Im CRAZY

[lizzzy111]

I have put up with horrible treatment and I have reached my breaking point! He is having surgery today and he told me to * * * * off last night when i was upset with him because he wouldnt call me or pick up his phone when all i wanted to say was that i hope everything goes well. He was like i was in the room with the surgeon and my mom (ummm at 9pm??) Then he was like i just dont have the energy to argue with you I have surgery tomm, and im thinking why dont u pick up the phone and be nice....how much freaking energy does that take???/ does he think im stupid? HE MUST! I dont know what to do I need to get out of it NOW but i dont want to say anything now as i have to wait till he is done with this minor surgery. I cant be * * * * ed around with anymore. He strings me in and once im back in he treats me liket his and when i try and leave he pleads and * * * * ing runs back its so pathetic! I want him to leave me the * * * * alone. Excuse my language but i am furious at this point to think that he feels like he has the control! thats all he ever wants!

 

I am so angry and lost and nothing i say to him he will even understand i dont know what to doo

[Shyguy24]

Hey Lizzzy111

 

i am sure at a level you guys really connect , and have some good times. I mean i am not defending him for a minute, but he was probably really worried about surgery and that had him really strung up and anxious.

 

what i am saying is that it can be understandable if he was stressed about it and didn't take your call.

 

I am sure he cares and loves you , sometimes when people are under stress they need understanding and support.

 

I would let it go , on the basis of his surgery but not forget about it. When he is doing alright and when you guys are in a better place i would just smile at him and tell him ..now look here lover boy , u gotta treat me right or i am going to have to buy you a book on the topic.

 

Keep it light to the point and help him to help your relationship.

 

take it easy on yourself aswell ..with anger you will just cloud your thoughts.

 

Here ill give you a hug ...

[metrogirl]

Why don't you believe that he was with the surgeon?

[lizzzy111]

do you think its messed up for me to write to him ending this before he goes into surgery today?

[Shyguy24]

Lizzy dont end it without giving it some time , dont be hasty ..tell yourself i will think about this 2 days from today .

[lizzzy111]

i just dont believe that he was with his surgeon at 9 pm...its a little late i think.

 

I understand he is stressed about surgey but like he would be the first person i would want to talk to if i was having surgery...i guess im just sick of giving and not getting anything in return.

 

2 nights ago even he was like ignoring my calls and texts and then called me 5 hours later making up something about how he was doing this or this or this...its always something with him...always...

 

I have been with him for over a year now and things like this have been happening throughout...something tells me its not just about the surgery, cause there is always something ya know?

[mfmiami]

My ex used to play this game with me too. We broke up, yet were still spending time together for a while. He started doing that phone game...I'm at dinner, I'm with my friends, I'm tired I will call you tomorrow, etc.... Well, eventually I found out that he was seeing someone during that time - of course he couldn't answer the phone! I call that kind of stuff CRAZYMAKING ...go NC and call it a day - nothing good will come from this and you are only going to get hurt more.

[lizzzy111]

yeah...I have a feeling he is seeing someone else...but i dont know. We are long distance right now but he speaks of moving to where i live in a little while, meanwhile i have a flight booked to visit him in 2 months from now that he insited i book. do if he was going to be seeing someone wouldnt that not make sense? I dont know what to think.

[lizzzy111]

anyone else know what i should dooooo?

[Amasa]

Ok I'll tell you what I think but only because you asked.

 

Why are you blowing him up to tell him good luck on his surgery in the first place? Why would he call you about it?

I know it sucks to miss out on our exes big milestone events in their life. But the good thing about actually doing it is THEY NOTICE. THen instead of them being annoyed or arrogant about you calling. They are wondering what you are so busy doing that you didn't call.

 

The only way to win the game is to not play. You just need to pick up your toys and go home. I know it's easier said than done. But you should make it your goal to not call him after the surgery. See if he calls you. Does he care enough to tell you about it? Or does he just want to laugh about his crazy ex showing up with ridiculous amounts of flowers???

None of the crazy things I do with my ex get a response. But when I didn't acknowledge he b-day, he had a fit. And even better I maintained my self respect. I finally felt like I had some control.

[lizzzy111]

I totally get that but he is not my ex really. We speak everyday and we know mostly everything that goes on in eachothers lives. So he has been talking to me about this surgery since he found out he had to get it. I do understand that if he wanted to talk to me about it then he would call me..i guess im just hurt that he wouldnt but everyone is different right. And i assume that because he doesnt want to talk to me about it he doesnt care about me anymore. I wrote him an email this morning saying that I hope everything goes well and that was it. Now he can call me if he wants to talk to me about it or whatever. I have done what i can.

 

thanks for your input

[lizzzy111]

and when do these games end? I have done things like that and not callled and it def bothers him and catches his attention and then when he starts calling all the time and being so attentive i think its ok to expect things again (like phone calls b4 surgery). when do they ever stop? I cant play this back and forth control game for life...

[lizzzy111]

right. its who he is and if i want to continue to be in this than i will most likely have to put up with it forever. I really dont want to believe that just because he is young only 24 so its seems he might grow up and out of it...no? anyone?

[Amasa]

See and that's kinda sad. Let's say your plan works and as his doormat he allows you to stay in his life. You even get back together. If he doesn't respect you what's it worth to have a relationship where he is just taking taking taking and you have to constantly give more and more to be with him.

 

Do you think that will work for the long run? Do you think that you won't eventually lose your identity? Do you think that you won't become a bitter shell? Then anything that he did like about you would be gone also.

 

Whether you get back together or not, you have to maintain a level playing field. If we were all sitting in a sandbox and one of the boys started breaking your toys. You wouldn't go out buy new toys and give them to him to break. Right? You would take your toys and go home and maybe if the boy apologized you would play with him again.

 

Even when he starts being attentive and calling and whatever that's when you need to stay strong. If the minute he feels like he might miss you a little your right there he's never gonna figure it out.

 

Why are ya'll still hanging out after the break up anyway?

[allypally]

It could be that he was afraid of the surgery he was going to be having. Sometimes when people are afraid they become angry and/or aggressive.

 

Like someone else mentioned, he was probably very stressed and so took it out on his loved ones.

 

People are all different in this respect and his reaction is to bite at everyone.

[lizzzy111]

Amasa,

 

That was beautifully written and very clear. You are 100 % correct in what you are saying. we arent really hanging out since we ended things because he moved to another city, however he talks about moving back. But the crazy thing about it is that i have so much going on my life...i have so many amazing people in my life and its not like i am ever alone without him at all. I have things to look forward to that have nothing to do with him but for some reaosn he gets me to react in this weak way to him which is not how i am in every day life.

 

So i am going to stay strong and not give in but then doesnt that mean that i need to just cut him out? Because i cant be casual all the time and at some point i want to show my love for him..thats me thats how i operate. I dont want to be damned for showing my love after i have been aloof enough to the point where he is crazy about me...

 

what do you suggest i do from this point on?

 

thanks your thoughts are really helping to make things clear to me

[Amasa]

The NC is the correct way to go. Every single nc post on here is dead on and it is absolutly the best way to go.

 

The other things I like are: The fastest way to make someone realize that they don't want something is to give it to them.

So what did he say when ya'll broke up? He just wants to break up? THen I would absolutly go nc for a while until I saw an honest change, something more than him just missing you.

 

Did he say he wants to be friends>? He's not your BFF since ya'll are broke up. So I would ask myself how often would I call a generic friend who moved out of town. Once a month? Maybe.

 

I would also mimic his behavier. He doesn't call for six days? I wouldn't call him for 6. He takes 3 days to reply to a text, I would take that long to reply. I would only send one text for each text he sends you. And I would try to be the one who ends every conversation. I would also imagine his new gf (even if he doesn't really have one, ya'll r broke up and he could) sitting in his lap the entire time he's talking to you on the phone. Laughing and giggling over everything you say to him on the phone.

 

NC is totally the way to go. The other two are a little immature and it will just drag out the time it takes for ya'll to get back together or for you to get over him.

 

He needs to miss you and he can't do that if your there. What you don't want is to make it easier for him to get over you because your holding his hand through the break up. Because when he's done he'll drop you flat.

[lizzzy111]

So the day after his surgery i called him to see how he is doing..remember he is on so many meds....and he had the audacity and engery to yell at me about how i need to chill out and that when i call him and he cant talk i cant freak out.

 

the only time i freak out at all is when he doesnt get back to me for 6 hours or if i dont hear from him all day. he was Yelling at me and then i was like i dont feel like being yelled at im gonna go and he was like ok bye..like he didnt give a * * * * that he just upset me. i didnt hear back from him for the rest of the day.

 

I am so confused and hurt and i feel like he is doing this not only for control but because he is trying to get me to end things and be so fed up. but i have tryed to walk away and he never lets that happen

 

i guess now im just not going to call or contact him even though i do want to check on him since he did just have surgery...but if he is going to talk to me that way than why should i show him i care????

[Amasa]

You shouldn't care. I know you can't help it. But at very least you should make it look to him like you don't care.

You have to wait for him to call you.

[lizzzy111]

I know...im not going to call him i cant that would be so pathetic and I know im not a pathetic person. But when he does call me do i pick up? He pretty much told me before that he will call me when he can or has a second. But i know he is at home in bed and he isnt doing anything so why wouldnt he want to talk to me? he is over it and i feel like i am holding his hand threw it...i dont know what to do. what do i do when he does call me? what do i even say?

[Amasa]

OK people skills are not my strongest area. So I'm sorry this is going to sound mean, but it's the truth. And i'm in the same spot, so I also totally understand.

 

BUt you sound desperate and needy. You don't want to talk to him at all while you sound that way. And really you need to fill your days and nights with as much stuff as you can so that when he does call, your not answering. And maybe after you've done EVERYTHING else you can call him back.

He didn't fall for some needy chick that was following him around everywhere, talking about feelings all the time. No, he feel for a confident, independent woman. ANd you should not talk to him until you are that again.

If you want to get back together with him you need to heal yourself first. You need to get far enough away from the situation where you know that whether he comes back or not you'll be fine.

You don't want him back because life ceases to exist when he's not there. You want him back when you have a full complete life that he could complement.

[Kristin25]

I think that it is just web y'all are in. A cycle that relationships tend to get into. I would not end things with him before the surgery. If you want to be his strength, then be his strength. You can call him and leave him a nice, loving message saying that you love him and will do what he needs. Maybe send him a text telling him that you hope surgery goes well and that he can call you when he is ready. I know the waiting game sucks, but this surgery thing is sort of crossroads in the relationship. You both need to see that you will be there for each other when it is rough.

 

Also, men react very differently under stress than women. Women want to reach out and talk and talk and men basically do not want anyone to see that they are hurting or need help and generally look weak.

 

Be there for him. Be the rock for him without contacting him too much. Then see what happens. Care from a distance and it make all the difference.

 

If not, then decide where you will take it from there.

[lizzzy111]

thanks guys i appreciate your input. its been 24 hours and he hasnt called me since we last spoke and he yelled at me. I am not calling him. Im not sure why he hasnt called me when he is sitting at home but im not in his head so i dont know what he is thinking. he might be waiting for me to call him but i doubt it cause if he wants to talk to me he always makes a point to. in the meantime im not waiting arround for his call.

[heaven66]

Yes I agree with Shyguy..maybe he is nervous and you should be a little more supportive...But only you know if he is stringing you along...that would have to be something you need to think about and decide if this guy is worth your time.

If you do anything right now while you are angry you might regret it later..believe me I have been there..later I have had to swallow my pride and give in....wait before you decide anything.

[lizzzy111]

So turns out he is upset that i never called him. he thinks it was rude of me to not check up on him while he is in recovery. I see why he is upset but at the same time i thought he wanted his space. now i am stuck i feel like he thinks i dont want to be there for him or handled it in an immature way. i was really just trying to protect myself and not be so available but since he was in pain he thought it wasnt right on my part. now i dont think he wants to talk to me anymoer he ignored all my calls and texts last night. dont know what to do now...do i keep telling him sorry and chasing? or just let it be?