Unsure of what to do for Christmas...

[lostwithouthim]

It's been 15 months since my partner's death and if I'm honest with myself I have to admit I'm doing much better than I was even 3 months ago. The problem is that although I don't cry much anymore, I laugh more frequently and somehow I keep my chin up even when other things seem to fall apart I have no desire to celebrate Christmas this year.

 

Last year, just a couple of months after his death from the car accident we were in I had this same feeling at Thanksgiving. I had been invited to many different homes (friends/family) and my family and close friends kept asking 'where are you going to be for the holiday?'. I remained clueless until the day before Thanksgiving. I had to be in NYC for a meeting with my attorneys in the civil case against the drunk driver that took his life and thought I would simply be heading up to my family's place outside Boston that afternoon. After my meeting when it came time to decide which bus to take I froze. I didn't want to be anywhere...not home, not with family, not with friends. In that moment I had clarity...I wanted to stay right where I was. All things considered I had a nice time. I spent the next couple of days with two close friends and a simple dinner Thanksgiving night. It was exactly what I needed.

 

Last year...for Christmas, I had half of my family at my home and on Christmas Eve bought and decorated a tree for my nieces and nephews. It was a very sad time for me but my family was around and got me through it. This year I have not bought one present, don't have a tree, haven't touched my holiday decorations, haven't planned my annual holiday party, haven't listened to one Christmas song, nothing.... I have been invited to many family and friends places for the holiday and it has nothing to do with them...I just can't 'see myself' in any particular place. A big part of me just wants to stay home and work on house projects treating it as any other day of the week. All of the friends and family members I'd be visiting are coupled and/or have families. I know what it feels like to be the only single one in the crowd--that's the way it was most of my life before meeting my partner when I was 30. I can't go back to feeling that way this year.

 

I just don't know what to do...my therapist tells me to do what I think will make me feel 'ok'. I don't know what that is. I guess if I did what I 'felt' like I'd hop on a plane to a warm destination and pretend it was the middle of summer...however, financially, that's not an option. What types of things helped you make this decision? It was such a big holiday for me and my partner...he LOVED Christmas and my favorite part was surprising him with one present after another. I guess if I had been able to afford to buy presents for my family (lost my job 2 weeks ago) I wouldn't feel half as bad about visiting them. I just don't want to be around the gift giving, the music, the festivities...makes my stomach turn thinking about it. I don't have much time to decide since we're supposed to get a nasty winter storm tomorrow morning through tomorrow night.

[Sn0man]

If celebrating Christmas this year is too painful, then you should do whatever you feel comfortable with instead. If not having gifts to bring is the problem, then it isn't really a problem, because a lot of people are going through some difficult times financially right now and will understand.

 

Just do whatever is best for you. If that means curling up on the couch with a bunch of good movies then so be it. If you think that may be too lonely for you, then seeing family would be the best choice.

[Pink Wings]

*hugs* I'm sorry things are so hard right now. The holidays are always hard for me too because my mother died during this time when I was my daughters age. I would say just like your therapist says, just do what you think is ok. Work on those house projects and keep yourself busy, but don't forget to make contact with your loved ones if you need some support. Don't get too overwhelmed, just take a deep breath and clear your mind when you need to.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Can you spend Christmas doing some voluteer work...perhaps at a homeless shelter serving up the Christmas meal? I know it is not the same as having your partner around, but if you are feeling at loose ends it might help you feel good knowing that you are helping others out who are down on their luck.

[KG]

I'd go with what your therapist says.

 

I was doing well until last night, now I don't even want to celebrate, but for my son's sake. It's just the two of us, all the time. Every event/holiday feels the same, and the empty chair at dinner is like the 300 pound gorilla....

[lostwithouthim]

Thanks for all the feedback and support. I had planned to visit a longtime friend in Maine (who is also not celebrating the holiday this year) but weather kept me from leaving yesterday. I ended up making progress on painting one of my rooms while cranking the stereo with some upbeat music. I'd been invited to a couple of dinners/parties locally last night but just did not want to be around all of that. It worked out fine. I feel a sense of accomplishment having moved a couple of house projects further along. Although I don't cry much anymore when I laid down in bed and started looking around the room at all the photos of the two of us together it really hit home how much I miss him. It's still very difficult for me to comprehend that he's actually dead. I cried a bit and allowed myself to feel the loss and have to say I feel better for having done that.

 

At this point, I'm not sure I'll travel to Maine since I'm actually feeling 'ok' being home alone and not celebrating. To me...it's just another Thursday, but one that gives me time to get some things done around the house. I hope you're all doing ok, and if you feel that you're 'alone'...you're not. The name of this website reminds us that even though we may not know each other face-fo-face that we do know each other more intimately in ways that those in our lives may not. Thanks for your support--it's always been there when I've needed it the most.

 

KG--I wonder if you might know someone you could invite over to fill that empty seat today? Maybe it's someone you don't know very well, or maybe a longtime friend, but I'm guessing you know someone who would jump at the chance to spend the holiday with you and your son. Maybe they have plans for part of the day, maybe they don't. Just a thought.... Wishing you all the best. Thanks.

 

LWH

[KG]

LWH,

Thanks for the suggestion, but we keep our traditions between he and I...as per his wishes. He doesn't like to change things, so I respect that!