MattW Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Alrighty. Some of you have heard my story a million times, already (but hey, I'm getting better at shortening it up, right? lol). Let me hurry up and catch up everyone else. Early in 2008, I got back in touch (via MySpace) with a girl I had a huge crush on when we were in grade school. We exchanged messages for a while, and she seemed pretty happy to have heard from me in the first place. Learning more about who she's grown up to be, I started getting feelings for her again. 'Course, there were (and still are *some*) complications. When one of the big "complications" cleared itself up, I panicked, and jumped the gun about writing her and asking to meet up to catch up in person. I think I made her pretty uncomfortable with that (my timing was bad, and looking back, I really didn't build up to it all that well, just kinda sprang it out of nowhere). She never answered me back... I wrote again a couple of weeks later, just saying hi, trying to get SOME response, and again, nothing... Disappointed, I backed off, feeling down about how I screwed things up with one message. It's been about four or five months since then; I didn't write to her again until recently. The weekend after Christmas (last Sunday, I think?) I wrote her, just asking how she's been doing and wishing her a late merry Christmas. The week passed, and again, no response... These last couple of days, I've been trying to just get over this "defeat"; I figured, maybe I can see how things are in a few years, and try writing again. Yesterday morning, though, I woke up to an e-mail notification that I had gotten a message back on MySpace from her! She responded back to my Christmas message, and even though she didn't mention the last two messages I sent months ago, she seemed in good spirits to be talking to me again. So, I've been pretty happy all day that we're at least back on speaking terms. That's at least a minor victory, I think, heh... But now I'm bringing myself back down to reality, here, and trying to figure out where to take this from here. Seems I've been given another chance, here, but after I messed things up so bad a few months ago, I no longer trust my own judgement. I just don't want to screw things up again, yanno? And even if I can't get a relationship going, I don't want to get her to stop talking to me again... At the very least, I like being able to write back and forth with her. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I would chill out about this. Her enthusiasm is underwhelming. She simply could have politely responded to Christmas wishes contact. I am concerned if you try again with her you will be left in the same situation with her ignoring you. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I think you need to get out of this mindset that you "screwed up", but now you've been "given another chance." I really don't think she's interested, and that's why she didn't respond to your request to meet up, but she politely responded to your Christmas message. Link to comment
MattW Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Well, see, I never expected her to be at the same interest level as I am. My goal is to try and build her interest level, and I'm just not sure how to do that. Yanno? That's what I meant when I said I sprang that "meeting up" message on her out of nowhere; I picked a bad time to write that, and I never even really built up to it. I don't necessarily think she's "uninterested" in me (er, not that I think she's definitely "interested", either; more neutral, I'd say), but there are a lot of weirdos on the Internet, and with those last messages I sent her, I probably didn't paint the best picture of myself. So, it's not as though I expect to start dating her next week, or something, heh. I know that if I want to pursue this, it's going to be a long, bumpy road, and that it's not going to be easy. I'm trying to take things one step at a time, and obviously, step one has to be to start building her interest level in me. Which, I think is doable, but A) I'm highly inexperienced with girls and coming off as "attractive" to them, and B) the fact that MySpace is our form of communication doesn't exactly make things easier. Plus, going back to the Christmas message, she responded in such a way that she left it open for me to write a reply to. If she just gave me a simple "thanks", or something, I could see your point, as she'd be cutting the conversation right then and there. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Well, it is worth trying again but just keep things in perspective. Link to comment
MattW Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 So anyone out there have any tips on how I can build up her interest level? Right now, that's the basic question I'm asking, in this topic; I just kinda figured given what's happened so far, this is kind of a special case, and I have to sort of tread lightly with her. I'm waiting a few days to reply to her, but even at this point, I'm not sure how to keep the conversation going and build some interest from her. @_@ Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 If she is really interested she will keep the conversation going. When one person isn't interested the conversation falls flat. That is what happened with you and her. You can ask her how school is going etc and see what happens. Link to comment
MattW Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Alrighty, then. Anyone else have anything to toss out there? Link to comment
mfan Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Just want to tell you, I wish you lots of luck. I had an experience like this once before - When I was 22 I called a girl who I had had a crush on in 8th grade (and hadn't seen since then either). We actually had a really nice conversation and I was so excited by it! Then I made the mistake of calling her the very next day (because it seemed like an eternity to me) but her reaction made me realize how freaky a thing that was that I had done. I decided I'd better never contact her again to save face on all sides. But I still regret the mistake 14 years later. Maybe someday it'll feel okay to contact her again. So I think it's wonderful that you have a possible second chance with your friend! Just give her time to get comfortable with you and I bet you'll be fine Link to comment
savignon Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 When a girl is really interested, she'll take an offer to go out. Interest builds naturally, so there's no way to create that really. Once you get in touch with her again, if she doesn't respond, it probably means she's just not interested...not that you jumped the gun or did something wrong. She may have just been being polite as most people are during the holidays but you'll find out soon if there's anything other interest brewing. Don't be afraid of "failing", though....she'll either take the bait or not and it really has nothing to do with whether or not you play your cards right. Link to comment
MattW Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 When a girl is really interested, she'll take an offer to go out. Interest builds naturally, so there's no way to create that really. Well, I don't know that I think it's that black and white; I think it's certainly possible to not be "interested" (romantically) in some one right away, but as time passes, that can change. Same scenario here, the way I see it. And yeah, I think when I wrote that message about getting together months ago, that I made a mistake. Looking back at it now, I feel like an idiot for handling things the way I did. I mean, we wrote a little bit for a few months (while she was in a serious relationship, mind you), I didn't let on much about myself, she goes through what I assume was an ugly break up, and mere weeks after that happens, here I am asking her to meet up in person. Eh, who does that? Seriously... >_ If you were her in that situation, what would you have done? Hell, I probably would've ignored me, too. But now she's willing to talk to me, again, and I'd think that's a step in the right direction, at the very least, right? It's also worth noting, back when her and I were first writing, I made an offhand comment about seeing her again, fairly early on, and she actually implied she'd be fine with that. So... She may have just been being polite as most people are during the holidays but you'll find out soon if there's anything other interest brewing. How so? If she suddenly stops writing to me again? Or... what? 'Cuz I'm pretty much clueless, here. Anyway, I just responded to the message she had sent me, and I'm trying to use the subject of school to keep a conversation going. I'll guess we'll find out in about a week or so how well that goes over. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 You say you're clueless, but as people here are trying to "clue you in", you're kind of refuting what everyone is saying.... It's not something you're doing right or wrong. If she had a bad break up (which you're presuming) and you asked her out weeks later, she would've said yes if she were up for it. She wasn't and stopped contact altogether. One email doesn't necesarily mean you're "back in touch" and people are cautioning you about getting your hopes up. It's not a "second chance" but rather just an email saying hi. You say she implied early on that she'd be fine with getting together but when the time came, she didn't take the offer. You seem really hopeful and like a nice guy and nobody is trying to take the wind out of your sails...just take it easy and be yourself and see if anything comes of it. What I meant by "you'll find out soon enough" is whether or not she writes you back and what she says if/when she does. You ask what I would do in that situation....if I thought of you as just a friend, I'd get together with you regardless of a bad breakup....if I thought you were interested and I was too but wasn't ready b/c of the breakup, I'd say exactly that and ask for a raincheck. I would not stop talking to you. If I thought you were interested and I weren't, I'd email less or back off somehow. Let us know how it goes!! Link to comment
MattW Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 You say you're clueless, but as people here are trying to "clue you in", you're kind of refuting what everyone is saying.... It's not something you're doing right or wrong. If she had a bad break up (which you're presuming) and you asked her out weeks later, she would've said yes if she were up for it. She wasn't and stopped contact altogether. Well, that I understand. It's just, in my way of thinking, I hadn't previously given her reason enough to be interested in me. And to be fair, I didn't do that because she was in a relationship at the time, and that woulda been kinda rude, heh. So, don't get me wrong, I don't blame her for not answering me last time. At the same time, though, I don't think that necessarily closes things off completely for me and her; personally, I think she was weirded out, for one, that some one she hadn't seen in years and barely knew much about asked her out (er, well, I didn't word it to make it sound like a date, actually) over the Internet, let alone did so weeks after she split up with her boyfriend of 8-9 months. One email doesn't necesarily mean you're "back in touch" and people are cautioning you about getting your hopes up. It's not a "second chance" but rather just an email saying hi. You say she implied early on that she'd be fine with getting together but when the time came, she didn't take the offer. You seem really hopeful and like a nice guy and nobody is trying to take the wind out of your sails...just take it easy and be yourself and see if anything comes of it. What I meant by "you'll find out soon enough" is whether or not she writes you back and what she says if/when she does. Heh, I guess I understand that, too... It's not that I'm necessarily so obsessed with making something happen that I'm purposely tuning out what you guys are telling me, it's just, I want to know, should this really be a "second chance", how do I make sure to do it right? Yanno? Like, what kind of pacing should I be doing with my messages, what kind of things should I try to talk about, what topics I should maybe avoid, how to keep the conversation going (which I'm terribly bad at), etc. It's not that I'm getting my hopes up, but I want to sort of have some kind of plan this time instead of just stumbling in blind. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I respect assertiveness and directness in people - i get the impression that you think asking a woman out has to be timed just right or it fails. I disagree, from personal and vicarious experience. Call her and ask her out on a date you have planned - have the plan in mind - not 'hang out" but "would you like to go to dinner with me on Saturday" or if there is an activity or interest she has, plan a date around that. No need to "build" her interest level prior to asking her out on a date - while on the date, you can gauge the level of interest. Link to comment
MattW Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Interesting idea, but A) I don't have her number (looking back, that probably would've been a more logical next thing to ask her, over meeting up right away @_@), and B) I didn't want to mention this before, because I was worried you guys might discourage me further from pursuing her, but were her and I to get together, it would have to be on semi-long distance terms. So, it kinda makes nailing down a specific date tough. See, she goes to a college that's, I dunno, roughly about 1.5-2 hours away from me. But, she seems to come home for the summer ("home" for her is in a city that's not more than 15-20 minutes away), some weekends, and sometimes on other extended breaks. So, last year, when she and her boyfriend split up, she was to be going back to school in a few weeks, and with her being home, that seemed like the perfect time to try to get something going with her, but eh. I'm sure she probably came home for a Christmas/ New Years break, but I don't know when she'd be back in school. I start my next semester this week, so I'd imagine she's probably back at college by now. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Ask her for her number and go up there for a day to take her out on a date. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 She's not interested. You can't build it up... it was never there and won't be. She probably felt inclined to reply out of courtesy and IMO if you try to create more contact she will just end up being annoyed with you rather than become attracted to you. For your own sake, move on...don't write to her again. She has your contact... any relationship needs work on both parts, not just yours. Link to comment
MattW Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Well, let's see if she writes me back, first. If she's willing to maintain contact with me, wouldn't that be a good sign? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Well, let's see if she writes me back, first. If she's willing to maintain contact with me, wouldn't that be a good sign? There is a big difference between maintaining contact and actually meeting up and having a mutual agreement to date and have a relationship. I wouldn't look at anything as signs at this point. Exchanging emails is no guarantee that it will progress to anything further. Signs are not of any use if the other person does nothing tangible to make an actual relationship happen. Link to comment
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