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its killing me and i cant stop!!


BCC123

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thank you for listening. its late on a saturday night and most my friends are out and im just bawling. i need advice

 

me and my ex (broke up with me a year ago) have been hanging out a lot lately, like everday this week except one. this has been happening ever since january. he says the nicest things to me like "ive realized that no other girl is ever worth ruining what u and me have" "im in love with you, lets have kids, lets get married" etc etc etc. and tonight hes going to a formal, im not worried about his date at all, idc. but he tells me that hes not getting with anyone and that he'll probably end up calling me and hanging out with me after the dance and blah blah blah and he has stopped responding to my texts since this afternoon. i only sent him one and he didnt respond and then i just texted him again and hes not responding

 

it breaks my heart, and i know im probably overreacting but i cant take it. i love him and i love to believe everything he says to me and i love spending time with him but its killing me.

 

he says things like we are pretty much in a relationship, dont get with other people cause im not, lets just be together. but today he goes "i DOUBT ill get with anyone" and he always says "probably, or usually, or doubt" or one of those words that leaves him a window to not be a total liar. idk if hes just being a complete a hole or if he really means it but idk likes to have fun? WHAT IS HE DOING ITS KILLING ME? im seriously 2 seconds away from getting in my car and driving around to find him

 

i told him its NOT okay if hes talking to other girls like interested in them talking, not like friends talking but its not okay for us to be hanging out and doing what were doing if he wants to still play around with other girls and he tells me not to worry

 

but WHY woulod he not respond if i have nothing to worry about? seriously in the past the only time he doesnt respond is when hes with other girls (he doesnt want to be texting me in front of them) and stuff like that. im getting so mad and im so frustrated!!! can someone calm me down? hes like 2 different people. i hate him and i love him.

 

sorry just venting

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Are you still broke up? Sounds like a person who doesn't know what he wants. Anyway, in my opinion love shouldn't make you feel the way you do...and if it does how do you like feeling that way? Loving someone shouldn't be painful. Please do yourself a favor and don't get back with him and his tall tales...honestly he is stringing you along, making you waste YOUR time, and at the same time doing as he wants while you sitting home pining for a guy out having a blast.

 

Come on.....have your own life and don't wait for him to decide if he wants to be with you or doing his own thing...wait for nobody, EVER!

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"We're pretty much in a relationship so don't get with anyone etc etc..." doesn't cut it for me. Now maybe if you're a dish rag that's acceptable, but I'm going to assume you're asking for help because you're not happy hanging in the kitchen folded neatly in half.

 

Tonight is tonight, if you think this relationship has hope then let it pass and start sorting things out afterward. If you're fed up and want to make a scene and screw up his night (and yours) then head on out and find him. Drive safe, though, emotions are dangerous behind the wheel.

 

As for your life after this night, as I was saying, it's choice time for you both. If you can respect yourself enough to look at him straight and say "hey, we're on or we're OFF" then I suggest you muster up the words. Be aware of the possible outcomes, though, and yes, you have to be ready to actually walk when it comes to calling the bluff.

 

If you don't think your backbone is there and it'll just rip your world apart if he walks and you'll ultimately just end up back in this situation, then the diplomacy is left in your feeble hands. I do hope, in that case, though, that you seek some emotional help and recognize that this is not a winning situation for you. For him, yes, big time, but not at all for you.

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Hiya BCC

 

Honestly, this guy breaks up with you and now strings you along. He doesn't want to be bothered with the responsibility of a proper commited relationship with you - so he strings you along - because he can. He has everything on his terms, because you let him.

 

What are you getting out of this "relationship"? Not much by the sound of things.

 

I would leave him to get on with things without you if I were you.

 

Mark

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i know, i hear this everyday from everyone. but its impossible for me to stop. do i get help?

 

update: he texts me twice today, i ignored both until about 7 tonight and asked why he didnt respond and he apologized a couple times and said that he honestly didnt feel it, it was in his jacket yada yada yada. he then turns it around and goes "i hope your happy i didnt get with any girl last night for you but it doesnt matter because my word means nothing to you and your just gonna think that you want" to make me feel bad. are those the words of someone who is hiding something?

 

but after talking were back to normal and i want to stop, i honestly want to get out of his life so he misses me, beacuse i know he does and i know he means the nice things he says, especially with our history and i KNOW him, hes just enjoying his freedom at the same time.

 

how do i make him realize he wants me in his life? like without completely leaving beacuse i tried that and i seriously cant. maybe i should just move states if he doesnt this fall (claims hes going to santa barbara college) and were in nebraska.

 

i think im going to stop having sex with him and see what his response is? i dont wanna play games but i really want him to start to commit. do you think this will help him commit or just go else where and try to find it?

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BCC

 

If you stop having sex with him and he goes elsewhere for it then there is your answer.

 

You say that it is impossible for you to stop but of course that is daft. You just stop. I know it is hard but you have to value and love yourself first.

 

I have to ask you again - what are you getting out of this "relationship"? Time to lay down the law here hun - is he in, or is he out?

 

Mark

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are those the words of someone who is hiding something?

 

No. They're the words of someone with malicious intent whose beating you over the head with emotions because you've taught him up until now that he can keep you tame and controlled this way.

 

As for withholding sex: you should know to expect the obvious. He'll get it anywhere else, and likely already may be. The reality of the situation is that you're not in what our society calls a 'relationship', you're friends with benefits and one of you is just lapping it all up because she still wants the other, of whom responds to the subservience like a business man who sees a cash opportunity.

 

The bigger question is what are you going to do after truth becomes obvious? Are you that mentally unhealthy that you'll let him back into your life anyway because you feel you need him so badly, or will you stand up on your hind legs and push the boy out of your life for good? Going by all you're saying and the mere fact that everyone around you is already echoing this, I'd think it's time for therapy, not relationship advice on enotalone if you can't say goodbye to this little monster.

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update: he texts me the next day, i ignore it. he texts again an hour later. i start texting him back, very short answers. i ask him why he ignored me and he apologized and made up some excuse. and he after a while of semi-arguing he tries to turn it around and say "i hope your happy i didnt get with any girls last night but it doesnt matter to you my word means nothing and you'll think what u want anyway like u always do" -

 

anyway we're back to normal again and we went to lunch and a movie last night and i asked him if he thought it was ok to ignore me? he said he honestly didnt check his phone til later and by the time he got it he didnt understand my text and that it was way too late cause he knew id start arguing with him. he said he felt bad and he probably should have but i can ask anyone he was with that night and they would tell me he didnt get with anyone.

 

so i ask him if he feels like hes lucky and that hes spoiled because he has a girlfriend type/ and yet he can ignore me when he feels and not really have a complete attachment. he says that he just doesnt want a relationship and its not about other girls its about other things going on in his life, like school and he is still pretty young. he said he felt that we have a "thing" and that he wouldnt hook up with other girls while he was getting with me, that he had more respect for me than that. i tell him honestly how i feel. i tell him i feel like he sees me as pathetic because i give in to him after he breaks up with me and ignores me and he says "brooke, i dont see you like that. im not like oooh yah i totally use this girl and get the best of her." i asked him if he thinks he even deserves this and he says that he doesnt think that he DOESNT deserve and that he should HAVE to deserve it, that i should just feel like i want to be with him. i try to explain to him we pretty much are in a relationship (hanging out 5 to 6 nights a week, hooking up, the things we say to each other) and i dont understand why he cant just label it!!!!!

 

he said just right now in his life he doesnt want a relationship but his mind will change ...

 

AHHHHHH idk, my minds going to explode

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BCC,

 

He'll keep stringing you along unyil stop letting him. He's dragging you into confrontations and creating drama to hook you. He'll be good to you then be crappy you which is the process of intermittent reinforcement.

 

It's seen in abuse. He basically abusing you and you're trapped like many wives who can't leave because they say oh when he's nice he's amazing.

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update: hes been very sincere and trying to see me all weekend which is progress because he usually doesnt try to see me on the weekends, usually just the weekdays

 

tonight we see each other and i brought up us and he asks whats wrong with how we are now and i explain to him that im scared to lose him because we are both single and he could find someone else if he wanted to and he said that i should not worry about it and then he gives me a time frame .. he was like sitting there counting out months and then says in probably 5 or 6 months he should be ready and be in a different frame of mind 'for good'

 

what the hell does he need to do in these months? he keeps telling me its just a stupid label and that theres nothing wrong with how we are now because hes not getting with other girls etc etc. he says he thinks im addicted to just wanting someone and i told him i just like being in relationships and that i wanted to be in one with him.

 

idk what to do, i dont want to pressure him and i can see how me not wanting to wait is a little impatient and childish, like i NEED someone, which i dont. i dont want to read into this time frame too much and and think that it will garauntee something because by then hes starting a new college and will probably not want to be in a relationship then either.

 

should i wait?

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should i wait?

 

You know what you should do, but whether you do it is another matter.

 

This guy is blatantly using you. I'll rephrase that: you are allowing this guy to use you. This is not about him - this is about what you are willing to put up with.

 

At the moment you are a physical outlet for him - nothing more.

Are you happy with that?

Are you happy with the fact that he views you as free sex until he moves away to college?

 

You need to realise that you are better than this and you deserve better than this. You are not getting what you want, but he is getting everything that he wants.

 

Until you start setting clear standards for what you want in a relationship and NOT compromising those standards.....you will continue to let this guy run roughshod over you.

 

This guy is not for you - I know that might hurt to hear, but that is the truth. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can find someone who will respect you for the loving and caring person that you are.

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On waiting, I'm gonna' give your chance for success in five or six months a cool zero. I don't know how to make it any more clear to you than what's already been written by all of us, you really just have to separate your heart from your head.

 

The whole "not wanting to lose him" bit? You may need to put that one under a microscope and ask yourself if you really have him. All I've managed to isolate from your comments is that you have him in the same way a cup of coffee has someone. Drink up and discard for cleaning. Refill when necessary, then discard for someone to clean. Sit in cupboard silent and cold until needed, then discard to be cleaned. Man, great lot if you're ceramic and don't think or feel. The problem for you, though, is that, as the cup, you can't have him - he has you! As long as you remain devoted to the fact that this may become a relationship and that he may stay in your life and he may care for you, you remain useful and quiet in your little cupboard place until needed. Being that you're human, though, that's not emotionally healthy or fulfilling. Your "relationship" has become parasitic, and you're offering up more and more of your life to lose with every bit more of yourself you devote to loving him. Work on loving yourself and respecting yourself so that you can build up enough self-confidence to make a decision and stand behind it even when it hurts. Men don't fall in love with coffee cups; they fall in love with women.

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thanks for the advice

 

but i think we are closer than we have been ever before to getting back together and once when i tried to go no contact and ignore him he took it personal and said he was just gonna give up on me all together, i dont believe that absense makes the heart grow fonder, i believe in out of sight out of mind (isnt that how we heal with no contact anyways)

 

i truly believe he is sincere in what he says, i truly believe that there is no other person who will love him more than me, who he can be as comfortable around as me or who he connects with as he does with me. i think he means these things but he is just enjoying his freedom right now, and i have to wait it out

 

but my question is, is this friendship unhealthy during this period? i know in my heart (not because i want to so badly) that he will never find someone he loves like me. its been a year and he has never had the opportunity to be with someone else, like i have.

 

i think im addicted to him. he feels like family to me and i just want to express my feelings and hope for some sort of positive reaction.

 

he wasnt texting me a couple days ago so i asked if everything was okay and he said he was just super busy with school and work. i told him im sorry but i have to worry ebcause last year in august we were almost this close (right now we're the closest weve ever been since the breakup) and then he just stopped texting me and that was that. he said i know but we talked about this ... and the convo just lead somewhere else. he is sincere, he does favors for me everytime i asked. he let me borrow money the day i asked and he was there for me all last week when we had to put my dog to sleep which was really upsetting to me

 

my situation sucks, its confusing and i cant let go of him when he says these things to me but i KNOW he is not a player, and i KNOW that he cares about me too much to hurt me again, he isnt trying to be hurtful he is just enjoying his freedom and i want something more that he doesnt want to give.

 

am i just sticking up for him?

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once when i tried to go no contact and ignore him he took it personal and said he was just gonna give up on me all together,

 

I could have told you that's what he would say before he said it. He wants you to keep in contact with him....and will say anything to do so. It seems that when you try to stand up for what is best for you, he attempts to manipulate you....and you allow him to.

 

 

. i think he means these things but he is just enjoying his freedom right now, and i have to wait it out

 

I'd enjoy my freedom too if I could do whatever I wanted and yet still have a 'pseudo girlfriend' waiting in the wings for me. He has the best of both worlds thanks to you.

 

 

but my question is, is this friendship unhealthy during this period?

 

Friendship right now is not healthy for you at all right now. You don't have friendship however, you have something that will be far more damaging to you.

 

 

i know in my heart (not because i want to so badly) that he will never find someone he loves like me.

 

Think about how he is treating you right now. Now ask yourself - are these the actions of someone who loves you?

You 'know it' because you want it so badly, despite your protestations.

 

 

i think im addicted to him.

 

Yes you are. What's the best course of action to break an addiction?

 

 

he wasnt texting me a couple days ago so i asked if everything was okay and he said he was just super busy with school and work. i told him im sorry but i have to worry ebcause last year in august we were almost this close (right now we're the closest weve ever been since the breakup) and then he just stopped texting me and that was that. he said i know but we talked about this ... and the convo just lead somewhere else.

 

Last August....how long are you willing to feel like you feel now?

 

 

 

my situation sucks, its confusing and i cant let go of him when he says these things to me but i KNOW he is not a player, and i KNOW that he cares about me too much to hurt me again, he isnt trying to be hurtful he is just enjoying his freedom and i want something more that he doesnt want to give.

 

Isn't he hurting you now?

Doesn't he know this?

By your logic, he would be doing whatever it takes to ease your pain....is he?

 

 

am i just sticking up for him?

 

Yes you are - and it's costing you alot more than it's worth.

 

I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, I want you to step back and see this situation for what it is - toxic.

You will continue as you are for as long as you do nothing.

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