alyssa56 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I am miserable and fragile and just want to give up on everything. Someone, please listen to me. I'm in a relationship with a 41 year old jobless alcoholic who told me last week not to come to his party because his friends hate me and would leave if I showed up. His friends hate me and I have very few of my own. I wouldn't care if these people didn't like me normally --one is my ex, one is a girl I stopped hanging out with because she was deceitful, one is a girl who thinks I dress too provocatively and doesn't like the way her boyfriend looks at me, one is a drunken old dominatrix who thinks that I'm no fun. But it's an issue because these are my boyfriend's friends and he takes it out on me when they don't want to come over because I'm there. I was abandoned by my father when I was 9 years old (I'm 27 now), after he tried to kill himself. He moved away and I've had very limited contact with him ever since. Unfortunately, he is the better of my two parents. When my dad left, he left my sister and I alone with my abusive, neglectful, crazy mother. We were completely isolated with her for many years. I watched her destroy my sister emotionally. I developed suicidal tendencies and extreme anxiety. A year ago I stopped talking to her completely and it was a good decision. I can't establish respect with this man that I am dating now. I've forgiven him for intolerable things: throwing me around, his insults, his drinking, his sometimes delusional thinking. Yet, when I separate from him I feel like I'm dying. Or that I want to die. After the party incident (with all the people who hate me), I kept away from him for two days. For 48 hours I felt tingling pain throughout my body, foggy mind, lack of purpose, cutting pain through my chest. I hung out with friends to distract myself--it didn't help at all. By the end of the second day I resorted to drinking beer and smoking. I started to break down. Then he came over and even though we didn't resolve the issue of his disrespect towards me, he told me how much he loves me and I felt calm again. I feel like I live only for that feeling, the one I get when I feel loved and payed attention to. It may sound pathetic, but it's honest. I don't want it to be this way, but I can't change the fact that nothing else in the world means a damn to me. All my goals and dreams crumble in the wake of my codependency. I work as a teacher. I help people. I try to inspire them. I have a facade I use that is intelligent and creative and charismatic--but underneath I am just a lonely little girl who wonders why people don't like her, at least enough to stop hurting her over and over. God had given me up. I haven't had a relationship with god since I was a teenager pleading for the abuse to stop. I've tried to reconnect with god but there is no faith left in me that is not purely intellectual. I feel broken in a way I don't believe can be fixed. My neediness. The void of love and safety. I've never tried heroin, but I imagine that the feeling I got from my boyfriend coming over and being tender last night is close to that euphoria. Later that night, of course, his mood changed and he left me, crying. If you respond to my post, please don't reward my honesty with insults or tough love. I already know "the way it is" and it doesn't change a thing. I still feel like I want my life to end. So please, I'm very fragile and little things can send me into even deeper levels of abysmal depression, so I ask that you be gentle. Please please, someone be there for me who's not a jerk. I'm so alone and I don't love myself. I know I'm going to go back to him because it is easier than suicide. I can't stop myself. Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Are you receiving any type of therapy? With everything you've been thru you deserve to get some help. There's nothing I can tell you that will change your situation. You have to find some self love first before you will be able to make the changes you need. First off, let me tell you this, you deserve to be loved and cherished. Even if you don't believe it yourself, it is the truth. I promise! Link to comment
alyssa56 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 I'm going to a CODA (Codependents Anonymous) group in 5 1/2 more hours. Link to comment
Platow45 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Alyssa, You NEED to hang in there. And you NEED to distance yourself from this person. You deserve SO much more and such better treatment. Stay away from booze and the drugs. One day at a time. You realize you have your issues (we all do)and you're working on them. Keep going to the meetings. No one should be treated in such a way and it can suck the life out of you. Keep posting, people will respond and hopefully inspire you to hang in there. Be good. Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Keep going to the meetings but you might also want to add some private therapy intot the mix. That way the attention is solely on you. Link to comment
ratgirl77 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I agree with rivercitystein. You should consider giving one on one therapy a try. I can kind of relate to what you're going through. I've had issues with wanting to feel loved, and feeling like nobody does, or ever will. Counseling has helped me. Another thing that I think helps, is to try to immerse yourself in something positive that you really like and enjoy doing. For me it is yoga. Whenever I am going through a hard time, I concentrate on my yoga practice. It helps me to feel better both mentally and physically. I'm not saying it's a cure, but it helps ease the pain. Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 And remember, baby steps. Nothing is going to change overnight! Link to comment
alyssa56 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 I don't enjoy ANYTHING when my relationship is not going well. And I tried one-on-one counseling. I've been seeing therapists for ten years or so. The last one I went to for a year and a half or so, but she triggered my abandonment issues and didn't work through them with me. I felt betrayed and the whole thing ended up being a waste of time and money. The one before that said nothing during the sessions then collected my check. The one before that lied and tricked me. The one before silently let me sob for an entire hour then berated me for it. Plus, I can no longer afford to see a psychotherapist. I've been considering asking for a counselor-in-training at one of the colleges near by, but the thought of going back to one of those mortals is not inspiring. Link to comment
alyssa56 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 I'm too broken even for professionals. Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Check for centers that base their fee on your income. It sounds like you got the short end of the straw in the past, but don't give up. Do some research on them. Ask questions. If you go to one and you don't feel comfortable with them, then move on to someone else. Let them know your past experiences you've had so they don't make the same mistakes. Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I don't enjoy ANYTHING when my relationship is not going well. And I tried one-on-one counseling. I've been seeing therapists for ten years or so. The last one I went to for a year and a half or so, but she triggered my abandonment issues and didn't work through them with me. I felt betrayed and the whole thing ended up being a waste of time and money. The one before that said nothing during the sessions then collected my check. The one before that lied and tricked me. The one before silently let me sob for an entire hour then berated me for it. Plus, I can no longer afford to see a psychotherapist. I've been considering asking for a counselor-in-training at one of the colleges near by, but the thought of going back to one of those mortals is not inspiring. You're kidding that's terrible, they should be struck off! You already seem to know where you are and why you are there. This probably would take so-called therapists about a year to get there I know where you are coming from (useless family and trying to create one of my own ever since I was 17 without much success due to varying circumstances). Advice? Assume a 'role' of coping, similar to the one you have to utilise at work. The basic argument is 'he didn't deserve me' and it seems he (and his rather weird friends) definitely didn't. You seem a thoroughly decent person, who has managed to get through education in the face of experiences most people could not after what you've been through. Use some of this strength to explore how you can cope BY YOURSELF until you can go through the first stage of the healing process. Co-dependency is tricky - and destructive - as I'm sure you know - but others who have replied are right in their advice..it has to be one day at a time. But know you deserve much more than this, and there ARE people out there who will respect, value, love and care for you. You just need time and distance to heal and salvage the person you can be. With heartfelt wishes. Link to comment
alyssa56 Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 Yes, I am going through withdrawal. Our lives are so enmeshed in one anothers. We spent so much time together. He says that he loves me more than anyone he's ever been with, and that I've given him more pain than any of the others as well, though I haven't ever done it intentionally. Link to comment
Lush Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 You sounds A LOT like me. If you figure something out please let me know! Link to comment
ratfreak Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Despite your childhood issues, I'm sure there is NOTHING wrong with you. If he's an alcoholic, he will blame things on you that have nothing to do with you! Having alcoholics in my family I have seen a good woman destroyed by her husband not only emotionally but physically. DO NOT turn to drinking or drugs yourself. It's not going to help in the end even if it provides temporary improvment. I know how it feels to have your world come apart because you miss the guy. It just happened to me and it's been a horrible month of nightmares, no sleep and simple missing him. I keep on thinking oh what's wrong with me but I know all the issues were his and not mine. I just went out with someone I met a few months ago and even though I'm sure we're only going to remain friends, it made me feel so much better. There are people out there who will love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! As for therapy, if you don't like the person/doctor you're seeing, just say that it's not working for you and try the next one on your list. Hang in there and don't look back. Link to comment
brokenstar Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Hi Alyssa56! Hmm.. how should i start.. First of all, you are not alone in going through tough times! so please use this as some sort of comfort for yourself. After reading your thread, i feel i could relate. My problem was different from yours though but the feelings of what we went through was quite similar so i totally understand you!! It was only him that could calm my feelings.. going out with friends won't even distract me at all from thinking about him.. everything was about him.. my happiness was from him.. i loved him more than myself.. then when we broke up (6 year relationship).. it felt like everything was gone. i felt lifeless, didn't love myself and i even had suicidal thoughts.. at the same time, i knew this wasn't what i wanted to go through. i don't want to be a hopeless person! i'm sure you don't want to feel down as well, and that's why you've came here for help. (excuse my poor writing skills) ok i'll get to the point now. i just want to share how i got over the hardest stage from feeling suicidal and zero self love to caring about myself, focusing on myself, accepting things and moving on. i really hope this would be some sort of help in your situation. during the most painful and hardest times, all i can think of was: "i don't wanna be in this situation anymore". but at the same time everything felt impossible to be better. no one could comfort me.. friends advice didn't sink into me.. my mind was always on him.. but reading things from this forum was my only source of comfort.. (and you've came to the right place) start by believing that you can be happy without him. even if your not. i think the key for me was believing in myself. then i realized that i always gave into my emotions and that took the life outta me. so because i started believing in myself that one day things will work out. i decided to take a different approach on seeing things. instead of using my heart to feel the sadness and pain.. i forced myself to think logically and pretend i'm looking at my situation in a 3rd person point of view. and from that, i could analyse things in a logical manner.. then gave myself those instructions as to what my next steps are in order to love myself and accept what's already happened.. and so i started neglecting how my heart feels (the lost and pain) and start using my logical side.. it really helps me improve myself and made me smile because i've achieved something for myself, so i had just helped myself! did you know with every down side there is a good side? i then saw that this negative experience had helped me create an important learning experience which made me a stronger person and would handle negative situations better in the future. all this was within a month ago. hope my mini story had been some sorta help for you. because before you know it, your moving on! just believe in yourself first!!!! i believe you can do it! oh sometimes taking a break from everything would help. go on a short holiday alone if u have to and do some self reflecting.. or do things to improve yourself e.g exercise.. walk in parks.. stop drinking/smoking.. it will make u feel a more positive in the long term! i really hope the day you'll feel happy would come soon.. just remember like everything else.. it's always very very hard at the start and feels impossible.. just don't give up on trying for yourself! GOOD LUCK!! Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 There are people out there who will love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! . This is so true! The person who's fault it is NOT usually blames themselves, how ironic!! None of us are perfect but we are who we are and I agree it doesn't seem like you have done anything wrong. It sounds like your ex has a lot of growing up to do as well as drying out. How are you feeling now? Link to comment
chocolates Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 this is probably the most helpful thing i have read in a long time Link to comment
alyssa56 Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies and for helping me through this difficult time. alyssa Link to comment
25thfloor Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I'm so very sorry your live has become so confusing. one thing that i will always remember....men that abuse drugs and alcohol, are not present to be in a relationship. it takes a whole human being to engage in a relationship with someone else. Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I'm so very sorry your live has become so confusing. one thing that i will always remember....men that abuse drugs and alcohol, are not present to be in a relationship. it takes a whole human being to engage in a relationship with someone else. This is SO true...and applies to women as well. There are many posts on this site in which people have made decisions/have had decisions made about them on the basis of alcohol/drugs, none constructive. Judgement is coloured and personalitites changed. There are potentially so many people out there who are wanting to give their love/respect to someone decent, but this has to be done with a clear head. Good luck. Link to comment
25thfloor Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 This is SO true...and applies to women as well. There are many posts on this site in which people have made decisions/have had decisions made about them on the basis of alcohol/drugs, none constructive. Judgement is coloured and personalitites changed. There are potentially so many people out there who are wanting to give their love/respect to someone decent, but this has to be done with a clear head. Good luck. oh absoluetely...all humans...can you tell i was thinking of myself and my past when i wrote that? hehe. Link to comment
loulee Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Why dont you start with your doctor and gt some medication for depression and severe anxiety..You need a pyschiatrist or psychologist at the very least. You are incredibly self aware of many of your inner problems and this is a good thing. You need to try and just work on one at a time. But YOU have to put the effort in. You have to dig deep and be strong. No one can do this for you. Get some medication first , After a few weeks the right medication will lesson the pain you feel and take the edge off it so that you can cope a little better. You must know this relationship is very destructive and you can get the help you need to break this co dependancy if you cannot afford therapy then get online and buy books or research methods that can help you...Try and replace your dependancy on this man for your only source of worthiness and happiness with something else that makes you feel happy find out what these things are..only you can do this.. you need to start helping yourself more..let some medication kick in and then you will feel stronger about taking more positive steps towards a more fulfilling life...all the best to you Link to comment
The_411 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Alyssa, I can sympathesize what you are going through. I strongly suspect a reason why professionals haven't been able to help you. A lot of what you went through in your childhood is the source of your feelings. You developped cerrtain behavior patterns as auto responses which to you seem correct but in the context toward other people they come off in way which may not be socially accpetable. Since I'm not a doctor I can't diagnose you but what I would recommend is either Cogntivie Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Basically you need to unlearn your feelings of low self-esteem and self-loathing and reprogram yourself to understand your intrinsic value and how combat situations where you may feel depressed or worthless what techniques help you shake off those negative feelings and stay positive about yourself. Link to comment
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