Is my wife lying to me ..?

[hotdog]

Hi all.

My wife is flirting with guys on the internet as well as having actual sexual relations with another. She wanted to experience sex with another as I was here first. As I trust here completely I said she could. However I think that its more than just the sex. I saw a chat session she wrote to someone (she did not see that i saw) in which she told him that I have no imagination in bed, and then told him that she doesnt love me, but stays because we have children To my face she asserts that she does and promises that she does.. I dont know what to believe, and it is ripping me apart to think that I may have lost her love. I dont know what to do, and dont know how to tell if she is telling me the truth or spinning a yarn for the internet guy, just because he is far.

We dont fight, and our relation is generally very good, except for this issue.

Please, anyone, my heart is crying and need some help to resolve this...

[Hopingpraying]

Dog,

 

You sound a bit overly trusting too me to let your wife have sex with another man just because you were the only one.

 

If you love her though, you need to communicate with her. If you are not doing what she wants in bed then she should at least be telling you what she wants. And I would cut out letting her have sex with other guys. In general women have a harder time then men seperating sex from love.

 

You need to talk to her about this. Let her know what you saw her typing and that it concerns you.

[phil1981UK]

Man oh man, what a situation your in eh!

 

Well, is not for me to say, but man why did you let your wife go with another bloke!!!! You may have been her first, but she new that and accepted that when she married you dude, now she wants her cake, she wants to eat it, then she wants seconds! I cant understand why you would let her do that if you love her as much as you say you do!!!

 

Anyway, what to do, well my advice is to row her out man, from what you say I think she is playing you for a total mug, she knows your a push over and will put up with whatever she wants, so she gets her nice safe home life AND gets laid by anyone she wants and you dont do anything about it!

 

Its this simple man, if she really loved you she would not be doing this, no question, so you need to face up to the fact that she dont love you know more, kick her out and get yourself a woman that will love you, respect you and not want to go round playing hide the sausage with other guys! Wheres your pride man, take control, shes playing you and your letting her do it!

 

I know you love her, but shes crossed the line buddy, love or not, you need to bin her.

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[RJ]

I agree with waynerwayner!! Toss her.

 

But hey who am I to tell you how to live or what your life style should be. If you two are happy that's all that counts. Although, I guess what's good for her is good for you as well. So get out there and start bouncing on those bettys! I think you'll find that she's not so accepting when the shoes on the other foot.

[Celadon]

Dear Hotdog-

 

More of the same advice here. Your heart is crying because you've been betrayed and the person you're expecting to fix things -- your wife -- isn't going to fix anything. I don't know how she got so far off the deep end, but this is ridiculous.

 

Your wants and needs are important. You're a giving sort of person, but there are boundaries, man. No one's going to take care of your needs but you. If you keep letting her do whatever she wants, you will get really really really angry, because your needs aren't being met. That's a recipe for disaster.

 

I suspect that even though things are 'fine' at home -- no fights -- there's no spark either, and probably no healthy and deep communication. Sometimes, in order to fight, people have to care enough. Sometimes not fighting is "safe."

 

Please, consider going to a counselor or a support group. Then you'll have teh support you need to do what you need to do -- regain control over your life. If your wife decides to join you in therapy, great. But first and foremost, focus on you.

 

Take care.

[hotdog]

Hi all

 

thanks for your support and comments... It is very difficult to be in a situation like this - I love my wife more than anything, and have 2 wonderful children with her.

I dont know where I went wrong and why ...

I so badly want that to regai that spark and win her love back again... I vowed never to have a disastrous family life like I went through as a kid, yet I am living in my worst nightmare...my wife telling others she does not love me...

I am going to a counselor next week.. wish me luck everyone..

[woopsydaisy]

Hi hotdog.....yes lots of luck with the counceling etc...just remember though that you deserve to be treated better.Its very obvious that you love your wife.....but letting her sleep with other men is a recipe for disaster.Its going to be very hard now .....with all questions running through your head if she loves you or not.I hope you are BOTH going to councelling because it seems to me that she needs help just as much as you.i admire you for sticking it out because you want to make it work for your family.....but i believe both parents need to love each other to make a family work out and stay healthy as one unit.good luck

[GeeCee]

My oh my ... this is difficult. I would think if you have 'allowed' your wife to have sex with another man, she has probably lost respect for you. Sure, people often say things that they might not mean, but they think that their partner will not act on it. Now she has. Whatever happens, and you two might be able to salvage something, you have got to communicate with each other.

 

If we look at the whole picture, I guess one could argue that the wife has done nothing wrong, because the you gave her permission to have sex with someone else. But, this has got you into a real situation.

 

I think that you have to set some boundaries, really firm boundaries. Tell her that you expect her to have respect for herself and your relationship, and she cannot have that while discussing your personal life with strangers and, indeed, having sex with others.

 

The counselling is a good thing, but for goodness sake, do not do it alone. She needs the counselling more than you!!

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[kleptoz28]

hotdog,

 

This certainly is a situation you're in. I have a daugther myself, and I stayed in that relationship too long just because we had a child together.

 

You should have NEVER let her have sex with another man. She may have only been with you, but she knew that was the deal when she married you. You can't be controlling of someone else, but there are certain things you have a right do demand your wife not do, and that is one of them. There have to be some boundaries, or she'll lose all respect for you. And worse yet, she has told him she no longer loves you.

 

Good luck with the counseling. I would suggest going to couples counseling. And if she's not willing to do that, you may be the one who needs to initiate a breakup. I know it hurts, but you need to pull yourself together for the sake of your children. She's the one who committed adultry, not you, and if it comes down to it, that will matter in a custody hearing.

[alilbitworried]

Hi, I don't see how you could let your wife be with another man, if my hubby even seen me look at one he would go insane! But that was a choice you are now having to deal with. It looks as if she is trying to live 2 lives and to you that is not fair. If she really loves you then she would put an end to this with this other man. My god you have kids together, she should know how bad that could screw them up, its not a good example for them. I would sit down and tell her how you feel, that is what she owes you. If she can't change then let her go, do it for your kids and your sake! You all deserve much better. I hope things work out for the best.

[Francis]

After being all this time with you, she probably loves you but is not aware of that. You need to rekindle her passion :

 

Since you have been so kind such as to let her explore lateral relationships, tell her you wish to do the same and explore on your own. She won't be able to enjoy her fantasies anymore because she'll be too worried about losing you. That will bring her back to the real world.

 

Good luck!

[redsuede]

I have never admitted this to strangers until now. YOU JUST SET YOURSELF UP>... Let me just tell you. I had a partner for 5 years and the same exact situation enfolded in my lap. I too agreed what you did, and you know what happened? It didnt end there.. It actually got thrown in my face that I was too controlling asking questions about if anything had happened. Then after that, i was sure that my mate would see the error of that, nope.. another one came along. and 3 months later (which is now) she is sleeping with a married man in a very prominant religion here.

 

I am struggling every minute I am awake to make it to the next minute, but I want to do this. I have had a very cruel time of this, and it all just comes back to being my fault.

 

Please, please take my advice.. Try to turn this around before its too late.. But moreso.. do you really want someone who you can no longer trust.. she has cut you in half with words to this other man. she is going to be sleeping with this other man.. do you really trust her now? Dont you want to be with someone who wants to be with just you, and not only that, most people think its a special thing to think that the person they are with is the only person they have been with. Not many people can say that one. so I dont understand that reasoning..

 

Please rethink this relationship.. She is not worth it anymore.. "someone who cant see what you are worth, doesnt deserve you"