AngryHeart Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Seriously. This is the pattern: Meet somebody - we get talking, they'll tell me how awesome and pretty I am. They'll tell me how good I make them feel, that they haven't felt this good in a long time. That they've never been able to open up to a girl like this before (nearly every one guy has said this to me...) blah blah. If I'm feeling it I'll say the same kind of things back to them. Then they run. They don't reply to my texts or calls anymore. Another one bites the dust. And it's often just after they've said some really nice "stuff" about how much they like me. And it often happens at a time that just doesn't make sense - like when they seem to be getting closer.](*,) WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Or am I just picking loosers? I don't know. I know I have issues. I have problems with depression and trust and can get a bit clingy. But lately I've been working at it and am better than before. Even when I've been doing everything right as far as I can, it still happens! The last few guys I've gotten to know, I've made sure I try my hardest not to be clingy or anything like that. And I feel like I done pretty well. But even so it still happens. Even the ones with issues themselves do it! So, what's the deal?? I just wish I could find a nice man that loves me for me. Somebody that doesn't expect me to be perfect, but thinks I'm enough. Not just say that and then do a runner. I know this is so self-pittyful but it really does knock the confidence after it keeps happening. Something has to give. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 I think the issue is that you watch the lips and not the feet. Meaning, you focus on what words these men use and not their actions over time. Until you're dating someone for months and the person is consistent with his actions over time - reliable and his words match his actions - you can't know if there is a real basis for his words. He might be the most sincere, trustworthy person on the planet and mean his words wholeheartedly at the moment he says them but until you're dating him for a period of months you won't know if his words have longevity or substance. And of course there are some people who are not reliable or trustworthy and you may not know that until you observe his actions over time. And not just his actions towards you but towards his family, friends, strangers, waitresses, busdrivers, his boss, etc. You cannot know that until you see him in a multitude of situations - over a period of time - because anyone can be on his best behavior for a few weeks especially in the beginning of a relationship. None of this is to suggest that you be cynical or untrusting - just realistic and aware that "talking" in the beginning is flattering, sweet, and perhaps 100% sincere (especially at the moment the words are said) but to read into that any kind of prediction for the future or certainty is a mistake in my opinion. Also that's great that you're doing "pretty well" at not being clingy - but you have to go for "very well" -- assume that what you think of as "pretty well" still comes accross as clingy, especially when you're first getting to know someone. I would not tell someone that you haven't felt this way in a long time early on even if he says it and even if you're feeling it. And if he says it, there's a decent chance he is someone who is in love with love and perhaps the thrill of the chase, because he's choosing to overshare and overdo it very early on rather than be a little more cautious in order to get to know you better over a period of time. Sometimes the gushy stuff blossoms into something real later on when he knows you better than he knows one of his pairs of socks, but often that early gushing reflects a love of the chase and not of the prize. Link to comment
odile Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 With dating, there is an element of chance involved. We don't always meet the right match at first (or second, or third). Some of these guys may well have been losers, and some may just not have been the match for you. Try not to beat yourself up over this, because it's not something that you can control. Many guys will say sweet things and not put the same meaning to the words that you would. So you may very well be awesome and pretty, and you may make these guys feel good, but these words can only be taken at face value-- not as an indication that they are expressing intentions of any kind-- merely expressing how they feel at that moment. With that in mind, remind yourself that you should be choosy. Don't give your heart to any guy that says you're great-- plenty of them will think that you are, and even more will say it just to have a lovely fling. If you're looking for a deeper connection, then take things slowly with the guys that you meet. Get to really know a guy before you let yourself fall. That way, you'll be able to determine whether you're speaking the same language, and whether you're on the same page. If you do this you'll be better able to weed out the players-- a guy who loses interest because things are going at too slow a pace is probably not the match you're dreaming of. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 This is a great post - very wise. Link to comment
Speranza Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 You may be attracting commitment-phobes. Maybe they see you as someone who's not that available emotionally? Also - big red flag (I've got several of the tee-shirts!) is when guys say they can talk to you. I know that's what they SEEM to want, but the truth of the matter seems to be that they open up, then feel very vulnerable and also switch from seeing you as a potential date to - well, at best and understanding, kind, non-sexual friend, and at worst, some kind of witch who's pried all their secrets out of them. Unfair, I know, but I have had this happen so many times! I did actually decide to see what happened when I talked as well as listened, and it shifted things majorly. Also yes - the wise words about clinginess above... Btw I know it's only a screen name but you might like to think about why you chose it and if anything comes accross when you talk to guys... Link to comment
CrazyKing Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 I tend to run from women that show too much that they're willing to have something - there's no challenge, it's just not interesting... BTW - If guys open up a lot to a girl like they don't do in front of anybody else - they often need some kind of "motherly help" and are scared to move any further with that particular girl... Perhaps you could try not playing their psychologist - that was one of the top 3 reasons why I kept on loosing one girl after the other... It could be far worse, I hope you don't behave like this: Like there was this one girl I know for a few years who started rubbing a bottle like a penis in front of a pal - until that he even wanted to have sex with her, but that trick ruined it all for her, lol... Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 The other posters have given you some great advice. I wasn't clear about whether you were talking about first dates, or the first few dates, or the first few months of a relationship? My answers/advice would be different for each stage. It is the traditional pattern for guys to be the pursuer in the beginning of a relationship. Some guys will say things about how wonderful you are to try to develop rapport. If they are saying it too early, don't believe it - remember, actions speak louder than words. You need to witness their actions over a period of time to be sure what is said is a fact. You mentioned that you were working on being clingy. That is certainly not attractive, especially early on. Where do you think you stand on TMI? We are all walking around with our own triggers and list of red flags. Hearing something that doesn't sound right, before any bond is established, will send anybody packing. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 None of this is to suggest that you be cynical or untrusting - just realistic and aware that "talking" in the beginning is flattering, sweet, and perhaps 100% sincere (especially at the moment the words are said) but to read into that any kind of prediction for the future or certainty is a mistake in my opinion... This is so true. So many men have said I love you, etc., from the beginning....yet they are gone now. Go by their actions, and don't put much stock into their words. I tend to run from women that show too much that they're willing to have something - there's no challenge, it's just not interesting... .. I always make this mistake when I'm really into someone. It really does seem to bore them quickly. Link to comment
dying71 Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Women do that running away crap all the time. It happens to me constantly, and it sucks. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 This is a really great thread, I am really learning alot and thinking about things. Awesome! These are some of my thoughts: why can't we just be ourselves and enjoy a deep connection if it seems to be there and we find him/her really attractive? Should we just make sure that we talk and listen - both? and not just be the doormat listener? My last relationship came out of the blue, when I wasn't expecting it and he talked alot about his past, his life and his dreams. I liked to listen to him and I felt like doing that was a gift I offered to him. We had alot in common and it felt good to start a relationship with that deep, healing connection. Well, at least I liked it and I thought he did as well. I admit, he would ask about me and - well, I felt very nervous about being vulnerable and sharing honestly about myself. At least, in the beginning. So, that was my issue which I have been looking at and trying to change. I did try and do it but I was aware it was hard for me in some ways. I also agree that time is the most important indicator more than words. This man was I guess ambivalent and that came though in his actions more than his words, which seemed very loving. He disappeared too, so I have had alot to look at in myself - and with him. I will take these comments above with me into the next relationship. Link to comment
Thornbirds18 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 When you open up too soon or too easily you scare them away. Men like challenges and if they can get you easily, your attraction is gone. It's not about playing games, instead it's about taking things really slow and getting to know each other. Players don't have time to patiently wait for things to naturally happen. Also watch for their actions, not just words. Link to comment
goodkarma_1 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Players don't have time to patiently wait for things to naturally happen. In my opionion, this sums it up right here. Link to comment
AngryHeart Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 Thanks a lot everybody for your opinions and advice. Some interesting comments here which I will take on board and have a good think about. Yes, sweet words, promises etc. doesn't always mean anything without the actions to back them up. I do have a tendecy to fall for someone too quick rather than take my time to get to know them. It's not that I even trust them straight away, because actually I have trust issues. It's just something in me which starts to dream too early, what could happen in the future. And I'm always dissapointed in the end. But to be fair, sometimes it's been me that has done the pushing away. I am going councelling soon, hopefully that will help with some of the issues. I am better with the clingyness/neediness, but I realise that any is a turn-off for most people and I'm sure it's played a part with most of the guys that "ran" I'm going to try and do things the right way and get to know somebody, try not too fall too deep too soon, try and watch their actions over time. It's just a habbit I have learned since a kid that is hard to break. Link to comment
nimisaj Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Men sometimes run from me, too... however, I'm the exact opposite of you. I despise it when men are always complimenting and telling me how "pretty/sexy and blah blah" I am... it seems fake to me if they keep saying it, and most of the time, I feel like if they tell me that and then they probably tell every other woman that, as well. Either, I a) tell them to stop (politely!) - and that's if I like them b) run away as fast as I can - usu. when I don't like them Always remember: Actions speak louder than words. Link to comment
nimisaj Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Males that are genuinely interested and concerned about you (and the ones that don't just want to get into your skirt!) will ask you all sorts of questions about yourself and not just compliment you... he'll also help you in ways othe men won't. You'll notice. The right guy will come along and you'll be able to tell he is genuine. Link to comment
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