I'm wondering why he would say that when he dumped me!

[1MoreChance]

I asked my ex (6 months apart now) the other day: "are you ok with me calling you as a friend?" (I called him to say hi but just wanted to make sure he was ok with that, tho he always said he wants to stay friends). He told me : "for now a text once in a while to see how we are doing is ok, but I'm not ready to be friends because I still have feelings and memories (about us)".

 

He dumped me so I am confused. I am starting to finally feel better and think that maybe we are not a good match *for now* (I have issues to work out and he needs to finish high school and move out of mom's place). I basically think I need to require more from my own SELF before I get involved in a relationship with anyone. Right thinking?

 

I DO want to stay friends tho. I truly care about him and think we add value to each other's lives as friends. He recently told me he regrets breaking up but is too scared to be with me. I respect that. But why not friends? why still feelings and memories that make it too hard? before I let go he never wanted to get back together. He dumped me!

 

I am getting my hair cut by him at the salon today (he accepted to do it and in the past he cried with relief and joy when I told him I wanted to keep him as my hair stykist) and he called me yesterday and said "I can't wait". we were both happy about it. But from what he said he is not ready to be friends. I DO love him and I want him to be happy.

 

I'm confused

[purpleduckie]

he can't be friends because he still has feelings for you. feelings are hard to deal with when you're not over someone... seeing them as friends would make it either awkward and heartbreaking or you'll just get into a couple routine which defeats the purpose of the break up in the first place.

 

respect his wishes and don't push it! do it for yourself too. it must be hard on you as well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like you have not accepted that it is over and you are hanging on to any little thing that can keep you in his life. He may still love you but he realizes a relationship is not the best. If I remember he is quite a bit younger than you and at a completely different stage in his life. If you really want him to be happy then you would honour his request not to be friends and you would give him space to heal his heart. Getting your hair cut by him is just dredging things up again and I am sure you can get an equally good hair cut from someone else.

[1MoreChance]

It sounds to me like you have not accepted that it is over and you are hanging on to any little thing that can keep you in his life. He may still love you but he realizes a relationship is not the best. If I remember he is quite a bit younger than you and at a completely different stage in his life. If you really want him to be happy then you would honour his request not to be friends and you would give him space to heal his heart. Getting your hair cut by him is just dredging things up again and I am sure you can get an equally good hair cut from someone else.

 

I do want him to be happy and he is ok with the hair cut thing. He is the one who said "I can't wait". Should I expect so little of him as to think that he is incapable of speaking his mind and telling me "no I don't wish to have any contact with you"? should I call him now and tell him someone online, has told me that I do not truly wish to respect him?

 

No I haven't accepted it 100% but I am well on my way. I do too, if you read my post again, think a relationship as a couple is not best at this point.

 

I guess in your eyes I don't truly care about him being happy otherwise I wouldn't bother him at all. and he is the all wise one who says he needs space to heal his heart (while I have no such wisdom) but yet, cannot find the strength to make it clear. I don't buy that, I actually think more of him than that. it's easy to be hard on people but it's not so easy to be experiencing a situation.

 

my question was regarding why he has all along been clear that he wants to stay friends, "cannot wait" for me to come get my hair cut, and yet has made a claim, as the dumper, that he is now not ready to be friends cause he still has "feelings and memories". I think youre wrong to assume about "if I really wanted him to be happy, I would or I wouldn't...".

 

If I remember correctly from another post, you are not in a relationhsip and do not think you will get into one? It's easy to judge others...

[blackgnat]

I'm confused, too.

 

Your deets say that you are 36, but that your guy has yet to "finish high school". Am I reading this wrong? If not, what's the age difference?

[1MoreChance]

I'm confused, too.

 

Your deets say that you are 36, but that your guy has yet to "finish high school". Am I reading this wrong? If not, what's the age difference?

 

he's 14!

 

lol no he is gonna be 23 in a month. that's what I mean, he has issues to work out, personally and academically... he is really far behaind, a high school drop out, in adult high now and also works as a hair stylist.

[yellow_sweater]

Touchy, touchy. Methinks CAD has touched a nerve, a soft spot, perhaps a little bit of truth, eh?

 

Recommendation: keep the personal, snide remarks out of your responses if you want people to continue to respond to your threads. Especially when you're sniping about a person who gives very valuable advice to this community.

 

 

 

Getting back to your question. Why? Because feelings are complicated. Sometimes we feel one way, then our feelings evolve into something else.

 

Specifically, I think he used that line to hold you at arms length, since obviously you are not over the relationship. When I hear something like that, it doesn't sound like he is referencing his feelings and memories... rather, he is referencing yours. Especially if he were the one to end things. In fact, I said a similar thing to the guy I dated last (I was the one to end things). It was clear that he was NOT over me, and even though I wanted to see him and wanted to continue being friends, it was clear that he was bringing his feelings and memories into our interactions. We have yet to resume our friendship.

 

YS

[1MoreChance]

"Recommendation: keep the personal, snide remarks out of your responses if you want people to continue to respond to your threads. Especially when you're sniping about a person who gives very valuable advice to this community."

 

whatever... don't be so patronizing. she wasn't particularly friendly in her tone or commetns.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I suspect he is trying to be kind to you.

 

He may know that you still hope for more from him, and he is happy interacting with you in a very limited/controlled way so that you don't get your hopes up. So he is willing to see you as a hairstylist (controlled situation with others present and only an hour at most), where your relationship is clearly defined as a stylist/client one and no attempts at romance will occur. And a few texts now and again is also very controlled.

 

There are many times when the dumper knows they will never go back, and of course may have many feelings for you or they wouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. But they also know the relationship isn't right for them, so want to control the situation so that neither party attempts to fall back into something they feel is not right.

 

You also have to examine deep down whether your motivation is really to only be friends, or whether you are trying to worm your way back in again even though he doesn't want this. The fact that you are caveating what you are saying as 'for now' means you are still holding out hope for future. He may sense this, and if he doesn't want that, he will avoid much contact with you.

 

But keep in mind that as you age, due to the size of the age gap, your life stages get even more out of sync. In a few years you will be 40 and he'll only be mid 20s. So you are middle aged and he is still young. That is not impossible of course, but very rare to see a middle aged women with such a younger man. I know of some successful age gap relationships, but there is usually no more than 5-7 years between the couples ages.

 

I am not judging you at all as i have dated a man 7 years younger than me, but there was not such a large age gap as yours which is twice that much, and it was in our 30s and in same life phase. So your ex may see the reality that at this moment you are compatible, but soon you will be middle aged and he will still be young. He may feel it is just to large a gap to deal with for years into the future, and of course may avoid saying that to you to avoid making you feel old or otherwise rejected.

 

I'd just try to let him go if that is what he is trying to do, move on, and look for men in the age range of 30 and above who are more likely to be better long term partners for yourself.

[yellow_sweater]

"Recommendation: keep the personal, snide remarks out of your responses if you want people to continue to respond to your threads. Especially when you're sniping about a person who gives very valuable advice to this community."

 

whatever... don't be so patronizing. she wasn't particularly friendly in her tone or commetns.

 

Any comments on my OTHER advice as it pertains to your situation? ;-)

 

YS

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You took what I said completely out of context and threw a fit over it because you felt I was being mean. From your other post below it is clear this kind of behaviour contributed to the breakdown of your relationship:

 

 

 

 

I read your other posts about how you can't get motivated for anything, you can't follow through. I am not at all trying to be mean when I tell you that you need to fix yourself first and get your own life in order rather than trying to keep this dead end friendship going and trying to read meaning into all of his words. This is the problem with maintaining friendships with dumpers...the dumpee is always trying to find hidden meanings in words...there is overanalysis. This happens not just with you but with many others who are not over their ex and want to get back together.

[1MoreChance]

"Specifically, I think he used that line to hold you at arms length, since obviously you are not over the relationship. When I hear something like that, it doesn't sound like he is referencing his feelings and memories... rather, he is referencing yours. Especially if he were the one to end things. In fact, I said a similar thing to the guy I dated last (I was the one to end things). It was clear that he was NOT over me, and even though I wanted to see him and wanted to continue being friends, it was clear that he was bringing his feelings and memories into our interactions. We have yet to resume our friendship."

 

YS

 

He was talking about his feelings and memories.

if it's the other scenario, why would he turn it around? that I do not respect much. I don't really know what else to say. you gotta understand, he told me a month ago that he regrest leaving but that he was too scraed to stay. which I understand and respect. it's honest and I'm sure he has valid reasons. and then yesterday he calls and says "see you tomorrow? I can't wait." it is confusing and all the times I was a dumper - and I always was in all my other "long term relationships" (about 1 year each) - I didn't lead the person on like that (if that's what he's doing). why not say what you truly feel to the other? don't you respect them enough to know that they can handle the truth?

I would much rather hear the truth.

[1MoreChance]

You took what I said completely out of context and threw a fit over it because you felt I was being mean. From your other post below it is clear this kind of behaviour contributed to the breakdown of your relationship:

 

 

 

 

I read your other posts about how you can't get motivated for anything, you can't follow through. I am not at all trying to be mean when I tell you that you need to fix yourself first and get your own life in order rather than trying to keep this dead end friendship going and trying to read meaning into all of his words. This is the problem with maintaining friendships with dumpers...the dumpee is always trying to find hidden meanings in words...there is overanalysis. This happens not just with you but with many others who are not over their ex and want to get back together.

 

Look, CAD, I'm sorry if anything I said felt hurtful.

 

what I didn't apreciate is the fact that you told me "If you really want him to be happy, you would... (or wouldn't)..." It feels bad to hear that and you are making assumptions. what about having HIM take some responsibility for his words? and please, do not bring up this other post of mine. It's the second time that you do. I feel like YOU are overanalysing. I know u are trying to help. It's just that when you tell someone "If you really wanted him to be happy, you would..." , think about how it feels. I am perfectly aware of the fact that I must heal me and take care of me. Sometimes I go through bad PMS when I write stuff and I do have mental confusion and anxiety and depression during PMS. I can catastrophize things (hence be so hard on myself like the post where I talk about sabotaging myself etc.)... truth is I DO many good things for myself. I walk a good 2 hours a day (I am dog crazy too BTW and walk with my dog). Truth is I hate going to the gym where I am a member.

Is it a dead end friendship? I ask myself that. I ask myself pretty much everything and I am wondering whether my ex is being clear. Now I don't even remember what my original question was lol and I just decided to go to get my hair cut anyway and see how it goes. There is no way I am gonna take the stance "If I really want him to be happy I will let him heal his heart and stay away", when he is sending me mixed msgs about keeping in contact (saying "I can't wait", calling...)... how about he man up and accept that I should not be analysing and trying to figure out what he REALLY means... he needs to be clear... I think what I should do is ask myself what I am willing to accept and not accept (inclusing in words said and msgs given to me) and do what is best for me. In the meantime I will fall and get back up I guess. I am human.

[Fionnuala]

This seems pretty straightforward to me. He said he wanted to be friends, perhaps because he felt that way at the time, but now it feels like too much. Whether it's because he isn't completely over you (which is in line with what he said to you) or because he fears you aren't completely over him, or both, he's obviously just not ready. I don't think it's that unusual for one or both people to say they want to be friends at the beginning of the break up, but then once the reality sets in of what that means and how difficult it is to really do that, they take it back or decide they need more time before they can do it.

[annie24]

i do agree that this is one of these 'life stage' differences and it sounds like he cares for you, but knows that the relationship is a dead end. you said he is 23 - but the fact is, he still hasn't finished high school and he is still living with his mom. effectively, he IS 14! this is much different than dating a man who say, graduated college at 21 and has been working at a company for 2 years, a man who may be more settled. this 23 year old is not settled, he isn't ready to be in something real, to be a real bf to you, in the way that you need him to be a bf or a friend. it sounds like he has a lot of things to work on and being friends with an ex-gf isn't very helpful at this point to his progress.

 

i would let him go and focus on the future, find someone else to cut your hair, if you are still hanging onto this man. good luck

[lady00]

I think you should think about yourself, first and foremost. Sorry to those who might find this controversial, but after being dumped, you get to be selfish. Your ex does not have your best interests at heart. Not in a malicious way--but they are thinking about themselves. He has put himself first and will continue to do so (and more power to him) but you should do the same! I feel distressed seeing dumpees try to contort themselves into a pretzel to satisfy some desire on the part of their ex in hopes that it will get them back in their good graces (because I have done this and it leads nowhere good!). Clearly, he wants to have you around on his terms only. I do think that the reason he wants to do your hair is because he wants to have contact that is on his terms that satisfies some need that he has (not sure what that is...but clearly he wants that contact for some reason). I think you should find another hair stylist.

[1MoreChance]

thanks Lady I always appreciate your wisdom.