Friendzoned. Won her back but no happy ending. Gutted.

[Sparkie]

Thanks again to all who have replied - it's helping me through.

 

Yesterday, I emailed her, just to say I was sorry it didn't work and to offer to talk about it etc etc. It was a bit weak doing it but the content wasn't begging or anything.

 

I got a reply last night saying she wouldn't read it, or any texts I sent, or any letters, or agree to meet me to talk. She wants to do this differently than before and she needs total NC in effect to stay strong and ease her pain.

 

It hurt to read, but I know she's right. I'm just not quite ready to accept its gone yet. I know it is, but I don't want to believe it. Because then i am lost. But my brain knows every day I delay accepting it, is another unnecessary day in pain. But at the moment, the pain is the only connection I have left. And it comforts me. In a sick way it comforts me. Whilst destroying me at the same time. Only cried a couple of times at work today, but fell apart again as I walked through my front door.

 

The problem with time, is that it takes time.

[sandrawg]

Sparkie, I sympathize. I got no response to any of my attempts to apologize, either. I wanted to apologize for flying off the handle at him, even though I know he contributed to the situation. His behavior triggered my insecurities, whether intentional or not; still, I am the only one who can control my own actions.

 

It is so sad when you know you can do better, and maybe you have someone you can work with on a relationship, but they have given up. It's the saddest feeling in the world.

[Sparkie]

It is so sad when you know you can do better, and maybe you have someone you can work with on a relationship, but they have given up. It's the saddest feeling in the world.

 

I know. The facts for me and her is that we just couldn't do it. We love each other but we need to love ourselves as individuals more. She needs this to stop (as should I), so she doesn't lose who she is. I understand that.

 

And a breakup where there is love still will be hard no matter how it occurs. It wouldn't matter how much she ignores me or stays away, I know she cares, and means me no ill feeling. Just her way of staying strong.

[sandrawg]

That's a very enlightened attitude, Sparkie. You will pull through this with flying colors.

 

I know. The facts for me and her is that we just couldn't do it. We love each other but we need to love ourselves as individuals more. She needs this to stop (as should I), so she doesn't lose who she is. I understand that.

 

And a breakup where there is love still will be hard no matter how it occurs. It wouldn't matter how much she ignores me or stays away, I know she cares, and means me no ill feeling. Just her way of staying strong.

[Sparkie]

Day 2 of NC. Had my moments at work today, but luckily worked with a guy who has been through similar and was happy to talk. And boy did I talk!

 

I feel odd today. Woke up several times again last night, and missed her a lot today - just the small things. But I'm not as gutted today as I feel I should be. Not sure if I'm in denial that its over, or whether there's a little bit of subconscious acceptance going on, or whether I was busy today and had an outlet who listened.

 

Pretty sure I'm capable of falling apart at any time though! I get 4 days off a week from work, so I imagine it'll be then when the loneliness and time to dwell comes along. When I'll miss just picking up the phone to say hi.

 

One day at a time. So far, today has been bearable.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Sparkie the best thing to do right after a breakup is to try to distract yourself as much as you can just to let time pass which will heal the wound.

 

If you have a lot of days off try planning things to do rather than sitting around the house. Get a lot of DVDs of favorite funny movies or thrillers or things that are really engaging. Try to plan outings somewhere with friends or doing something you really enjoy at least two or three times during those 4 days.

 

You're going to be really shell shocked for a couple weeks, so treat it like you have a really bad flu and just need to distract yourself from it as much as possible.

[orangesoda]

It's a roller coaster - you'll have days where you'll feel 90% healed and normal, and then the next day, you'll feel like you're back to zero. Those are the tough ones, when you'll need to reach out to buddies and family. You can't do much for the mood swings other than try to keep a busy and packed schedule so that you don't have too much free time.

 

Free time = the devil when you're trying to do NC.

 

Try and pick up a new hobby or revisit and old one. Or if you've got vacation time coming up, visit somewhere you've never been. Just the act of planning out your trip and reading up about the area, and getting excited about tasting the local foods, etc - it's all very good for the soul. Gives you that feeling like your life is progressing, moving, growing, etc.

[Sparkie]

If you have a lot of days off try planning things to do rather than sitting around the house. Get a lot of DVDs of favorite funny movies or thrillers or things that are really engaging. Try to plan outings somewhere with friends or doing something you really enjoy at least two or three times during those 4 days.

 

I agree. Most of my friends are dotted around the world and my family is in another country. The friends I have here are married / busy / working when I'm off usually, so its hard. I need to learn to value doing things alone a bit more. I can do it easy when I have a partner in the 'background', but find it harder when its just me

 

Try and pick up a new hobby or revisit and old one. Or if you've got vacation time coming up, visit somewhere you've never been. Just the act of planning out your trip and reading up about the area, and getting excited about tasting the local foods, etc - it's all very good for the soul. Gives you that feeling like your life is progressing, moving, growing, etc.

 

I do need a new hobby; something engaging. Going to new places alone has never been that much fun for me. I can go, but just don't get into it. But I get what you're saying - keep busy, plan something fun, find things to do. I have a month off work in April - bummer.

[wheretonow]

If my ex had the capacity to consider how he may be affecting the relationship through his attitude and actions, I think we would have had a chance. It just wasn't as important to him.

 

A lot of guys out there would rather die than admit where they could have been wrong somewhere. I guess some are afraid that when they admit to some things they give away their power or something. I suppose with the wrong person that could be true. But I personally think considering these possibilies is commendable. The right person with good will would be fair about it and also consider their possible part in the scenario in the interest of preserving the relationship.

 

About 2 months after my boyfriend dumped me the first time I had a thing with a somewhat younger guy who also became a very good friend, but when my boyfriend got back with me again, I would only talk to the younger guy on a rare occasion on the phone. I did not see him as I thought it inappropriate. I remember when the younger guy phoned once I told him "I would see you, but this one might be the one and I don't want to screw up". He understood and also hoped that the relationship would work out because he knew it was important to me. I think it bothered my ex that it only took 2 months after him dumping me before I did the deed with someone else. Ironic that he did the deed with someone else while I understood we were still on. Oh well.

 

Anyway, I think its great that you want to get beyond the * * * for tat mentality and are willing to work on yourself. I hope you can find a wonderful middle ground of understanding and good will with the next one when any issues come up.

 

Call me old-fashioned.

[JadedStar]

Oh my, i could not have ever said it better than this. This response is perfect and what i was thinking, but said much better than I could have.

[Sparkie]

Day 5 of NC today. Still a bit numb inter dispersed with bouts of uncontrollable sadness. All par for the course I suppose.

 

I have made several plans for my next days off, with good people who are supportive. I know what i'm supposed to do, but it is hard. I am exhausted due to constantly interrupted sleep, and I've got a 14 hour nightshift tonight which will probably finish me off - but its better than a Saturday night on Valentines day alone.

 

Just venting. I miss her so much and just need to say it 'out loud' here, rather than telling her. I miss you Jxxx; I'm sorry we didn't make it. I love you.

[atelis]

i'm so sorry sparkie.

 

we have been down a similar road and i cant help but see a bit of myself in you.

 

over the last few months i have come to the understanding that i have fear of commitment/intimacy. i am seeing a psychologist and working on my fears. The last few weeks i have done a lot of self analysis and had a good look at my relationship history and i have been brutally honest with myself. I have read volumes of material on engulfment, abandonment, enmeshment and codependancy and i can see so much of my behaviour in the patterns they talk about.

 

I have fear of engulfment/abandonment which has affected any and every relationship i have tried to have. In most cases, i engage in self sabotage of relationships because of the fear i have.

 

I read your story and the things you taked about here in this thread and i suspect you too may suffer from a fear of abandonment/engulfment. Insecurity is caused by a lack of self esteem/self worth and most of that is traced back to childhood and the relationships we had with our parents.

 

It is the hardest thing in the wold to be honest and self analyse. i always used to think that i just hadn't met the right girl or that i was unlucky, but after having a good look at myself, i realised that i subconsciously sabotaged most if not every relationship i have been in through fear and that i subconsciously look for women who will push all the buttons that bring out those fears. It's an insidious illness that can be debilitating to any effort to have a healthy relationship. It' not as easy as simply finding someone who won't push those fear buttons, because subconsciously we look for those very people that will and we get into a repetitive cycle

 

Happyto chat further if you need to

[Sparkie]

i'm so sorry sparkie.

Happyto chat further if you need to

 

Thanks atelis. I've pm'd you.

[Sparkie]

So yesterday was day 6 NC.

 

I sent her an email saying mostly nice, constructive things. But it included a part of my issue with her, which is knowing what to believe. Not being able to trust my intuition vs head f%$#. I wanted to highlight (in her mind) that she had told me two identical things (two situations), both given as the truth, but one I was convinced was a lie. I wanted her to see how it was hard for me to trust her, if my 'guts' were screaming out 'red flag'. I wanted her to confirm my suspicions; that one was a lie, so I told her I just knew. I acknowledged I went overboard with my jealousy stuff, but want her to see she contributed.

 

I left off, saying I love her etc but that I accept we are not suited. I wished her well.

 

She responded with a text saying she'd read it and ''was too raw to reply now but would, once, in a day or two. She hated being responsible for this heartache'.

 

So today is day 1 NC. Sorry for the wall of text!! Just venting.

[servedcold]

Best wishes with keeping NC going forward.

[Sparkie]

Thanks served cold.

 

So, more venting and getting stuff out.

 

She just rang me to organise getting more stuff exchanged. Conversation quickly deteriorated when she mentioned my email, and that she was angry about parts of it having a go at her. I said like what, and she said comments like 'the males I know about'. She took offence. I said part of me moving on was relearning to trust my guts, and that i always felt she'd done stuff in Scotland.

 

She denied it, and I said thats fine. I said but you know, and i know what happened. She kept asking how I knew, what did i know, etc. It went on for a bit. She admitted she'd been 'more than friends' with the guy and how did i know. I said because you just told me. It was a hunch confirmed by you. It was a fight that shouldn't have happened. In the end, it doesn't matter because what occurred is in the past and nothing to do with me.

 

The conversation continued for an hour after that, and we both got the chance to say what we needed to. No fighting, just sad. It was good hear her take some responsibility for not working on things with me. And to hear she has been sad etc and that it meant something.

 

In the end, I felt some sort of peace. She ended it primarily because she doesn't like the person she has become, and she feels our past has contributed to that. She wants to get back to being someone she can be proud of. Thats what I want for me to. So we agreed, cried, and wished each other the best.

[canali]

What I fail to understand is how can u honestly expect a 5 year fwb "relationship" to not have a lot of baggage and issues of mistrust...u sow what u reap no?...or am I missing something bro?

[canali]

What I fail to understand is how can u honestly expect a 5 year fwb "relationship" to not have a lot of baggage and issues of mistrust...the very foundations r * * * * ed!..u reap what u sow no?...or am I missing something bro?

[Sparkie]

What I fail to understand is how can u honestly expect a 5 year fwb "relationship" to not have a lot of baggage and issues of mistrust...u sow what u reap no?...or am I missing something bro?

 

Obviously it will have a lot of baggage and mistrust. There is a history, partcularly for her that hurts and would make her question what on earth she's doing.

 

But I love her anyway, as she does me. It just hurts thats all. I'm just posting to keep track of where i'm at. I'm not saying ending it is the wrong thing. Just a sad thing. For me.

[canali]

then bud, face it, accept it, grieve over it and then (and this last step is very important) forgive BOTH yourself and her for your mistakes/being human as a way to heal....I learned the hard way what you did many years ago but in a different vein: a woman I was dating for 3 yrs was off and on...and when it was 'off' i would date and abuse another woman who was really into me...well when girl # 1 and I finallyended it i moved over to girl # 2 ..and because of our past there was so much mistrust and paranoid on her part that it totally f...ked it up for the next few yrs.

 

forgiving both you and her will be key bud to healing.

 

all the best

[Sparkie]

Just another update for myself because i'm feeling a bit low. Helps to keep a track of things.

 

Day 16 NC since her last call (23 NC since i saw her last). have been up and down, depending largely on how distracted i have been.

 

Struggle to let it go if i'm honest. Any negativity i feel about her is well and truly minimised or eradicated by the love and good in her. The bottom line is that she did nothing with malice. Her intent was good. As was mine. I want to 'feel' that this ending is the right thing, but i can't yet. I still 'feel' seeing a shrink together would break our links to the past. But she won't, so i have to accept that.

 

Feeling really sad today. We were supposed to be flying off interstate for a long weekend, for her sisters wedding. It was something we were both looking forward to. Had to crawl back into bed crying this afternoon thinking of her going without me. tried to stop myself, but decided it was kinder to me to just feel the emotion, rather than admonish myself for being weak.

 

Anyway, just venting and rambling. Tomorrow is another day. Its just hard when i know she will ring soon to swap back our stuff, and i'll see her again. She is obviously keeping busy, but it's hard waiting. She said she'd call a couple of weeks ago so 'she didn't have a bu!!5h!t to contact me when she was missing me', so hopefully it won't be too much longer. maybe then, i can put this behind me a bit better.

[atelis]

take care of yourself man. are you seeing a shrink at the moment? i know it's helping for me.

 

The negativity is just your fear of abandonment kicking in. It's your subconscious trying to tell you that you did the right thing, but as you and i both know, the subconscious is just the scared 15 year old inside you that wants to protect itself from being abandoned. It's hard, but you got to keep working on yourself.

 

Have you ever tried meditiation? I have just started, but like you, i want to stop my mind from thinking about the future or the past and stay in the present, which is where you and i go wrong...........we fear an outcome and we overanalyse in our minds and that fear then translates into negative behaviour.

[kitchty]

Sigh...relationships after reconciliation in general seem very fragile...

 

perhaps that's why it is not good to seek reconciliation after all--so much eggshells to watch out for. A few more mistakes and you are out....

 

We are human and are bound to make mistakes--but some relationships are just so damaged that only a little bit more will knock them down the drain.

 

I feel so sad about your situation. But I think what comes to me when I think about you is more about your determination and the huge amount of love you have for this woman, not about how your relationship eventually failed. You really are a wonderful person. You deserve happiness, and I know one day you will find someone who can love you and make you happy.

[Sparkie]

take care of yourself man. are you seeing a shrink at the moment? i know it's helping for me.

 

The negativity is just your fear of abandonment kicking in. It's your subconscious trying to tell you that you did the right thing, but as you and i both know, the subconscious is just the scared 15 year old inside you that wants to protect itself from being abandoned. It's hard, but you got to keep working on yourself.

 

Have you ever tried meditiation? I have just started, but like you, i want to stop my mind from thinking about the future or the past and stay in the present, which is where you and i go wrong...........we fear an outcome and we overanalyse in our minds and that fear then translates into negative behaviour.

 

Yeah, I'm seeing shrink, which is helping a bit. I know there is an element of abandonment stuff in all this, which doesn't help obviously! But I feel like i'll be okay no matter what happens. I think i just genuinely miss her, her company, and her being in my life. I have no thoughts of replacing her, or doing anything to avoid feeling abandoned, except continuing to get stronger as a person.

 

At the moment, the main thing I'm working on is living in the moment. Very hard, but i think that will go a long way with me. Thanks for the support mate

 

 

I feel so sad about your situation. But I think what comes to me when I think about you is more about your determination and the huge amount of love you have for this woman, not about how your relationship eventually failed. You really are a wonderful person. You deserve happiness, and I know one day you will find someone who can love you and make you happy.

 

Thanks kitchty. I hope so too. At the moment, i'm trying real hard to just run with the emotions, and not 'cover' anything up that'll bite me on the ar5e in years to come.

[philove]

I really feel for you Sparkie. It's so hard to accept it when two people love each other so much but it just doesn't work. It was kinda the same with my ex but unlike yours I had a reason to feel insecure about her as she cheated on me. I do believe she loved me though, perhaps not as much or in the same way I loved her but I do believe it. I just feel really sad at the moment.