THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[MKEC94]

Day 13 for me

 

Did I choose NC myself?

Partialy.

He set the rules of the game right after the break up by ignoring my short text and voicemail. We didn't fight and things were amicable so his coldness to me was and is hurtful. I did nothing and have done nothing to deserve his behavior.

 

I'd almost prefer breadcrumbs over total silence. At least then I would feel like he was torn or that 18 months meant something to him. It's like he closed the door and never looked back. Again, I did nothing to deserve that.

 

We had some email exchanges a couple weeks ago, initiated by me, but nothing since. I have not contacted him and do not plan to contact him until I'm ready to give all his stuff back. That may take some more time. If he contacts me before then about his stuff, I still will not do anything until I am in a better place.

 

But in all honesty, if he was reaching out to talk to me, even if he was confused, I would probably still be talking to him. I'd go slow and take my time in responding, but I would respond.

 

So he chose NC in the beginning. And I am choosing it now.

I may be grasping at straws, but at least it makes me feel that I have a little bit of control in this situation. For the most part, he has had control, and that bothers me.

 

 

How am I feeling today?

Ehhh, this is one of the yucky days. Two steps forward, one step back.

 

I am now grieving for two losses. I lost my father 3 months ago, and KC 3 weeks ago. I know I'm normal and it takes time. But sometimes I wish I could push a fast forward button!

 

I also spent some time last night posting on my thread about the reason for the break-up. It was good to get it out there, and to get input from an outsider; however it also meant I had to revisit the break-up. Good or bad, it's what I need to do to process and keep moving forward.

 

I am also a little tired today, and being tired isn't good for the emotions.

[IAmFCA]

You always have control over how you interpret a situation and how you let it affect you. Good job for grounding yourself.

[kiara17]

Day 7 of NC, I feel a little pessimistic today. Everything and everyone is bothering me and I'm just in an overall bad mood I'm hoping today just goes by quickly and is over fast. I'm tired of my emotions fluctuating so much. It's been hard to go through this knowing he's on vacation enjoying himself, seems unfair. But I'm thinking this time apart from each other is good cuz it gives us time to step back and breathe, and really think about everything. I am working a lot more than usual, but it's good money for when I go back to school. Gotta keep looking on the bright side

[IAmFCA]

It's day 9 and I have text #2 from him. Like the first, it's cheerful, closes a loop he imagines open, and does not require a response. I've deleted, not responding. I'm not interested in being his friend. His presence prevents me from being in need of anyone else. I can not pursue my future with him attached to any part of me.

[MKEC94]

Day 7 of NC, I feel a little pessimistic today. Everything and everyone is bothering me and I'm just in an overall bad mood I'm hoping today just goes by quickly and is over fast. I'm tired of my emotions fluctuating so much. It's been hard to go through this knowing he's on vacation enjoying himself, seems unfair. But I'm thinking this time apart from each other is good cuz it gives us time to step back and breathe, and really think about everything. I am working a lot more than usual, but it's good money for when I go back to school. Gotta keep looking on the bright side

Focusing on other things is good for all of us, but I know how hard it is.

 

I am doing college homework tonight and keep getting distracted by thoughts of KC, what he's up to, does he even think about me, why have I never heard from him, has he met someone new, blah blah blah, I could keep typing all night. I come here to ENA for a lift, but sometimes that isn't always a good thing either. So I try to text a friend that I know will say something supportive. It's better than stalking his FB.

 

So how am I feeling tonight? Distracted but still trying....

[MKEC94]

It's day 9 and I have text #2 from him. Like the first, it's cheerful, closes a loop he imagines open, and does not require a response. I've deleted, not responding. I'm not interested in being his friend. His presence prevents me from being in need of anyone else. I can not pursue my future with him attached to any part of me.

 

Good job on ignoring him!

 

I don't know how I'd feel if KC was texting me. Mixed feelings, I'm sure. Confused at his confusion, wanting to curse him out, and wanting to respond in a loving way. All are equally bad because it would keep me from moving forward.

[IAmFCA]

Good job on ignoring him!

 

I don't know how I'd feel if KC was texting me. Mixed feelings, I'm sure. Confused at his confusion, wanting to curse him out, and wanting to respond in a loving way. All are equally bad because it would keep me from moving forward.

 

I would not have ignored him a couple of months ago, though my ENA cheerleaders were quite ready for me to move on. It took me a couple of months to accept... and longer to accept the power of our connection. I know there is no room for it in my new life.

[kiara17]

Focusing on other things is good for all of us, but I know how hard it is.

 

I am doing college homework tonight and keep getting distracted by thoughts of KC, what he's up to, does he even think about me, why have I never heard from him, has he met someone new, blah blah blah, I could keep typing all night. I come here to ENA for a lift, but sometimes that isn't always a good thing either. So I try to text a friend that I know will say something supportive. It's better than stalking his FB.

 

So how am I feeling tonight? Distracted but still trying....

 

Good plan! I've been trying to make plans with as many people as possible, going out and doing things has really helped me take my mind off of it. It's also nice to talk with other friends about the whole situation and gain some perspective. I looked at his FB today - I know bad - but there was nothing new on it so that kind of made me feel better. I know I need to stop doing that but it's sooo hard! I'll be glad when I'm back in college in the fall so I have work to keep me busy, I'm glad you have other things to focus on. Helps the time go by, and the healing go faster

[kiara17]

It's day 9 and I have text #2 from him. Like the first, it's cheerful, closes a loop he imagines open, and does not require a response. I've deleted, not responding. I'm not interested in being his friend. His presence prevents me from being in need of anyone else. I can not pursue my future with him attached to any part of me.

 

Good for you for not texting back! I feel like I wouldn't be that strong I really hope in time I can be more like you. I'm having mixed feelings today, some good ones and bad ones. This forum and people like you are really helping tho! Makes me realize I'm not in this totally alone

[IAmFCA]

Good plan! I've been trying to make plans with as many people as possible, going out and doing things has really helped me take my mind off of it. It's also nice to talk with other friends about the whole situation and gain some perspective. I looked at his FB today - I know bad - but there was nothing new on it so that kind of made me feel better. I know I need to stop doing that but it's sooo hard! I'll be glad when I'm back in college in the fall so I have work to keep me busy, I'm glad you have other things to focus on. Helps the time go by, and the healing go faster

 

Good job making plans with friends! I suggest also venturing out to do something by yourself that you would normally require friends to do with you, such as museums and city neighborhood walks, the movies and theater, etc.

[IAmFCA]

Day 10 begins.

 

I hadn't deleted the text like I thought. Looked at it again. It is more enthusiastic than warranted for the topic, with a string of exclamation points. I've never not replied to him before, not this way, no warning, no explanation. He knows. This second text is a test text, a week later than the first, "Really, you're not talking to me?"

 

Oh well, it doesn't matter what it says nor what I think it represents. I'm not contacting him no matter what it says.

[chappie]

Good morning everyone,

 

Im very new to this so let me tell you the details.

 

Situation: My gf of 7 years wants space and time to "miss me". We have been talking about it for 3 weeks and last week when she came back from vacation she just said she felt more like friends and again she needs space. 4 days ago, i started to break down and do the whole begging, wishing, and all the i shouldnt do. Granted we've had some real good talks and I ve made her smile a few times but she still needs space.

 

Details: We've lived together for 3 years, we just moved into her childhood house that her father fixed up. We are currently renting from them before we buying it from them. No children, 3 cats, 2 dogs and other pets. She is now 26 and I am 32. We've had some fights like everyone does and like most people i let my emotions get the best of me when I am upset so I called her repeated names during those arguments. Those names are fat, lazy, no common sense. I also said sometimes she just treats me like I am her friend rather then someone she loves. I don't tell her who to hang out with, who to talk to, what to wear. etc. I am a smart ass and i try to be funny so she said sometimes im disrespectful. I told her I cant see things from the outside in, and she needs to tell me these things. She stated she was afraid of my reaction. Ive never beat her, never cheated on her, i just have a bad temper due to the fact ive been alone in my life and shes the cloe

 

Problem: She always works on the computer in living room, I always go into my man cave different floor. Thats how its been for 8 months living here. I know our problem is we lost connection and dont communicate. Ive also told her that i hate how we have to argue before talking rather talking and not arguing. I pull her hand away when she wants to hold it, NOT ALWAYS. Like going into home depot and other places, but I do hold her hand. So i udnerstand where we have become distant and disconnected. I just didnt realize because she doesnt talk about it. Anyway

 

To respect her and guide me i'm posting

 

Heres to Day 1.

[chappie]

This is how i initiated NC Last night:

 

Me: I wish you didnt think i treated you so badly and hate that your starting to believe that we didnt have a good relationship, that really bothers me and im sorry you feel like that. I can not change what i didnt know. I think if you want space we just dont need to talk at all, no texting, ill stop leaving you notes and i will not bother you while you work out your thoughts. If you truly know how i feel then you know we can be happy. I hope you dont give up on me and this family we created becasue we love you and i love you and them. We just need to our problems out instead of getting stressed. I hope the best for your thoughts and realisze thatid like to grow old and make memories with you. Goodluck in your thouths and i love you.

 

Her: Thank you for giving me space. it is so weird to me that we havent talked for so long and for you to all of a sudden take such an interested in everything i do is just overwhelming me right now.

 

Me: I understand and i can only say thats its because i wasnt ware and concsious of how our relationship was and how you truly felt. now that i realize it i can apply it more carefully. I am always interested in what you do and i let my defense mechanism block my vulnerabilities when in reality you probably felt the same as me. Im just showing a conscious effort because i should have all along, rather than put my own feelings before yours in certain situations...Again i love you and i hope nothing but positive thoughts for you goodbye.

 

I went out and came home and she tried to have small talk with me about where i went and what i did. I just said its not fair because you want me to act normal while you decide if i am good enough for you or not. And that hurts. I said its just best we keep our difference and we got to "talking again". I pulled away from the conversation and went to bed, again drained of all energy.

 

 

Woke up today and i sent her this:

 

Me: again i just want to let you know last night i just need to let you know how i felt about the situation and i understand and respect you need space. I wish you would realize i want to support you and be by yourside but this is the space you need.

 

Her: I'm sorry

 

Me: Honestly there is no need to be sorry, life is a scary thing, i just hope you realize in the end the life we created is a beautiful thing, its not perfect but we can work on it.

 

 

 

And end of conversation 8 am.

 

Thoughts because it seems so easy for people to do NC when they arent living together but this is a different situation... she doesnt want me to move out just space and expects me to do my normal chores around the house??

[chappie]

MKEC94, Keep up the positive attitude as you can see you [we] are not alone. Might have different situations but we can all relate. This place seems like a good support system for the wandering mind.

[chappie]

I wish i was on day ten! Keep up the goodwork Ithinkican

[chappie]

Kiara, keep your head up.

[chappie]

Been 4 hours.... separation anxiety kicking in lol

[IAmFCA]

I wish i was on day ten! Keep up the goodwork Ithinkican

 

Its easier for me, I am going NC after a number of months in murky territory. The sooner we accept our new path, the sooner we can get started walking down it.

 

You are right to recognize it as "separation anxiety". Good call. Sometimes it is not about the person, more about our habits and comforts. Keep the faith!

[chappie]

Its easier for me, I am going NC after a number of months in murky territory. The sooner we accept our new path, the sooner we can get started walking down it.

 

You are right to recognize it as "separation anxiety". Good call. Sometimes it is not about the person, more about our habits and comforts. Keep the faith!

 

Thanks and ive noticed its stronger when you wake up and thats the hardest part of the day.

[MKEC94]

MKEC94, Keep up the positive attitude as you can see you [we] are not alone. Might have different situations but we can all relate. This place seems like a good support system for the wandering mind.

Thank you. I'm trying, I'm trying....sigh....

 

I will keep coming here for support and to post my progress.

 

This is Day 14 for me.

 

I made it to the 2 week mark! It hasn't been easy.

 

How am I feeling today?

I miss my best friend. I miss all the wonderful conversations we used to have. I miss his voice. I miss his texts. I miss his hugs, his smile, his eyes...I miss all of him. The good and the imperfections. I miss all his broken parts too, because they made him who he is. I miss his support during one of the toughest periods in my life.

 

I am still sad to think that he hasn't tried to contact me, even if it was breadcrumbs. I wonder if he misses me too, because I know that I WAS his best friend, and he doesn't have a lot of friends in this area (he grew up and lived in another state for many years). I wonder if he thinks about me, or if he just moved on so easily.

 

It feels like he has control of everything, but as someone reminded me yesterday, I have some control too.

I control my own NC.

I control what I choose to do every day.

What I'm not controlling very well are my thoughts -- I have got to find some "thought stopping" techniques that work for me. I haven't cracked that code yet.

 

I went to a doc appointment with my mom today. When the doc asked her how she was doing and what had been happening since the last time he saw her. She told him that my dad has passed away a few months ago. She strated to cry when he gave his condolences. She cried a few times at the appointment. We were waiting in a room for a test, and she asked me some questions about my dad, the final days, his final moments (I was holding his hand when he took his last breath). I took my time and tried to be patient, as I answered her questions.

 

A few months ago that would have been harder for me to do. But today, I was almost numb about it.

 

And then I felt angry at my ex, KC. His actions and this hurt have caused me to become more cold and numb, and I hate that!

 

Here I am 3 months after losing my dad, trying to take care of my mom, grieving, and his actions and selfishness have filled up much of my thoughts over the past month. He doesn't deserve to consume my thoughts. I'd much rather think about my daddy and how much I miss him. I'd rather focus on the final weeks, his smile, his jokes, his courage, love, and kindness.

 

I'd rather support my mom and her care. She is at a nursing home now, but still needs her family sometimes.

 

Instead of grieving one loss, I am now grieving two. And it totally sucks!

 

Anyway, I think I had a little bit of a breakthrough today sitting with my mom in that doctor's office. It reminded me that there are so many other things in my life that deserve my thoughts, things and people that are more important. He chose to throw me away, and I am worth so much more than that.

 

He doesn't think I am important, so why should he be important to me?

 

I always wanted a man that would cherish me, love me, and treat me well, like my dad would. Both my parents adored KC, and their eyes would light up when he walked into a room. Especially my dad's eyes during those final weeks. I really thought I had finally found that guy that I deserve.

 

I guess not.

 

So....

Can I go back to grieving for my dad now? KC has already consumed too much of my time!!

[kiara17]

Day 8 of NC

I don't know how many of you believe in intuition, but I feel that I have always had strong intuition/feelings that come out of nowhere. My mom and sister get it too, and sometimes it's freaky how accurate it is. It comes out of nowhere too, random things happen and you just know what's gonna happen.

 

Well last night I went to sleep a little sad - as per usual - feeling hopeless and such, but still fell asleep. Then, I woke up at 4 in the morning randomly, jolted out of bed and knew he was going to come back. I just knew. There was no prior thought, just happened. The same thing happened when my dad passed away, I randomly started crying for no reason the night before and knew something bad was gonna happen. Weird right? I understand false hope from a broken heart, but this felt different.

 

Now I know for a fact he'll come back, but the question now is, will I take him back? My last ex came back but it was already too late, this ex would have to make some serious changes for me to even reconsider it. I'm glad I've gotten to the point to know that I wouldn't just take him back immediately, it would require a lot of thought and sincerity from his part. I know that I'm worth something more than to be with someone who's not quite sure. Until he's absoultely sure, there's no way in hell. Because I know how valuable I am, and how I'm worth someone better. Day 8 is looking up! NC really does help also no more FB stalking!

[chappie]

Good for you! keep up good work. I failed tonight. She made contact and I let my emotions get the better of me

[hopelessincan]

Day 2. I was going to post here thinking it was day 6 or 7, then I realized its only been two days. Technically three, but I cheated Monday morning with one quick text. That he answered of course.

Today i'm feeling ok. Just ok, but that's better than normal. I'm probably more numb or robotic, but I'll take this over the emotional wreck any day of the week.

I had a busy day and that's probably why.

I too have a feeling we aren't over forever, but I know we've both got to get over this and fix our stuff. But I have accepted..no almost accepted that we are done for now and for probably a good six months or so. I hope I'm right. But maybe then I wont care, hopefully by then I will have moved on. He knows our connection, and I'm probably helping him knowing I cant let go. He told me he's far from over me, but he's accepted we cant be together.

I think I miss him and put all my effort into him because he was probably the only stability I had. What a burden that must have been. I wish I wasn't so broken.

[chappie]

Ok so im starting to think that no matter what youll always have that connection and desire of an ex because you cant just forget the good memories that person spent with you. Not to mention all of the little things that happen in a relationship that make it special. No two relationships you have will ever be the same. Not even the ones in which you start with your ex. You grow and they grow, different outlook on life, or different view of negativity. Any relationship cant be duplicated because the passing of time. No point in time is there an exact moment of time thats the same. You make the future with your thoughts and thoughts put into action. Keep your head held up high and if you continue to think positive you can and will achieve alot of success in whatever you are pursuing, not just in what you want but life in general.

[chappie]

I am sorry for your loss mk, it is always tough to lose a familiy member or loved one and its always worst to be going through something of that magnitude on two different levels. Just think about it, you know what hes doing? Hes bettering himself up for you, he doesnt know it yet but he will start to think about the little things in life and the small moments he had with you, and you know what? He will start to beat himself up about not having you around and figure out what went wrong and then fix himself. So what you need to do is keep concentrating on yourself growth and be able to show him how you improved yourself as well. I believe if we all do this while we take breaks and self reflect on how we were rather than how the other person is, makes the NC time go by a little easier. I know i couldnt last 8 hours, but something tells me after the conversation tonight that sometimes things like this happen for a reason, good and bad.