Help Needed!!!

[little90]

hi all,

 

so heres the deal. i have a girlfriend who i absolutely love and trust with my life but whenever she goes out with her friends or i dont stop thinking about her and worrying about her!

 

we have a very good relationship and can talk about anything and the word "insecure" cropped up just the other day.

 

i constantly tell her how much i love and care for her and i know she loves me too but she doesnt say it quite as much. sometimes we have a bit of a bicker and afterwards feel like crap and get scared that she will leave me! this sounds so stupid and pathetic i know!

 

i am not sure if i am insecure or not? if i am i need some advice as i really dont want to drive the love of my life away.

 

if im not insecure then why do i keep worrying about her whenever she is out with her friends?

 

i really need some advice as i dont want to loose this girl and dont want to drive her away!

 

any advice etc would be much appreciated.

[Xplode]

i was once hitting on this girl at a club. and her boyfriend came up to me all cool and calm, put his arms around us both, and bought us a drink?

i thought this was a guy trying to get to her first sorta thing.

he said to me oh im her b/f in amoungst converstation i was so taken aback, at how he didnt mind that i was trying ot hit on her. - long story short, these words have stuck with me.

He said, "what is the point of worrying about someone cheating, i cant always be there to stop it. and if she doesn then shes not who i want anyways. so i dont worry. i trust her she trusts me, if not shes not the girl for me."

 

iv never stressed about a girlfriend going out again. if i didnt.. technically its me that doesnt trust her?

[little90]

thanks for the reply and its made me feel better. but how would you know if she has never cheated on you or not!?

 

the thing is that i am so in love with her and i couldnt bare to loose her!

[SapphireNoir10]

Its natural to worry but dont let your jealousy overwhelm you or mistrust. Cos not trusting her is the FASTEST way to lose her.

[little90]

thanks for your reply. i trust her with my heart. i guess i ust have to deal with the jelousy!

 

thank you

[mca1975]

Everyone gets jealous and worried about these things, some more than others.. but the key is to not dwell on it. You have to tell yourself that, otherwise it could EASILY drive you crazy. It's true what Xplode said, you cannot stop someone from cheating and you may also never know if they have, you just have to accept and believe that they haven't/are not.

 

I spent a good 5 years of my life with someone who cheated on me a lot and I drove myself crazy trying to stop it happening. I was like a detective, snooping around trying to create barriers between him and other attractive women, but all it did was make me miserable and he cheated on me anyway, a lot.

 

Whatever you do, never stop her from going out with her friends, or you will be in trouble.

 

In fact, from a girls point of view, it would be good to note, that when my boyfriend is happy for me to go out (even if he is secretly worried a little), I love the fact he has trusted me and that I will be going home to him later on in the night! In fact, I think about him a lot when I am out with my friends, sometimes he comes out with us. I will still talk to other guys, guy friends, and of course I have been hit on, but I am just polite and say I have a boyfriend. Time out with the girls is like no other time, they understand you, its not about meeting other guys anyway, its about having a laugh with you girlfriends.

[little90]

many thanks for your reply. has made me feel much better.

 

and id never dream of stopping her from going out with her mates or stopping her from doing something that she wanted to do.

[ay0_x]

You sound insecure to me. You sound just like my boyfriend actually =\.

 

Is part of your worry that you think she'll find someone better or something?

 

I think you gotta learn to love yourself and trust her and trust her love for you. Because insecure people end up doing things that they fear most (cheating, hitting the road without a goodbye etc).

[mca1975]

Don't panic Little90, everyone has these sort of worries to a certain extent.

 

In fact, a little bit of that worry is actually healthy for a relationship I think, healthy jealousy. It's when that jealousy becomes controlling, manipulative and violent that it becomes not healthy, but you don't sound anywhere near like that, so don't worry.

 

You must almost keep quiet about your worries when she goes out and don't make her feel guilty about it. Keep it to yourself and do things to take your mind off it, or better still, go out yourself! lol

[little90]

thanks. is good to get a womens opinion. i wouldnt dream of controlling my girlfriend. i dont express that i feel that way to her as i dont want her to feel guilty about going out.

 

i guess its just a natural worry feeling.

 

thanks for yourhelp

[mca1975]

I think that if you are worrying when she goes out, where it interferes with your evening, make sure you get together with friends or go out yourself.

 

Good, as long as you are not making her responsible for how you feel, then you are on a good track!

 

Remember, keep TELLING yourself - don't dwell on it when she is out, put some music on or something! lol

[aldridal]

I'm the same way, actually. And I hate to admit that. Whenever my girlfriend goes out, especially since we're LDR, I worry that she's going to find another guy and I'll get a call later that night saying, "Look, we've had a good run, but there's somebody else..."

 

Part of this worry is because that has actually happened.... twice with the same girl who I was in a 6 year relationship with....

 

Part of this worry is that I am just a jealous person. I've learned to control it though. I refuse to let my jealousy/worries come into conflict with my relationship. As far as I know, she is unaware that I'm constantly analyzing everything, as I've been very careful to restrain myself from "creeping" on her. I've also made it a point to spend a night every once in a while pretending to be busier than I really am, simply for the fact that I want her to believe that I'm not just sitting around waiting for her calls.

 

I've found that, like what others have said, when you start to worry, do something to take your mind off of it. Go out with friends, go for a run, just do something. The first half of this LDR for me was brutal because I just sat around thinking about it... but now that I've been going out with friends more, and trusting her while she's away, I've gotten much better.