AT THE GENUINE CROSSROADS (This is real deal)

[ajaxajax]

Hi all

 

I have actually done something that I am not very proud of and will regret for a long time - I failed a third year subject in my pharmacy course. And it happened because I was so scared of looking at my academic results over at least the past 8 months, I did not get the news of my supplementary exam not being written until a few days after it was held! So now, instead of finishing off my degree in 8 months, I’ll be doing it in 20 months!

 

I have previously stated various problems of mine on ENA (which was really me wasting my time), yet I have not really touched on my fear of CRITICISM and FAILURE, which I think has always been the most pressing issue in my life. This fear has been going on for many years and made me react irrationally whenever I get a grade less than what I believe is reasonable or even when I make a simple mistake in, for example, listening. I can go on and on with the reasons why I behave that way but here are the major ones

1. My father (mainly) often behaved irrationally (paranoid at best, dictatorial at worst) whenever I made a mistake…he now has me thinking that if I do make a mistake in front of him, I have NO future! Just yesterday, he yelled at me for not getting the right wallet and for spelling a place name correctly when he thought it was incorrect. Although he wants me to have a better life after he had to start full time work at age 12, I could have been spoken to like someone who actually has a brain ALL the time!

2. I am of a mixed Italian/Australian origin and yet find myself to be continuously denied genuine respect from many people of both nationalities…so I felt that being a professional would get me more credibility (more so from the Italian community) - mainly from me having a good income and reputation

3. I live in a neighbourhood that has constantly been one of the poorest in my city. For example, I came accross more drug addicts and dolebludgers than most pharmacists would in their careers. With that sort of surroundings, I feel that me being a professional is an absolute must for me to live somewhere where I can be more at peace, because of the money required to set myself up somewhere else.

4. I get a feeling that everywhere I go with my studies, I always feel like I get looked down upon. In fact, out of about 120 students with whom I normally have lectures, not many people behaved friendly towards me naturally. Even a young lady who I talk to the most did not look very enthusiastic about talking with me. And most of the others have pharmacists, doctors and other professionals within their own families. My entire family NEVER had that privilege.

5. Normally in Australia, a student would get a career after only 4-6 years of tertiary study. I do have a degree with Honours (but that was meant to be for several unsuccessful entries into medical school, which always had assessor doctors who never looked at me favourably from the start). In my case, I can only be a pharmacist after 12 years of tertiary study. And I actually do want to be a pharmacist…almost two thirds of my pharmacy subjects had Credits, Distinctions or High Distinctions! And I am feeling frustrated from watching people 5-6 years my junior earning a fair amount more than what I make…just because some academics have let them be! My father found out from one professional that the professions are mainly reserved for the elite so that they don’t have their reputations destroyed. I also could not talk to my former Honours supervisor because, even though I had an Upper Second Class grade, he often criticised my daily work just because he felt (perhaps) that his $50,000 research grant was in danger from what I did

6. I kept on getting a feeling from many women from my uni colleagues to newspaper columnists that I can only get a partner if I have the finances to back her up, despite some describing me as having a lovely personality and me losing 5 kilos. I understand the strains many women would have in this day and age – even more so when looking after children etc, but I feel that any man has to earn more and more money just for someone to look at him for WHO he really is. And, because of it, I don’t know if it’s worth even asking any girl out - even one girl I have loved for years and only started contact again recently - until I do become a pharmacist

 

Let’s face it: my mistake was all mine but I am willing to toughen out through the

extra 12 months and I WILL become a pharmacy professional. But, I have to sort

myself out through the overwhelming fears that I have - before further academic

and (even) professional consequences become more and more severe!

 

I just want to see what you guys and girls think and whether I can get any

feedback/ideas on how to fix up my anxiety. I would really appreciate any input

and thank you for reading this. If I did sound extreme in any way, I apologise for it

 

Thanks

[tylercdurden2004]

Letting fear dictate your actions will get you what you fear.

 

Heres a book to take a look at:

 

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

 

It deals with thesame things you have mentioned. Trying to please your father etc.

[ajaxajax]

(whistle) Very good phrase...wish I was told that back in high school! By the way, my circumstances sometimes did resemble the film, Fight Club lol.

[tylercdurden2004]

(whistle) Very good phrase...wish I was told that back in high school! By the way, my circumstances sometimes did resemble the film, Fight Club lol.

 

Hah hah!

 

Do take a look at the book. Its about $20 Ozzie. At the worst its $20 bucks down the drain. At best it can help you tremendously.