Should I quit or stick it out?

[rapunzel]

My ex brought a new woman to our show last weekend. It's the first time this has happened since we broke up in September. I had no warning he was seeing anyone. He barely spoke to me all night, and did not say hello to me when he came in. He must have known it would have an impact.

 

I felt absolutely awful. I felt a flush over my entire body, almost a feeling of humiliation. He held her hand as they walked accross the dance floor and she kept touching him, so it's clear they are an item.

 

It was tough. I had to really concentrate to remind myself that I was on stage during our two sets. We had a sort of celebrity musician sitting in with us so it was a big night but for me, just a really hard night.

 

When he came into our rehearsal on Monday night prior to this show he gave me a big smile and a WINK. I guess that's just who he is but I feel it is misleading.

 

Anyway, I have no choice but to move on. He has someone new and I have to deal with it. He took his match profile down a few days later, the one where he lied about his age to attract younger women, and she is definitely at least 7-10 years younger than me. I am afraid I will not be able to truly move on while having to witness this and am contemplating quitting the band so I CAN move on but I feel it will be so obvious and lame for me to quit just because he is dating someone new. I mean, it has been almost 5 months so of course it was bound to happen. I'm very worried about what to do and about making the wrong decision.

 

I'm afraid if I quit, I am giving up a great musical and social outlet. I'm afraid I'll know they are out having a fun gig and I'm sitting home alone and I'll kick myself for quitting when I should have just stuck out a few more weeks or months of painful feelings with the hope that eventually I would just get used to it. I'm afraid everyone will find out why I quit and I will appear weak and out of control. I will also be letting down a bunch of other people I've grown to know and love as they will have to find someone to replace me.

 

If I don't quit, I'm afraid I am setting myself for more pain. I'm afraid won't be able to get over this guy with the regular contact, seeing him with another woman and no one I date will ever be able to compare to him. It's rare I fall so deeply for someone.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Don't quit. Please, please don't quit. Why in the heck should you quit?

 

Deal with the feelings, that's all you have to do. He is expected to move on, but so are you! His getting a new girlfriend says absolutely nothing about you, I promise!

 

You are not setting yourself up for more pain if you don't quit. But you sure will be if you opt to quit! Because then you will regret it.

 

Just find a way to deal with the feelings. You can totally get through this and learn something to boot if you deal with it. I promise!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I second the "do not quit" advice. Try to remember who he really is...a man who doesn't commit...goes from girlfriend to girlfriend to girlfriend....like George Cloony. Sure he will have fun with her...but chances are he will be playing her like he played you and like he played his previous ex. Instead of feeling bad that it is her in his arms and not you, feel sorry for her because you know exactly how this will probably turn out for her...another broken heart. Tough it out...maybe seeing them together will be the push you actually need to get over him once and for all.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for the advice. I want to take it to heart, I do but I have these nagging feelings...how do I cope with them?

 

It's hard to not think that his new GF has nothing to do with me. I know this is the advice we are all supposed to give one another but he did break up with me, so how can one not take it personally? I know, I've read all the books and "it's about him, not you" stuff but still, it's difficult to not wonder what I did, or said, that turned him off.

 

This one may stick, who knows? He turns 50 this year and I'm sure he doesn't want to grow old alone. As long as she is younger and fits all his criteria, he may commit to her.

 

I've tried the feeling sorry for her routine, but it hasn't worked yet. She may do everything right and things will work out for them. I guess if that is the case, I should take the high road and be happy for them.

 

I don't want to see them together, I'm afraid it will be very uncomfortable. I'm sure I'll have to meet her and talk to her if they continue to come to our shows and I'll have to be fake and friendly. And inside I will be dying, and I'll feel like crap.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So what if he marries her if he only marries her because he doesn't want to be alone. At 50 years old do you really think he is going to change? He may change long enough to woo her but then he will be back to his old self. The two of you have been broken up for a while so it was inevitable that he would find someone..he was out there lying his way into a new relationship. You really need to focus on the type of man he is....I wonder if a lot of your pain has to do with the fact that you feel badly that you have nobody and that with him you were hoping your single days would be over...in other words you don't feel badly about losing him as a person, you feel badly about losing what he represented to you...the end of being single and finally having a life-long partner.

[redhearts]

Ya if you quit you let him win, you let him have the victory of not having you there.

[rapunzel]

CAD, I think it's possible he will fall in love with her, they certainly seemed quite cozy and happy the other night. If she is smart and doesn't let things go too fast or give him the upper hand, (both mistakes I made), then he may fall for her. I made many mistakes, and have a hard time forgiving myself.

 

I think it's possible he will change, maybe not with this girl, maybe with this girl. I know him enough to know he does not want to be alone forever.

 

I'm trying to focus on his bad points but right now I'm still glorifying his good points, and he does have good points. I do feel badly about losing him as a person although he can be overly sensitive and could be a handful. And he just was not that into me, bottom line. He often checked out other women when we were together, and not very discreetly. And yes, the fantasy of him being my one and only is dashed.

 

Redhearts, hear what you are saying....I often felt this way, I am not going to give him the satisfaction or ego boost. I'm trying no longer to think of who wins and who loses here but the best way to protect myself and to be able to heal and move on to a better life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What you are seeing is the excitement of a new relationship...of course they look so well connected...I bet when your relationship with him was new everyone thought how well connected both of you appeared. Same with the other woman he couldn't commit to. Do you really think his roving eye had to do with you just not matching up...of course not...he has a roving eye because that's who he is...and that won't end even if he marries this woman. He didn't stick with you, not because of your "mistakes" but because of his own issues...the same issues which have him grossly misrepresenting his age on dating websites...the same issues that have him winking at you suggestively while being in a brand new relationship. As for falling in love...given what you have written about him and how he behaves, he only has eyes for one person....himself...his love affair is with himself and the other women are simply his disciples.

[rapunzel]

Well, actually we kept it under wraps as we were in the band together...so no one could say we looked so happy and connected together.

 

But thanks for what you said, some of it is true. I do think due to the major depression he had last year that he has examined some his issues (and he told me this) and he knows his mistakes and wants to work on them. He went to a therapist. I made the huge mistake of thinking it was OK to get involved with him while he was depressed, partially over his ex finally moving on. Dumb, dumb on my part. Although he admitted a lot of his pain was ego when he found out she really just wanted to be friends with him.

 

All this stuff and what you said CAD, I understand intellectually. But emotionally I am having a tough time getting over the hurdles. I sleep fitfully at night and every time I wake up I am ruminating, going over details, thinking about what kind of pain and discomfort lies ahead if I stay in the band, and crying. Yes, I sobbed in the middle of the night last night. I just want to disappear and in 6 months I'll be much better.

 

But then again, I fear I will seriously regret that decision.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, it is very easy for the brain to say one thing but the problem is the emotions are screaming the complete opposite. So while you can act in a certain way to follow what your brain is telling you, your emotions have a mind of their own and defy the brain...there is a disconnect between actions and feelings. It will take time to sort it out. Just remember that this man has never truly made you happy...it was too much of a rollercoaster with him. Also, as I recall you were several years younger than him and now he has gone for an even younger model. He is looking for arm candy..which is why he lied about his age. Do you really think he changed all that much and that counselling helped? I don't think so...remember he lied about his age to get some young thing..and now he has his young arm candy to parade around. He actually hasn't changed one bit.

[rapunzel]

It will take time to sort it out and I don't know if I'm going to want to do it in front of him, her and all the other people. I know no one can tell me what to do and I'm just beside myself... I keep thinking that it could have worked out between us if I had not made so many mistakes. I know I need to accept and move on but the memories and regrets are plaguing me.

 

I am two years younger than he is, he is 49 and I'm 47. I used to look quite young but in the last year I'm really starting to show my age. The new woman appears to be no more than 40 but I really don't know...she could even be 35, or 42. But definitely not more than 42 as that was his cut off!

 

I know, I keep reminding myself that he lied about his age and would I want to be with someone who would do that just so he could have a younger woman. He does look younger and is very, very good looking. He knew he could get someone younger and that's what he wanted, so he did. I wonder just when he fessed up that he was actually 49 and will be 50 this year, although I don't know if for sure he met her on line. He did take his profile down a few days after our show last weekend. He's so good looking and charming that he will probably get away with lying about his age...she will forgive him if she hasn't already.

 

I don't know if he has changed, I guess people don't change all that much at our age but he was well aware of his issues due to the pain he went through from his depression.

 

I just hope the answer comes to me and I will know what I need to do. I can't take much more of the sleepless nights.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You keep blaming yourself..had you done this differently and that differently maybe you would be together..but really...you could have done EVERYTHING perfectly and he still would have behaved like this because he did the same thing to his previous ex and probably countless women before that. When there is true love people forgive mistakes and work through them. If I remember correctly you were upset one time when you were broken up because this guy was giving someone in the audience the eye and you were afraid he just met his perfect match. This guy is smooth and he knows how to get the ladies hooked...the thing is he never give his heart away because he just wants to be adored.

[rapunzel]

Thanks CAD....some of what you say is probably true. he does have an ego. He is very good looking and he knows it. And he did admit to a huge ego crush when his ex moved on, he admitted that it was not about love at that point, it was about his ego. He's not a complete jerk though, he does have a very sensitive side. Yet I remember before we got together he gave me a sultry wink at a show we had one night. I guess he does have the moves together.

[Batya33]

I think in order to protect yourself you have to assume that he will marry her (i.e. assume the worst). I think you should do the utterly cliche, basic pros/cons list of staying/going and then examine it hard. Read it to a trusted friend. You seem to go off on psychological tangents whenever you write about this guy and the band so I think it's time to get down to nitty gritty basics the way a 10 year old would if she were deciding whether to play soccer or take ballet lessons.

 

I think you need to be cordial/polite to both of them but not "fake nice" - and it's fine if you avoid being right around them as long as it is not too obvious or rude (which I know you would not be).

 

(and if there is another comparable band I would consider it - who cares if he "won")

 

Good luck.

[CatsMeeoow]

Well Rap I think I will disagree with everyone here and say that it is time for you to move on and leave the band.

 

You will never continue to grow as a person and see what new doors and windows will open to you if you stay in this current state.

 

I used to think you should stay in the band as well... BUT... THIS HAS GONE ON TOO LONG. What is like 2yr now??? This has become a cancer. The only way to cure cancer is to cut it out... that means leaving the band.

 

You are so unhappy. That you cannot deny.

 

You are so fixated on what you will be missing out on if you leave the band. Did you ever once think about what new and better opportunities you might have if you did leave? What if you stopped crying at night and actually slept well.

 

You are so obssessed that this woman is the end all and be all to him and everything you are not. I agree with the others... it probably won't last... BUT even if it doesn't last it doesn't mean he is coming back to you...

 

I think after 2 yr the only way you are going to get over him is for you to pick up and change directions and move on with your life.

 

You are an amazing girl.... The problem is you can't see it right now due to all the emotions and stress you've placed on yourself. Let it go Rap...

 

HUGS!!!!!!

Cats

[browneyedgirl36]

I actually think I agree with this, Rapunzel. (I tried to PM you, but after I'd typed out the whole thing, my computer froze up! Dang!)

 

Anyway...yeah...a lot of this is what I would have said, as are a lot of the points made by CAD, Batya, and the others. In fact, there were so many good points, I can't remember them all!

 

What Cats pointed out about how long this has been going on is a very good point. Nearly 2 years, right? You weren't a couple for very much of that two years, so you have to look at the big picture and see that a lot of that two years was spent feeling like crap about this guy. Believe me, I understand. I have done the SAME thing, and I'm finally at the point where I'm not crying about it anymore, even though as recently as 5 weeks ago my ex gave me the impression that he was ending his relationship and that there might be a chance for us down the road. Just words. No action. He's still with her, and I've finally given up. I'm tired. I don't think I even see him the same way anymore...maybe that's the first big sign (along with being tired of feeling this way), that I'm moving on.

 

One thing I wanted to reiterate to you that others have said: You are too hard on yourself, and WAY too easy on him. Yes, you acknowledge that he lied about his age, that he has issues, etc., but you still have him on a pedestal, way, way up higher than he could ever possibly deserve. You comment frequently on how attractive he is, how many women are probably interested in him, etc., and in contrast, you comment on your own age and the idea that you've gotten a lot "older" just in the last year, how his girlfriend is a lot younger, etc., and I hate to see you putting yourself down and elevating him to a level that he does not deserve to be. At the end of the day, he is just a man...just a human (and a very flawed one), just like the rest of us. You have got to get away from the notion that she is somehow "better" than you, that he's "out of your league" and all that nonsense stuff that our insecurities tell us to keep us down.

 

I understand where others are coming from when they tell you you should stick with the band, that you shouldn't leave a job that you like over this, but...at the same time, I think, as Cats pointed out, you are limiting other potential experiences you might have, closing yourself off to other people you might meet. What if something really big, really wonderful, is out there for you, and you miss it because you're obligated to this band, focused on trying to just muddle through and "act as if" around your ex and hold all of your feelings in? For me, that would be exhausting, and you deserve better! Sticking with the band has NOT led to you getting over him, even as you have done online dating and met others and pursued other interests -- as long as you are tied to the band, he -- and his various dates and girlfriends and all the bad feelings that come along with that situation -- will be taking up too much space in your head, and you will not be open to new experiences, even if you tell yourself you will be. The ex will continue to loom like a shadow over you.

 

I know it is difficult to think of quitting, and I'm wondering if maybe quitting the band itself and what that will mean is really what is stopping you from doing it. Is it possible that you realize that once you quit, you have no choice but to let go completely, and that scares you? I ask because I've had to be really real with myself lately and ask myself why in the world I keep hanging on to someone who is clearly NOT who/what I need him to be, and I'm pretty sure it's not just about how I feel about him -- it's fear that when I DO finally let go, it'll be like jumping off a cliff -- very scary. Instead of thinking of it that way, though, I need to think of it as being very liberating -- not "Oh my God, what's going to happen to me?" but "Oh, wow! Now that I've let go, all sorts of great things can happen!"

 

One last thing: Try not to dwell on his new relationship. Yes, it may last. They may get married. Then again, it may not. Obviously, it's in the honeymoon stage right now, so of course it looks great, just as my ex's reconcilation with his previous ex probably looked "great" at first (before it went downhill). The point is...whether he stays with this one, doesn't stay with her, finds someone entirely different, dates a string of women, whatever, you have to try to disconnect yourself from it...it isn't about you. It's about him. You can't get bogged down in thoughts of whether or not his relationships will last or how young the women are or how many of them he dates. This is another reason why I think you should leave the band. You know that if he keeps seeing this woman, she'll be around. Even if he doesn't, there may be others. Do you really want to be exposed to that?

 

I agree with Batya's suggestion about the pros and cons list. I've made them myself, and it's been extremely helpful. You might also make a list (I did this, and it helped) of what's keeping me from letting go? I think I titled the list "What Am I Afraid Will Happen if I Just Let Go?" It was a pretty long list, and I think I could even add to it. Honestly, it was all about fear, and a great deal of fear is irrational -- based on feelings, not facts.

 

I have to get going, but please hang in there, and feel free to PM me anytime. Keep us posted on what you decide...

[Daria_Lane]

Oh Rap. Im sorry about this. This is actually one of biggest fears. As much as I like to tell myslf that Im all fine and dandy, the thought of ever seeing my ex with someone else makes me sick. This is why I thank God EVERYDAY that he lives in the city and I live upstate. I know/am sure he's dating which is fine as long as I dont have to see it.

 

Im confused. Why the hell was he winking at you the day before that? were you two in contact or what? Ugh

 

I dont know whether to say you should quit or not. I have too much pride, I'd probably stay just to prove Im not bothered even though Im dying inside but that's not exactly good so I think after your next show, you should take a mini vacation from the band, during the time off, you can figure out whether or not you wanna go back or not. Tell them you're travelling or something or maybe you actually SHOULD travel

[rapunzel]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

We started dating in May 2007 but I met him two years ago this month.

 

I am considering a trip in the next couple of weeks which will give me some time to clear my head and more time off from rehearsals, etc...but I am still feeling like I have to leave the band which feels me with utter sadness. I wish I felt stronger and could rise above it but so far I'm not having much luck.

[rapunzel]

I'm hoping to go on a trip, maybe in the next two weeks....I am afraid my month long absense will make them wonder what is going on....but hopefully I'll have a clearer head to make a better decision after going away.

[rapunzel]

Well I think I've come to a decision that I have to leave the group. I'm not sure my mental and emotional health can withstand staying. I don't think I'll get over him if I have to continue seeing him and my life is not this band, although it has been a very big part of my life for the last two years.

 

I wish I was stronger and could just say "his loss" and continue doing my thing, stay in the group, wish him well with his new woman or whatever woman he ends up with. I wish I could know in my heart that I cannot base my happiness on whether a man, this particular man, wants to be with me or not. But today I've been sobbing uncontrollably all morning. Because I feel backed into a corner and I feel I have to make the decision to quit.

 

I know I have to take care of myself but I keep wondering if staying would make me stronger, make me realize that I cannot let one person define me, define my worth. So his idea of the perfect woman is clearly not me, why do I take that so personally?

 

Yet I feel in 6 months of No Contact I'll be in a better place emotionally. I do worry that I'll always wonder what the band is doing and that I'll be missing out on some great experiences. Maybe they'll get someone new and she won't work out, and maybe in 6 months I could return, if I wanted to and the slot was still open.

 

But if I'm crying for two hours on a Saturday morning something is not right...and I can't face them all (and him) on Monday. I'm afraid my pain will be all over my face and I can't hide it any longer.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling badly this morning. I think you're on to something here, in that you're really thinking now about the emotional toll of continuing to work with your ex and weighing that against what you feel you might lose if you quit the band.

 

You already know my feelings on this; I hesitate to tell anyone to quit a job because of an ex (I haven't quit mine, for a host of personal AND financial reasons), particularly if it wasn't an acrimonious break-up, but if it's causing you this much grief, still, perhaps it's a sign that it's time to move on to something else. You say you wish you could be stronger and just stick it out, and that maybe doing so would make you even stronger, but...I'm inclined to think that sometimes, the stronger thing to do is walk away -- to cut your losses and say, "I did what I could, and it didn't work out. This isn't a healthy situation for me anymore, and it's time to go." I say I think it's the stronger thing to do because, in many ways, it's the HARDER thing to do. Yes, sticking around and seeing your ex date other women would be very, very painful, but walking away from it all and really letting go -- that's much more of a challenge in the long run, and it inspires a lot of fear in people. It's like jumping off a cliff, blindfolded: You have no idea what's out there/down there -- you only know you're falling, and that eventually you're going to land somewhere, but you have no idea what will happen when you do -- scary stuff. But, often it's necessary. Things MAY change if you stick around, but they haven't so far, and it seems you're feeling worse than ever before. This makes sense, because he did dangle the possibility of reconciliation in front of you, only to rip it away again, and that makes it hurt even more, I think. What if he did the same thing again -- started acting as if he wanted you in his life, and then backed away, yet again? At the very least, seeing him with someone else is difficult; it's NOT easy at all to convince ourselves that the person's decision to pursue someone else is NOT about us -- but at least if you were away from him -- and whoever he is currently dating -- that tendency to wonder, "Why her and not me?" would lessen.

 

I don't know the right answer. I just know that, based on what you've posted about this situation from the beginning, quitting the band and moving on to something else would be most beneficial to you. Please keep us posted. Hang in there...

[rapunzel]

Thanks BEG -

 

I was not going to go to our rehearsal last night and then I mustered up some kind of resolute feeling that I was not going to let him ruin my life and/or have that much power over me and what I decide to do. I told myself all those things we tell ourselves to make it better: "it just wasn't meant to be, HIS loss, I'm a great person and he is dead set on getting someone 10-15 years younger so why would I want to be with someone like that, etc." So I was feeling pretty strong, got all ready and decided to go when one of the guys called me to confirm. Then the rehearsal was canceled as someone else could not make it.

 

So my feeling of "strength" didn't last very long. I took an Advil PM to help me sleep yet I woke up several times with ruminating thoughts of "what could have been" had I not done this or not said that. I keep finding MORE reasons to blame myself for what happened. Kept having flashbacks to the past. And I have a constant play mode of the songs we perform running through my head. Sometimes I feel I am just losing my mind. I know this is a VERY unhealthy cycle I'm on and I'm just wondering if NOT seeing him will be the best way to break free or what. And I often wonder if he's happy with her, what they are doing, etc, etc. I know this is futile, and not helpful to my healing.

 

I'm having a coffee date tomorrow morning, so I'm trying to get out there and meet others. I have another week to consider going to a rehearsal and seeing how it feels or just going cold turkey and quitting.

 

A lot of people are advising I stick it out and be strong, as with time eventually I will accept "what is". I'm not so sure...I anticipate rough times ahead if I do stay with it. This band could go on another 2 years, and they want to make a video. Either way, staying or going, it seems there will be pain so which road to choose. I do know that when rehearsal was canceled last night I had a gaping night ahead of me with no plans. And a lot of my nights are like that, except I always have this band to depend on. And I do like the other people in the band a lot, and the music is great. I know I need to get out and do other things (even in a freezing cold winter). I'm shy and I would have to force myself to do this. Leaving the band would leave a huge gaping hold in my life. Last night I talked to a friend who is wonderful and gives me better feedback than my therapist...thank God for her support.

 

Still feel so stuck....I really don't want to see him, at ALL. I feel I need 3-6 months of No Contact to get over this. If I stay, some say, the constant reminder will sink in and I will move on as I will be forced to. I just don't know which is the better choice.

[rustyschackelf]

Don't quit. The pain will pass. You have to accept that he has found somebody new and moved on. I encourge you to do the same.

[summerpeach]

Well Rap I think I will disagree with everyone here and say that it is time for you to move on and leave the band.

 

You will never continue to grow as a person and see what new doors and windows will open to you if you stay in this current state.

 

I used to think you should stay in the band as well... BUT... THIS HAS GONE ON TOO LONG. What is like 2yr now??? This has become a cancer. The only way to cure cancer is to cut it out... that means leaving the band.

 

You are so unhappy. That you cannot deny.

 

 

I agree with this x 1000000000!!!!

 

And I love what you said about this becoming a "cancer" and it needs to be cut out. I could use these words of wisdom as well.

[summerpeach]

Great and healing advice right here.......love this!