amyjb Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I just don't get it. I have been married to my husband for 14 years, 6 months ago he informs me his feelings changed for me and he is "in love" with somebody else, a 24 yo that he met online playing a game. He tells me those feelings changed for me before he "met" this girl. I didn't notice any emotional detachment until he had something going on with her. Don't you think someone would notice if their spouse's feelings had changed for them if it happened a while back? So he tells me these things, I go through 2 1/2 months of bs with him, then he wants to work it out. Mind you, he still talked to this other girl after he told me about all of this and lied to me about it. So for 4 months, I am on cloud 9, thinking he loves me, wants me, and feeling it. We were doing it. We were laughing, smiling, kissing, making love, all of it was so passionate, and he admits it was. Then bam, I get it again. He misses her and still has feelings for her. But she doesn't have anything to do with this. He tell me he loves me and wants me to be happy, but he feels like something something is missing. He can't say he wants to spend his life with me, that he loves me that way, etc. So I tell him just to say it is over and he starts crying saying he doesn't want it to be over. Part of him wants this because he loves me and he doesn't like the reality of us divorcing. Hell, he doesn't know what he wants. And does he make my days crazy. It is flat out emotional abuse really. He isn't doing it intentionally, but it's happening. For example, here is how my day with him went yesterday. I get up, he is going off to a job interview, and he spends a few mins with me before he goes, kisses me bye. I find a note from him in the kitchen that says he misses me and a smiley face on it. I get a call from him when he gets there just to say he was there and an I love you, then I go to get on my laptop and he had written I love you on notepad so as soon as I open it up, that is what I see. Then he calls me to tell me he is on his way home, he comes home, climbs in the bed with me. I tell him how bad I wish he would kiss me and make love to me, so he does it. Then we go off to lunch together, he sits next to me, acts affectionate towards me. Then tells me again when we get home that he just can't say those things he should for me. I cry, he cries, I get mad, and in the middle of that, he says I love you so much. Then I need to get out of the house, he follows me to my car, sits in it with me, tells me he loves me again, kisses my hand, touches me, etc. I leave and he goes shopping for my birthday. Then at some point he sends me a text saying hi with a smiley face. Then he comes home, comes to me while I am on the phone, kisses my hand, says hi, kisses me on my head, blah blah blah. And it goes on like this day after day, he wants me, he doesn't want me, he wants me, he doesn't want me. I took my wedding rings off at one point last night, he puts them back on. I tell him I want a divorce, he says let's not rush into anything. What in the hell is he doing?? He must be one confused person inside. Link to comment
EQD Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 God just let this guy go. he's probably going to jerk you around about this until you get tired of it and leave him or he decides not to come back. alot of times when infidelity is going on in a cheaters mind they will actually feel like the feelings they had for you werent legitimate. so in his mind this is true, because it doesnt make him feel as guilty for messing around with a 20 something. Dont stick around and be his backburner option, you are his WIFE and you dont deserve this kind of disservice that he is doing you. confused or not. I'd tell him counselling or divorce. Link to comment
top bloke Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 This guy has issues!! You are a woman not a yoyo. He has to decide finally what he wants. He cant want both of you.He needs psychologoic help or what he really seems to need is to be let go. He has no right to treat you that way. Link to comment
KG Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 To quote... Counselling or divorce." Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 the only way to stop this is to either leave or call a marriage counselor. he sounds like he's going thru a mid life crisis kind of thing... he likes the security of the marriage and probably loves you, but at the same time is having those 'is this all there is to life' questions that mid life crises stimulate. he wants to recapture the carefree youth of video games and young girls, but recognizes what he'd have to give up (you) to do that, and he doesn't want to give either idea up. So if he's not being the adult here, you need to be. Schedule a marriage counseling appointment, and tell him he must attend or you're throwing him out. Then when you get into the counselor, tell him you don't want to hear any more of his talk about this other girl, and if he needs to talk about it or his uncertainties about it, he can get individual counseling with the marriage counselor and talk about it to them, not you. It never ceases to amaze me how people in affairs (emotional or otherwise) expect their wives to listen to them ramble about how much they miss some other woman. you need to remind him you're his wife, not his mother, and you don't want/need to hear that! The counselor will straighten him out on what is appropriate to discuss with you and about how he can't keep jerking you around like this. They can also help with the mid life crisis thing too, and on ways to rebuild your marriage (if that is what he wants to do). Sometimes you do need a separation from him, where he's out of the house, away from the stability and comfort and access to you, so that he gets to really experience what he is playing with here... life without you. And you have to be pretty strong about that, and not cut him any slack in terms of being a security blanket for him while he chases someone else. He either is in the marriage or out, and if he wants to be in, he needs to totally cut off this other person and attend marriage counseling with you until it is no longer an issue. Link to comment
amyjb Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 I get all of those things, but here is my problem. I am totally screwed. I am a 33 year old woman, with 2 children, one who has Aspergers (high functioning Autism), no career (always stayed home with our children), and no school. To top it off, he lost his job 6 months ago, we have just about gone through every cent we have, we have no health insurance. Gee.... lots of drama in my life right now, huh? So how do I kick him out or leave when we have no money???? Now he will get a job at some point and when he does, he makes good money. He gives me that dance that if this doesn't work out, he will make sure I am ok financially. Yeah right. I can trust him, right? Ha. Link to comment
EQD Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 you can get alot of alimony out of him when he does get a job. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 There are free counseling services or sliding scale/ability to pay services available... check with your county social services organization to see if you can get a referral. most universities also have free counseling available. It will not be an option for him to walk away financially short of going on the lam... if he chooses to leave he will most likely have to pay both spousal support and child support. What you need to do now then is focus on the most important task... him finding a job. If he brings this other woman subject up again and gets emotional, just tell him he doesn't have to decide what he wants to do right now, he should just focus on getting work. Tell him you both need a break from this discussion, so to please not bring it up for a while until you've solved your biggest problem which is finding work and supporting the family. Suggest that you both just leave the topic alone until after he finds a job and then you can decide what to do. Link to comment
NowandZen Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 The 24 yo is filling an emotional need for him. I have no idea what it is. The two of you will have to talk it out. Link to comment
helpme11111 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 the only way to stop this is to either leave or call a marriage counselor. he sounds like he's going thru a mid life crisis kind of thing... he likes the security of the marriage and probably loves you, but at the same time is having those 'is this all there is to life' questions that mid life crises stimulate. he wants to recapture the carefree youth of video games and young girls, but recognizes what he'd have to give up (you) to do that, and he doesn't want to give either idea up. This was my thoughts exactly. Do all people experience some sort of midlife crisis? OR are alot of people able to work through them without any sort of confusion?? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I think everyone experiences them to some degree... but not all of them involve infidelity or wanting to leave the family... Some people run out and buy a hot sports car or decide to take up sky diving. There are positive ways to re-invent yourself, and negative ways. Link to comment
helpme11111 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I think everyone experiences them to some degree... but not all of them involve infidelity or wanting to leave the family... Some people run out and buy a hot sports car or decide to take up sky diving. There are positive ways to re-invent yourself, and negative ways. haha, well hopefully when and if I ever reach that point in my life maybe I will just dump more money into the toys I enjoy these days at the age of 25. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 He lost his job six months ago...sounds like it was around the same time he started "falling in love" with this 24 year old. Was he laid off from his job due to budget cuts or was he exhibiting some unpredictable behaviour patterns which caused him to lose his job? The 24 year old is his diversion from life and life's problems. He is trying to recapture his youth and escape from the harsh realities of job loss, financial problems and family life which is more difficult because of having a child with Aspergers. His lovey dovey behaviour with you is completely over the top...he is overcompensating and therefore it is not sincere..that is why he does this dance. The two of you need some marriage counselling..the problem is that costs money. You might want to find out what is available through the religious institution you belong to. You can't keep living like this..and right now the dire financial situation makes it harder for you to leave. What I would suggest is that you start looking for a job so that you can get out and earn your own money...make sure you are self-sufficient, in case this marriage does end at some point down the road. Link to comment
NowandZen Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 This was my thoughts exactly. Do all people experience some sort of midlife crisis? OR are alot of people able to work through them without any sort of confusion?? I was talking to the wife about this subject this morning. I REFUSE to let it be a crisis. Who needs it? Link to comment
amyjb Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 No, he isn't on any SSRI's. I don't know what the hell is going on. I am just becoming so numb to it all. I can't even look him in the eyes anymore. Link to comment
amyjb Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 More craziness. All I can say is wow. It is just mind blowing. I left this past weekend to go to my family's for a birthday get together for me. We were all supposed to go, but my husband didn't want to be around anybody he said. He was in a real funk all that day. So I told him off again, told him I was done with this. That I am so sick and tired of this crap. I get in the car with my children to leave and he comes over to me and whispers in my ear how he loves me and he will make me happy, while being teary eyed. I start to leave and noticed him go sit in our other car. I pull back in, went over to him, and he is sitting there crying. Then tells me again he doesn't have enough love for me. Whatever. I leave and a hour later he sends me a text saying he was sorry. I briefly talk to him later that night and as we get off the phone he tells me he loves me. Then the next day I get a text when he gets up saying good morning, then text through out the day. At some point in the evening, he sends me a text saying he hadn't heard from me in a while, wanted to know what I was up to. I told him my family was going bowling and he asked if it was at a specific place and I told him yes, not thinking anything about it. So here I am in the bowling alley with my family, and the next thing I know, someone is covering my eyes. I turned around and it was him! He drove 3 1/2 hours to be there. He can't stand going to my family's house. He doesn't have much for them. So there he is, not liking my family, knowing that they know what is going on between us. He told me a few times over the weekend how happy he was that he came, was kissing on me, hugging me tight, wanting to have sex with me, etc. I just don't get it. If he really doesn't have that kind of love for me, then why is he doing those things? I told him if he doesn't, let's just get divorced, which he doesn't want to do. We go from him saying he doesn't have enough love for me to a hour later him grabbing me and tell me how he loves me while crying. We go from him saying he doesn't have enough love for me to a hour later him holding me, wanting to kiss me and have sex with me. I don't get it. Link to comment
EQD Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 uh.. sounds like you both need to see a marital counsellor. pronto. i seriously think he is confused and you both need help through this. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 At this point he sounds mentally unstable. I think you need to do both of you a favor and schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tell him that going is non-negotiable, that he must go or you'll leave him. Link to comment
ratfreak Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Is there family or friends you could stay with that could help you while you walk away from this man? Someone could help you care for the kids while you work part time and fight for alimony! If he's done this one, he WILL do it again. By going back and forth, not only is he tearing you apart, but shows no respect for how you feel. Link to comment
Pr0vocative Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 This must be hard, I mean extremely hard but why live life so unhappy with someone when with alot of searching you could have someone perfect? Marrige counselling get him to go to individual counselling and just remember you're worth something Link to comment
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