Need Help Again. Now that I think about it, I could smack him!

[IntegrityGal]

I thought about it and he sent me an email a few days after he dumped me.

I never meant to harm or hurt you in any way and I’m really sorry for not being able to make you happy.

I must carry on with my own decisions and I just hope that in the future, we can remain friends.

To be all nice i guess.

 

Then he sends me 3 more emails spread over a few weeks to give me updates on him. I was pissed! So I asked him, why email me after dumping me? He explained that he did not want me to think he gave me Swine Flu. Which at the time, was possible. He came straight from Mexico to my house to break up w/ me. i kissed him on the cheek as he walked in the door.

 

THEN! As I kinda felt like i was moving on (partying hard actually) I get this strange email from someone thru Facebook. THis girl had set up a fake profile and left an email that caused me to call him and ask if certain things were true. He swore on his Mother that he never cheated on me. I knew it wasn't true, but I had to make sure.

 

So this started the communication up again. (we stopped emailing around 5/18 & star)ted again @ 6/1)

 

I start having time to acutally think. And start analyzing. So What I came up with: I had an epiphany this a.m. and I couldn’t wait to share it with you.

 

So last night before I went to bed, thoughts run thru my mind regarding all aspects of my life. Then I think of us and then I realize the weight that feels lifted off my shoulders when I talk to you. I don’t know why it helps, but it just does. It makes my consciousness clearer & easier for me to put things in perspective. So last night before I went to bed I was thinking, was I was really ready to commit either? And then I thought, even if feeling like I was sort-of joking each time I brought things of that nature up, there was no denying where my brain was and how fast I got sucked in. Because of how easy we got along, had fun together, commonalities, the love and chemistry, I thought I was ready, you were feeding the foundation, so seemed like you were on-board, I felt these were good enough reasons.

 

But this morning, my epiphany, I am barely awake, doing a life scan again as I sometimes do and I realize, hey, I shouldn’t have been ready either because we didn’t really know each other as well as we thought we did & being the hopeless romantic, I/we was/were not considering everything before getting carried away. We know enough to fall in love, but not enough to be acting like I’m done, this is “the one”. And there was no way to see any of this if were to stay together but slow down and give us more time, or even to “take a break”. I had to get thru these different phases of introspect before I could get to this realization. For the main goal to be growth, I now agree with you it had to end.

 

My mantra is balance is the secret of happiness. We were out of balance. I was out of balance going into this & thrown out of balance while in it & with an added extra responsibility(me), your life was thrown out of balance too. Being in love and out of balance, it’s hard to focus on the right things. For example: our relationship style: with me being very open and you being private, the focus would need to be on things like this in order to find a happy balance. We both needed to balance hobbies, friends and life better. These are just a few things that I came to realize after digging deep.

 

I wanted to share this with you. You are important to me... Celebrating my roommate's bday tonight doesn't seem right without you. But I truly believe everything happens for a reason & what is meant to be will be. Hope you were able to feel the wind beneth your wings today and/or tomorrow skydiving!!! I absolutely love knowing you got to jump 11 times last weekend. Happy weekend!

 

And he responds:

While reading your e-mail, I felt closer to you than just an "ex-boyfriend communicating to an ex-girlfriend", it's more like friends that care for each other and I understand perfectly when you mention that weight is lifted from your shoulders while talking to me, because it happens the same way with me. I know that I can share things with you and talk freely, knowing that you will listen and you care about what I have to say.

 

some phrases sound some times like "commercial" and some other like philosophy, yet I believe on what you said: "what is meant to be, will be". All I know right now is that I can trust you, I can count on you and that every time I hear your voice (either because you called or because I call), it brings a smile to my face.

 

I'm not really sure where I'm going with my personal/sentimental life. There are more questions in my mind than answers, yet I'm going one step at the time. Feeling the air in my face last weekend, jumping as I used to do (non stop, jump-land-pack-jump again) felt good and at the same time brought a bit of piece to my soul and my mind. Also the idea of not hurting you and that we are capable of talking and communicating is important to me because as you know, you are and will always be a very important person in my life.

 

Thanks for writing and sharing, it means a lot to me and allows me to feel trusted, which now a days, means more than most people can imagine (even more when some psycho-weird person contacted you with some weird stories).

Have a great week and keep in touch.

Un beso

 

So I respond with an understanding email and the Contact begins for about 11 straight days. I love talking to him and the conection, but it got addicting. I would run to my hotmail to see if he had emailed me, have my cell phone on me at all times in case he called me.

 

then i realized i had picked the scab.

 

The feeling of pulling back together after a tragedy feels like a whole new bond. a whole new level of closeness (since he was private).

 

He traveled a lot out of the 6mo's we were together. So we had a lot of intense "i miss you deperately" time. And then a lot of intense get to know you time. We never had a chance to argue, we never had a chance to develop pet peeve's. we were still learning the next level of things about each other. he took me to Australia.

 

i feel like even when i dig deep, there is no reason why we won't get back together, "once he finds his readiness."

(read my first post, to come up to speed if you like)

 

I don't know if you read the "okay-ness" in our emails like i do, but i wish i could find something more wrong then the simple fact of him dumping me.

 

Is it bad that i want something negative to hold on to, so i can harp on that and have it help me move on? ](*,)

[kiethatela]

Sometimes, we can't even imagine that our ever greatest relationship will come to an end. This is what really life is. We need and necessarily accept the fact that all things that may and will come into our life has an end. It would be better if you and him will stop having an affair or something that will make your your break. Or else, try reading some articles in order for you to gain more knowledge about how to move on and for you also to divert your attention into more productive. Try link removed and look for this title "Relationship breakdown".

[chewy21]

Honestly, IG, I see no reason why this couldn't work out. The reason he left seems like either doublespeak at worst, and a fairly weak reason at best. The fact that you two are able to maintain communication in a civil manner suggests that things aren't as bad as they seem.

 

From what I've read about you, you're doing everything right. You were keeping NC, then when you had contact, it wasn't all the clingy, guilt-trip stuff. It was friendly, and even though you started to crave it, I didn't see anything unhealthy. A fresh start with some time set aside for the two of you to settle down a bit and get to know each other might be just what the doctor ordered.

 

On the other hand, it all depends on what you want. I don't want to reopen the wound by saying all of what I said if your mind's in a totally different place.

 

If you don't want to get back together with him, then I'd go back NC. The closure that would make everything so much easier won't be there, but it will give you the space you need away from him to move on, heal, and do all the things you've been wanting to do.

 

On the other hand, you might try an ultimatum. If you're unsure what it is you want, then try seeing what you have to work with. Tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, then he needs to come back and work on it with you. If not, then you guys need to go your separate ways. This will either bring him back if he's willing, or show you for certain that he's not willing. Either way, you can't keep yourself in limbo for him forever.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I'll try and stay adrift on how the situation develops. Keep us updated!

[IntegrityGal]

Oh! i want him back more then anything in the world!

 

Now you see why am having a hard time staying away! There is no reason why we should be apart except for his lack of readiness. He insists that until he is ready, it cannot work. I agree that fear and love cannont exist in the same place. but readiness, i think we could work on. he's convinced that the pulling away would come accross as lieing and we would eventually "de-rail". He's been thru it before, he has proof. Only I'm not the same girl and it was 5 years ago.

 

I am just trying to get over the non stop internal dialogue, cycling in my head over and over and over. And when it finally stops, random thoughts or memories pop up. Damn radio!

 

Like TODAY i was simply at the grocery store thinking gee, i wish i was shopping for US. He could so benefit from a home cooked meal(he travels a lot so his frige has to stay empty). But noooooo, i hope he enjoys his cold cereal he's used to making himself. Big dummy!

I hope he thinks about the amazing last massage i gave him after he returned from a long business trip.

Coo-coo bananitas as we used to say, he is just coo coo bananitas!

 

So when can i start talking to him again????? i think by 30 days i'll be where is should be. i think less/no depseration is a good goal........