Feeling Safe

[LBP]

I've had it happen more than once that a girl will say she loves to be in my arms because it makes her feel 'small and protected,' 'like I'm safe when you hold me,' and etc. For me, it feels like in the 21st century, a woman shouldn't have to feel 'safe' in order to feel comfortable in bed. It makes me feel like her dad or something. Perhaps a test run for my parental capabilities?? Anyway, to me this is a little disturbing and something of a turn off. I never say anything because it happens often enough that I can distinguish it as a trend, but still, that's my gut reaction. I'm not asking that they feel 'disturbed and slightly cautious' while with me, just that they feel comfortable without needing to add some strange daddy element to the proceedings.

 

Am I the only one who thinks this? Am I wrong for thinking it?

[COtuner]

It's not a daddy thing, it's a protector thing. I like to feel like the guy I'm with is strong and can take care of me. Whether I need it or not, psychologically sometimes I grow tired of feeling like it's me against the world and I want to feel like someone is there if I faltered.

 

It may also be somewhat instinctive, possibly

[HouseKitten]

Not exactly wrong but I think you might be overthinking it.

 

I mean, men and women normally fit together in a certain way: traditionally, the man is taller and stronger or heavier, and the girl is shorter and lighter. It doesn't always work out that way but I know I don't go for men who are shorter or thinner than myself, and a lot of girls will feel the same.

 

I don't think it's a daddy thing so much as liking to feel feminine being wrapped up in a man's arms, him obviously being bigger and surrounding you, can make a girl feel very soft and girly and protected. I spose Freud would tell you it's linked to their fathers but according to him so was practically everything a girl likes about her lovers

 

I wouldn't let it bother you. They're not associating you with their dad, they're more likely trying to express that you make them feel like a woman, and that you definitely feel like a good, strong man to them!

[dragon lady]

I've said this before on here and I copped a lot of * * * * for it. I'll say it again because I think it's relevant.

 

I actually can't think of anything more uncomfortable than being with a big, strong guy. Sure, they're hot and turn me on, but it's not something I look for in a LTR. This is because I've had a history of abuse and I'd much rather be with someone who I feel I could defend myself against if need be. This is why I tend to go for skinnier, less muscular men.

 

I'm not sure why women claim to "feel safe" with bigger guys. The fact of the matter is that you are far more likely to be abused/killed/raped by your boyfriend or spouse than a stranger, so it doesn't really make sense. I'm not judging them. They can date whoever they want. Besides, it leaves more skinny guys for me

[HouseKitten]

I don't see why people would give you * * * * for that, it's your personal preference

 

Like I said, I feel the opposite, and I would tend to avoid the kind of men you like because I want someone who can look after me, whereas I feel guys who are more feminine shaped than I am just bring out my maternal side rather than my attraction.

 

But, I guess a lot of your feelings would be linked to your abuse? I'd imagine it's completely natural to develop a disliking for the kind of physical type that will remind you of something traumatic.

[Raistlin]

.... there needs to be more girls like you around here.

 

Anyhow, I've found that being a skinny guy has its ups and downs. No matter how good of shape I'm in, I can look really cut, but I'll never be "buff" and have huge muscles. This, in turn, helps and hurts when trying to date.

 

Most women want someone that can be intimidating and/or protect them should the need arise. I can handle my own if I had to, but a lot of women see my frame, think I'm weak, and that's it. Some women, though, give me a chance, and realize that 99% of the time, I can defuse a situation with words long before I'd have to raise a fist. Plus, I do whatever it takes to stand up for my woman and make her feel safe, special, and loved.

[LBP]

Oddly enough, I don't consider myself to be the classic 'big and strong' man. I'm barely six foot. I'd classify myself as skinny. I believe it's more of a mental state than anything else. Women sometimes WANT to feel protected and when they're fond of you, and in the post-copulation glow, that's the phrase. Maybe they think it's what I want to hear? I mean, I know I can take care of myself, but I'm not a hulk by any stretch of the imagination... Bigger than the vast majority of women that I meet, and I suppose that's good enough. This probably adds to the discomfort I feel from hearing that kind of thing said.

 

lol, no doubt if there were a thread up proclaiming the superiority of muscle bound men as dating material, I'd be right in there arguing like a mad fool...

[dragon lady]

I don't see why people would give you * * * * for that, it's your personal preference

 

Like I said, I feel the opposite, and I would tend to avoid the kind of men you like because I want someone who can look after me, whereas I feel guys who are more feminine shaped than I am just bring out my maternal side rather than my attraction.

 

But, I guess a lot of your feelings would be linked to your abuse? I'd imagine it's completely natural to develop a disliking for the kind of physical type that will remind you of something traumatic.

 

You'd be surprised. Things got quite heated during the last discussion I had on this. I guess some guys just couldn't accept the reason behind my preference. I'm just not interested in someone who can look after me. I can look after myself. But yes, I think my experiences have definitely shaped my preferences. I used to like buff guys and that's what got me into that mess in the first place.

[LBP]

.... there needs to be more girls like you around here.

 

Anyhow, I've found that being a skinny guy has its ups and downs. No matter how good of shape I'm in, I can look really cut, but I'll never be "buff" and have huge muscles. This, in turn, helps and hurts when trying to date.

 

Most women want someone that can be intimidating and/or protect them should the need arise. I can handle my own if I had to, but a lot of women see my frame, think I'm weak, and that's it. Some women, though, give me a chance, and realize that 99% of the time, I can defuse a situation with words long before I'd have to raise a fist. Plus, I do whatever it takes to stand up for my woman and make her feel safe, special, and loved.

 

I agree. I also think that if you have sufficient game, it doesn't matter a tinkers damn so long as you don't look disfigured or something like that.

 

That said, there was a disturbing story in my city just the other day... A woman was out with her boyfriend and claimed that a few drunks were giving her the look. She ordered her BF to go and confront them. Slender fellow felt that the best course of action was to walk away, but she became loud and demanding (she was also drunk) and he felt he had to oblige her request. The men, who were of the rugby/football type, crushed his head against the pavement. Died on the spot.

 

If she'd been dating bat man, things would have gone a bit differently! how's that for a tangent? I think I would have shown a bit more discretion than the guy in question... And certainly wouldn't date the sort of girl who'd demand I go start arguments with drunken louts.

[dragon lady]

Oddly enough, I don't consider myself to be the classic 'big and strong' man. I'm barely six foot. I'd classify myself as skinny. I believe it's more of a mental state than anything else. Women sometimes WANT to feel protected and when they're fond of you, and in the post-copulation glow, that's the phrase. Maybe they think it's what I want to hear? I mean, I know I can take care of myself, but I'm not a hulk by any stretch of the imagination... Bigger than the vast majority of women that I meet, and I suppose that's good enough. This probably adds to the discomfort I feel from hearing that kind of thing said.

 

lol, no doubt if there were a thread up proclaiming the superiority of muscle bound men as dating material, I'd be right in there posting like a mad fool...

 

I'd take it as a compliment. After sex is a vulnerable moment and she probably enjoys you wrapping your arms around her. I don't think it means she has daddy issues.

[g84]

I think that a lot of people can feel naturally vulnerable when they are intimate with someone, so feeling safe and comfortable is a nice/important feeling. If a girl says this to you, it doesn't mean that she's associating you with her father or something lol. Try to see it in a positive way..because that's how it is meant to come accross, i'm sure of that

[LBP]

I think that a lot of people can feel naturally vulnerable when they are intimate with someone, so feeling safe and comfortable is a nice/important feeling. If a girl says this to you, it doesn't mean that she's associating you as with her father or something lol. Try to see it in a positive way..because that's how it is meant to come accross, i'm sure of that

 

The one that stuck in my head was a girl who said, 'I feel so little and protected.' It was the word little that threw me. Like I was cupping a baby bird between my palms...

 

Yeah, I should just get over myself...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oddly enough, I don't consider myself to be the classic 'big and strong' man. I'm barely six foot. I'd classify myself as skinny. I believe it's more of a mental state than anything else. Women sometimes WANT to feel protected and when they're fond of you, and in the post-copulation glow, that's the phrase. Maybe they think it's what I want to hear? I mean, I know I can take care of myself, but I'm not a hulk by any stretch of the imagination... Bigger than the vast majority of women that I meet, and I suppose that's good enough. This probably adds to the discomfort I feel from hearing that kind of thing said.

 

lol, no doubt if there were a thread up proclaiming the superiority of muscle bound men as dating material, I'd be right in there arguing like a mad fool...

 

 

Perhaps now that smoking a cigarette after sex is no longer in fashion, the simpering "Oh, you make me feel so safe and protected" is now the post sex cliché! I am annoyed for my gender if women actually say stuff like that.

[HouseKitten]

Perhaps now that smoking a cigarette after sex is no longer in fashion, the simpering "Oh, you make me feel so safe and protected" is now the post sex cliché! I am annoyed for my gender if women actually say stuff like that.

 

Is it okay just to think it?

[Elsewhere]

For me feeling safe is not about guy being stronger or protective, but about the feeling that he cares about me. A girl cannot feel save with her one night stand no matter how big or tender he is because she knows he knows nothing about her and may be gone by tomorrow.

 

I must say that I'm ashamed to say such thing to my guy "I feel so safe with you" - meaning what? that I don't feel safe without him?!

 

but now as I'm single I do feel unsafe - well maybe unsecure in a sense that there is noone who cares about me enough to go out of his way for me if I need it and friends don't matter here cause they'll do anything if I ask them, that'll be a favor - I want a guy to do things for me for his own peace of mind, hmmmm not sure if I'm explaining it right

 

what I mean is that he cares enough not to hurt me and knowing that makes me feel safe with him

[JeckyllNHyde]

It's not a daddy thing, it's a protector thing. I like to feel like the guy I'm with is strong and can take care of me. Whether I need it or not, psychologically sometimes I grow tired of feeling like it's me against the world and I want to feel like someone is there if I faltered.

 

It may also be somewhat instinctive, possibly

 

I couldn't have put it better. And maybe you're over thinking it.

 

When I was younger (or before my bf) I dated skinny guys who where my height. And it felt good. I liked being able to hug them and be "equal" (almost) to them in height and bodymass.

 

My current bf is bigger (in height and body mass) and his character is also that of a protector - so it's not just the fact that he is big. I like knowing I can count on him which makes me feel protected. What's wrong with that? Lol.

 

I wouldn't do the things I do with him to my dad..

 

 

I agree with the above poster though lol. I don't think I'd say it out loud to my bf (or any bf). I usually just say something like "I love it when you hug me tight."

[Miss Firecracker]

I would never say that and think I understand why you feel turned off by it. I have to protect my husband, he is my little baby bird. lol

[itsallgrand]

I know you aren't the only one to ever feel this way or think this.

 

With the first man I ever fell in love with, we had a discussion along this lines. Something I said and did along this train of thought "you make me feel so safe" and also a physical "shrinking" of my body as he held me. And he commented on how it somewhat concerned him, and that he wasn't fond of it. We talked about it quite a bit.

 

After that night, it's not something I've ever felt a need to say or to think. For me, that moment was a big one - it filled a real need for me, it was my real chance to be the vulnerable and tiny person that I was carrying inside.

 

I'm certainly not implying that my experience is why other women say it - or that it's the same for everyone - but I can understand how it could be a turn-off and bring to mind ideas about being a daddy and the protector and the rest.

 

The reality is that many young girls and women suffer some abuse - often at an early age. The reality is the first time a lot of these people truly do get a chance to "let it all out and feel completely safe" for the first time (maybe ever, or maybe again) is with a lover, bf, or husband.

 

Sex in the context of caring can be healing. As much as it can go the other way and be damaging; it can be a place to heal.

 

So I guess I'm saying that even though I can understand why it may disturb you, and why you may take it as a cue that someone isn't totally "whole" on their own (I think sometimes that is more right than most of us want to admit), still it can be something positive.

 

Ok, here come people to counter..lol...but that's ok. Not claiming to know everything, this is just my personal perspective on it.

[misspaf]

I think it when I'm with them. I don't say it like that though. I usually say, "this feels right, and it does. When we're lying down and my head is rest under his arm and on his chest slightly and my arm hugging his body while he holds me is just the most amazing feeling. For me, it's a sense of closeness, the feeling of content, a feeling that someone is holding you as if to say, don't worry.

 

Do men not think like this? Hmmm... maybe when I'm with my SO again we'll reverse the positions.... heehee

[laboheme]

I don't think I've ever been guilty of telling a guy how safe I feel with him, but I have certainly thought it...basically every time.

 

You say that women in the 21st century shouldn't have that mentality, but I think that it's precisely because I'm a 21st century woman that I think that way. I know I've got a lot going for me: I'm smart, am attending a great law school, have great future prospects, etc. etc...and I'm independent almost to a fault. Being a strong modern woman makes me feel almost masculine (some of my coworkers have even referred to me as "emasculating" on occasion!). So, being with a guy who could protect me -- in theory, because I would never ask anyone to fight on my behalf -- is basically the only thing that makes me feel feminine.

 

Maybe that's just me, though.