thistime Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 i need some outside perspective, preferrably from guys...because quite frankly i have no idea what is going on in my bf'f head and he wont tell me. its kind of a long story but here goes...6 years ago I was separated from my husband, had filed for divorce, and I began dating a really great guy. He and I had alot in common, got along great, had a goood sex life, laughed were friends... he even told me he loved me-everything. I also had just lost 85 pounds, so I wasnt ready to "settle" down again, and because i was feeling like a hottie...had a little bit of an ego, and on one particular night...too much to drink - i cheated on him. he found out, and we worked it out for awhile, but I continued to see the other guy, and I broke it off with my BF and started dating the other man. That, without going into the gory details...didnt work out. i was single...didnt even date for 2 years. I had heard that C thats what we will call him...had bought a house, moved his new girlfriend and her kids in and was moving on with his life. Alot had changed in mine, and i did some soul searching and knew what I had done was horribly wrong. I swore if i ever got a second chance with him that i would be better...different. The way a girlfriend should be... Fast forward to August of 2007...I had decided i was ready to date again. I was feeling pretty good about life, and low and behold I returned home one day from work to find a note...from C...stuck in my door. We reconnected, and everything seemed to be going very very well. i confessed to him one night, about 3-4 months into the new phase of 'us' that i had never stopped loving him and that i was so grateful to God that he gave us a second chance. C told me that although he cared for me...he didnt love me. I thought...Hmmm...well OK i reallyhurt him so he is being very cautious. 161/2 months have passed and I am getting a little impatient!!! I want to be able to think about buliding a life together, a home. marriage, possibly a child (i have a daughter...he has none) and I dont have the luxury of time!! I am 38 years old!! ( he is 36) and whenever I ask him if he loves me he says NO. When I ask him if he thinks he ever will, or if the feelings died all those years ago..he says "I dont know!" Am I being totally stupid here, waiting for something that will never come???? and why the heck is he still dating me if he has no feelings for me? I dont want to be without him again, but living in this limbo is killing me!! We dated 6 months when he told me he loved me the first time. Now it's been 16 months and nothing. should I just call it off, and chalk it up to the fact that we have both changed...or am I supposed to just wait. Anybody have anything helpful? dont bother with being nice...just be honest. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Wait a minute..what happened with the new girlfriend who moved in with her children? I assume they are no longer together? It sounds to me like he is probably using you for a good time. He got burned by you and who knows what happened with the next girlfriend...sounds like he was royally burned and just doesn't want anything serious anymore..he just wants a for now girlfriend and nothing more. If you want marriage then I would suggest you move on and start fresh with someone else. Link to comment
thistime Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 yes, new girlfriend couldnt wait either..she wanted a ring. btw..he did tell her he loved her, but he says it was during an argument and he only said it because she wanted him to. tells me he really didnt. She is engaged to someone else. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Why do you want to keep waiting? He says he doesn't love you, he seems like he doesn't want a serious relationship with you or anyone....I would say move on. Find someone that wants the same things as you. Link to comment
thistime Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 i keep waiting because a)his action would imply that he does love me...even if he doesnt use the words. I guess i thik he is just afraid of getting hurt again. and b)i hold out hope that one day, the switch will go on and he will love me. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Okay from a guy. He told you he loved you once and left himself wide open, you betrayed him, "worked it out a while" but continued to see the other guy. I don't think he trusts you. It is very hard to rebuild trust after what you did. You not only got drunk and cheated but then worked on your relationship with him the whole time you were sleeping with someone else. You basically made him a choice until something else came along. He probably isn't willing to take that chance with you again. lost Link to comment
thistime Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 lostandhurt...I understand, and it makes sense. Thanks. I can say that during these last 161/2 months I have been ULTIMATELY faithful...do you think if I just stay with him, over time, he will learn to trust me again? I can do that... Link to comment
savignon Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I think people who are cheated on don't really see that person the same way anymore, even if they try. What a betrayal!! Men and women say to themselves, "never again"...and don't let themselves be fully 'with' that person again. On top of that, he is telling you he doesn't love you and "doesn't know" if he ever will. He may be comfortable enough to stay with you but I doubt that he'll get those feelings back if he's telling you straight out 'no'. My mother told me one time, "people tell you everything you need to know....you just have to be listening!!" You're not listening. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 during these last 161/2 months I have been ULTIMATELY faithful... I'm sorry, but this is *expected* behavior...not something he's going to congratulate you for, be thankful for, trust you for or marry you for. (you said just be honest....sorry if that stung!) Link to comment
thistime Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 lost...youre good! I asked him about this. if he is really does not trust me, and he said...it's getting better...I know I crushed him before, his friends and family have told me that, and several of them asked him, when they found out we were together again, if he was sure he knew what he was doing, and he told them yes. for the record, I am a very impatient person...i want it all and I want it now...he on the other hand mulls over things, weighs the pros and cons, and is very educated in his decisions which take alot longer then most people. for him, 12 months is nothing...for me a lifetime. I know I need to reel myself in a little...give him time to trust me. He said he wouldnt be with me now, wouldnt have even entertained the thought of trying again in the first place, if he didnt think there was a chance it would work out, but he is extremely guarded with me...and who can blame him. I did a horrible thing, and i hope no one who reads the opening thread thinks i take my indescretion lightly! I AM NOT proud of what I did...and i know the situation of our relationship currently is because of that action. Link to comment
thistime Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 a small update: C and i were able to talk this weekend. surprisingly, he did 'open up' a little with me, mostly about the fact that what he thinks are expressions of his feelings, I disregard as just "things couples do." in a conversation he and I had a while ago, he said our relationship was "staus quo..' which to me, means NOT moving forward, so i asked him about that also, and he said to him, staus quo means the relationship is where it should be at the time (?)...anyway, he ended it by saying that he does want to be with me, but he needs our relationship to slowly rebuild, not to jump off the edge with our eyes closed...and that I wasnt the one who got hurt...he was. So I need to let him lead this time, if i want to keep dancing with him. All in all it was a good weekend...I think. Link to comment
thistime Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 i guess the last couple of weeks of his 'staus quo" was short lived on me. the other night, i just came straight out and asked him why he stays with me in a dating compacity if he knows there is no real future because he doesnt love me like a man should love a woman that he hopes to marry and have a life with, and he said he thinks we 'get along fine', and that he doesnt think every dating couple is 'in love'. So i stated that I didnt think every dating couple was in love, but that over time...if the relationship doesnt develop into love, shouldnt they break up and move on to find someone they can love/ he said he doesnt know why I cant just be happy with the way things are, and stop wanting more. is he crazy, or am I? I also asked him about the fact that he still doesnt trust me (see post from lostandhurt) and he said it isnt that. He just doesnt believe he has the ability to love anymore. he 'cares about' me...(i hate that expression, what does that really mean anyway?) but he cant say he loves me. So i said...whay dont you just break up with me then? his reply was that he doesnt want to look like the bad guy! my question to all of youis this...Do you really believe that certain people do not have the ability to love? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Sure, I think that some people just can't love. However many people sell themselves short and do have the ability to be in love but just haven't met the right person so they just settle for the next one who comes along in order to not be alone. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is settling with you...he doesn't feel like he loves you in any deep and meaningful way, he is just comfortable with you and doesn't want to be alone. He also sounds like a coward...he may not want to LOOK like the bad guy by breaking up with you but he is already BEING the bad guy by being ambivalent about you and not bothering to end the relationship...just keep stringing you along. Some people are not concerned about their actions...they just want to cleverly disguise bad actions so that the APPEAR like good people. In other words they are frauds. Why are you letting the decision be his...if he won't take the bull by the horns and end things then why don't you end things and walk away with your dignity. Who cares about him wanting to be the good guy...that's all in his mind anyway...you need to take care of your life. You have tried to make amends for your past behaviour and he can't really forgive you so why bother. He wants you around for his convenience and nothing more. Perhaps it is time for you to end this farce of a relationship once and for all. Link to comment
thistime Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 I guess I feel like this is my punishment for cheating on him all those years ago when we dated the first time, and that...becasue I did that, and changed who he is as a person, that if I want to be with him at all I have to accept things this way, because, after all, I am the one who made him shut down. He is extremely guarded with his feelings because I broke his heart before. If I want to be with him, this is what I get. I also dont want to be the one who ends it because then he will say 'I told you so". Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I guess I feel like this is my punishment for cheating on him all those years ago when we dated the first time, and that...becasue I did that, and changed who he is as a person, that if I want to be with him at all I have to accept things this way, because, after all, I am the one who made him shut down. He is extremely guarded with his feelings because I broke his heart before. If I want to be with him, this is what I get. I also dont want to be the one who ends it because then he will say 'I told you so". So you think you have to pay for it for the rest of your life? Life is too short for that. You did not make him this way, he has CHOSEN to be this way. Who cares if he says "I told you so". It is not like he is behaving in an admirable fashion so who cares what he thinks. A healthy relationship does not hold on to grudges..the past gets left in the past. It sounds like neither of you want to let go of this but for purely stubborn self-involved reasons as opposed to loving the other person. Link to comment
thistime Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Oh i do love him. i cannot express the guilt I had, and still have about cheating. I cant believe I was given another chance...even tho it's not exactly the way I had hoped it would be, and I swore if given another chance I would be as wonderful to him as he was to me...the first time. like I said... he knows I need him to love me, but he refuses to as a form of punishment. Almost like he is thinking..."you hurt me, and now, I know i am hurting you, so you know how it feels." but I dont want to have to be without him. crazy, i know. I'm really not sure what to do Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Oh i do love him. i cannot express the guilt I had, and still have about cheating. I cant believe I was given another chance...even tho it's not exactly the way I had hoped it would be, and I swore if given another chance I would be as wonderful to him as he was to me...the first time. like I said... he knows I need him to love me, but he refuses to as a form of punishment. Almost like he is thinking..."you hurt me, and now, I know i am hurting you, so you know how it feels." but I dont want to have to be without him. crazy, i know. I'm really not sure what to do A healthy relationship does not involve punishment for wrong-doing. It involves frank discussion and setting of healthy boundaries, but not punishment. Link to comment
Sparkle Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Hi This time It is very difficult to trust again, but it can return. You dont really say much about his past before you and if he had been hurt before (you hurt him the first time), but unfortunately stuff does accumulate. Punishing you is wrong though. If he really is at a place where he does not love you (and cant even say it) then you have to take into consideration your own situation as it is here and now. You did something wrong yes, but he has either forgiven you or not. It seems by the things he says to you still, about the fact that you hurt him, means he either hasnt moved on from it, or is holding it against you so that he doesnt have to commit further at this point. As much as trust does take hard work to return, after 16 months you should be seeing some headway from him. If you had let him down time and time again during this period, his reticience could be understandable. Personally, I would pull back a bit, make sure you continue your independent life, and see friends, go out and enjoy your hobbies. You could give yourself a personal deadline, to see if there have been any improvements in the relationship. You could go on for a long time in a 'hopeful relationship' where you are hoping and waiting for it to get to the point where you feel that you will be contented. In a good relationship you should feel that way now, and its easy to keep on doing the same things. You also need to forgive yourself for what you did. If he cant get over it and is telling you as much by not being able to give you his heart, then you need to move on and find someone who can love you wholeheartedly. Link to comment
thistime Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 he has never been able to make a relationship last longer then around 2 years...besides me, the only other relationship he has had that i feel he got hurt in was the one he had right before me, the second time/this time. He was with her for about 3 years, and I think he really considered marrying her, and starting a family. He even bought a house in a town 1/2 way between her family and his, with enough room to accommodate a family of 4 or more ( his words, not mine!). She was very controlling and jealous and he stuck it out and put up with alot from her, and after he told her he wasnt ready to get married, she dumped him. He waited from April roughly, until June just to see if it was 'really over' with her. Then he moved on. He and i reconnected in August, and I have told him I dont think he has had enough time to get over her, but he insists he has. he is good to me in some ways he is very good to me, but emotionally he is still very distant. Again, I dont want to be without him, but I cant live in this limbo of 'will he ever grow to love me?" Link to comment
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