Cognitive_Canine Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 I just don't see the big deal of it. I don't think it was a problem in my last relationship, we had sex about once a week, but we have now split due to other reasons. Sex was never too great with her, maybe it would be different with someone else, I don't know. I'm just not a fan on getting intimate It could be you just haven't found the right person. Or it could be that you just don't have a sexual drive like a majority of people do. Most asexual people are completely capable of becoming aroused and preforming, they just are rather apathetic about sex. People can also go from asexual to sexual from time to time depending on a change of preference or just out of the blue over time. But, if you just don't feel it, you don't feel it. I am at work so I can't provide a link. But, there are resources and forums online specifically for the asexual. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 I just don't see the big deal of it. I don't think it was a problem in my last relationship, we had sex about once a week, but we have now split due to other reasons. Sex was never too great with her, maybe it would be different with someone else, I don't know. I'm just not a fan on getting intimate Could be you're assexual. But... It could also be like you said you haven't met the right person. Or maybe that ex of yours turned you off sex. Maybe if you find someone who is really enthousiastic in bed and wants to explore new stuff. Or maybe you'll find someone you're more attracted to mentally and physically. I have my moments where I couldn't care less for sex and once a week is good. But when I see my partner also has no interest.. or we're not doing it often.. suddenly I want it more then ever and once a week isn't enough. Link to comment
Lecturer Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Wouldn't work for me, unless I was allowed to sleep with other women. Which - when you think about it - is only fair. If for whatever reason you don't want sex, that is fine, but I don't think its fair or logical to impose that on your SO. If my wife doesn't want to eat meat anymore.. so be it - but she isn't going to stop me from eating meat and it would be unfair and selfish of her to think I should. (This analogy is not meant to reflect the signinficance, just the mechanics) Link to comment
Alezia Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Although I wouldn't be too happy with absolutely no sex... the no intimacy part is even worst to me. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Hi, I'm not going to go in to specifics here, but I just want to get the general idea of other people. If you were madly in love with someone, and you were happily in a relationship with them, would it matter to you if they didn't want to have sex? Would this be a reason to leave that person. I'm just wondering because I'm not such a great fan of sex myself, but I love being in a relationship.. A reason to leave is that a partner only considers their own needs, sexual or otherwise. Relationships aren't just about what YOU get from them. In fact, I think you get more out of them by focusing on what you can give. To a lot of people, sex can be the glue that holds a relationship together. Physical intimacy is what distinguishes that relationship from other friends and family. It is supposed to be that one thing that you keep for each other. To ask your partner to forego that intimacy because you're "not a fan..." sends the message that "your needs are not my problem" except they are... Let me ask you this then. If you're "not a fan" and could do without sex, would you have a problem with your partner having a lover, or several to fulfill this need? Or do you just expect them to do without what is essentially a basic human need just to be in a relationship with you. IMO, it is very seldom that two peoples sex drives will always be in synch. So it is important that both partners be willing to negotiate to some degree the amount of intimacy, and the "non-interested" party make an effort to get interested, not just lay there bitterly, waiting for it to be over. Likewise the "over-interested" party needs to not constantly pressure for it, enjoy other forms of intimacy as well... Link to comment
Circe Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 If you were madly in love with someone, and you were happily in a relationship with them, would it matter to you if they didn't want to have sex? Would this be a reason to leave that person. I'm just wondering because I'm not such a great fan of sex myself, but I love being in a relationship.. If I were madly in love and happy - lack of sex would not be a reason to leave. But is it possible to be "happily in a relationship" in such circumstances? I believe I could be happy in a relationship with someone I loved without actual sex provided there was still a lot of other forms of physical intimacy and some level of sexual attraction. But without any intimacy apart from the occasional hug? I'm not sure I would have let a relationship like that transform into a proper romantic/partnership-relationship in my mind. I think I'd always have interpreted that as a friendship and so I just can't really imagine being in this situation. It seems incongruous. Link to comment
helplesslyhoping Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Has anyone considered a medical reason for not having any sex drive? Have your testosterone levels checked. I'm being very serious. This happened with my x. He had NO drive AT ALL. His testosterone levels were almost 0. He took his meds and within weeks, he had a "normal" healthy sex drive. As for me, there is no way I could have a relationship without sex. It is a bond of intimacy that I share with my partner and no one else. I'll hug a stranger, but I won't get naked with one. Link to comment
confusedgirly Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 It would not work for me! I get aggro if we only do it twice a week Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Has anyone considered a medical reason for not having any sex drive? Have your testosterone levels checked. I'm being very serious. This happened with my x. He had NO drive AT ALL. His testosterone levels were almost 0. He took his meds and within weeks, he had a "normal" healthy sex drive. See, this is helpful. If your partner wants/needs intimacy, and you love her, you should be looking for a solution, not an excuse. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 But, I would hate it if my boyfriend had sex to humour me. If he's not really into it, it just kills it for me. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 But, I would hate it if my boyfriend had sex to humour me. If he's not really into it, it just kills it for me. I get that. But it's unrealistic to expect that 'every time' you want sex, he will want it, and 'every time' he wants sex, you will want it..So what it one always wants it and the other could just as easily roll over & go to sleep?What do you do in those times? When there is an imbalance of desire and one partner is always getting their way (i.e. skipping sex) and the others needs are being repeatedly denied, it creates a worse problem, because the denied party will resent that the uninterested party can't be bothered to care about their needs... Often, if you just make the decision to go for it, it doesn't take long to GET in the mood. So make the effort for your partner, because you want to give them that. That is all I am saying.... It's not "humoring" you, it's doing something to give you pleasure because he loves you. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Well, if the desire suddenly goes down, it's probably a medical reason. If the desire was there, it's because the person is asexual and the two aren't compatible. You can't fit a square peg into a round hole and trying to do that WILL lead to resentment. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Well, if the desire suddenly goes down, it's probably a medical reason. If the desire was there, it's because the person is asexual and the two aren't compatible. You can't fit a square peg into a round hole and trying to do that WILL lead to resentment. There's a myriad of reasons. When you are in a LTR and one of you loses interest, you need to have a plan of action until you can get to the root of the problem and work through it. I think people who end a relationship because of short-term sexual incompatibility are going to spend a lifetime looking for "the one" when they've likely already tossed some great relationships aside. If both partners are wanting and willing to communicate, consider the other, and compromise, then there is a greater chance of long-term happiness. But everyone seems to have this unrealistic expectation that their partner should be meeting all their needs, all the time, and if it isn't working right now, then it must mean the relationship is flawed and should be ended...I find this to be sad and untrue I can tell you from my own personal experience, a relationship has the potential to become deeper and deeper, and more fulfilling once you weather a few of these relationship 'storms' together. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I understand compromise and working through times when one of you has changed feelings. But, if the desire is never there, regardless of the person or the situation, then that person is just plain asexual. Asexuality is a real thing and it's not a bad thing. Link to comment
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