URGENT - Florida girl has come here again

[grymoire]

Ego-stroker perhaps?

 

might be KG... its hard to figure out these things you know.

[COtuner]

Thanks cat_lady. I have always wondered about it. I mean, why would you reject a guy and then get jealous if some other woman wants him? And is it just jealousy or do you really like/want him?

 

I'd write off a guy that did that as "taken"

[cat_lady]

I am hands-down against the manipulative approach.

 

I would not do that to someone I wanted to date, and I would not want it done to me. In fact, I'd be pretty turned off from someone FOR GOOD if that went down.

 

First of all, it's not a wise policy because well, it's just dishonest. And dishonesty is a red flag.

 

Second, I want someone to like me because they see something in me, not because others see something in me (or worse yet, have made a phony show of it). Why would I want a go-between to show someone I'm worth a shot?

 

I actually disagree because you are a mature female who's 40, has had a lot of life experience, probably more that several relationships and generally know what you want and who you are and are grounded and realize what you want in a man.

 

This girl sounds like she's someone in her 20's, slightly confused about what she wants and hopping around until she settles down on something or someone settles her down. Her mind, at this point, isn't going to listen to reason or make good decisions. Its going to act on what she finds attractive or fun at the moment. And the best way for him to get this girl is to make himself seem as fun or attractive as possible when he sees her. And social proof helps a lot in that area.

[grymoire]

This girl sounds like she's someone in her 20's, slightly confused about what she wants and hopping around until she settles down on something or someone settles her down. Her mind, at this point, isn't going to listen to reason or make good decisions. Its going to act on what she finds attractive or fun at the moment. And the best way for him to get this girl is to make himself seem as fun or attractive as possible when he sees her. And social proof helps a lot in that area.

 

cat, I am 33 and she is 30.

 

why do you say she is slightly confused?

[tiredofvampires]

It doesn't really matter. Attraction is a continuous process and as long as a person is confused, you have a window to build attraction.

 

Even if she's just jealous, at least she's somewhat receptive and you have a better shot of showing that you're a great guy than if she's dead set against the idea.

 

If she's jealous, her interest is a false one. It's based on insecurity and feeling she's missing out on something -- but doesn't even know what it is (think about that.)

 

If you hang out with a person, you have plenty window enough to build attraction.

 

If I can't build someone's interest in me by myself, I'd be pretty loathe to get a hired gun to do it for me.

[cat_lady]

If she's jealous, her interest is a false one. It's based on insecurity and feeling she's missing out on something -- but doesn't even know what it is (think about that.)

 

If you hang out with a person, you have plenty window enough to build attraction.

 

If I can't build someone's interest in me by myself, I'd be pretty loathe to get a hired gun to do it for me.

 

Yes but if you immediately write someone off b/c they are not attractive enough, not rich enough, smart, funny, whatever - as many girls do - especially younger girls, you can be the most wonderful guy in the world and she's not going to pay attention. Jealousy often works b/c it makes a person think - well, I dont find him attractive but other girls do.. why? And then you are forced to reconsider that person again and this time, maybe they won't be as bad. I mean that attraction and attractiveness is such a social phenomenon and what we think is very much influenced by other people.

[KG]

might be KG... its hard to figure out these things you know.

 

Gry,

Then tread softly.....

[grymoire]

3:26 AM She: hi... i might be in CA this weekend

 

Me: oh nice.. visiting your cousins again?

 

She: hi...yea...cousin from houston is coming out there too so i decided to tag along.. : )

 

Me: cool... when are you flying in? i would love to take you out for dinner if you are available... let me know.

 

She: flying in thurs eve at 9 20...flying home mon am at 6...

 

that is sweet....ty, but not sure of plans yet...

 

not even sure i am def coming yet... have tix but might cancel trip....still debating...

 

Me: oh ok... if you do come here let me know and i will take you out

 

She: hmmm...do you think that is a good idea?... you know my feelings right? i dont want to you to think I have changed my mind if i say yes....

 

Me: yea i am not making any assumptions... i just thought that we could meet since you are coming here...

 

She: ok...i will let you know my plans when i figure them out and keep you posted...

 

Me: cool... sounds good.

 

Me: hey any updates? are you still visiting here?

 

She: I am. Just changed my flights though. Coming in tonight at 12:20 and still leaving Monday morning at 7 am. Not sure of plans though.

 

Sorry did not follow up w u. Been crazy here.

 

Me: no worries.... have a safe trip

 

She: Thx

 

She: Hey. I might be free on Sunday. Not sure yet. What are your plans?

[KG]

^^^Gry,

Sounds like she's being casual/friendly. She stated upfront about expectations, and it's an LDR at best. Just go as friends, exopect nothing, and don't be disappointed.

I think she likes you, but expects no more. Nor should you...my 2 c's anyways.

[tiredofvampires]

Yes but if you immediately write someone off b/c they are not attractive enough, not rich enough, smart, funny, whatever - as many girls do - especially younger girls, you can be the most wonderful guy in the world and she's not going to pay attention. Jealousy often works b/c it makes a person think - well, I dont find him attractive but other girls do.. why? And then you are forced to reconsider that person again and this time, maybe they won't be as bad. I mean that attraction and attractiveness is such a social phenomenon and what we think is very much influenced by other people.

 

Well, I just don't think a fly-by-night flirt from some other woman is going to have any staying power in a woman's continuing assessment of a man. He has to stand on his own merits, and something so fleeting is not going to sustain any sort of intrigue, even.

 

My ex actually pulled the reverse of this very early in our relationship -- very cleverly, he expressed how desired he was by another woman and how easily he could move in her direction. This made me feel like I had to hurry up and snatch him up in a jiffy, and that was a fatal mistake. I betrayed my own need for caution and moving slowly into a relationship. He got exactly the effect he wanted -- me being a little more desperate than I thought I was capable of being.

 

And the end result was my seeing him for the manipulating person he was, which spoke volumes against his character that no charm or other good qualities could make up for. Big price to pay for winning my favor at the courtship phase, don't you think?

 

Thank you very much for your other complimentary remarks about my maturity. One thing I have learned in my 20 years or so of dating is that manipulation is poison -- if you're not paying now, you'll pay later for a devious maneuver either done by you or to you (which you've fallen for).

[grymoire]

^^^Gry,

Sounds like she's being casual/friendly. She stated upfront about expectations, and it's an LDR at best. Just go as friends, exopect nothing, and don't be disappointed.

I think she likes you, but expects no more. Nor should you...my 2 c's anyways.

 

I for a very long time have trouble understanding this sentence -> "She likes you. But she is not interested" or something along the lines

[grymoire]

I find this surprising TOV. Women follow the "rules" more so than men. They play the "hard to get" game so much and are never direct.

[tiredofvampires]

Yeah. My ex was a Master, with a capital M. He was the kind of man who could charm you out of your own money, and make you think you'd just done yourself a favor (an actual story he told me, since he was an ex gambling addict.)

 

But outside of professional quality manipulators, (to which I thought I would be immune), I've seen a lot of men play by the "rules" too.

 

I don't recommend the "rules", grym.

[tiredofvampires]

I will add that from that convo you posted, I sense a tinge of reluctance on her part.

 

If anything, I would suggest you play "hard to get" by not kissing her -- back to my original advice. I know, I've just contradicted myself. Lol. Not kissing her is quite a bit more on the up-and-up, it's just not acting pushy.

[KG]

Yeah. My ex was a Master, with a capital M. He was the kind of man who could charm you out of your own money, and make you think you'd just done yourself a favor (an actual story he told me, since he was an ex gambling addict.)

 

But outside of professional quality manipulators, (to which I thought I would be immune), I've seen a lot of men play by the "rules" too.

 

I don't recommend the "rules", grym.

 

TOV,

I'm sorry someone did that to you. You deserve so much better.

[tiredofvampires]

TOV,

I'm sorry someone did that to you. You deserve so much better.

 

Thank you, KG. It was pretty awful. I learned more in that one relationship about what one human being could do to another than all my other relationships added up.

 

Thanks for the kind words, again.

[hers]

Ok I'm all caught up on this thread.

 

Gry, DON'T do the game thing where you have someone falsly flirting with you or calling you. That's the biggest joke (no offense, cat_lady, but as a woman in her mid 20s, I can say that if a guy answered a call from another girl, whether it's a lie or not, when he was with me, I'd write him off soooo fast. That's such a crock of a rule).

 

Gry, don't play games or go by "rules". Some women play them but the smart and secure ones don't. If she gets jealous or rethinks if she should like a guy b/c someone else may like him, she has low self-esteem or is feeling competeitive. Either way, her feelings won't be genuine with that approach.

Now, as far as going out with her, kissing her, whatever, take it naturally. If she's flirting with you, lightly touching you, whatever, sure, go in for a kiss later. What have you to lose? She lives accross the country. It won't kill you if she doesn't reciprocate.

 

I find nothing wrong in going out with her again when she comes in even if it's just as friends. I love visitng people in towns I visit. Whther I'm interested in them or not. Go and enjoy the companionship on that day. Everything else, go with the flow.

 

I think it's good she made it clear her intentions--that she's not interested in a relationship. Good for her. Shows she's not interested in playing games and leading you on. Therefore, for the love of god, don't play games with her.

 

Keep us posted.

[KG]

Thank you, KG. It was pretty awful. I learned more in that one relationship about what one human being could do to another than all my other relationships added up.

 

Thanks for the kind words, again.

 

I won't hijack Gry's thread, but that is one @ss of a human being!

[tiredofvampires]

I won't hijack Gry's thread, but that is one @ss of a human being!

 

Aww, I appreciate your support...yeah. I fell pretty hard, but he was very "talented".

 

Okay, I'll stop hijacking, too. Thanks, though.

[grymoire]

Yea, I am not planning on playing any games. I only want to meet her and if possible kiss her. If she is not okay with it I will stop right there. I would wonder though why she would tell that she is visiting here.

[penelope13]

Gry, I don't think there is anything wrong with you meeting up with her, but I would not expect anything from her in the romantic sense (including kissing). She was very honest, which is great!

 

As to why she might have agreed to spend time with you albeit not having any romantic interests, there are some people (I am one of them), who see people just as people and not only let them be defined by their gender.

[hers]

Gry, I don't think there is anything wrong with you meeting up with her, but I would not expect anything from her in the romantic sense (including kissing). She was very honest, which is great!

 

As to why she might have agreed to spend time with you albeit not having any romantic interests, there are some people (I am one of them), who see people just as people and not only let them be defined by their gender.

 

Exactly what she said...

[cat_lady]

You'd be surprised how well social proof can work. When I was younger, it worked like a charm on me. Yes, not all of those were the best guys but if he has honest intentions and is not leading anyone on, then it doesn't matter. Of course, its not a way to build up a LTR, but that's really not a possibility at this point. He just wants so see her and present a good side and maybe get to make out with her.

 

All I'm suggesting is that if he wants the possibility of increasing his chances of kissing her in a very short period of time, it would help if he wore to present himself as being more attractive to other women (I know nothing about you gry - and am not saying you are or are not). Especially if I thought a guy was in demand and he was taking the time out to pay special attention to me, I'd be very flattered. Of course, other qualities would matter to but I'd be more open and receptive to seeing those qualities as well then if I wasn't thinking in the back of my head - well, I dont want to send him the wrong message or what if I do it and he becomes clinggy and then I feel bad for leading him on and so on.

 

Maybe what I suggested was a little much, but I still think the principle applies here.

[hers]

I think he could accomplish the making out stuff just as well with honesty. She was up front with him, so he should give her that. He could just as easily say "look I'm attracted to you and you're only in town a day. I'd really like to kiss you" instead of playing a lottery by stupidly playing a game that works on girls with low self-esteem.

[cat_lady]

I think he could accomplish the making out stuff just as well with honesty. She was up front with him, so he should give her that. He could just as easily say "look I'm attracted to you and you're only in town a day. I'd really like to kiss you" instead of playing a lottery by stupidly playing a game that works on girls with low self-esteem.

 

I guess it depends on the girl.

 

But after everything she's told him, if that were me, my first thought would be - well, I already told him that I'm not interested in anything more than once, and he confirmed but obviously he doesn't get it and why is he so desperate to make out with me when I told him there is no possibility - calm down boy.

 

But everyone is different and I'm just giving advice on how I would react.