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I hate that I can't trust my own family.


scared and alone

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Don't get me wrong, I love them, but I can never believe them. I can never say anything to them and when they tell me anything, especially about another member of my family, I don't know who to believe. And I also hate the fact that what any of them say to me, makes me distrust the other members of my family. This is really screwed up.

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Part of accepting your family is accepting who they are and how they operate, even if you don't like it.

 

When someone tells you something, don't argue, but don't take it on board either until you have the evidence in front of your own eyes. Distrust is a difficult one, especially when it's your own family and you WANT to trust them, but it could be that they sincerely believe what they're telling you and are not intentionally lying. Sometimes people 'rewrite the script' to make themselves sound better and put the other person in the wrong, especially if they don't feel too good about themselves to begin with.

 

It's clear that you can't trust them in the conventional sense of the word. Your family environment sounds crazy-making. However, you can trust your own judgment, realise that they're doing their best - even if it does seem bonkers to anyone else - and don't act on anything you've been told unless you've checked out the facts. If you really can't get to the bottom of any given situation - leave it!

 

You can still relate to these people without being sucked into their games. It's not easy, but it's better in the long term than letting their craziness affect you, too.

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oh. I don't go along with it. Whenever I hear something that sounds... out there I don't really say anything back. I don't argue it im just like 'uh huh...' I honestly don't even know what to say. It's very hard even just talking to them because I know there will be SOME drama, crazy and gossip and I just hate it. We can't just be a normal family. It always has to be something bad. I mean I know that every family isn't normal, but at least they are there for each other and get along for the most part. Not mine. It really feels like we are a bunch of strangers that "talk" every once in a while. Its awkward.

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Whenever I'm positioned in the uncomfortable place of being used as someone's dumping ground for gossip and complaint, I gently cut them off and say, "New rule. You and I can speak of anything in the universe--except for (coworkers, family members, mutual friends, fill in here). I love you, and it's my new resolution to become Switzerland and allow all others to work out their own battles--I can't get involved, and I can't listen to any of it, from you OR from them.

 

They might attempt to argue, but play stupid and stay nice--and stand your ground. If this means they will contact you less, then so be it. Make yourself available only for positive experiences or nothing at all.

 

Don't worry about immediate reactions to your rule--you're training people for the long haul. They'll be angry with you for a while, but the pay off is down the road. Hang in there.

 

In your corner.

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