want to die

[murman2]

Hello all at enotalone... I am 26, severely depressed, unstable, and addicted to pot. I recently had to file for federal bankruptcy. I've had an issue with my parents for a while and havent talked to my father in 3 years. I still talk to my mom, however I have a lot of resentment built up towards her.. This is an issue that haunts my thoughts everyday, and makes me wallow in anger and frustration throughout my life.. I've been considering suicide because of this. so I would appreciate serious responses only. thanks..

 

anyways about 3 years ago my mom kicked me out of my house. She did this because I was getting pot for me, a few friends and my dad. Im positive my dad told her about this out of retaliation for me refusing to get it for him one time because he was a total jerk about it.. so intentionally told my about this because he knew I would get kicked out.. I felt totally betrayed and I havent talked to my dad since..

 

another issue I have with my folks is that my dad was abusive towards me when I was a kid and has never acknowledged it. I really do feel that if he had tried a little bit harder to make sure he didnt scar me for life, that I would be doing a lot better today than I am. Life is soo hard for me, I cant keep a job, have no motivation and always end up with employers that scream at me. I also feel that they recognized that I had a lot of issues when i was a kid and was abnormal and they just chose to ignore it and not get me the proper care. I feel like my mom enabled my dad to abuse me in the sense she knew it was going on and knew it was wrong and that it might be harmful to me but still chose to do nothing about it..

 

anyways the anger and resentment and the feeling of "why did they do this to me" is a thought I am overwhelmed with every single day of my life. My parents are rich so I don't know why they wont help pay for counseling or send me to a good rehab so I can begin to heal.. they are also withholding $10000 inheritance money from me that my great grandfather intended to be mine. I am thinking about threatning my own life if they dont send me to rehab, and then just kill myself if they dont.. im starting to think that they really dont care about me and if they dont then i dont have to worry about hurting them when i die. I just want to be laid to rest I cant take the pain anymore i have nothing left to live for.

[RoxyGril]

Don't kill yourself cause that isn't the way to solve any of the issues...Though I am sorry for what your going through! They should give you the money that you recevied from inheritance. They can't hold that money especially if it's given to you and it's under your name. You should have the right to have that money. Why don't they help to provide you with counseling or to get into rehab for help. They should if they care about you and want what's best for you. Definitely try to quiet the smoking and try your best to help yourself get better until you are able to get help from someone as well. You did the first step by recognizing that you want to get better and you do want the help...

[murman2]

Why don't they help to provide you with counseling or to get into rehab for help. They should if they care about you and want what's best for you.

 

I agree. Unfortunately I dont think they care about me.. god I feel pathetic saying this but I feel so unloved.

[Sweet Venus]

Murman I understand you feel paralyzed but the truth is the past does not predict the future. Blaming your parents is not going to move you any further along in your life. Yes, what your dad did was wrong, but letting that determine YOUR worth or YOUR life is almost like a cop out for not doing better. Your life is up to YOU. Trite as that sounds. Any counselor would advise you of the same thing. The bottom line here is that you own your destiny and the outcome of your life starts with YOU. Have you ever heard the song "Get Over It" by the Eagles?? It's the song I like to listen to when I'm feeling sorry for myself. You just gotta "get over it" sometimes, put the past in the past, and

start anew.

[murman2]

Ya i've determined its not worth the pain anymore, my life that is. My pain is much greater than my ability to deal with it in present and im assuming the future.

[meepmeep20]

I agree. Unfortunately I dont think they care about me.. god I feel pathetic saying this but I feel so unloved.

 

have you tried talking to them. i'm sure you did. and i know how you feel about the abuse. i was also verbally abused a lot as a child by a parent. it really does scar you for life.

[murman2]

I'm sorry to hear that meep, It is really painful.. Well I have been telling my mom this stuff for the past three years and recently she acknowledged enabling my father as an abuser. I can't tell but maybe shes really caught up in an alanon philosophy that an addict has to help themselves, which might be why she wont help me get counseling etc. Which is a damn shame in my opinion.. How many more years of cheap therapy do I have to go through to make them realize its never going to work for me I need something more professional... its even more a shame that they are gonna lose me to this philosophy that they think is gonna help me. I think its a mix of this philosophy and just not giving a * * * * about me which is pretty painful

[itsallgrand]

Well I think this is your opportunity to take your stand for yourself, your life, and your worth.

 

You are worth the effort - even if others in your life has disappointed you, have maybe not put the effort in that you needed, and maybe aren't willing to put the effort in now.

 

There are people in this world who can amaze you. There are people who have walked where you are now. There are people who have gotten to the other side and are flourishing now. There are people out there who want and can help you if you'll go and ask for it.

 

Are there other drugs besides the pot?

 

A psychiatrist helped me to turn my life around, and it was backwards and seemed hopeless and I won't bore you with my story. But the point is: there is an option.

 

Do what you have to get the help: go to doctors, ask for referrals, go to clinics and lay it all out, if one person turns you down keep trying - -

there is something out there for you if you look hard enough

 

And this site is here whenever you need to talk too.

 

It IS up to you now. You don't have to do it all and fix it all at once, in fact you probably can't and that is ok, but you do have to take the lead in it and stop going in the wrong direction...

 

the wrong direction is thinking this is something worth ending your life over or too hard and so you'll give up: No, this is something you CAN overcome and come out the other side from.

 

tc.

[babylyssa]

For one killing yourself wont "show them a lesson" suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can check yourself into a good rehab center.

 

Look up the Meadows in Arizona, ya I know it’s in Arizona but they can help you get there I have a relative that works there. It’s an amazing place. My father killed himself and it’s the worst possible thing to make anyone go through even if you feel unloved.

My father felt like no one loved him. He had a drug problem but when he left it was incredible how many people loved him.

[Jetta]

I filed bankruptcy myself, it's not the end of the world. I was able to get a regular credit card with a minimum balanace but it's a regular credit card. A credit union just sent me an approved card for 10K, I didn't take it.

 

I don't do drugs but I have a mental illness so I may as well be a drug addict according to the court system who took my kids. Suicidal, yeah I've been there. Mentally stable I have been for a while, probably because the stressfulness of being a single parent is behind me. Anyway I'm going try to tell you to forgive your mom for sure, it'd be great if you could forgive your dad too.

 

Killing yourself definitely isn't the answer. There is life after bankruptcy, it just requires you to have a co-signer so you'll need your mom for that. Although I didn't need a cosigner to get the credit card, just for buying things like cars, renting apartments, that sort of thing.

 

Good luck, there is hope.

[murman2]

thanks guys for your words of hope. I will try to stick it out.. Its tough because I have a mental illness but using pot is how I deal with it.. I guess it's referred to as "dual diagnosis".. I dont know too much about other people with the same problem though. I drink every so often but try to stay away from it because it makes me really depressed.

[thejigsup]

Please stay away from pot. It never did anyone any good and it hasn't done anything good for your life, has it? I had a childhood where I was abused, but I'm doing okay, good really. I just made up my mind one day that my dad was not going to control my thoughts or my life anymore, and he hasn't. Get mad, not sad, and see what happens! Good luck to you, my friend.

[murman2]

I have been smoking pot since I was 16... I quit for 2 years before but lifes circumstances were different, I didnt have to hold down a full time job and worry about bills before. I dont know how to explain it but when i'm about to have a nervous breakdown or do something irrational like cut myself (which happens frequently) smoking pot is the only thing that calms me down and helps me look at things from a more relaxed perspective. Also I am a lot less compulsive when I smoke pot. Anyways since then i've tried on multiple occasions to stop doing it but I always relapse after a couple days... If you read the post I am trying to seek a good rehab.

 

oh and Jig, the way this whole situation makes me feel is total overwhelming rage, not sad. Rage that makes me want to destroy and hurt others and myself. This rage doesnt go away and if i dont smoke pot it comes back. Rage and compulsive behavior is very scary and I fear that it might cause me to get in trouble someday..

 

Its really hard to just block out thoughts with my dad because its sort of recent that I became mad at him for all the bad things he did to me so it all came at once. I thought I had a good relationship with him until he started being abusive again.. I was destroyed to see that he was still the same jerk that abused me as a kid and didnt change as i thought he did

[RoxyGril]

have you tried talking to them. i'm sure you did. and i know how you feel about the abuse. i was also verbally abused a lot as a child by a parent. it really does scar you for life.

 

 

^^agree which I have a similar situation...

 

 

I have been verbally abused from my mom until I couldn't take it anymore because it felt as if she was pushing me away and it was causing a lot of stress upon me. I moved out about 4 months ago and my mom still trys to verbally abuse me but it does hurt because it does scar you. I have made decisions that were best for me and the right thing to do. My mom would totally just disapprove of what I was doing and say negative things about it.

 

But, you just got to keep moving forward in your life and do what's better for yourself. What they are doing is only hurting you and you don't need the hurt anymore. Do what's best for you and do all the right things to become better...It may take time to accept the fact that there is a possibility that they maynot change or they may change. You never know but you got to work on yourself. You can't change them cause they are the ones that need to recognize their issues....