Need Help, Don't know what to do

[CollegeSoccer]

My gf recently broke up with me. We have been in a serious long distance relationship and we both love each other. The reason that she broke up with me is not because there was anything wrong with the relationship or me, but because she feels that she needs to be alone for awhile to find who she is because she has not been single for the last five years and is now going into college.

 

She says that she loves me and she is not looking for another relationship by any means and that she wants to be with me when she feels she can. She also says that I'm the only guy she wants to be with and marry and that if she doesn't marry me then she will not. Also, she knows that she may lose me and is worried about it but she still feels like it is something that she needs to do right now.

 

I still love her and I believe her because she is upset as much as I am with this but she doesn't want to risk missing something. She knows that we can't act like a couple now but still wants to be friends and stay in touch until she feels she can be in a relationship.

 

My problem is, I want to be friends because, like i said, I still love her. But I also know that if something comes up I can't wait around forever and she knows that too. I just want her to come around because I think she is just scared and confused, like a lot of people are, because she is going to college next year. And I can't support her like I used to if we're just friends obviously, but I'm afraid that if I don't she will think I don't care about her anymore.

 

Could really use some advice and some of your thoughts on the situation. And I'm sorry about the long story but I really need some help. Thanks in advance.

[Guest]

Good relationships include the compartment of honesty. If this is how you feel, you must tell her all you typed here, to her. It is important that she tells you how she feels as well, incorporate it as a conversation, not a lopsided ventilation of your feelings between the two of you.

 

If you feel a certain way, you must act on your feelings. Having them linger is unhealthy, in that there will be a growing pain within you for her. Since you love her, and she you, the right thing to do is to stay together. Perhaps this is just a gap that you may need closing, because relationships have problems, and walking away at times is not the solution. If she is confused she should just say so. It is important for her to work with you on this in that she may not be able to find the right words. Mixed thoughts can be like a slot machine in that there are many thoughts she has, and she just might go ahead and say what comes up from her ricocheting ideas (confusion), but she may not mean what she says. Maybe give her time to collect her thoughts.

 

Respect her decision, she may just need to think things through as a young woman alone.

 

Lastly, I bid you not worry too much, I am going through an almost identical situation, so I speak from experience...

[CollegeSoccer]

Hey thanks man, I really needed an outside source to tell me not to worry. Like I said, I know she loves me and she may even come around when she sorts things out, but for now it's just confusing.

 

Another question. If she says she loves me when we get off the phone, as she's already called me since the break up, do I say it back? Again, I don't want to give her the benefits of a relationship and hurt myself, but I don't want to scare her off.

[askthet]

Bro, this is the same line of BS that I was fed a few months ago. At first those words like she still loves you and won't get married if it's not to you is comforting. The reality is if a woman likes you she wants to be with you. This whole thing about her wanting time to figure out who she is without you is just her letting you down easy. She continues to contact you because she needs an emotional filler while she waits for the next guy. I know this is all horrible to think about but the truth will set you free. After my break up I was determined to figure out why so many break up excuses given by women are the exact same, could it be possible that they are all programmed to say the same things because they can't come straight out and say that they want to date other people. Troll around some other posts and you'll see alot of similarities. I got lucky enough to stumble to link removed and got drawn into some of Doc Love's articles and he will certainly shed some light on your situation. The truth hurts man this I know very much, I didn't want to believe any of it at first but it will also set you free.

[ezious]

CollegeSoccer,

 

Do you really believe that BS? I love you and want to marry you, but I don't want to date you? Look at it objectively. Take yourself out of the relationship, and truly read her actions -- forget about her words.

 

I know how much it hurts. But this girl broke up with you because she doesn't want the relationship anymore. People in love do not just end relationships. She has thought about this for a while.

 

She doesn't know who she is? You were in a long distance relationship. It's not like you were together all the time. She had all the time to meet new friends, socialize, and experience life. You can also discover who you are with someone. This is one of the biggest BS lines given when ending relationships.

 

People end relationships because they don't want to be in them. It's a very painful truth, but I never healed until I truly realized this.

 

She says she wants to be with you when she can. Meaning she wants to look for other relationships and see what's out there, but if she's feeling lonely then she can call you. Some women (and men)... Unbelievable.

 

The best thing you can do right now is read her actions and realize that, for now, this girl does not want you. You need to move on with your life, and go NC for the first while. If she realizes the relationship with you is what she wanted later on, and you have FULLY healed, and still want her back, then give it a try. But don't count on this. You need to move on and make sure you're fully healed so that you can make rational decisions.

 

This girl is full of BS lines.

[Pixiedoc]

This kind of language goes for guys too - my partner of 2 years said he just didn't want the pressure of being in a relationship any more, his space etc and that after living on his own for 10 years before meeting me, he realised he just wants to live alone for the rest of his life. So he's not making space for another relationship (and I believe him) and we are still (at the moment) close friends.

 

I agree that if someone doesn't want to stay in touch, as friends or by having no contact, they want to make the break more permanent than they perhaps say, and saying 'I love you' can genuinely be trying to let you down gently. Or it could be she feels guilty. It doesn't mean the same as it did before though - that she is IN love with you.

 

It's impossible to tell exactly what she's thinking though and I agree you could be open and honest about your feelings with her - and move on afterwards depending on her response.