penelope13 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 quick background: a few years ago I reconnected with a friend from highschool who I hadn't spoken to in nearly 10 years. When we remet, he was in a LDR. It took quite some time for him to admit to and me to understand that this relationship has a very emotionally abusive nature (she towards him). When I discovered that I had started to develop feelings for him, I told him that it is impossible for me to remain his friend and give him any kind of advice, since neither one of us could be sure that whatever I said to him would be truly unbiased. I struggled with the feeling of guilt for having left him without support in trying to resolve his destructive relationship, but I was convinced that I had no other choice. The last time we spoke (a few months back) I told him that I could not be a part of his life, and that it was up to him to decide if he wanted to stay in this relationship (and find a way to be happy with her) or if he wanted to end it. Either way, he would have to do it without me and that he should not contact me before he has made up his mind. For months I haven't heard from him until saturday, where he used my birthday as an occasion to contact me via email. For once I am at a total loss about how to react to that. My thoughts/ concerns: - I don't want to budge about him having to decide by himself if he wants to stay in the relationship with the other person - I don't want to come over too harsh (by sticking to NC or by answering in a very detached manner), in case he actually has made a choice and he is trying to tell me This is what he emailed beside the b'day wishes: "There are so many things that I would like to tell you, but we will do this another day... today is yours, you should just enjoy it" This is what I am currently intending to send back (I got his email on saturday, so I think if I react at all, it has to be by the end of today): "Thanks for the wishes. If things have changed for you in the meantime, of course I would like to know." What do you guys think, I would really appreciate some other point of views. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Well you know what you want, and what you can and cannot handle. you've made it clear to him that you cannot be friends while he is with the other woman, and your last msg was clear, that if his relationhsip situation has changed (meaning ended), that you'd be glad to hear from him. so I think it's good. you know your limits, they are known to him. the fact that he contacted you on your birthday means he cares about you, but was he otherwise respecting your wish for NC? I don't know if he really misses you as a friend or if he has feelings for you, his msg seemed pretty heart felt... but who can interpret such a little msg... I'm wondering though (and for myself as well)... when is it time to put our feelings first and when is it time to put them aside a little, in order to be there in support of a friend ? though the problem with that relationhsip... is it is such a complex interplay of 2 people interacting, etc., can you really know for sure that it is emotionally abusive and if you tell him so, it may only drive him further into denial. so does he need your support and friendship right now (and could you offer it with no ulterior motives / conseqiences on your emotional health) or does he need to help himself and find help from a less biased, emotionally charged, source? it's hard to know... what has he said about all this and his needs? anyway, you'll make the right decisions. most important, you will learn from all this. take care of your heart... Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I reread your post, ... about this: "For once I am at a total loss about how to react to that. My thoughts/ concerns: - I don't want to budge about him having to decide by himself if he wants to stay in the relationship with the other person - I don't want to come over too harsh (by sticking to NC or by answering in a very detached manner), in case he actually has made a choice and he is trying to tell me." I just wanted to add... I think you are right, he needs to decide by himself and not influenced by his knowledge of your feelings (and perhaps his own, as he may have some feelings for you other than plain friendship)... and anyway, even if he did leave her, it doesn't sound like he'd be ready for a new relationship... so i'd really focus on not hoping for more than friendship for quite a while. I don't thikn you need to be detached. you cna set clear boundaries and yet sound warm and enpathetic. you can tell him the truth about your feleings yet have some detachement to protect yourslef. He will know how you feel and then it is his responsibility to come to you should he want to. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 1MC, thanks for your responses. He has respected my wish for NC apart from the b'day email. He was very upset when I initially told him that I want to go NC. I know he has feelings for me, which just encouraged me to go NC even more. I know that the relationship is abusive, since he kept telling me that he has tried for 2 years to break up, but she always managed to guilt him into continuing. His story sounds like that of many on this board who have described being in abusive relationships. Like you said, I have been struggling more with the thought that maybe I am the selfish one in this situation, because I hope in the far future things might work out between us, so that I cannot be the one who helps him to get out of this relationship now. - Maybe I should just put all of my wishes aside and just be there for him. But then I realized, people have to live their own lives, make their own mistakes, and realize themselves if they want to change something about themselves - you can't do it for them. You can only be there for them when they ask you for help. Another reason why I went NC is that I realized that he would always call me when he was really down and when he needed emotional support. This support was just enough to give him enough "strength" to go back to another round of emotional roller coaster with her, since he started to expect that I would be there afterwards to pick him up (emotionally). As much as I want to be his friend, I cannot enable him in this and keep watching him in this destructive cycle. Nevertheless I never told him that he should break up with her, since I feel it's not my place to do so. I just tried to make him see how illogical/ irrational/ emotionally unhealthy their way of communication is. When I went NC i told him not to contact him me unless he has sorted out this situation in either one of two options: a) finding/ improving the way they are both communicating with each other and finding happiness with her b) or ending it, because she is not the one I never indicated that just because he would break up with her, we would be together. As you said, he will need a long time to heal from this relationship before he can even think of dating anyone, let alone start a serious relationship. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Penelope, I think you are doing the right thing for the both of you. I think you are an intelligent, caring and strong person. I really hope there is a great outcome of happiness and inner peace for the both of you. I think you are right he needs to find his solutions to this. you cannot rescue him, that would be codependent and could mean nothing good for a possible future relationship between the 2 of you. hang in there, you sound like you re on the right tract. It must be hard and sad for you at times. take care Link to comment
penelope13 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 1MC thanks for all your support! Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Is there any way you could help him without helping him? What I mean is that you say you couldn't give him truly unbiased info, but there are PDFs and things like that about abusive relationships that you can send him. It won't necessarily reflect your opinion, but it will state the facts about the situation he's in, and not from your own mouth. Link to comment
stella74 Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Penelope, I think you see this really clearly and I'm in complete support of how you're handling this! I will excerpt and bold some of the things you wrote which I think are right on target: "I know he has feelings for me, which just encouraged me to go NC even more." "But then I realized, people have to live their own lives, make their own mistakes, and realize themselves if they want to change something about themselves - you can't do it for them. You can only be there for them when they ask you for help." "I realized that he would always call me when he was really down and when he needed emotional support." "As much as I want to be his friend, I cannot enable him in this and keep watching him in this destructive cycle." Re-read those statements. You're doing the right thing. The bottom line is this: You can't enable him, you can't be there for him unless he is willing and able to take steps to help himself by leaving her and you can't be in a situation that will lead to an emotional affair. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 "... you can't be in a situation that will lead to an emotional affair." ya that's true... and i that the direction it was gonna take? or wasn't it that already? take care, I admire you. Link to comment
top bloke Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Good on you penelope.You are very respectful of him her and yourself in this situation. Good choices..good luck. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Is there any way you could help him without helping him? What I mean is that you say you couldn't give him truly unbiased info, but there are PDFs and things like that about abusive relationships that you can send him. It won't necessarily reflect your opinion, but it will state the facts about the situation he's in, and not from your own mouth. I think this is just semantics, if I send him something, essentially I am saying it. I had once talked about emotional abusive in respect to someone else to him (at the time I didn't even know the dynamics of his relationship), and he mentioned something like: "wow, that really rings a bell" - so it's not that he is not somehow aware of it, but he is choosing to ignore it. I'm sure once he gets to the point it wouldn't even take him a minute to find appropriate help/ books/ internet sites., since whenever there is a subject he becomes interested in he would take initiative to become more knowledgeable about it. "... you can't be in a situation that will lead to an emotional affair." ya that's true... and i that the direction it was gonna take? or wasn't it that already? see that's where I have difficulty with: where does an emotional affair start and where does it stop? So I chose not to take any risks and just cut him out of my life for the time being.. Thanks everyone for your kind words. Doing the right thing can be so hard sometimes. Link to comment
top bloke Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Thanks everyone for your kind words. Doing the right thing can be so hard sometimes. Doing the wrong thing is easy but is harder to deal with. Good luck Tb Link to comment
Seymore Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I hear you, penelope. If you were to even give him unbiased literature, it would still be you reaching out, and that's risky. Link to comment
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