How do i tell him i want more time to work?

[newlife21]

i want to have more time for myself but my boyfriend wants to spend everyday with me after work. i do not know how to tell him. he is very sensitive, he will withdraw his love for me if i tell him this. i actually need the time to work more, and another reason is i aim not to revolve my world around him.

 

he told me before he doesn't like me to work after 5pm, he will feel that my work is more important than him. i feel that he is not my husband, i need to work to make a living and i do not want him to support me because he is not my husband. i also have big plans for my business, to materialise my plans, i need to work long hours.

 

i hope to resolve this without him withdrawing his love. do you have any advice? i love him very much, but i love my work very much too.

[littlestar]

There needs to be a balance between work and play. If you can't find that balance then i am afraid you're going to have to choose what's more important to you. The man or working long hours.

[case]

Little star is spot on. Cant you compromise or work out a balance?

 

He obviously wants to be with you coz he loves you, and maybe also for your well being (not working long hours),

 

If this is your business, explain to him what your plans are what you need to do. if he knows what has to be done and what a big task it is, it may help him to understand.

 

To spend everyday with him, is probably a lot anyways - do you live together? If you do thats different, but, i only see my boyfriend once a week! Id love it to be more, but every day might be too much. You can get sick of people that way.

 

Maybe work out certain days you spend with him. He doesn't want to be left out.

[Daligal83]

While it is important to strike a balance, I find it controlling of him to say that he'll feel rejected if you work past 5 pm. If he can't realize that just because you may need to put in extra hours here and there it doesn't mean that you don't love him or want to be with him, then he has some serious insecurity issues going on. It's like he needs you to get out of work as soon as possible and immediately go be with him to prove that you love him everyday. Life doesn't work like that.

 

What if you want to go out with girlfriends? Or run errands? Or go to the gym? Can you do those things without him feeling like he's being put second?

[agent1607307371]

he told me before he doesn't like me to work after 5pm, he will feel that my work is more important than him.

 

Doesn't sound like concern for the OP, more concern for himself. Of course, it could have been poorly worded.

 

OP, how long have you been with him? How old are you both and does he work?

Ultimately, if you want to expand your business, the fact is certain things have to be put on the back burner. And doing this with your bf and having him remain that way will depend on him being supportive of you and seeing the bigger picture.

 

Do the two of you see marriage in the future? Does he want a wife who works? Does he want to be the main provider?

[COtuner]

Doesn't sound like concern for the OP, more concern for himself. Of course, it could have been poorly worded.

 

OP, how long have you been with him? How old are you both and does he work?

Ultimately, if you want to expand your business, the fact is certain things have to be put on the back burner. And doing this with your bf and having him remain that way will depend on him being supportive of you and seeing the bigger picture.

 

Do the two of you see marriage in the future? Does he want a wife who works? Does he want to be the main provider?

 

Agreed. I would expect any man I am dating to understand my career, my responsibilities, and support me doing what it is I enjoy doing. Just as I do for any man I date. I am supportive, flexible, understanding when he has to work late or go on business travel when we were supposed to go on vacation.

 

Why does he have this hard line cut off at 5pm? I don't know anyone who is home before 6 anyway... seems somewhat controlling to me.

[waveseer]

I used to get this pressure all the time, and I was married. It was truly a double bind as I was expected to be the sole provider and yet I was also expected to magically make each day 30 hours long.

[newlife21]

thank you very much for all your replies. to answer your questions on our background, i am in mid 30s, he is early 40s. we are in semi long distance relationship. he will spend a month here and a month in another state because of his work. we have been together for about 3 years.

 

this semi LDR had caused our passion burning. we felt very in love throughout the whole time. he works the regular office job 9 to 5, i run my own business from home. as i am expanding, when i am alone i do work at night. when he is here, i don't work at night and yes, my business does get affected.

 

we do not live together, i do not want to. i fear living together will spoil things even before if we get married.

 

since he is not here all the time, when he is here, he feels that i would drop everything to spend all the time with him after his office hours.

 

i used to revolve my world around him, i almost became needy and it made the relationship worse. i woke up and started to do things differently, i focus on "my life", business, hobbies etc, and now i realise he is only part of my life.

 

this is a huge dilema: if i revolve my world around him, he would find me needy and demanding and withdraw. if i am a lot more independent, he will feel i love him less. there was once i worked when he was at my place at night, he got unhappy and told me he doesn't want to see me work, if not he feels crappy.

 

if we get married, i still want to work. my goal is to make a lot of money because i want to sponsore orphans. i actually aim to do this for god. i haven't told him about this, i am afraid he will withdraw. he likes his wife to be a more "housewife" type, and submissive. he asked me a few times if i am going to work long hours after we got married. honestly, i would like to. he also would like a baby, honestly, i do not want to, becausae i know i can accomplish more without my own baby. boy, the more i type, the more i feel that we may not be compatible...

[newlife21]

While it is important to strike a balance, I find it controlling of him to say that he'll feel rejected if you work past 5 pm. If he can't realize that just because you may need to put in extra hours here and there it doesn't mean that you don't love him or want to be with him, then he has some serious insecurity issues going on. It's like he needs you to get out of work as soon as possible and immediately go be with him to prove that you love him everyday. Life doesn't work like that.

 

What if you want to go out with girlfriends? Or run errands? Or go to the gym? Can you do those things without him feeling like he's being put second?

 

just to add, he doesn't let me go out with friends if there is any guys inside the group. he will not be happy. i intend to join painting class, and there will be guys, and now i do worry if he will be unhappy.

 

i think we both have insecurity problem, but i had learnt to let go.

[Daligal83]

It just doesn't sound healthy. When you are secure with yourself and trust your partner, these problems don't come up. I would never date someone who didn't let me hang out when guys were around. I refuse to lose friends for someone.

 

Like you said, the more you explain the more it sounds like you aren't compatible. You have different life goals. He wants you to be someone you're not. I think you need to reevaluate what you want in a relationship and see if this one is meeting your needs.

[newlife21]

i understand what you mean. you see, you are still young, friends are important to you. for me, i do not really mind losing guy friends for him, because he is more important to me.

 

now what bothers me is, if i say " i can't see you tonite because i need to work", boy he won't take that as a justified thing. i don't want to spoil our relationship.

 

how do you guys tell your partner i can't see you tonight or i don't want to see you everyday?

[Daligal83]

By making a compromise and suggesting alternatives. When he's around, don't work late every night. And the nights that you do, suggest some real quality time for the next night. You say say "I really need to work until 8 tonight, but how about we go try that new restaurant tomorrow?" Or suggest something for after you're done working. It lets him know that even though you need to work, he's still important to you and spending time with him is still important. It shows that you're still thinking of him even though you need to work.

 

And I don't think age has anything to do with needing friends. My mother is 61 and she still has girls nights. Not out at a bar or anything, but they have scrabble nights or go out to dinner. I know for a fact that she'd never allow my father to tell her who she's allowed to see, but I don't think my father would ever do that. And it's just not because her friends are mostly female. She participated in this adult religious group without my dad (due to a religious ritual that he had done already and she had not). This group had males and females and they'd get together after they were done with it. It was never a problem.

[newlife21]

thanks for your advice. i will try and test water and see his reaction.

[Daligal83]

I hope it goes well!

 

I think it's good to set the standard early on. If you cave every time he demands that you stop working, he's going to get even more upset when you finally put your foot down because he's learned to expect you to comply.

 

If what I suggested doesn't work, just sit down and explain to him what you explained to us. That your work is important to you and you don't plan on giving it up, but he is also important and you're trying to strike a balance. Explain that you own your own business and at times you need to work extra in order to make it successful. You hope he will support you through this since it means so much to you.

[newlife21]

right, i am sure i have to do the communication sooner or later. thanks again!