ellie999 Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 So long story short, my high school sweetheart of three years broke up with me three months ago. Big time GIGS, she just wanted a break initially, but after a month she met someone else and left me for good. I was completely crushed and she knew it. Made all the begging and pleading mistakes in the first three weeks of the 'break'. I loved this girl with all of my heart. We were each others first kiss and first everything. She was my best friend. Anyway after two months of NC on my part (one on hers), I was at a barbecue place having dinner with some friends, and there was a little stage with a guy playing guitar, and my friends convince me to go up and play. So I get up there, and in walks my ex with a friend. First time I've seen her since the initial break. So I finish playing and I go talk to her. She says 'Hey I just absolutely knew for some reason I was going to see you today. I saw your car and came in.' She asks if we can talk and go for a walk. So I just said sure. We found a bench and just started talking. About life, and what we've been up to, and how she's doing great, and I'm doing great. Not really about our relationship. She only mentioned that she doesn't regret her decision and thinks the timing was right and she has no regrets. And said she's sorry that we can't be friends, but that doesn't mean we can't talk. The only emotion I showed was responding to that saying I know you're right but I just never thought that this would happen to us just because we were so close. So anyway we talked for like twenty minutes and then she, her friend, and I went for like a half hour walk and just chit chatted. I was composed the whole time, acted great. Never said I missed her or anything like that. She said some nice things about me too. But I know it's over. She seems so unbelievably good and happy and sure. I came off that way too, but I could't look at her and not think about how much I love her. I just do not know how to stop loving her. My heart just melted when I saw her. I've been doing great and moving on like I'm supposed to, but I just can't let go of the pain and missing of her. I guess nothing else to do but go back into NC. Link to comment
orangesoda Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 mmm, sorry it happened. I don't know, I guess it's good you kept your composure, and you got some kind of closure (?)..but personally, for me, I probably would not have been okay with a 'talk' in person so soon after breaking up a 3 year relationship, especially when the dumper's already jumped into a new relationship. Part of me feels that it was kind of disrespectful on her part. But different strokes for different folks. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I have a feeling she'll regret her decision after a long time of strict NC, you moving on without her, and finding someone new. Good luck. Link to comment
Copper Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Im sorry you had to go through that ellie...My first love broke up with me over a week ago...After a 5 or so days of NC I saw her at a local music venue...It broke my heart, she seemed like she was doing good...Now I know my situation isn't as extreme as yours, not as long NC and such.. But I do know how you feel. Its not an easy thing to do, see the woman you love and know she doesn't want you...even though you think you need her. I do agree back into NC is the way to go. Seems like the only way... Good luck man. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 mmm, sorry it happened. I don't know, I guess it's good you kept your composure, and you got some kind of closure (?)..but personally, for me, I probably would not have been okay with a 'talk' in person so soon after breaking up a 3 year relationship, especially when the dumper's already jumped into a new relationship. Part of me feels that it was kind of disrespectful on her part. But different strokes for different folks. i mean the closure has been there for awhile. i still love her but i know it wont work. we go to different colleges and have some differences that are important to her. and she really did hurt me. i mean i was at the point where i was wondering why i hadnt heard from her in so long. i know i dont need her to be happy. and im excited about the future and love who i am. i know im not going to get back together with her and shes over me and that i have no choice to move on. i just miss her and love her so much and i absolutely cannot help it. i dont see her ever regretting it. she is just so so sure. i just want to be over her and i dont know if it will ever happen. its hard getting over the first love, i was absolutely head over heels for her, in my mind, she was the worlds most attractive girl. ive just to get her off that pedestal. and i have, mostly just because of the lies and false promises and how unbelievably bas she hurt me. i just cant help but love her. seeing her for the first time wasnt awkward, it was just hard because it was so different. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 God, that would horrify me! Kudos to you for acting so strong! Link to comment
ellie999 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 i mean i just wasnt expecting it. and certainly not such like a big way to have our first talk since the breakup. i dont know, its the next day and i just miss her so much now. it is hard. that was the first time ive ever been with her when we werent 'us'. i miss my best friend. Link to comment
gottabelieve Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 You're strong and handled it as well as you possibly could. The thing to take from this is that you left the situation with your dignity and pride, something a lot of others fail to do (which can make the healing process more difficult). Your only choice is NC with her - no question. Link to comment
SighSob Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Go back to NC...pretty much your ( ours ) only option...and hope the pain fades away soon...time will heal everything! And congrats for keeping your head up...good job! Link to comment
gee Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I'll have to agree NC is your only option here. She can't be friends? Then give her what she wants. I think you handled the situation well. Time will heal trust me. Good luck to you man. gee Link to comment
canali Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 why even give her the time of day as per a discussion?...why give her the power again so she can have some closure as per any guilt or whatnot? close the door and move on permanently. when i met my ex of 2 years after a 7 mo hiatus (we bumped into one another on a walk) she too wanted to go for a walk/coffee ...I declined however saying I was (truthfully) heading the other way...she looked hurt (yeah, well tough: next time don't say ''i never loved you'' as you did in your last letter...suck up the consequences of your 'hasta la vista' baby) In short, ''f**k 'em''....I will never consider being friends with an ex: it's black and white for me, not gray: we're either a couple or we're not...but never friends...to me once you cross that line, maybe wayyyyyyyyyy down the line when you don't give a rat's a** you can 'mingle' but other than that, why waste your time?...the good times are in the past with this person. Sure I know some people are cool being friends and hanging out (yada yada) but for me (and many others) it aint gonna happen. And the next time that you bump into her, just smile, acknowledge her presence and keep walking on by......don't stop to get the emotional tapes of ''missing them'' clicking on and then the heart starts to hurt again. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 i mean ya i see youre point, but she's a great girl who i still respect very much and means well, she doesn't play games. yes i do still love her, and i promise you, if you had have been there you would have known this was an unavoidable situation. ya i probably stayed way too long, but what difference does it make. shes not looking back, her reasoning for not being friends is because she truly wants us both to move on, she knows it would probably be too hard for us to be friends. but whatever. ya she still has the power, i thought 3 months of nc might change that but it just doesnt, not after the effort i put in to keeping her. we had the most honest and open relationship with each other there was no hiding anything, and there is too much respect between us, even now. ya we dont talk any more, and she has moved on to someone else, and while i hold it against her for that, she has grown so much after that first wild month, i can see that. i mean so have i. i know deep down we arent right for each other, but i still just care about her so much and theres just nothing i can do but nc and it frickin sucks. Link to comment
canali Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry bud kick her ass off of that pedestal...shedoesnt want to be with you? Then fu*k her! She has already kicked your butt to the curb by moving on to "greener" pastures right? So get in touch with that anger if you want to start to let go instead of all this one sided positive only thinking....if it was so great you'd still be together but you're not.... How about getting some balance and writing down all those things that weren't so great if you are honest? Remember those things once you start to get soft and miss her therein keeping her above you on that pedestal . Link to comment
ellie999 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry bud kick her ass off of that pedestal...shedoesnt want to be with you? Then fu*k her! She has already kicked your butt to the curb by moving on to "greener" pastures right? So get in touch with that anger if you want to start to let go instead of all this one sided positive only thinking....if it was so great you'd still be together but you're not.... How about getting some balance and writing down all those things that weren't so great if you are honest? Remember those thing once you start to get soft and miss her therein keeping her above you on that pedestal in terms of worth. i mean ya, i realize that. but i also know i need to forgive her for what she did to me if i am to move on is well. i mean shes an amazing girl, but far from perfect....she broke up with me by email for gods sake. shes off the pedestal. still hard to get over. i was just unprepared to see her, i was composed and maintained my dignity, but i guess so not expecting it it was hard to just be totally ready and confident. there was clearly like presence of the breakup up in the air, even if we werent talking much about it. i guess nothing to do but go totally nc, and whatever happens happens. i mean i dont know if ill contact her next or shell contact me or if well run into each other. just gotta live in the moment and trust things happen for the right reasons. Link to comment
canali Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 You call her an "amazing" girl who not only gets GIGS but dumps you by email?! So much for all that respect between you two that you talked about. Dude where is your self respect? If both the way and reason you were dumped happened to a pal I doubt you'd be so understandingright? So where is the self love here? Forgiveness moreover comes down the road...you're putting the cart before the horse right now....for now get in touch with your hurt: get angry and push her away to heal and move on....then you can later on start to process forgiveness and all that. But not now. Want some more tough love incentive? Check out a website blog called "getting past your past" (you can even buy her book...do a search for topics once you're on there too as per archived blogs on breaking up healing grieving etc etc). Good luck and write down that list of her crap to remind you why she doesn't deserve your good manners anymore. Link to comment
atelis Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 we are all flawed and we need to realise that. if anyone that dumped us is a bit*h or an a-hole, then we need to analyse why we chose those people to have a relationship with and fix our own issues and pull our head out of the sand. we can only work on and fix ourselves Link to comment
ellie999 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 yes i agree with that entirely, i was pissed off for long time after that. it could not have been a worse way to end it. i promise you self respect and love for myself is not the issue here. i feel unbelievable about who i am and have grown a ton as a person and learned to love myself more that anyone else. i guess i dont hold the grudge and anger as much because ive tried to forgive it. the way she ended it was not good and she was kind of awful the first month, but when i saw her i realize she came to her senses and grew a lot as well. our talk was friendly. theres no reason for there to be hostility, thats not the kind of person that i am. being friendly as opposed to not giving her the time of day isnt going to make me any happier, it makes me no better than she is. its not weird for me to miss her, she was my best friend since i was 16, im 20 now. and thats what im struggling with now. its been 3 months since a 3 and 1/2 year first relationship ended, im proud of where im at now, as opposed to where i was just a few months ago. its just sad to meet up with someone that you once were so unbelievably close to and have it be so different. its just weird, and theres no going back. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 im just really bugged that she's the one who said we cant be friends, i thought after 3 months of nc and a couple ignored texts id at least have some power back...but clearly not 3 months is nothing to a dumper my friends Link to comment
canali Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 first off, congrats on growing into a positive space, despite your grief and anger etc...good for you bud!...well some people (even dumpers) are not happy being friends with exes afterwords and wish to move on entirely...it's a matter of boundaries for them, too....you just have to suck it up and get that love you want/need from other sources....you seem to have a good heart so shouldn't have any problem as there are lots of equally good hearted people out there who would like to interact with bud. maybe downnnnn the road things will change as per your exes feeling on the friendship front...maybe or maybe not...don't waste your time pondering it...isntead for now let it go with your blessing and continue to focus on you and your needs. best cancli Link to comment
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