THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

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Day 25

 

I don't see it as tragic anymore that it didn't work out.

[gettingthere12]

No longer counting the days. I feel indifferent. Up and down. I just wish I could get her out of my mind. That part is what's plaguing me. I get a high some days, feeling confident about moving on completely yet other days I feel a bit low. Her breadcrumbs are messing up my floor. I truly have zero desire to contact her although I wish she'd contact me. Rubbish I know. Ironically enough I don't want her in her current state. I've seen her a few times since our demise almost 3 months ago and have been intimate with her, but she's completely different. I guess some people go back to their old ways even though I saw something different for 4 years. Not sure her relationship status as I can care less (so I feel at the moment) and have no desire to check her Facebook, text, call, etc. Zero!. Overall I don't really want her back per se, I'd just like to know she cares and isn't that heartless. I guess it matters none anyway. We're both free to live our lives. It's just a bit harder for me as I really don't have much negative energy toward her other than her moving on so quickly and stringing me along. I hold no malice. Well to all those still struggling...live on live strong...cheers.

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Day 26 (note, it is easy to count the days for me because Day 1 was on the 1st of the month)

 

I guess I am starting to feel more OK with it. He was really mean to me, and I felt very angry about how I was treated. I was also very hurt because he acted like he despised me and he didn't like me. While we've been broken up for far longer than 26 days, NC for 26 days has given me time to let all those things I just mentioned, start to dissipate. Everything feels a lot less raw. Yeah, you might not be in my life anymore, but that's not my loss. I still have all the same friends, new friends, too, and my career goals, and my program, my hobbies, and my dreams. So I guess he just decided to not be a part of that and that's OK. It is OK. It does me no harm, actually. I still have the same life I always did. It's not like he withdrew his support or anything-- he wasn't supportive of those things in the first place.

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26 (continued) and I wanted to add: if he didn't want to be a part of my life, I don't want him to be, either. It makes sense.

[gettingthere12]

26 (continued) and I wanted to add: if he didn't want to be a part of my life, I don't want him to be, either. It makes sense.

 

You should be proud of your progress and outlook. Once I got past the anger and resentment phase I was able to focus on what I had to offer to someone else in the future. Although I'm not ready to date, I feel my heart moving on. My mind has done so already. God Speed!

[gettingthere12]

I heard this a few days ago and I read it daily to keep me uplifted...."Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute, an hour, a day, even a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take it's place. If I quit however it will last forever"....Eric Thomas ‪

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Day 27

 

I was driving home today from practice, and I started to once again feel torn between my love for my ex and my awareness of everything he did wrong to me and the awfulness I feel (and felt) about it. I said STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do NOT want to feel like this anymore! This person is gone from my life and I STILL FEEL TORN! So what I realized is that, you know what? I should be dating other people! Why didn't I realize this sooner? I should be dating someone else. DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL. Ok, so that is what I am going to do. I am not going to jump into another relationship (nope, not doing that), but, really, I should be out there "trying to move on" just like he is. HAH, so we finally agree on something! I feel a lot better after realizing this. In short, I won't feel the agony of your abandonment, the rage of your abuse, or the disappointment of you not liking or loving me, because none of that matters since no one else treats me that way and the next guy won't treat me that way and I'm still the lovable, sweet, trusting, affectionate, interesting, healthy, well-balanced accomplished person I was before we met. Now I just get to be me with someone who appreciates me. I know I won't meet my next boyfriend in a heartbeat, but boy, do I look forward to him and putting my energy into something that works. Whew.

[brody17]

Messaged her after Day 76 to say good luck for an exam she had. So started again, day 5 today.

[Aeropro]

Messaged her after Day 76 to say good luck for an exam she had. So started again, day 5 today.

 

76 days! Good job.

 

Day #16 today. Almost to #21 (3 weeks)... almost to #30.

[rowdynt]

Day 6

So hard not to call or text just spont 6 days in bali but so it was easy now that iam home so dam hard are well day 7 tomorrow 👍👍

Ps i miss you bub

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Day 30 (Well, that was easier than I thought. I guess it is easy to not talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you, or give you what you want. heh. I'll keep posting.)

 

My overall experience now, 30 days into NC, is that I recognize I am not going to in another serious relationship for a while. That's OK. I do not know how anyone can deeply love someone, and then just recover, like that. I don't think the heart works like that at all. The heart at first works to trick you, ping-ponging back and forth with conflicting emotions. It obsesses over either taking blame yourself, or blaming your ex-partner. The other person is gone, so you'll never find resolution with them. Eventually, it comes from you, as trite as that sounds. But since you loved, shared, and merged your life with them and theirs...that dies a slower death. Maybe some people spend a long time hung up in recovering. I don't want that to be me, but there are other worthwhile things I am focusing on right now (like my career, friends, hobbies). I also enjoy meeting people. It is probably this way I will eventually fall in love again. Just not right now, and that is OK. I still love myself, and that's what is most important.

[gettingthere12]

Well said gone, well said. Great to see you finding clarity. This is inspiring.

[Aeropro]

Day 17 coming to a close. I feel the spark of 'me' coming back.

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Day 31

 

The biggest change that has happened over the last 6 weeks is a focus from him, to me. It's not that I don't think about my ex. It's not that I let him off the hook for all his wrongs. It's not that I don't miss loving someone and being a part of something with them. But where I once would wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him, now if I wake up and he crosses my mind, I immediately think, "I don't want to think about that, I want to sleep!" and it's not because I am forcing myself to not think about him-- it has nothing to do with him. It's because I simply want to sleep. In this way and in many other examples, my thinking is now about MY life, not his. I need to sleep so I can feel healthy and happy, and anything that keeps me from sleeping, is something I'm not interested in. I have stuff to do and I need to sleep. I'm not spending much energy at all on thinking about my ex if it interferes with my life, goals, functioning, health, etc. So that is a healthy more recent change.

 

Also, I suffered a personal loss about 10 days ago. My ex was not there for me and I did not expect him to be (nor do I know if he knows- probably not). I took the event as a way to further accept my ex is gone from my life and it reminded me of how he was never there for me, anyway. Someone who was there for me wouldn't have done x, y, and z things that he did. It's not with blame that I say that; it's with acceptance.

 

I accept that you didn't truly love me, and I accept that the problems you had are not my problems. I did not deserve to be treated the way you treated me, but I don't feel like there is anything to be gained by waiting for an apology. THAT is moving on. You said we fight too much, when the reality of it was that we fought because I was waiting for an apology for all the absolutely horrid things you did to me during the time we lived together -- all the verbal abuse, the abuse of my pets, the abuse of me, to name just a few. We fought because I was not willing to subject myself to such treatment and you kept denying it was happening. You even accused me of having a "selective memory". Well, I started cataloging it and I have it documented, so I guess my memory has nothing to do with it. But you know what? IT'S OK. Because I am no longer waiting for any kind of apology, which means your problems are your problems and I am free of them. At last. You don't want to admit you were abusive? That's fine! You don't have to-- you got away with it and can pretend it never happened. You don't have to answer to me, because we don't talk. It's convenient, but it cost us both love and the energy we put into things. It was a trade-off you were willing to make and I don't want to be with someone who chooses his denial over doing right by me and by us. Heh.

 

I accept I am a good person and I know I was a good girlfriend. If I don't meet anyone I like, that's OK. If I do, I know I have a lot to offer. I'll find a way to love other people, even if it's not romantically. Maybe I will volunteer when I have more time. Maybe I will adopt or foster a child some day. Love is not gone from my life, just you are. It is funny how my grieving brain did not make that connection before. I really loved you. But you weren't the only person I loved, nor were you the only thing I ever loved. I love myself, and I love life, and I love other people and I love other animals, too. Contrary to my fears when you left my life, I didn't lose love. It may not be romantic love, but I still have a lot of love in my life.

[Aeropro]

Day #19 starts today. I miss what she represented in my life, but I don't really miss her anymore.

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Day 33

 

I realize love is a gift. We cannot control who we fall in love with. We may have an idea of what we think we want, and what we think we are looking for in a person, but ultimately falling in love is not a decision we make, and not something we can anticipate to happen when x,y and z are fulfilled, and not something that happens "at the right time" or even "in the right place". I was lucky enough to find love with my ex. Was it the right time or place? There is no right time or place. It happened. We fell in love. But how that love got handled was all wrong. He spent a lot of the our relationship not accepting me for me; shunning me, and denouncing us for our natural differences -- INSTEAD of learning from our differences, celebrating my person, and showing me his love. It wasn't ME you rejected, ex, it was love you rejected. Well, I didn't reject love. But without your acceptance, my hands were tied to effect any change between us. Instead, I watched you fight against giving and receiving love.

 

I have learned you, dear ex, were ignorant to the recipe of allowing love to be in your life. It's OK, in that it is not something I hold against you. You are free to be who you are and to be where you are in life (just like I am)-- and that doesn't imply either of those things will ever change. I am beginning to accept it was your decision not just to not love, but also your decision to not allow Love into your life. Furthermore, it was a decision you made independent of me and regardless of knowing me. It was a decision that had nothing to do with me.

 

I have realized a person can have romantic feelings for someone, and can try to make a life with them, but unless you honor their perspective, and unless you are willing to adapt and compromise to what it takes to share a life with them...in no way have you opened yourself to love.

 

This is the wisdom that is hard-earned here for me. There is nothing I could have done to make you, dear ex, realize this. You simply did not want to do what has to happen to really love someone. I am not sorry I am not you. While I cannot force myself to love someone else, if I am so fortunate to love again...I will know to fully let love into my life (as I did before), and to give my partner a chance to let love into his life, or to move on if he doesn't (as I did not know before). The love we had was a gift to be cherished. I realize now there was nothing I could do to make you cherish something that you just didn't. It was sad, but by sticking around, I was not going to change it from being sad. I don't know if you will ever realize what you gave up. Yet, it was totally your right to decide what it is you want in life, and if real love is not what you want, that is certainly your prerogative. You may have a very different idea of the purpose that a romantic relationship serves you. For me, I want to be in love, and I want what that means, in my life. I want the compromise, honoring and respecting someone else and their perspective, learning from them, and growing with them. I WANT acceptance and the giving and receiving of love.

 

I don't know if I will ever be fortunate enough to fall in love again. But that is Life. Life has no certainties when it comes to those things. I just have to trust that by being the person I am, I will continue to be happy, productive, and effect positive change in the people around me.

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Day 36 or 37?

 

I feel happy today! The whole day. And not because of something that happened. I feel happy from the inside. I am starting to feel like me again. =)

[LostinMidwest]

Tomorrow is going to be the start of Day 1. I'm going to have to figure out how to type on this page from my phone. I'm going to guarantee you I am going to post a ton in this thread.

 

I'm going to go NC for 30 days. I'm going to miss the hell out of her. God I'm going to be a mess tomorrow.

[LostinMidwest]

Day 1 is going a hell of a lot better than I anticipated.

 

I miss her already but I do not have the urge to contact her because I know it's not what is best for anyone right now. I've been sad here and there throughout the day but it's not the same kind of sad I've been feeling before. Overall today is a good day.

[Aeropro]

Tomorrow is going to be the start of Day 1. I'm going to have to figure out how to type on this page from my phone. I'm going to guarantee you I am going to post a ton in this thread.

 

I'm going to go NC for 30 days. I'm going to miss the hell out of her. God I'm going to be a mess tomorrow.

 

Best of luck to you. You have the right attitude... don't be discouraged once you've hit a week or so. There are going to be times when you truly WANT to reach out even if you don't right now. I am currently on day #25 and while the urge to contact is gone, there is still the occasional sense of anxiousness since she hasn't reached out yet (week #4 is said to be the toughest since, if the ex doesn't reach out, all hope seems lost, etc). No worries - keep at it.

[notme2]

Day 1, about a month since break up.

 

Tried LC, it's too hard, wish you could have put in the slight amount of effort to communicate easily fixed issues, but that's your problem. Enjoy being alone, or trying to find some who's not so available and will probably cheat on you. Also grow the up and don't lie and tell someone you loved them when you never actually let them in at all.

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I'm happy. It's nice to feel like my old self again. =)

[ForgetitDamit]

day 40

 

I don't understand why can't i forget this woman. I know she was not good for me, or for anyone else for that matter, but dammit why can't i forget her.

We started badly, meaning she was already cheating on her husband with his best friend, with her boss, and with her good friend, and with me on top of all that. I took it as a light fun (huge mistake) and look at where i am now after 3.5 years. I was sure we really loved each other, but after a year and a half she admitted that she was still screwing her boss occasionally, how he was threatening her to do so or he would tell her husband...bs like that. She told me that after he fired her, yeah great time to tell me , just to relieve her guilt.

She was crying, begging, which is not something she ever did before being a proud and stubborn so i was sure she really loved me. We went on for 2 more years after i took her back slowly, and i was absolutely sure we are the best couple ever, best friends, she was always cudly which is so not like her usually, as i said she appears cold and acted cold to everyone all her life. Cold, unless its about sex...nympho. We were always fighting who will do more for the other one, competing really, that's how good things looked like.

 

And out of blue she said, through sms, she wants to leave, while i was thinking about buying a wedding ring lol. I was sure at the time she wants to go back to her husband because of their kid, and that's something i could live with i suppose...there would be hope. I went to her place to see her one last time, and i was expecting she will be cold, but she was all smiling instead, kissing me, almost crying etc...

 

After that meeting a started NC, before i even knew what NC is, i just felt like its the right thing to do. 2 weeks later she texted me saying she met another guy. I thought i would die that second. I said yeah you probably met him while you were with me, and she said met him yes but nothing else...yeah right.

 

I texted her couple of times that day, demanded to grow some balls and tell me things on phone, and that was our last talk, no harsh words, moslty silence.

40 days of NC past, and i still think about her, why the hell. I was better 2 weeks ago, i thought im on my way out, why do i feel like crap again last few days.

Im moving tomorrow to Thailand and i hope that will help. What hurts the most is that i know its over forever because no way i would take her back after she cheated on me again, even if she wanted to come back and even if i was still in love, which for some fcked up reason i still am. Second reason is, how the hell someone doesn't text you after 40 bloody days just to ask if i was ok, if im alive..seriously, how can you not just ask someone you swore to love forever if he is ok at least. I know its better that she doesn't, im just angry how can someone be so cold all of the sudden.

[LostinMidwest]

Day 2. I feel so sad. I wish I could have gave her a hug goodbye.

[LostinMidwest]

Day 3.

 

Every relationship I've been in its been easy to be mad at the ex and get over her quickly. I can think of all the qualities about that person I didn't like and it makes me get over them with no problem. Not this one. She is still wonderful to me and I can't say a bad thing about her. We are victims to a crappy situation. That isn't fair. This no contact thing sucks.