Great relationship. Big age difference. Advice please.

[Blanko500]

Hi all.

I am a 50 year old man, who has just had a 3 month relationship with a 27 year old woman.

We hit it off straight away and have enjoyed the most fantastic three months together.

We have had numerous weekends away in romantic venues and romantic evenings etc. You now what I mean.

Well from day one, we both knew each other's age. She said she was OK with me because I looked after myself and only looked about 40.

Then, out of the blue, she tells me that she can no longer have this relationship, as I am the same age as her father.

I was OK with that, and agreed that it had been fantastic, but respected her wishes.

However, she still wants to see me as a friend and continue to go out, have nice cosy evenings with a takeaway and even weekends away, although she expects me to do this with the big issue of no more sex.

I have told her that, if it's over, it's over and that I can not carry on at her terms as I have obviously still got a great sexual attraction to her and a lot of emotional feelings for her.

She has even said that our sex life was the best she had ever experienced and that I deserve a 10 out of 10. LOL.

Do I walk away or continue seeing her on her terms, in the hope that she might want me back as a full on partner?

Since the split, about ten days ago, she has been in regular phone and txt contact with me and we have been out on a "friends only" basis several times.

The problem is, I can not do the friends thing, as I still have the emotional ties to her, and being out with her, without the intimacy, just screws up my head.

Believe me, I can walk away, but would like your guy's advice before making a final decision.](*,)

[huskiesfan]

Sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants. First, age is not an issue, and suddenly, you're the same age as her dad, so she can't be with you. Oh, but she still wants to spend time with you, and expects you to stick around, while she eventually goes off and flirts with and dates other guys? She sounds confused, and until she figures out what exactly she wants, you should bow out and let her be.

[top bloke]

Walk away I say. At last she fed you and youve got the memory of some great passion. I believe that after such closeness how can you be expected to keep a plutonic distance?Its impossible.

So you 2 had a great affair for 3 whole months and then she decides your too old..time to walk away my friend.She sounds very irrational...good luck

[Pressfit]

She's probably listening to too many of her other friends who are around her own age, about how much older you are than her. If it was okay then, why suddenly not now? I think there's hardly another explaination for the sudden change of heart unless she is simply unsure of exactly who she is.

 

Just speaking for myself; I'd have to let it go. I don't backup in a relationship from being friends, to lovers, and back to friends again. Because it ultimately leads me to frusturation if the physical/emotional attraction is still there.

[Blanko500]

I think you are right.

She does have quite a few friends of her age, and some more my age.

I reckon, the green eyed jealous friends are talking her out of it.

There is one of her friends, who is about 40, that I get on very well with (no, not like that).

I have mentioned it to her. She reckons that my ex has told her that I am the best partner that she has ever had, but keeps thinking of me being her Dad's age when we are intimate together.

I guess, she either accepts it, or leaves me well alone.

Still very difficult, and it hurts a lot.

[KG]

Blanko,

I couldn't separate the two emotions either, I don't think. I'd walk, with a wounded heart, rather than stay, with a wounded soul.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Are you sure you are hurt because you cared about her, or more hurt because you felt good that at your age you can have a twenty-something year old lust after you. It is okay for her to change her mind...yes, sleeping with someone old enough to be your father is strange and perhaps once the fog of lust lifted she realized that it was not what she wanted for her future and that she wants a relationship with someone closer to her own age with the same life experience. Perhaps she wants a family and wants to share that experience with someone in her own age range. There is nothing wrong with her changing her mind about sleeping with you...but I think it is unfair of her to expect friendship afterwards. It almost sounds like she wants you there as her father figure. I have to wonder how her own relationship with her father is going that she would need to have someone else as a father figure. I think it is time for you to walk away...keeping the friendship is not healthy for either of you.

[Clabs]

Hi Blanco

 

Your situation sucks and I am sorry about that - I know how much it hurts.

 

I think you are wise to not accept that downgrade in relationship status to friends only. If you still have strong feelings it will do your head in - simple as.

 

If I were you, I would walk away - take back some control.

 

As I say, I know how it hurts but this really is your best option in the long run.

 

Take care mate.

 

Mark

[rapunzel]

I agree with CAD and believe age IS an issue in this situation. She's 27, so she did the math....she imagines herself at 40 and you will be 73? What woman would want that, unless she is a gold digger or unless you are George Clooney? You certainly would not want to be with a woman 23 years older than you, why should she? She is just experimenting.

 

Passion is intoxicating but perhaps you are having a midlife crisis thinking that you can have a "real" relationship with someone this much younger. The lusting after much younger women is (as you know) very, very common in men at age 50 and I am dealing with it myself (as my ex is turning 50 and trying to meet women much younger than he), so sorry if my post comes off as less than supportive.

 

Yes, walk away. The likelihood of a real friendship with her is slim and it never works to be 'friends' with someone you have so much passion and lust for. I know that perhaps your feelings feel "real" but in the future it would probably serve you well to date women over 40 who you CAN build a real future with.

[Pressfit]

I think you are right.

She does have quite a few friends of her age, and some more my age.

I reckon, the green eyed jealous friends are talking her out of it.

There is one of her friends, who is about 40, that I get on very well with (no, not like that).

I have mentioned it to her. She reckons that my ex has told her that I am the best partner that she has ever had, but keeps thinking of me being her Dad's age when we are intimate together.

I guess, she either accepts it, or leaves me well alone.

Still very difficult, and it hurts a lot.

 

 

Yup. I know I'm right. Been there before but the age tables were turned.

Exes: Sometimes they just keep popping back up sort of like a bad rash or something. What's it any of his business anyway. Jealousy.

 

And I don't buy the starting a family thing. I know three guys at this time who have all started "new" famlies to women a good decade or more thier junior. All of them in thier 50's.

[Blanko500]

Regarding the starting a family issue.

She already has a 6 year boy, and made it quite clear to me, that she wanted no more children.

[Pressfit]

Just more evidence that points toward the obvious. But none of that matters now anyway, I still would have to let it go. Sorry to say that 'cause I know it hurts.

[Pixiedoc]

She is not being fair to you and most people here would advise you to have no contact with her as otherwise she will think you're o.k. with friendship (which you're clearly not) and your hurt will go on.

 

I'm afraid she doesn't seem very mature - yes, even for a 27 year old. My partner is 9 years older than me, in his 50's but looks 40, but at least we both have similar life experiences and it's these that we build upon when thinking of a life together.

 

I'm sure she has looked into the future and seen that this will not work - for her - long term, but wanting you to be around while she finds something she think will work is very selfish and do you really want to be her stop-gap?

 

It's difficult to leave a fresh, recent relationship as we have not gotten around to seeing all their bad points. But this particular bad point cannot be overcome - she just doesn't see a future with you.

 

Let it go and be prepared to rebuff the 'friendship' with no strings that I'm sure she'll continue to offer until you make it clear that it has to be everything or nothing.

 

Take care.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yup. I know I'm right. Been there before but the age tables were turned.

Exes: Sometimes they just keep popping back up sort of like a bad rash or something. What's it any of his business anyway. Jealousy.

 

And I don't buy the starting a family thing. I know three guys at this time who have all started "new" famlies to women a good decade or more thier junior. All of them in thier 50's.

 

Sure men do that...lots of them do..but that doesn't mean that at 55-60 years old they have the energy to chase after a toddler. Some men father children into their 60's and 70's...is it fair to the child to have a father old enough to be his/her grandfather? I don't think so.

[rapunzel]

Bottom line. She has decided you are too old for her, just as my ex decided I was too old for him (and I am two years younger than him). What can she possibly have in common with you? Seriously, other than the lust factor, these huge age gap relationships (20+ years) rarely last. They usually only last when the older man is very wealthy or very famous. And the women who go for these men have daddy-complex issues, or are very superficial about being with a powerful, rich man and/or are hoping when dude kicks off, they'll inherit a fortune.

 

I often wonder why men would risk being with a much younger woman unless they are rich or famous. Chances are the much older man will be dumped eventually.

 

And agree again with CAD. It's not fair to father children when the man is that much older.

[Mutley]

HA HA. She dumps you but still wants the benefits...i.e. vacations and get aways, et al.

 

Tell her to find another sugar daddy.

 

Get someone stable....you'll feel alot better.

[loulee]

She is not in love with you...she cares yes...but she is also likely to up and go at any given time..what can you expect.....yes i know relationships with this type, of age gap can be very successful....but I also recognise from your post that this IS NOT one of them..you are fearing losing her becasue you cant quite believe what you have had these last few months...look at is a wonderful affair and move on.....she clearly is not in this for the long haul and has expressed as much with her actions..you are to vunerable to the whims of a young beautiful women..the longer it lingers the more YOU will suffer.....have a good think about this one afterall you have had far more life experience...do not allow lust to cloud your basic common sense

[Blanko500]

Thanks for the replies.

Please do not confuse me with someone who ever thought that this relationship was going to end in wedding bells and roses round the doors.

From day one, we both knew each other's age. At the time, we both accepted it.

Three months down the line, it is now an issue.

That is not the problem. The problem is that she seems unable to accept that at the moment, I do not really want to be continually seeing her and still going out with her for drinks and meals.

If she still wanted to stay with the relationship, I would have given it 100%, and seen it out to the end (whenever that may have been). However, she still seems to think that we are best friends and able to continue as just that.

She may be able to do that, but I can not.

I did ask her to reconsider the relationship a few days ago, and she said she would. If she was definitely in the "no relationship" camp, I wish she would just say so.

I could close the door then, and move on.

[Mutley]

I could close the door then, and move on.

 

You can. There is nothing stopping you.

[Pixiedoc]

She is not being fair to you and most people here would advise you to have no contact with her as otherwise she will think you're o.k. with friendship (which you're clearly not) and your hurt will go on.

 

Let it go and be prepared to rebuff the 'friendship' with no strings that I'm sure she'll continue to offer until you make it clear that it has to be everything or nothing.

 

Take care.

 

So this is what you should do. Right now.

[Blanko500]

Thanks for that.

Still have not contacted her.

I received a message on my answerphone last night, basically saying that she can not understand why I am not keeping in touch with her.

She clearly has not got the message.

She even hinted that she thought I now had someone else, and that is why I am having no contact.

[Blanko500]

By mentioning the fact that she thinks I may have another partner, is she not giving out the signals, that she might just be a bit jealous, and no longer in control of this situation.

I have accepted that it is over, but still get my head screwed up by these little comments.

I will continue with the quiet treatment.

[skyblue69]

Don't listen to ANYONE who tries to make you feel bad with their self-righteous BS about you being 50 and dating a twenty-something. I know plenty of successful age-gap relationships of 20+ years, my parents being an excellent LOVING example.

 

I even saw an episode of the Suze Orman show on CNBC where a guy in his 60's was marrying an 18-year-old. Obviously they met sooner, too! This was a nationally respected financial program. And it was not a sugar daddy thing.

 

You dont have to be famous , rich, or a rock star to be in a successful LOVING age gap relationship. How f***** degrading for people to make self-righteous comments like that.

 

Jerry Seinfeld was 40 when he "dated" a 16-year-old. Demi Moore and Ashton K? Those are just some celebs. Age-gap relationships are actually becoming the fad. Some people call it "tadpoling."

 

If you're in love , and the age-of-consent in your state is 16+ (like it is Michigan) then you are a law-abiding citizen and have nothing to be ashamed of. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Only you know in your heart whats real... and from the sound of things you sound like a smart guy who "gets it."

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[loulee]

She is used to you pursuing her in the past As a younger woman she would be very aware of her 'upper hand " in this relationship and all this entails...as i would be...In relationships like these the younger partner is often the one who feels extra secure...i wonder how clearly you gave her the message if she is still questioning your lack of contact. Some firmness is needed here. you need to say what you mean clearly and with conviction not uncertainty..this relationship has not gone any real distance to create solid foundations it was still in the throes of passion and lust. yes she may be a tad jealous if she assumes your seeing someone..So what.. Im sure to date this is the last thing she would expect from a devoted older partner if this were the case..Woman who are genuinely jealous are darn right angry not curious..i think you need to step up or step out...nothing is being achieved by staying. You have 2 choices...You are either available on her terms and conditions or unavailable on your own set of standards that you have in place for yourself...What do you want 10 years from now? maybe you should focus more energy on your future happiness....I think this relationship is past its use by date....

[atelis]

i think she is manipulative. You have been honest and straight with her all along and it sounds like she wants the security blanket of someone mature and who has their s*it together. Perhaps she wants to control the relationship on her terms, but what's in it for you?

 

I think you've done the right thing. she would be finding it difficult to find a younger guy who wants to take on the responsibility of her child, so she's clinging to you because she knows you are stable, while trying to keep her options open.