no contact

[healing]

When a person realizes a relationship is over, no contact helps the person to heal and move on. There is no other way to gain needed perspective. Staying in communication prolongs the pain, as it prevents a person from letting go. Also, there are many exs out there who will string someone along endlessly.

 

As far as doing no contact to get someone to miss you...that's a head game. If someone is going to want to try again, it is because of her/his thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values.

 

If someone did no contact with me, and I found out later that it was to try to make me miss her/him, I would think very little of that person. I would actually not want to have anything to do with that person!

 

I was in a four-year relationship that ended months ago. I had a terribly hard time letting go because we stayed in contact. Recently, I decided I had to do 100% no contact in order to move on and finally let go and heal. It has been a week. It has been really hard, but I know that I deserve to have healthy, safe, loving friendships and relationships.

 

I live in a small town, and I run into my ex often. It is difficult to not say a word. For a long time, I was trying to do no contact, but when we ran into one another, we would always end up talking and hugging. My ex would suggest trying again, but when I would take this seriously, it always turned out to be some sort of head game. That just made it all worse for me. I would have to always start over again with no contact.

 

So this is day seven. I haven't called, emailed, or anything. I am hoping to be strong when I run into my ex (it will happen eventually). I know that I have to turn around and walk the other way, or completely ignore my ex. I refuse to play head games. I will not allow my ex to exploit my feelings or vulnerability.

 

The time has come to finally move on.

[fantasia2004]

Well said healing,

 

 

 

Why allow yourself to be punished emotionally and mentally at the exes' expense?

 

Never again will I allow myself to be a glutton for punishment. I had to learn the hard way when I tried for months to reconcile only to receive rejection and self pity.

 

No more pain. We all deserve better. We should move forward and never turn back.

[healing]

fantasia,

 

I eventually reached a point where I realized there was nothing I could say or do. My ex made a decision, and it was time for me to accept it.

I felt used, exploited, strung along, the whole works! I felt so embarrassed and humiliated at times. My friends told me I was being strung along, but I could not see it for the longest time.

 

I had to learn the hard way too. Life is like that sometimes. My ex really misled me, and I wish that I would have seen it right away.

 

I think that we will chose more wisely next time!

 

We deserve to be treated properly, and not have these horrible games in our lives.

[aha]

Healing,

 

I couldnt say it better myself. I recently started no contact for the same reasons. There was nothing more to say. I told her it was time I let her go.

[fantasia2004]

To a-ha and healing,

 

 

 

 

When we finally do let go even if it does not matterand will not later or ever again, will our exes ever realize what they lost?

 

Even if they found the "grass greener on the other side" of the fence?

[hairybda]

Try not to think about what the other person is thinking; as hard as it is. Just concentrate on yourself..

 

I am in week #2 of no contact. My ex strung me along for several months.. I finally said enough is enough a couple of weeks ago.

 

Do you guys notice you have up and down days? Part of me misses the other person at times, part of me is glad things are over.

 

Part of me wants to find someone else, and have everything replaced instantly, part of me is scared someone will do what she did to me ....

 

I could ramble on for pages.

 

Another good thing todo, during the no-contact rule, is look at yourself.. and do some self improvement.

 

I for one, bite my nails.. and I have stopped. I might even go for a pedicure this week

 

I have done allot of gardening around the house, re-decorated... gone sailing.. registered for tennis lessons.

[aha]

With my situation, I would have thought she would realize what she lost. Everything was great (so I thought) up until she saw her ex one day., The very next day she told me she needed time to sort out her feelings.

Then wouldnt answer my phone calls, emails, etc...

 

Now I realize that maybe I was just her rebound guy. and she really didnt love me.

 

 

 

To a-ha and healing,

 

 

 

 

When we finally do let go even if it does not matterand will not later or ever again, will our exes ever realize what they lost?

 

Even if they found the "grass greener on the other side" of the fence?

[healing]

Do you guys notice you have up and down days? Part of me misses the other person at times, part of me is glad things are over.

 

Part of me wants to find someone else, and have everything replaced instantly, part of me is scared someone will do what she did to me ....

 

I could ramble on for pages.

 

Yes, I have days like this too. This is a normal part of grieving. The thing is, we must not contact our ex, or respond to contact, when we are missing them.

 

I think that being strung along is damaging. It hurts us psychologically. Our self-esteem is damaged. We become fearful of it happening again.

 

This is a great time to work on ourselves. Developing strong, healthy boundaries is very important.

 

I think you will notice the red flags the next time. If you work on yourself and your issues, I don't think you will be exploited again.

 

An excellent book is "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick J. Carnes. This book helped me immensely. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why I couldn't let go of my ex, why I was so vulnerable to being strung along...this book explained it all. I think that anyone who 'can't let go' would benefit from reading this book. Check your library.

[healing]

When we finally do let go even if it does not matterand will not later or ever again, will our exes ever realize what they lost?

 

I don't know. I cannot focus on my ex anymore, because that just keeps me spinning in my ex's reality!

 

I think that some people do realize what they have lost, and some are in such denial that they refuse to admit that they were responsible for some of the problems in the relationship.

 

It really depends on the ex's ability to really look at her/his behavior, and take responsibility for her/his choices.

 

If your ex was abusive, ambivalent, strung you along, etc...she/he may never 'get it'. She/he may not WANT to change.

 

I suggest that you focus on yourself! Focus on your thoughts, your feelings, your choices, your decisions. You are 100% responsible for you! Make this be about you! I'm sure that you have already given far too much to your ex...give all that love to yourself!!!

 

Happy healing.

 

[SLBG]

Hi Healing,

 

Well said my friend.

 

Today seems to be a very positive day, have been hearing from other ppl on this site and we all seem to be doing very well.

 

I have just been packing the rest of my ex fiancees things up, I did try to do it the other week but found my self crying and listening to love songs.

 

So I woke up this morning & decided, enough is enough. We have put ourselves through enough and its time to move on.

 

I cannot explain how I feel today, but is very much like you are feeling "Healing"

 

My outlook on everthing seems to be alot better, im dealing with things and moving on.

 

I agree with what you say, if you make ur ex miss you and they return was it for the right reasons.

 

If my ex fiancee ever returns I wont to no that she came back for me, coz she loves me, needs me, wants me and is commited to me.

 

I dont want her walking back into my life just because she misses me, I miss my old job but I wouldnt go back to it.

 

I think the power has shifted for me, I dont need the contact with her n e more. I can live on my own, I am a great guy, with a great family and good friends.

 

At least we no we made mistakes and looked for advice, we all found eachother because we was looking for support, advice and ppl to discuss our problems with.

 

What effort have our exs made, I no my ex hasnt made any effort to find out what went wrong. She will never except her share of the blame, she will never take responsiblities for her actions.

 

So who is the looser ? Not me, I no what I did wrong, Im not perfect but the next relationship I enter I will see the red flags early and have the skills/tools to deal with things.

 

While we will all move on, enter new healthy relationship with people who love us for who we are our exs will be left behind. They wont have dealt with things the way we all have.

 

We are all winners, we deserve more in life.

 

slbg

[lisaria]

Hi SLBG

Well said. It's good to see you feeling better and stronger. Keep up the positive thoughts. I always heard that once you learn something no one can take it away. This was a hell of a lesson to learn, but like you said it will make us better able to deal with the next relationship. We have been through so much and deserve better. And we will have better. Good luck to you and stay strong.

Lisa