Am I insensitive?

[bzborow1]

Hi guys,

 

I'm living with a woman I've dated a couple of years, and I have a question as to whether I'm being perhaps too insensitive. My spouse is in Med School and is having trouble getting out of bed every day. There is a history of depression, as well as her hating winter...yadda, yadda.

 

Basically she thinks as BF it is my responsibility to ensure she gets out of bed every day. If I wake up in the morning, and notice she doesn't get up I am supposed to wake her up. So every day, I wake up, then wake her up (to her yelling because she's being forced to get up). The way I see it, there's nothing wrong with helping on the occasion, but we are talking every day. Somehow it's my responsibility to ensure she gets up.

 

I am not her mother, I am her spouse. Yet I feel what is being asked of me is essentially to be her mother and ensure she goes to school. So I'm also conflicted because in an argument she'll say she feels like a child. What am I supposed to do?

 

The way I see it is I'm perfectly able to help her get up now and then, but it is not my responsibility she get off her a__ every morning and out the door to school. Thoughts?

[alli]

I can be like that; I'm a half-dead zombie in the morning! My bf used to get me up occassionally. She is depending on you for this because you are there. There are a few things you can do. Be somewhere else at the time she is supposed to get up. Go for a run or take a shower or something. She will get up if she knows she is the only one there who can get her ass out of bed. If you can't be somewhere else, then turn on the lights, open the blinds, gently shake her shoulder a few times & rub her back a couple times, then leave the room with the lights on & go to work. Set another (louder) alarm to go off shortly after you leave. Any time you are startled awake, you pretty much stay awake!

[JohnGalt]

I'm in law school and it is extremely difficult for me to get up in the mornings. My ex fiance who was also in law school would wake up and wake me up with a nice kiss. I would just put the covers back over my head and then after she got a shower, she'd wake me up for good. I always enjoyed it.

 

Of course, your GF should get out of bed herself, but I don't see any harm in waking her up. You shouldn't have to force her to get out of bed though. If she doesn't want to go to class, then let her fail.

[odile]

Med school is extremely grueling, and even someone who is typically o.k. with mornings might find keeping such a rigorous schedule to be quite exhausting.

Tack on the fact that she is depressive/has trouble with winter, and I think that this could be quite a challenge for her.

 

When one is undertaking a demanding endeavor it's nice to feel supported.

 

Imagine that you had a car, and your girlfriend's job was on the route that you took every morning.

Would you offer her a lift, or insist that she take the bus?

 

If you have to get up in the mornings, and don't have difficulty doing it, then it seems that helping her get up before you leave is a nice gesture.

Waking her should not be your responsibility, per se, so if you should try to wake her and she decides to go back to sleep then you are certainly not to blame.

But it does seem such a little thing to ask, that if you can offer help where possible, I can't see why you wouldn't.

 

Actually, I think you could be more generous about this.

For example, if you both drink coffee, it might be a good idea to invest in a coffee maker with a built-in timer. The smell of the fresh brew will help you both in the mornings.

When you roll out of bed, and pour two cups; one for yourself, and one for your S.O.

Bring hers to the bedroom, and put it on her nightstand.

If you have time to spare (like, if you typically linger over your coffee in the mornings), you might even enjoy doing this in the bedroom, and in a sense, starting the day together. She might still be half-groggy by the time you have to leave, but it will do the trick.

And you'll find it's such a nice way to start a day.

 

Little things like this can make such a difference.

[bzborow1]

Thanks for your response! I will try that!

[mca1975]

My boyfriend has to coax me out of bed in the mornings too, which I see as quite caring, even though its annoying at the time. But I don't rely on him to do it, but then again I'm not at Med School!

[bzborow1]

To be fair she hasn't exactly been THAT busy. A sample day might have her in two classes, followed by a couple of hours of studying, at which point she's usually sleeping by the time I get back from work (8-5). At which I usually do all the cooking...

 

Of course there are other days she's up past midnight.