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The Death of Hope - a semi rant


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Tonight I got off the phone with my newly divorced husband and I realized that the pain I was suffering was not so much the death of the relationship but the death of the hope I had been carrying over the past seven months that he and I would get back together.

 

I carry this place in my heart that just didn't want to let go - that soft tender spot that glowed whenever he was around - that ached night and day for the sound of his voice in search of the softness it once held for me.

 

In February prior to the finalization of our divorce he had started coming around. It only made the ache deeper. Four weeks ago I went n/c after doing a face to face with him about needing to heal and he agreed. Two weeks to the day, he called and wanted to talk. He showed up spit polished - eager to try finding common ground. Wanted to spend time together. He promised he was ready to try.

 

Mind you this was nearly 3 weeks after the judge finaled the divorce. I greived the loss of that committed relationship as well as the man who had been the love of my life. Most of the problems, I chalked up to mid-life crisis, and still do. But how do you retract the hurtful things they've said to you? How do you recover from betrayal without working through the issues that got you there? I needed to work through those bumps that ravaged my trust and broke my heart, and he said he wanted to start fresh. He was apologetic, repentative, kind, almost like the man I fell in love with.

 

We agreed we would live apart while trying to establish this new ground. But within a week, he's back to being hateful and cold, evasive and aloof.

 

How do you reconcile without facing issues? How do you come to grips with the horror they've put you through without dealing with the problems and walking through them together. He didn't want to fight but he would get defensive when those bumps in the road hit.

 

I realized tonight my pain came from the loss of hope. It's one thing to lose the love of your life. It's another to lose hope that they are truly coming back. They don't. At least not the person you once knew. Whatever experience they've had from the time of seperation changes them. He became the most selfish person I've ever met. Cold, hateful, selfish. Then I found out the woman he left for has a new boyfriend. And she was seen making out with him at a local establishment in the parking lot of all places(shows what kind of woman she is).

 

But oh my heart hurts. Tears come and the ache is there burning inside of me. I'm so tired of sorrow. I'm so tired of crying. How many tears can one body shed? I put our wedding rings away the other day and it hurt so badly. Took the pictures off the wall and locked them in a closet. There are so many things I left hoping he would come home.

 

I should take his motorcycle leathers and set them on fire as a sacrifice to his God of selfishness. He's mad b/c I'm having to sell the motorcycle to pay bills I can't afford otherwise. Next will be the house. But he signed that all away in the divorce. What is a woman to do?

 

I feel like such a fool for hoping he would come home and holding on to the hopes and dreams I had for the future. That's the only reason I kept everything, so we would have it when he came home. I'm such a fool.

 

What a bitter hateful man he has become and me a wet mop of despair.

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Your wants for him to come back are all natural, but as you say, things have changed in both of you. No doubt, he is experiencing a change in you that was different from the women that he married.

 

The good news is that you have started on the track to recovery. You have stepped past the want for him to come back, and into clearing your life of his memory i.e. removing the constant reminders of him. Often moving to a house where he has never been also helps, as it holds no memories of him. In some ways, it's starting again with a clean slate.

 

Anger is a good and necessary tool, but don't let it overcome you, as bitterness can make your life worse and not better. It should be a quick fix on the way to acceptance and closure, not something you hold onto.

 

Tears are clensing, but in your case, once you allow yourself to let them stop by stepping away from the memories, then you will feel like you have achieved a step in the right direction.

 

Most importantly, keep up the distance between you and him. Cut all communications and go NC while you heal. Push him away each time he makes contact as this will only set you back. Be strong, there is a world of support out there (and on here). Take it in small steps, but do what is best for you.

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I am so sorry for your pain. You are not a fool for hoping he would come to his senses. Look what he threw away...and look what he ran to. Clearly he is a mess and a shell of the man he once was. He was foolish and run to a flighty woman..he got what he deserved. He is too far gone right now to come back. He is bitter and hateful because he hates himself...he knows he majorly messed up his life and made a very stupid decision to forsake his marriage for a tart. Eventually the pain will lessen for you as you become accustomed to shelving those dreams and creating new ones.

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Thank you all for your kind words. I know I'm not alone from all these posts it's just a lonely journey that each person must take one step at a time. I was reading the article about codependency and loving unavailable people and have to acknowledge that's exactly who I married. Yes, I love him deeply (will always probably have this soft place in my heart), but when I married him I knew he was needy - overly so. I thought if I showed him how much I loved him, he would realize how beautiful a person he was. That article explained that if a person can't love themselves, they can't truly love anyone. I don't know how many times he told me he hated himself. I can see that now. No matter how much you love a person - if they can't see it and they can't feel it, they can't experience it.

 

What a sad sad state of human affairs.

 

You all are kind. Thanks for listening.

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