Jump to content

Friendzoned. Won her back but no happy ending. Gutted.


Recommended Posts

Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

Hey,

 

Some people may have read my thread about breaking all the rules and getting my ex back. If you are interested, here's the link.

 

 

 

So it worked. I worked on my stuff, she came back, and it was going really quite good. A few hiccups along the way, but resolved pretty much as we were doing things differently.

 

My issue was always jealousy / neediness, and I thought I'd done a pretty good job at sorting it. Didn't flare up like I used to, and handled things differently. Most of her friends / family were against me because of our history, but they all started coming around.

 

We were seeing a mortgage broker last week in case we wanted to buy a house together, practically living together, and getting on well. I get 4 days off a week, so I have plenty of time to do things alone, and see my friends. The rest of the time I was spending with ex.

 

And here lies the problem. She was feeling isolated. When she commented about wanting to see friends (usually male who have caused us some issues in the past because of my jealousy), my responses were a bit smart ar5ey according to her. Made her feel it was easier not to see them, than fight with me. So she tried to keep the peace and didn't push it. And stupidly, I didn't see it. My world was ok. I didn't ensure hers was too. She could have been stronger and just done what she wanted, but I understand why she didn't. And my smart ar5ey comments weren't intentional -

but in hindsight they were wrong never the less.

 

It all came to a head 2 days ago, when she caught up with a male for breakfast with her sister, and lied to me about it. Again, I understand why, but as I said to her, its the hiding things that triggers my insecurities. We patched it up, but it played on my mind.

 

It started another argument, and then she just ended it. There and then. I had a weak moment and went back to being a 7 year old boy - feeling sorry for myself. She said she'd promised herself she wouldn't go back to how it was. And there was no point in talking about changing stuff because we'd had our chance.

 

She spent the next day in tears, sick from work, vomiting. Her friend took her phone to stop her calling me. She says she loves me to bits, but can't keep trying something that keeps failing. I understand that, but for me at least, this was so out of the blue. She's dropped off my stuff, and taken hers.

 

I have emailed her once, accepting I was inconsiderate, and wrong to make her feel guilty about spending time away from me. I do know it is unhealthy for her to have no life outside work and me, but she seemed to be happy doing that. She did see her friends and family sometimes, but she felt 'wrong' when she did because of my reaction. But I was wrong and got too comfortable. She didn't respond.

 

So. Lesson 1. Sorting out insecurities takes time. I took several months, and was pretty good. But it is a learned thing. And at times of stress, or even getting too comfortable, I messed up and defaulted back to 40 years of experience. It cost me big time.

 

Lesson 2. It takes two to make changes. I know I let Mr Needy out of the bag, and I was at fault as she says I was. I got it wrong. But she didn't need to lie. She could have been stronger about getting her needs met. She could have discussed thing differently too.

 

But really, it's down to me. Thats what makes it worse. I messed up. And i sit here, gutted. I wake up every hour during the night, and for a few brief seconds, I've forgotten. And then it hits me and the crying starts. I've not eaten anything for two days. I can't stop crying during the day. Last week, I had it all. And now its gone. I feel so alone and helpless.

 

There'll be no thread from me about getting her back again. We've done this a few times. I will hurt for as long as i do, and try my hardest to accept a life without her. But until then, my heartaches. I hate it. And I can blame nobody but myself. I am such a fool ](*,)

 

Vent over. Sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure you should blame yourself.

 

Lying about being with someone of the opposite sex while in a relationship = dealbreaker in my book. It happened to me as well, and I dumped my ex not long afterwards.

 

You suck it up and move on. It was a case of round peg and square hole. As hard as you tried, it just didn't fit.

 

Don't think that you need to shoulder all the blame - your ex committed one of the cardinal sins in a relationship. With that said, you can learn from this and make a stronger effort at communication (without the smartass comments).

 

You'll be okay.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Isn't it a horrible feeling? I really do think you should stop being so self-critical though Sparkie. She clearly needed to make some adjustments to make this relationship work, and she hasn't. For whatever the reasons might be. don't beat yourself up about it.

 

I am a very strong-willed, confident guy that has also been reduced to the 7 year old boy syndrome too. It's bizarre.

 

You'll end up meeting someone that is a much better match. You won't think that at the moment. But see that little glint in the distance? That's the light!! LOL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sparkie, i'm sorry. It is especially painful when you've put so much effort into winning her back and then it doesn't work out. But you did play it out, you did try, but it still didn't work.

 

I think sometimes people fit together like a lock and key, but sometimes that opens up the good parts of each of you, and sometimes the bad parts. It's not all about you being 'bad', it's about how the two of you fit together, and obviously there is something about the way she behaves with other people that pushes your negative buttons, and her lying and sneaking off to be with other guys pushes your negative buttons. So you might fit together, but in the wrong way, an unhealthy way rather than the right way.

 

You could meet some other girl who pushes your right buttons, and you'd never feel insecure or worry about what she's doing, and she wouldn't mind if you show a little jealousy now and then. I think as much as you care for this current woman, you just don't fit together, and hence the multiple fights and breakups. sometimes you just have to recognize that there were good things, but also bad things and incompatibility that must means it won't go the distance.

 

So this time just really let yourself grieve and focus on getting over it and finding a woman who doesn't make you so anxious all the time. A relationship is about not just this good person and that good person, but about how the two people mesh together, and whether that meshing is comfortable or not. Obviously you and this woman had broken up several times which is a sign that you really didn't mesh the way you needed to to make it permanent.

 

You can and will find someone who does, if you let yourself heal and get out there again and start meeting new people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sparkie,

 

Been following your story. After reading your post here, I want to emphasize not being so overly critical of yourself. My biggest problem is blaming myself and not seeing the faults of my ex. You sound like you did change for the better. But you can't keep those changes going alone. The other person has to also change and they must change with you!

To me, it sounds like you were carrying this relationship completely on your own shoulders, causing you to have to walk on eggshells. You are exactly right; she could have talked to you about wanting to hang out with her friends and spend time apart. I bet you would have realized the new Sparkie can handle that discussion had she done that.

 

Go easy on yourself. And take care of yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have to comment here. Sparkie, everything you did was amendable so please stop blaming yourself. She was done but that doesn't make you a horrible person. It was her decision not to continue but a reasonable person who was truly interested would have worked through it. You didn't cause this to end. Nobody stays in their adult all the time. Allowances must be made in relationships and she stopped making them. You are going to go on to have a fine relationship with a woman who genuinely wants it to work out as much as you do and you will be amazed at the difference.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Sparkie!

 

Your story was inspirational. I hope I get a second chance with my ex. I've decided against your approach and I'm going no contact primarily in the hopes of healing, but also hoping that she'll come back before I get completely over her.

 

Now that you've gotten dumped again, there's no need to blame yourself. All the experts say that getting the ex back is the easy part. You can probably get her to come back again if you played your cards right (although, NC is going to be essential now). The hard part is getting them to stay after they've come back especially if the same issues haven't been resolved. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't your exes. I know that if my ex and I get back together, we're going to start counseling immediately to be able to resolve risidual issues and move forward on a clean slate.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out, mate. But you proved you can win your ex back without using NC and for that, you're a legend on ENA.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've taken the first step in fixing your problems by admitting that you have big insecurity and jealousy issues, but working on them alone may not be enough. You may want to look into therapy as well. As far as your ex goes, you made the right decision by not trying to reconcile with her. Sometimes when you've made too many mistakes for too long in a relationship to have any chance of making things right again. Maybe in some time like in a year you could maybe try again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't beat yourself up-it takes two for something not to work. It sounds like she didnt' really communicate to you her needs so you could work though them together. I was in a similar situation in my last relationship, if one person in the relationship isn't being honest with their partner or themself, its not going to work. Keep your head up, focus on what you learned about yourself and how you improved.

 

I found that the problematic circle in these types of situations is that instead of working to improve your insecurity issues, when an ex lies about that stuff instead of telling the truth, it undermines your attempt to get past the insecurities. It just gets worse instead of better. Is there any chance the two of you can go to therapy together?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah crap, sorry this happened to you I will echo what others have said in that it looks like unfortunately you two dont quite fit. I dont think what you were asking for was totally unreasonable and I think you would have been willing to go as far as you were comfortable had she mentioned this to you. She has a driving need to do something that really bothers you. I think that would bother a lot of guys, most guys in fact, especially in the stiuation that you are in where you have already broken up with her once over that exact thing. There are women that would be just fine with not pushing that one thing that makes you feel insecure. Tell you the truth, I think hanging out with guy "friends" all the time would bother me as well, and I can tell you I have been with several women that dont do that. I really think a lot of this is her fault. Right now things were touchy and still in the early stages of getting back together why on earth would she do that? Its one thing after trust has been completely rebuilt and with complete visibility, but doing it right now was pretty selfish of her. You should have been the priority. I think she made her choice of where her priority lies and unfortunately you had to part ways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure you should blame yourself.

 

Lying about being with someone of the opposite sex while in a relationship = dealbreaker in my book.

 

I'm with orangesoda here, and think you are being too harsh on yourself. Based on what you type, it seems she was baiting you to get a reaction, and when she got it, she just smugly determined "he hasn't changed." This is totally unfair to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dammit Spark. What can I say?

 

I will echo the others in that it was an incorrect fit.

 

Get real my friend, and face it that she DID once again do exactly what she knew was an issue for you. And did it behind your back.

 

You worked to get her back, fought and strategized better than most of here, and made some MAJOR changes in yourself. You got that second chance - but use it to realize that she had to make the changes, and she didn't. So sad, but true Spark. It took two.

 

A wise man once wrote to me a few months ago something along the lines of 'you handled it with grace and dignity - and some things are just not meant to be'.

 

All these months later I am still trying to accept that advice. In my heart I know you were right and it is ONLY the image of what it once was or could have been that I hold on to. Not reality of how truly different people we are and how in the long run it would never work.

 

Sorry you are hurting again. Don't forget to follow your own advice of taking care of yourself in the transition.

 

It gets easier again.

 

From a friend: "No regrets, nothing to fix. You are totally allowed to do anything now. A new beginning. I know there's nothing to take away the hurt but I would if I could."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all so much for all the support. It means the world to me.

 

I know she's not a bad person, and I did trust her, and I know she wanted to have friends that pushed my buttons. She chose to minimise hurt to me by hiding it, or at least not seeing them as often. I think her heart was in the right place. Her mum has been with a tool for 30 years who stops her doing anything at all (she may as well be chained to the house), and she is determined not to be like that. So if I (or anyone) says she can't do something her immediate reaction is to do it, or feel 'trapped' if she doesn't.

 

But the round peg / square hole comment is probably spot on. She is a very out going person who finds it as easy to be friends with guys as girls. And she has had a couple of holiday 'romances' which showed me she could 'cross the line' quite quickly. Thats not to say she did anything wrong, or that she cheated on me (it was all before me), but that stuff definitely hit my abandonment / insecurity button hard, especially when she started to hide things from me.

 

I am still reeling, but I think I know deep down I did what I could. In an ideal world, I obviously could have done more to stab Mr Needy through the heart, but it is hard when that button gets pushed a lot.

 

And whilst I love her to bits as a person, there is a tiny piece of me that can see she wasn't right for me. It's hard to accept, but it is staring at that tiny piece that is going to get me through this. I do now believe it is possible to love someone, because they are a lovely person, but not be right for each other.

 

My faults clashed with her faults. Thats all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your story rings a big loud bell with me, Sparkie. I was with a guy who's very sociable and in the beginning, I was very insecure because of a previous rel'ship, where the guy blatantly flirted with girls in front of me as a form of abuse.

 

We would argue over him being sociable and friendly to girls in bars, because of my insecurity. I knew this was something I needed to work on, because it caused a lot of conflict.

 

Instead of working on it with me, though, he mentally checked out and started hanging out w/an ex behind my back. When I broke up with him for a different reason, he hooked up with her. When we got back together, at his request, my insecurities flared up ever WORSE because he did not seem to want to ditch her. Eventually he did, but as time wore on, and he was working really hard to make me feel secure...BUT his story about her wasn't holding up. He kept saying contradictory things.

 

I knew he wasn't being forthcoming--my gut was nagging at me. I then became a crazy psycho with my insecurities, flipping out over innocent things. Finally, I found out about the time he saw her behind my back, and broke up w/him for good (or so I thought.)

 

I ended up giving him a THIRD chance, after he kept texting me. This time, he had hooked up with a GUY during our break-up. Ok, that was a little tough to handle cuz he'd always led me to believe he wasn't bi in any way shape or form. The gay guy he had hooked up with had a thing for him and was still texting him, even tho he knew me and my ex were back together, professing how much he liked him and thought about him all the time etc.

 

I was really uncomfortable but tried to stifle it. For 3 weeks, we had to talk about this guy and how "hurt" he was, and my ex kept having to have talks with him. Twice, my ex told me "it's handled, don't worry about it." Then, our final big blowout was the night I met my ex at a bar, and the ex tells me he has to take the gay guy out to DINNER (whcih sounds suspiciously to me like a date) for another "talk" about how "hurt" he is.

 

Then the gay guy showed UP at the bar. My ex playfully SPANKED him when he arrived, then said "I gotta go talk to him", and was going to leave me sitting there. I went nuts. It started a big argument. Then HE ended up breaking up w/me, saying I was trying to make him "get rid of his friends" ( a common theme with him). I wasn't asking for that. all I was asking was for him NOT to encourage this guy's affections.

 

My ex doesn't seem to GET that, you can't lie to someone and then expect them to blindly trust you from that day forward. Plus, he never seem to got that, most girlfriends are not cool with their guy hanging out with, and staying friends with, someone they hooked up wtih--male or female-without the girlfriend there.

 

Sounds to me like your gf pushed your buttons, just like my ex pushed mine. When someone has deep insecurities, it takes work on the other person's part to help them overcome them.

 

If the other person is too selfish--your gf was kind of selfish, putting her male friends above you, then...you're just simply not compatible wiht that person. You're doing the right thigns-going to therapy, as am I. I am going to work on myself and address my issues, whether or not I get into another rel'ship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow Sandrawg, what a story! Some cheaters are SO arrogant with such a sense of entitlement, like they should be able to do anything they want, no matter how outrageous it is and you're supposed to go, fine honey, have a good time!

 

One way to tell how much someone loves you is to look at how considerate they are of your feelings. If you genuinely love someone, you will go out of your way to avoid hurting them or doing anything that upsets them.

 

I take it as a bad sign when someone thumbs their nose at you and lies and manipulates to get what they want. So you're better off alone than with someone who does that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, what really bothered me is that, ok, I dated, hooked up with a couple of guys while we were apart...but all it took was one conversation via phone, to make it clear where I stood. This was ridiculous unnecessary drama that he should've known, after a year and a half of being off and on, would trigger my insecurities.

 

Wow Sandrawg, what a story! Some cheaters are SO arrogant with such a sense of entitlement, like they should be able to do anything they want, no matter how outrageous it is and you're supposed to go, fine honey, have a good time!

 

One way to tell how much someone loves you is to look at how considerate they are of your feelings. If you genuinely love someone, you will go out of your way to avoid hurting them or doing anything that upsets them.

 

I take it as a bad sign when someone thumbs their nose at you and lies and manipulates to get what they want. So you're better off alone than with someone who does that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In defense of Sparkie's gal, I don't think she ever meant anything malicious. Same as the guy that I was with and what I did.

 

I never meant to hurt him or 'push his buttons', but I did when I 'caved' at times and needed to be by myself, rather than turning to him. He called it being banished. That was HIS abandonment button.

 

And like Spark's gal, I pushed that button over and over again, most of the time being very unaware of the impact. And certainly NEVER meaning to hurt him in any way.

 

I think two good people, trying to be good to each other, but simply not a good fit. I don't feel she did anything wrong other than not being able to change what was perfectly natural and an innocent thing for her to do - socialize with guy friends. Sadly, she needed to hide that - and we know where that leads.

 

We ALL have our buttons. The trick is finding someone that does not push them - even when they really don't intend to. People can only change so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, but what kind of commitment did Sparkie's woman show to the relationship, that she just kind of threw her hands up in the air?

 

I was married for 10 years. In the beginning, I was always triggering my ex-h's abandonment issues unknowingly, because my way of dealing wiht conflict was to shut down. I wanted to pull away...to take space...this hurt him deeply, so he'd get angrier and try to push me into talking to him...push, pull, push pull

 

After too many times of this, we decided to go to a counselor. The counselor got out of my ex-h that, his mother leaving when he was 6 years old, caused deep abandonment fears. And she got me to make a commitment to never retreating during a fight like that again. That was a similar issue we were able to overcome by working together.

 

I think people are too willign to throw in the towel, and they prefer to go on their own selfish path-"well, screw him/her, I want to still do what I want, so I'll do it and LIE to him/her about it."

 

That is NOT making a commitment. Every relationship requires some sacrifice, some willingness to compromise. She was obviously not willign to look at her part in triggering Sparkie's insecurities. This doesn't make her evil, but it does make her seem pretty selfish and not as willing to work on it, or as committed, as Sparkie was.

 

Sparkie is/was in therapy and was willing to work on his jealousy issue, which is more than a lot of people are willing to do. She could've worked with him in such a way that they could both get what they wanted-she could still have guy friends, and he could feel like he trusted her enough to have them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, Sparkie, I'm so sorry! This thread makes me really sad! But my take on it is that when someone tries to change, there isn't a magic fix... EVERYONE is going to mess up now and then and regress to bad habits during the process of improvement and change. No one can just change and never act like they did before ever again. The fact that you started doing some of the old things and she chose to react like this says more about her than it does about you. If she was really committed to making things work, she would've been honest about how she was feeling and how you were making her feel - so you'd know - and then tried to find a way to resolve it. She didn't approach it that way.

 

I'm so sorry. Really. And I'll be honest, I'm a little scared because this thread is what I fear could happen with my rekindled relationship someday. I make a mistake like in the past, and bam! He's gone. -sigh- Hang in there!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In defense of Sparkie's gal, I don't think she ever meant anything malicious.

 

I think two good people, trying to be good to each other, but simply not a good fit. I don't feel she did anything wrong other than not being able to change what was perfectly natural and an innocent thing for her to do - socialize with guy friends. Sadly, she needed to hide that - and we know where that leads.

 

I agree with this. Her issue is feeling she isn't 'allowed' to be her, to do what she wants, and to be accepted for who she is. Thats her upbringing. She truly believes that she can have male friends, because she knows where the line is. She saw it as my challenge to get used to that and learn to deal with it better. Her way of 'helping' was to see them less or not rub my face in it.

 

And to be fair, she had, on several occasions, gone out of her way to call me and tell me upfront that she was going for lunch with them. Yes she could have worked 'with me', but she was doing what she could to help in her own way.

 

Yeah, but what kind of commitment did Sparkie's woman show to the relationship, that she just kind of threw her hands up in the air?

Again, to be fair, she's put up with 5 years of FWB with me, where I was totally non committal. She has tried many times with me, despite the hurt and heartache, and given me many many chances, so she didn't just give up.

 

Sparkie is/was in therapy and was willing to work on his jealousy issue, which is more than a lot of people are willing to do. She could've worked with him in such a way that they could both get what they wanted-she could still have guy friends, and he could feel like he trusted her enough to have them.

 

I agree she could have done this. She did it in her own way, but we could have talked more openly about what we needed to do as a couple to get this sorted. She does have some issues herself, and I'm not sure she could see past mine and the hurt I caused her, to be able to work on hers.

 

 

But I know this girl inside out. She's not a bad person. She has tried for many years to make it work with me with all the tools she has. Her heart was in the right place. Thats why I love her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...