My personal interpretation of the "nice" guy vs the player guy

[epsilon2x]

First off I'd like to start off by saying I'm generally a nice guy. I'm pretty cocky and arrogant at times but I wouldn't say it's a bad thing. It's just how I am. I have absolutely no problem approaching women and "pushing the envelope". I always have multiple women I can go to and have sex with or just go out and have a good time with. When I don't have that around I have no problem going to a bar or club and picking up a couple more for the night. I'm not meaning to brag by any means but I just wanted to describe myself before I put up my interpretation so you can see what side I'm on and tell me whether or not you agree with me.

 

I'm tired of my friends or just guys in general that say stuff like:

 

I don't see why that girl is with him, I'd treat her so much better.

 

He didn't hold the door for her.

 

He doesn't call her enough.

 

He doesn't compliment her enough.

 

I bought her roses and a ring for her birthday and she still doesn't want me, while her douche bag boyfriend just took her to his bed room.

 

The list keeps going you get the drift.

 

Basically I think the difference between the arsehole-player and the "nice" guy is... THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE. They both want the same thing.

 

Think about it. When you approach a girl, whether you're successful or not. Whether she had a good personality or not. You still went up to her for 1 reason. Because you found her physically attractive. Now not all guys want to have sex with her but it's all lust when it starts out like that. It could go anywhere from kissing to sex. It doesn't matter for this argument.

 

I think often times the "nice" guy is just socially awkward and doesn't know how to interact with women. They don't realize that just because she's an attractive girl she should be treated to a degree just like one of the guys.

 

You wouldn't meet a new guy and offer to take him out to dinner, or buy him a drink, just because you think they are cool. NO, its because you are looking for something else. It's the only way they know how to socialize with women.

 

I think it's loosely to blame on tv shows and movies that show false betrayals of how the desperate boy magically gets the girl of his dreams.

 

The so called "nice" guys don't understand when a normal guy goes up to a girl and chats to her and is cocky and funny, and busts HER balls a little bit and the next second she is all over him. They just assume he's an arsehole.

 

I mean seriously. How much fun would it be having a friend that all he wants to do is agree with you on everything. Who's too afraid to speak his mind in fear that you won't agree with him. The guy who is basically buying your friendship, then at the end of the night expects you to sleep with him, or give him a good night kiss.

 

This thread is a little scattered, bare with me.

 

But I constantly hear guys say stuff like. "I don't get it. I asked her what her favorite color is, what her favorite band is, what kind of music she listens to, what sports she plays. We had so much in common but she put me in the friend zone because I'm to nice"

 

News flash, its not because you're too nice. It's because you were boring to her. And if you've been friends with her for a while and she says you're too nice. It's because you waited to long to make the first move. Which I'm sorry to say comes off as wussy to most girls.

 

Basically to sum up everything up. Nice guys want the same thing. They just don't know how to do it. They're not really any nicer then the player or arsehole. You can be a nice guy and still pick up countless numbers of girls.

 

I wasn't trying to insult anyone on this forum, maybe for someone who needs help it will finally click when they read this.

 

Does anybody agree with me or do they think my theory is just as dumb as my other friends who wonder why they can't get a date?

 

****

[lady00]

I agree with you, actually. I think this is spot on.

 

I think, however, that the men who get the girl (as in for a relationship) do all these things and are consistent and follow through and show interest through actions.

 

Personally, holding doors open, calling a lot, gifts, compliments...all well and good, but I think most women are looking for more than that. That's just surface stuff. We are looking for confidence. A guy who will call us out on our bs from time to time (we do the same after all!). A guy who does not bore us to tears. Having a lot in common really isn't important to me. Having values in common matters more to me than having interests in common...so if I have a lot of interests in common with a guy and he's boring, then I'm not going to interested in him romantically.

[Timebandit]

I think the main differentiator between "nice guys" and "the not-so-nice-guys"[TM] is intent. There is no problem in caring about other people, but "nice guys" usually think way too much about what other people might think about them. As such, much of their behaviour is centered around pleasing people or avoiding to upset other people. They try to control how other people react to them or think about them. Their actions are used as a tool to get other people to like them and are not necessarily out of genuine interest or concern (or perhaps having mixed intentions is a better way to describe nice guys).

 

So even if the "nice guy" treats other people well in part because he cares about other people, a part of his intentions stems from his attempt to control other peoples reaction to him. This lack of confidence (or this lack of being internally validated) always leaks. Moreover, attempting to control other peoples reaction to you makes you very stiff and boring (I am speaking as former social phobic - which I in some ways sees as an extreme "nice guy" role).

 

So changing the way you look at yourself is a major step forward for nice guys.

[huskiesfan]

I completely agree with the OP. Nobody wants a yes-man, after all. It is extremely boring! Variety adds spice to a relationship. However, I think the ideal way to do it is seek an even balance between the two. You don't want to be completely boring, because a girl isn't going to be romantically attracted to a mirror image of herself. On the other hand, you can't be totally flippant and semi cocky with girls, because they won't take you seriously, so the relationship won't have any depth to it. So, IMO, a good balance is to know when to be cocky, and when to be a nice guy.

[Dating Coach]

I'd say that your thread hit pretty damn close to the mark.

[Dating Coach]

This is also very true.

[Scorpion Fury]

I concur. If all girls only went for the guys that were "nice", then I doubt forums like ENA would exist

[ghost69]

'nice' in quotes is perfect for this thread. if you would have said 'nice' without quotes vs. player i would have told you that you are wrong. nice description of a pansy wus pushover vs player.

[Truth317]

I think it's very important to be yourself and continue to look for women who meet YOUR standards. Chances are, if a woman is willing to date a jerk and you're "nice" she's not going to appreciate you and you two probably won't match that well. I do think "nice" guys often get the short end of the stick because sometimes they lack the confidence needed to really be successful with most women..

 

It's a game, where only the "elite" players can dominate the division. Whereas the more passive and laid-back players remain at the bottom of the ranking of a woman's list. I never put too much emphasis or give a woman that much power over me. You either like me or you dont. If you don't, then there's somebody else out there who would love to take your spot.

 

"Nice" guys don't think like that. They're too busy trying to impress and many women don't need that, they get enough of that. What they're looking for is somebody that'll be real with them and not be so robotic.

[yankeefan74]

I agree, truth. I think you have the right attitude. People put way too many obstacles between themselves and other people.

 

I generally have zero interest in anyone you have to play games to attract. Those people are far too insecure to have anything substantial with. You shouldn't have to be anything other than who you are.

[girl68]

Personally I don't think "play boys" can be "nice guys". IMO hear me out.

 

Playboys do what you do. Pick up girls, lots of them all the time, any time... etc. Just you like described. Intent plays a part but only a small part. If you're looking for sex, there's no possible way you're a "nice guy" Not IMO. (if a female just wanted to chat a cute guy up because he's so hot she wants to take him home, there is NO WAY she would be described as a "nice girl" I apply same rule to men)

 

Nice guys don't do this. They be the sweet, funny guy, that usually gets intorduced and doesn't have the player vibe. He usually gets overlooked becasue his personality doesn't stand out.

 

I think that those quotes you list, are from guys who are "nice" but typically get overlooked becasue of the typical "girls like badboys" (ie playboys).

 

This of course is just the way I see the world, as I read- I know that I'm a minority with this view.

[Shudder]

nice guy doesnt = a doormat. i think thats what a lot of people confuse here. nice guy = a dude with no self confidence, backbone and is a pushover. that is more a doormat than nice guy.

[girl68]

nice guy doesnt = a doormat. i think thats what a lot of people confuse here. nice guy = a dude with no self confidence, backbone and is a pushover. that is more a doormat than nice guy.

 

Agreed. 10char?

[Lowconfidence]

IMHO, playboys like to flirt with other girls when they are in a relationship. They have no respect for their SO. They love talking about their 'conquests'. The frustating thing is if you try to 'out' a player you are seen as jealous. No, I'm just looking out after you even though I have no desires to go out with you.

[epsilon2x]

I don't think a few of you guys got my point.

 

What's worse. A player who is at least honest about what he wants and goes out and gets it. Or a "nice" guy who beats around the bush by taking her out to dinner and buying her presents.

 

The player isn't necessarily an arsehole. He is just fun to be around and knows how to treat a woman like a regular person. He doesn't have to empty his wallet on her to make up for his lack of personality or social skills.

[flash83]

i always hear nice guys complain how they are so much nicer and should get the girl over a not so nice guy. however as some people said, 'nice' doesn't cut it .. if every girl would settle for a guy who is nice then everyone would be taken.

 

i agree with the OP you need differences because it intrigues the other sex and makes things more interesting.

[Timebandit]

What's worse. A player who is at least honest about what he wants and goes out and gets it. Or a "nice" guy who beats around the bush by taking her out to dinner and buying her presents.

 

You are right that "nice guys" are often not honest about their intentions. But players are certainly not always honest about their intentions either. It is f.ex. not unheard of that players claim to be monogamous when they are in fact not.

[xxNPxx]

'nice' in quotes is perfect for this thread. if you would have said 'nice' without quotes vs. player i would have told you that you are wrong. nice description of a pansy wus pushover vs player.

 

I agree. When 'nice' is referred to as doormat then I have no problem with bashing it.

[epsilon2x]

In this post nice does refer to doormat. Otherwise you can be a nice guy and pick up girls no problem. Either way you still need a little bit of spice.

[grymoire]

If the girl is physically attracted to you she will be with you. Period.

 

It does not matter if you are a nice guy, a$$hole guy, wussy guy, or a jerk guy.

 

You can have all the confidence and cockiness in the world and bust her balls... but it won't matter if she is not attracted to you in the first place. And no, being confident and funny does not create attraction. I learnt it the hard way and I can rely on my own experience.

[lonely rose]

I agree with the part where you said that nice guys waited too long to do the first move. While I hate it when a guy wants sex too early on, there are guys who miss the moment and then go to your friends list as the OP said

[gracerules2008]

Well all I can say is that I've been a jerk to women all my life but not a player. There is a big difference.

[lady00]

If the girl is physically attracted to you she will be with you. Period.

 

It does not matter if you are a nice guy, a$$hole guy, wussy guy, or a jerk guy.

 

You can have all the confidence and cockiness in the world and bust her balls... but it won't matter if she is not attracted to you in the first place. And no, being confident and funny does not create attraction. I learnt it the hard way and I can rely on my own experience.

 

Well, no. A girl with high self-esteem will not be with a jerk or ahole just because he looks good. Been there done that. Lost interest really quickly when I realized that behind the hot exterior was a douche.

 

Of course attraction is required for a relationship. But being a jerk will get you dumped, unless the girl has no self-esteem and likes being treated like dirt.

[lady00]

Well all I can say is that I've been a jerk to women all my life but not a player. There is a big difference.

 

Well, you might want to work on that.

[gracerules2008]

I have no desire to change who I am. The jerk is self righteous. The nice guy is also self righteous too. Why? because nice guys secretly think that a woman owes them a relationship for being nice. It's just that the self righteousness is more overt in the jerk but more subtle with the nice guy.