Questioning NC

[twomonks]

Siberia,

 

So what you are saying is that there was no point where you did or were close to going back to the ex, in this particular story?

[Siberia]

Siberia,

 

So what you are saying is that there was no point where you did or were close to going back to the ex, in this particular story?

Yes we were close to reconciling--one year later, when things started going a bit rough with my second relationship and when I had started looking back fondly at my ex who had pretty much vanished from the scene by then. But our georgraphy precluded any getting back, and we both were then tied to our geographic locations. I didn't want to leave my new job and relocate. So getting back is a lot about dumper's timeline and life situations.

[kitchty]

 

She and I were actually on good terms after the break-up. She was contacting me every day, but I then told her to leave me alone. The 4 weeks went by and I was desperate and she could smell it. She told me: "The break-up feels like it just happened yesterday." She was trying to tell me that she didn't have enough time.

 

 

OMG....This is unbelievable.

 

So true....

 

It has been four months already, and my ex is the kind that bottles things up a lot.

 

I had been harassing him for a while, and only stopped doing so last month. By this time, all the memories and pain and anxiety of that is almost gone, like it was so long ago to me. BUT IT IS STILL FRESH IN HIS MIND.

 

It is amazing..this thing...the sense of time. I remembered just two weeks ago that we had a fight about something that had nothing to do with our dead relationship really...and he got so angry about the way I am (controlling +manipulative+ tend to see the bad more than the good about people) that he dredged it all up and...lo and behold, it is as if me abusing the relationship/ abusing him/ and complicating it further by endless begging and bargaining, just happened an hour ago or something. From the way he sounded I knew it was still so fresh in his mind. While for me , I knew I stopped begging a month ago. I stopped using his money 5 months ago, stopped controlling and stop messing up the house 5 months ago too...His mind doesn't record any of that.

 

Thank you for the insight...I think I somewhat knew this is how it is but need someone to come out, say it out loud, to hammer it into me..

[kitchty]

Yes we were close to reconciling--one year later, when things started going a bit rough with my second relationship and when I had started looking back fondly at my ex who had pretty much vanished from the scene by then. But our georgraphy precluded any getting back, and we both were then tied to our geographic locations. I didn't want to leave my new job and relocate. So getting back is a lot about dumper's timeline and life situations.

 

 

 

Might be the case for me too...Maybe my little tomato will be gone forever.. The world is not just about the two of us, but tons of variables.

 

such is life.....So important to make sure you stay on the path of least regret.

[kitchty]

 

The relationship was dead. Do you take delight in talking about a dead loved person? No. It is sadistic to force a person to talk about it at all.

 

...........Beyond words..........a very good perspective.

 

It is curious though that this bothers you though. I remember from your post that by the time you broke it off you were already kind of interested in another guy? You already had a new love interest and that should make you feel all fresh and giddly (we feel like that when we fall in love, right?) So now you get to sneeze the particle out so to speak and breath in some fresh air...I still don't understand why you as a dumper still felt sad. Look you have your fresh air and you are supposed to be happy. You know you don't want that particle any more....After all you already fell out of love. What is there to be sad about? What is sad in this situation? I still don't get it--if I were in your shoes I reckon I would not feel sad at all, or only a little...

 

 

 

 

why does the dead relationship pain you so much? After all, YOU were quite happy to move on, as you said in your post....

 

you are like a clone of my ex right now..sigh

[Siberia]

Oh, I was incredibly sad to break up. Incredibly sad. Even though I was happy with the new guy, I couldn't commit a forever because I was racked with guilt, hyper-guilt, at having broken off with my ex. Such is my personality I guess. I hate kicking people on the wayside. I prefer to make things work. My loyalties are quite fierce in nature and it really takes a lot to shift them from one boat to another.

 

Let me tell you something--I have first been a dumper and then a dumpee. As a dumper, I spent 2 years in soul destroying guilt. As a dumpee--in 2 months I feel a liberated person. Guess what? I'd anyday in life be a dumpee than a dumper. Gosh. I cannot stress enough. Being a dumper has been the most horrid experience of my life. I can only equate it to baby killing. I would NEVER dump again. I'd make it work.

[ScorpiGal83]

I was a dumper previously and I didn't feel ANY guilt. Only a little awkwardness in terms of mutual friends but they were more HIS friends than mine so I slipped out of that social circle.

 

I didn't feel like I had killed a baby - in fact, I felt LIBERATED as a dumper.

 

NOW, as a dumpee, i still feel a bit like crap but it gets easier every day.

[Siberia]

I don't *date* people and have only been in two serious relationships in life. And in each there was a mountain of investment from both ends. The man I dumped was truly a soulmate material. It is very difficult for me to leave someone behind and walk away. I hate making judgement calls on people. I hate to know that I have left someone crushed. I am *extremely* selective about relationships. And once I'm in it--I make it a forever thing. So I cannot just dump and move on. It is a personality thing I guess.

 

As for feeling crap as a dumpee, that is our bruised ego speaking. "How could he dump me?" and all those self-righteous questions. If you peer deeper in your heart and hush your ago for a while, you would not feel like crap. If you really loved that person, you will feel okay with the fact that they had to leave because they feel wronged, unloved, soffocated, tired, scared, bored, confused whatever. It is their life at stake too.

 

I'm really talking about love relationships here.

[ScorpiGal83]

I don't *date* people either. The guy I dumped was my first love. The guy who dumped me, my second love. I've only had two serious relationships. The others that lasted like 3 months, where I did the dumping too, I didn't count.

 

The guy I dumped, my first love, I was with him for 2 years. And I didn't feel bad or guilty because there was just no more love there. I had been thinking and deliberating about dumping him for 6 mths before I actually did it.

 

So really... it's just different for everybody.

[Siberia]

Hmm..that's the thing...our situation has been quite alike..except that I realized I don't stop loving people.

 

not good for me

[Siberia]

Scorpiogal, I hope you are feeling much stronger after NC. The bad feelings will subside soon, in another month or so.

[ScorpiGal83]

Definitely... maybe your first love was a waaay better, more suitable person for you than my first love?

 

Every situation is as different as the people involved... so while a lot of advice can apply to lots of people, it can't apply to everyone.

[ScorpiGal83]

Scorpiogal, I hope you are feeling much stronger after NC. The bad feelings will subside soon, in another month or so.

 

Haha.. I hope so! I have more drama to deal with in the coming months because I am planning to move to his country (not because of him, but unfortunately he will be there)..

 

I have always wanted to go back there, with or without him, and i'm worried about how things will be because we have a lot of mutual friends there.. I'm speaking of course of the guy I just got dumped by... he is a nice person, genuine, warm, but i suppose our relationship was proving too much to someone who wasn't sure what he wanted in life...

 

*sigh*

[Siberia]

yes *sigh* though sometimes love is not enough Relationship is a funny beast. Also, with time, a lot changes. That is why I hope people can use break-up as a source of positive change in their lives, and believe that future has many hidden surprises, all of which are impossible to predict at this point. Because of my first break-up, I grew tremenduously as a person. Would never wish that undone. Now with the second break-up, I am prepared for the same.

[Siberia]

Scorpiogal,

 

Sounds like only space and time--a real break-up with NC--can make your relationship go to the next level, if it is meant to be. Good thing is you like him as a person. Even though the relationship may have run aground. So this is the perfect opportunity to be apart. If you are moving to his country though, may it not be better to still keep your distance from him? I'd say at least for 6 months.

 

I'd be posting more about a book I read yesterday, one which people on ENA have been talking about--Make up Don't Break up. It would be especially relevant in your case, knowing the little background I have about your break-up. Will post separately about that.

[ScorpiGal83]

Scorpiogal,

 

Sounds like only space and time--a real break-up with NC--can make your relationship go to the next level, if it is meant to be. Good thing is you like him as a person. Even though the relationship may have run aground. So this is the perfect opportunity to be apart. If you are moving to his country though, may it not be better to still keep your distance from him? I'd say at least for 6 months.

 

I'd be posting more about a book I read yesterday, one which people on ENA have been talking about--Make up Don't Break up. It would be especially relevant in your case, knowing the little background I have about your break-up. Will post separately about that.

 

I was thinking the same thing. I plan to go to his country sometime in June or July, but don't want to really see him again til later in the year when I feel stronger and ready. However it might be hard due to our mutual friends. But I'll manage.

[canali]

"make up don't breakup" doesn't apply for many couples of course ....a lot of couples breakup for good because despite repeated attempts at reconciliation or extended reflective time apart they discover that they're truly done...finished...kaput ....after 7 long months of largely self imposed hell I'm finally moving to a whole new mindset of acceptance...still have sadness but not as before ...thank god! (therapy mindfulness meditation reading no booze Buddhism yoga etc have all helped...trying to enlarge my social support circle helps too cause it sucked before) ... I am grateful for having had the time with my ex (2 years) and the many lessons learned... but in the end we weren't compatible...I don't expect her to come back either (she was the dumper...she finally firmly kicked my ass to the curb after repeat letters of regret from me ie the 'if only' letters style) ....I do think down the road we could be friends...but for now this period of rejuvenation is all about me and getting my power back in even better ways ...in the final analysis the only person we should strive to 'win back' IMO is not our ex but is instead ourselves in a healthier state of being .....can anyone relate?

[IMAbadman]

truly a great thread.

[barrakuda]

after reading the whole thing I have to say it was one of the best threads I've read. I learned a lot.

[LillyLooWho]

Yeah, it's got a lot of insight

[toflyforreal]

this thread is really inspiring to me, having just been involved with a best friend who broke up with me, thinking it wasn't meant to be.

 

its nice to know that if you love, truly love someone, it doesn't matter what kind of space and time you take apart.

 

i know that me staying 100% away from him right now is for the best. he is going out and doing new things, figuring out who he is without me around.

 

and I am doing the same.

 

and the universe will correct itself. *omm*

[sage_1]

This extremely helpful thread deserves another bump.

[progression50]

Big bump for mr soand so!!!!

[Hopesfall]

wow.

 

I can't believe how much I just learned. This has been the best thing I've read on here to date, and I skim through old threads quite a bit.

 

Not only does MrSoandSo offer great advice, but actually understanding the dumpers perspective through Siberia is just what I needed.

 

I honestly wish I would have found this site sooner. It's helped me in so many ways I can't even begin to describe, and I've only been here for a few days!!!

 

No Contact is hard, no question about it. As a dumpee, I really feel like I have to take a step back and evaluate my situation rather than act on impulse and emotion.

Being alone and NC help with that.

Even though it feels like my heart is in a vice, I know I still have my dignity and I'm giving my ex the space she needs, be it months or forever.

It's time to move forward and really focus on me growing as a person.

 

Thanks for this.

[WhatSetsUs]

I just wanted to say that Hopesfall was a great band.

 

But also lol, youre right, NC can truly change how you think about things, and can really cause you to grow as a person. I know in the time I spent in NC that I learned more about myself that at any other time in my life, and I've mature greatly from it. Like you, I need to learn to move forward and focus solely on me and not my ex anymore.