THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[lyla2013]

Day 2 Cont'd

 

I broke NC today due to her texting me first earlier in the day.

 

I kept myself busy and did not respond automatically. I got home late and just sent "night

 

Testing the waters a little bit since shes texting first, but I will not initate a conversation with her.

 

No matter what, it's a good thing to know that she takes the initiative to text you.

I am a bit jealous of you...

I wish that she finally knew how much you love her and she would cherish it.

[lyla2013]

Day 6

 

The day is drawing to an end, another day is going to pass, but there's still nothing from him, so sad...

I keep telling myself that he has really left me, he doesn't want a future with me any more...

 

But still my mind wanders to him so easily. Whenever anything happens to me, he's the first one that i want to tell.

(Like today, my father came to visit me, i was so eager to tell him that, wondering what would he say to me if we were still together)

I miss his smile, I miss the moments when i make him smile, I miss his failing attempt to hide his smile.

I miss his warmth, miss all the good things in him. How come he turns into another person, with a heart so determined to leave.

 

I wonder what it would be like if we were still together. I wish to see him one last time.

I believe that the distance is the cause of all problems. If we were in each other's everyday life, things would have been so much easier.

 

I think finally i will tell him about my travel plan to his home country.

But not now, I am not ready to tell him yet.

I won't tell him until i can completely let go of him; until i know my heart won't be anguished even if he ignores me; until i don't care about him any more.

 

I don't know when that will be - when my heart won't be anguished for him any more, when i can take him as a distant memory only...

[hrdcore1337]

Day 3

 

As I'm starting to make my texts really late and unemotional, she is still initating contact with me, but not the kind I'm looking for.

 

"I just got paid today

 

Nothing important/

[hrdcore1337]

Day 3

 

The message is accross that we both miss each other. I just ugh, idk. She is waiting for something, idk what it is.

[lyla2013]

I break my NC, becuase i got a message from him, and i have to reply.

I need a closure that leaves me with no possibilities to wonder what-if.

He has all the qualities that i want, so i will fight and try until i am convinced that it's absolutely impossible.

There are still so many issues we need to figure out, and i hope we will have the patience this time to work it through.

But if he still gives me this "attitude" (this is the most painful part), i will make up my mind to leave.

 

Because it's not about win and lose, pride and justice. It's silly and immature to play mind games, because it's love that we're talking about.

I want a loving caring person, who i can share and discuss everything with, who can feel my pain when i'm in pain; not a person who has the heart to leave me here alone crying and bleeding and think that i deserve this. That's a punishment, that's not love.

 

We'll see what happens.

[lyla2013]

Day 1

 

Crap! Turns out it was just a bait from him.

After replying to his message, i waited and waited, but there's nothing from him again. I can't stand this attitude, he's playing with me!

I got furious, and wrote him a very long email. I asked him to make things clear and answer many doubts from me. (I was intending to talk about those doubts, those issues with him in a mild way, but now he really leaves me no room for a nice and peaceful discussion)

 

I don't need a secretive, sneaky, tricky, cold person like this. If he turns out to be this kind of person, i'd rather be alone.

I feel strong now. He can get angry get scared and never comes back, I'm ok with that. I just want an answer for myself - Does he want to stay or go?!

If this is all a silly game, I am out!

[hrdcore1337]

I would most likely just drop him from your life lyla. It's not worth the frustration.

[lyla2013]

I would most likely just drop him from your life lyla. It's not worth the frustration.

Thank you Hrdcore. Your word gives me strength. Thank you...

It is so frustrating, he's like a poison now. I try so hard, want to be treated fairly, want to work out things in a proper way with him. I never think of hurting him, all i am trying to tell is how much i miss him how much i want him back into my life, and ask about his feeling in a very honest way.

Why does he tread on my heart, and do things in this strange sneaky way...

 

I had a dream about him last night. Usually the dreams about him are nice and rosy, but last night he's so cold and aloof in the dream, it's gloomy, I can still feel the pain and disappointment from the dream.

Perhaps, he has really changed.

 

So sad....

[hrdcore1337]

Go read Codependent No More, it is a good text to help YOU sort out YOUR feelings.

[lyla2013]

I've just bought the book. Thank you Hrdcore.

[js0905]

Another day I believe is day 28 and after that last text on this past Wednesday 08/14 I haven't heard from him again.

It was just a sad face because I didn't text back to the breadcrumbs he threw at me Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Just wish he would apologize or give me an explanation of why I didn't hear from him in 23 days...

 

Do I contact him back or do I continue to wait? I miss him terribly... when things were good they were so good. He made me feel so good about myself and I opened myself up to him not just emotionally but sexually. That is something I haven't done in past relationships, maybe that was the problem it became so openly sexual but I trusted that was just a part of what we had.

 

What do I do now??

 

I'm worried because nobody has made me feel the way he has made me feel and been that I'm already 40 that is saying a lot. I don't think I'll ever find that again =(

[lyla2013]

Hi JS, I don't want if I have good advice to give you. If his heart is not there for you any more, perhaps just let him go.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they are yours, if not they never were."

[lyla2013]

Day 3

 

He disappeared for 2 days on the weekend as usual, after he came back (I saw him online till very late), he didn't drop me even a single message, let alone to reply my long email. There's just absolutely nothing from him. If he really has cared about me, at least he should have reacted a little bit somehow, but he just ignored like that, leaving me here heartbroken again.

I keep telling myself that this is really not the person I want. He's too calm, his heart is deep and cold. Even if we were back together this time, how could I ever get along with a person with a character like this? Just let go...

 

So I deleted him from all my online communication account. I need to drop this poison from my life...

 

No matter what happened in the past, good or bad, no matter he was sincere or with a plan, they are all just a dream. Now it is time to wake up...

 

My heart still aches so bad. It is going to be a very long day today...

[hrdcore1337]

You've gotta stop messaging him already,

 

"i need to drop this poison from my life"

 

do it!

[lyla2013]

Thank you hrdcore. I know i want a better state of myself, and he's poison now, but this is harder than i think, because i still can't help wondering what-if... I am so weak...

 

Anyway, I got reply from him today.

 

He replied with a long emaill, trying to answer all my doubts, but I am not fully convinced, he's somehow tricky in answering the questions.

Obviously he's angry with me too.

 

I don't know what i should do now. I really miss the good times, i wish that he could prove himself to be a honest decent person who really loves me, I wish he could clear all my doubts about him and bring us to the way we were. Is this still possible?

I don't know he replied to me because he still cares about me, or just because that I attacked him with so many doubts and he just wanted to justify himself.

 

I asked him not to contact me unless he wants me back, while he wrote back to me and said it is not a matter of stay or leave, many things must be taken into consideration.

 

I don't know what is the best to do now. He's so tricky...

[Rjones91]

Today makes Day #4 NC. She has been texting me since Sunday trying to explain that she was having phone issues, (yet she was liking my pics on instagram over the weekend). I know she spent the weekend out of town with her ex from 3yrs ago and it was basically the nail in the coffin. I have nothing to say to her. She called and texted today, as well as asking me if I am not talking to her again (I didn't respond). She also left me a voicemail but I refuse to listen to it either. It hurts like hell, but I don't need her, nor am I gonna accept her consolation prize of being her friend. I have plenty of real friends that do not lie to me. Staying strong as I refuse to respond to her in any shape or form. She doesn't deserve to hear my voice again. Continuing my quest of letting go and complete NC.

[lyla2013]

I feel so bad today.

 

Finally, I did reply to him, inquiring more details, trying to clear my doubts.

After a few email exchanges, things got bad again.

He was being evasive again, never answered my questions in a direct way, and he started to question me instead.

This is a bad cycle, i feel again that we cannot communicate with each other well, we cannot solve our problems in a good way. In fact, we have never successfully solved any problems/doubts between us. They were just accumulating, getting bigger and bigger.

 

I am so confused about who he really is. There are two versions of him in my mind.

- One is good and sincere, who really loves me. Things didn't work out just between our characters really don't match. Our bad communications and bad tempers never allowed us solve any problems between us. We love each other, but we cannot live along with each other. Too many conflicts and doubts killed us.

- Another one is secretive and sneaky. He's with a plan of his own. He likes me, but he will never be with me. He has someone else the whole time, that's why he can't pick up my call, can't call me or text me, disappering during the weekends, and he's trying to hide me from everyone around him.

 

No matter what is his real intension. Please just leave it there please........

 

There's no doubt that we both like each other a lot, but our communication is impossible. I've been trying so hard for the past 4 months, and it's just getting more and more frustrating.

 

Yes, "It's not worth the frustration", please just let go........ Why is this so hard to let go....

 

 

btw, he told me that he would move on and see other girls.

Of course he will. Perhaps he has never even stopped doing that the whole time, and that's the source of all my doubts.

But it's ok now. He's free to do whatever he wants.

He deserves someone who can treat him right.

 

I just hope that i can be healed soon. I've been reading all the posts here, they are helping a lot. I learnt that many people have been in the same position as i am, and i am not alone.

The book i bought has just arrived today, i will start reading and hope it will help me.

 

Let him go, let him find someone he deserves. I sincerely wish him well, have a nice life without me........

(still miss him...)

[bwhite00]

Rjones, you are a strong man. Seriously bro, I got mad respect. Day #2 NC for me and I'm weak as puppy piss

[lyla2013]

Day 1

 

Back to Day 1.

He told me that this result is what i deserve. I am the one who caused the result today.

Now he's already on his way, trying to find a new girlfriend.

 

There's really no reason to come back to him any more, no reason to contact with him any more. It's all over.

That man that i loved so fondly has grown into a different person.

The beautiful memories that we had were just a dream.

I thought that he was the one for me, but he wasn't. He was never mine to have, he belongs to someone else in his future.

 

I should give my best wishes to her, and to him as well.

Everyone deserves to find his/her one and only. We all deserve to be happy.

He and i, we were never meant to be.

 

I will stop trying to figure out what was his real intention for me, because it doesn't matter any more.

Let it be good. Let me take it as good.

He is a good man, responsible, honest, talented with many things, with all the qualities that i want in a partner.

It's just that our characters really don't match, we couldn't even solve a single conflict together.

 

He's right to move on, he's right to find someone else, when he realised that i am not the one for him.

He deserves to be happy, he deserves everything that i failed to give to him.

I am never a good girlfriend, i have this short temper that destroys everything. I am not smart enough either. I should improve myself.

He deserves a girl who can treat him the way he needs.

 

And I will not contact with him any more.

[lyla2013]

Day 2

 

I still think of him all the time.

Sometimes, i wonder if we still have a chance, if he will contact me after a while;

but then i remember that he's probabaly chatting with other girls now, which makes me never able to accept him any more, even if i want to.

 

My heart is now a barren field. I can't forget how it used to be thriving with hopes and happiness because of him.

The tears i shed on the field can never bring anything back to life.

I have to accept that the harvest will never come.

 

There's still a soft place for him in my heart, where he refuses to stay unfortunately.

He's onto a new journey of his life, taking away all his love, leaving doubts behind, leaving me alone here moaning over the death of our love.

 

The person who wants to leave can always find an excuse to leave; same like the person who wants to stay can always finds a reason to stay.

After all, he chose to leave in the end.

[freadrik]

Your heart isn't a barren field. It is a fresh field that just needs some new topsoil. That's what you are doing no in no contact. Tending to your garden for a change, and not worrying about his. His field is his problem now. Make sure yours is ready for the next harvest by taking time to tend to it!

[brokenhearted1]

I accept the challenge..nc with him since last thursday...day 8...I feel a little better. I still feel angry sometimes and miss him, but that goes away a little each day...

[lyla2013]

Your heart isn't a barren field. It is a fresh field that just needs some new topsoil. That's what you are doing no in no contact. Tending to your garden for a change, and not worrying about his. His field is his problem now. Make sure yours is ready for the next harvest by taking time to tend to it!

 

Thank you so much!! It's very enlightening, you make me think it in a fresh way. I will try...

 

Day 3

 

I still think about him. He usually disappears during the weekend. Now it's weekend again.

I used to feel so uneasy, sad, worried, confused, angry because of his absence on weekends.

But now I feel better, because i don't need to worry if he's there or not any more.

 

I needed to check some emails today, so i opened my emailbox, and the instant communication tool was automatically connected, where he used to be there to chat with me.

A gust of pain and sadness swept over me. It's painful to realise that he's out of my life forever, and he probabaly hates me, because he thinks that it is all my fault.

My god. This is really not what i wanted.

 

But i do feel much better today. I will keep my weekend busy.

[brokenhearted1]

Actually, I take that back...we talked Monday the 19th...so this would be day 4 for me...

 

We had broken up and talked about getting back together so I sent him a relationship request on FB. Before he could even accept it we were split up again. It still says pending so I know he hasn't rejected it yet...

 

I know it seems silly but it's a way for me to kind of hold on...I need to cancel that request...I really do.

[js0905]

Hi JS, I don't want if I have good advice to give you. If his heart is not there for you any more, perhaps just let him go.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they are yours, if not they never were."

 

Thank you for the advice and I will do that now.

 

Unfortunately after he contacted me on day 23 & 24 I decided to reply on day 28 last Sunday...

I wanted to act like I didn't care and just said -

 

"Hi, how are u?

It was nice to hear frm u. I hope things are going well. I have been so busy lately. Finally have the house for myself. (He knew I had family visiting for about a month) We'll have to get to get together sometime....

Have a great day!! TTYL

 

he responded 9 minutes later and said

 

"Hi sweetie. I'm glad you wrote back. I have also been busy, traveling a lot for work & with family stuff. Let's try to get caught up soon. MUAH!!

 

and that is the last I heard from him....

 

So that was 5 days ago and I'm going back to NC since I gave him that one break in hopes he would comeback to me and apologize.

Wanted him to stay in touch with me and rekindle what we once had but I haven't heard frm him again so I'm cutting him loose.

 

At this point if he tries again I'm not responding at all because he had his chance and did not use it.

 

Feel defeated once more and wish I had not responded, almost made it to 30 days...LOL!!??

 

Crap!!