look like something it's not. Whether it's about the marriage thing, or something else entirely, my money is on him being upset and preoccupied with something else (concerning you) - and this was his round-about way of expressing his anger/pain/etc. Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 If he makes you feel badly about yourself and you see no future with him... why are you still with him? like your muffincat... i am still with him because 90% is good times... no one is perfect, i love him enough to give and take. life is short, the thing about me is it is very very super hard for me to fall in love with someone ( i am cursed ). so i treasure him. i see goodness in him too beside this. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 like your muffincat... i am still with him because 90% is good times... no one is perfect, i love him enough to give and take. life is short, the thing about me is it is very very super hard for me to fall in love with someone ( i am cursed ). so i treasure him. i see goodness in him too beside this. Do you want to marry him someday? Have you talked about that? What was his reaction when you rejected his proposal, and what did you tell him at that time? Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 My thoughts exactly. It sounds like displaced anger to me. Perhaps he's not taking the rejection as well as you had thought? What other reason could he have for making bizarre condemnations of your character? You get weird, absurd outbursts like this when a person dresses up their anger to look like something it's not. Whether it's about the marriage thing, or something else entirely, my money is on him being upset and preoccupied with something else (concerning you) - and this was his round-about way of expressing his anger/pain/etc. i suspected a little too, i was actually feeling amazed he took the rejection well, and was so nice to me for the past one week. yes, i think there is a chance he linked the things i said to the rejection. i think he wants a housewife type of woman, but i have some bigger plans in life. he probably feel i am too money-minded. he said he doesn't do things for the purpose of money. what can i say? fine, he is too noble for me then, perhaps? i need money, i love money for practicle reason, i need it for old age, for illness, the more the merrier, this is me, i work hard for it, all i want to hear is he appreciates me for working hard and having a passion. i know, if i ask, he won't like it, like i am hard up for praises. but he gave me all the praises i don't need, usually on how beautiful i am. sorry..ranting again... Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Do you want to marry him someday? Have you talked about that? What was his reaction when you rejected his proposal, and what did you tell him at that time? put it this way, i have no intention to break up with him and do want to spend the rest of my life with him. but i do have some reservation on the marriage system. plus i am not crazy over kids, i am more crazy over my business, so i feel that i could be letting him down if i agree. talked about this too last night, he said he will still love me, just be myself. i didn't reject hard and flat, i said i need time. that was why last night i started to explain more about where i am coming from, my deep feelings and conclusion. i don't regret saying all that, i didn't say anything mean or bad, i can't help it if he don't love me anymore. sad...but fated, god's will, i guess... still, what the heck is going on...?? Link to comment
Lucius Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Maybe all his carry on about the 90% not being good enough was a reference to your relationship? That he feels you're not willing to "get your hands dirty" and give "100%"? Just thinking out loud here... Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Maybe all his carry on about the 90% not being good enough was a reference to your relationship? That he feels you're not willing to "get your hands dirty" and give "100%"? Just thinking out loud here... i think this is a very good guess.. i think he is linking to the baby issue... that was why i bare my soul to tell him i might not be good enough for him, he acted nice and said he just want me to be happy. if i feel unhappy and stressed with baby, he won't be happy too. so nice sounding, not his true feelings huh? i think he is disappointed, super... Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 ok pals, so what do you suggest i do right now? any opinion? i plan to just keep quiet and let him miss me ( hopefully) and contact me first. if he is pouting big time and i contact him first, it would be like bang head against the wall. Link to comment
Creative Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 You guys are going overboard with this. He has high expectation of you, someone whom he cares about and wants his girl to be someone who isn't like the rest of the people. His point can be summed up as: don't talk, do. Link to comment
newlife21 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 You guys are going overboard with this. He has high expectation of you, someone whom he cares about and wants his girl to be someone who isn't like the rest of the people. His point can be summed up as: don't talk, do. but people need to talk. what is wrong with talking plus doing? he was the one who asked me why do i need so much money for, i was just answering his questions on my plans. fyi. Link to comment
Creative Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 but people need to talk. what is wrong with talking plus doing? he was the one who asked me why do i need so much money for, i was just answering his questions on my plans. fyi. Your boyfriend measures people according to his standard when it comes to what "helping people" entails, which is fine. Even if you guys are talking about what you're using the money for, you should never mention you donate to charity even if you are doing so. When you were claiming you are donating, his "help people" measuring bar kick in and scans for BS. That's all there is to it. Link to comment
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