Is he just messing me about now?!

[AngryHeart]

I met a man on the internet, got very close to him but he has a girlfriend and family (yes yes I know) I never intended for anyone to get feelings for each other, we just got talking. But then I did get feelings for him, and apparently he I. After a few weeks he went into a speech on MSN about how he was thinking this about me: "Is this girl for real?", "Is it love? Lust?", "what could the future hold" etc. So we talked about our feelings etc. but then by the end of the night he had totally changed his mind to he has feeling for me, but nothing can happen in the future. He likes me more than a friend, but he loves me as a friend. * * * ? So I was like upset and everything, and said maybe it's best we just don't talk. But he pratically begged me to "stay" because he doesn't want to "lose our connection" or lose me.

 

So yeah, we carried on talking and I know it's wrong, but we ended up speaking dirty (don't judge me on that please, because I know it's wrong already...) But the thing I don't understand is, the next day he messaged me and I asked how he was feeling, and he said he felt guilty afterwards. But here's the thing. He didn't say he felt guilty towards his girlfriend, he said he felt guilty because nothing "real" could happen with us, and he didn't want things to be weird with us. And we kept talking, until we came to another conversation down the road about our feelings again. He said "sometimes I want you as a friend sincerly, sometimes I want you as my mistress" I said if there's really nothing that could happen in person in the future then we have to stop this, because I'm really falling for him. I said I couldn't be his bit on the side. He said he respected that. He said that it's not easy for him to lose me, that it's hard to bare.

 

And then it was all downhill from there. Now he hardly has time for me. And eventhough I know what he did was wrong (don't think he's admited it to himself though) I still really really miss him. We got close and had a strong bond. Now we will message each other a bit (sometimes me messaging first, sometimes him) but he'll usually just stop, even if I've asked him a question or something...he would have never done that before. And a couple weeks ago I was in a very very bad place...I suffer from depression. And I told him how I was feeling, and he said he was happy to be the one to try and help me. I messaged him back again, and in it I said thanks to him and that I loved him as a friend...which he's said to me before...and then nothing. Even when I told him how bad I was feeling, and that I was scared.

 

I got angry and a week later sent him an angry message, to which he replied asking if I felt better now I got that out. He apologised for not being around much lately, saying he has been busy with work and things. He said he feels a bit depressed because he was doing shows and now they've finished. I replied in an upbeat, postive way a few days later (last night) because I thought maybe I was being too serious and miserable and scaring him away.... and now no answer yet...maybe because he's not had time, I don't know. But sometimes I feel like I'm just his play thing. Am I? Surely all that couldn't have been about getting some cyber sex?! What should I do? I really hate losing people, but I feel like I'm going insane here! I know I'm the one that said I couldn't be his bit on the side, and as bad as this might sound, I sometimes regret that. And I just didn't expect him to become this distant and to lose him this much...I just want opinions on if people think he's taking me for a ride, or what? And what should I do? I'm like attached to him...It's pathetic and I feel so out of control!

[luvs2kayak]

It sounds like it's over, and you should be happy that it is... This is a "going nowhere" relationship and you're desperately trying to make it more than that. Stop wasting your time on him and find someone in real life so you can make a real relationship. You deserve better than this...

[bulletproof]

You've never met in person, right? The chances that you would hit it off in real life are not all that good. I'm not saying it never happens, but you are missing the key elements of attraction right now (smell, voice, etc.) that make people truly fall for each other.

 

thereforee, it's likely that you are in love with an idea than an actual person. He is on this pedestal because you've put him there, with your fantasy of what you want. Truth is, he's human like anyone else, and not all that, not to mention that he's got a gf and a family, which should send you running in the other direction anyway.

 

Stop messaging and move on with your life. To answer your question, yes, he is likely just playing with you, and if there are any real feelings on his end, clearly they are not strong enough. Find something else to give your energy to.

[Batya33]

Agree with bulletproof and you knew all the risks going in, all the downsides right away (as soon as he told you he is committed elsewhere) and you decided at that time that the benefits would be worth the risks. Sounds like you had fun flirting, talking dirty and getting romantic attention from a stranger on the internet. I'm not judging that that could be fun for some people - obviously it was fun and pleasurable for you. Now it's time for the downsides but again you're lucky because it's not a shock, right? You knew this from the beginning. Consider the title of your post but change it to "I'm just messing myself about now, right?" Right.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you fell for your own fantasy 'about' the guy, which was fed by his words--which mean zero. This guys offers you exactly what ... typing?

 

Anybody can give you that.

 

If you wonder whether the guy is a liar, just imagine how he speaks and acts toward his family, giving them no idea or notion of YOUR existence and what he's been saying to YOU.

 

Then multiply that by how many other women he plays with, and decide whether you're willing to settle for fantasizing about him among those ranks.

 

Bottom line; you haven't been played, you've been dis-illusioned. That's good, because your illusions are a waste of your time. Pull your mind back into your own control and direct it toward finding an available man who is worthy of your trust.

 

In your corner.

[AngryHeart]

You're all right I suppose, I guess I just needed to read it from other people. He seemed so perfect, in his personality, we seem to have so much in common. I guess I just chose to ignore the fact he has a family. I guess a lot of it is fantasy. It's real feelings, but I guess a lot of it is built around this fantasy I dreamed up. He obviously has problems to feel the need to do what he did, but that's not my problem, he has to ask himself. I guess I'm kinda grieving what we had...or what i thought we had.

 

But what do I do when he messages me? Do I ignore him? Tell him the truth? I'd hate to have to just totally ignore him, I'd feel guilty. Maybe that makes me an idiot after everything, but that's just how I would feel. I'd like to think I could be his "friend" but then that's probably not the wisest idea is it?

 

Thanks for the input everybody.

[catfeeder]

But what do I do when he messages me? Do I ignore him? Tell him the truth? I'd hate to have to just totally ignore him, I'd feel guilty. Maybe that makes me an idiot after everything, but that's just how I would feel. I'd like to think I could be his "friend" but then that's probably not the wisest idea is it?

 

Why not frame your question this way, "What should I say to a man who has children by a woman he won't honor enough to marry, whom he cheats on--and now he wants to make me one of the women he mistreats? How flattering is that, exactly?"

 

Please say nothing. Hold your head up and move forward. If you want to 'feel guilty,' think of this man's kids instead. How should any woman worth her integrity behave for them?

 

Feeling 'bad' isn't necessary. Learning to be smart and take small knocks without making them big and dramatic? Priceless.

 

In your corner.

[enchanted771]

I am so sorry that you got attached, i know how devastated you must feel. Its just always a bad idea to get involved with anyone who is attached already. I know it doesnt make you feel any better about it though. It will get easier you just need time. I think he might have been leading you on though and that was wrong of him.

[enchanted771]

You do need to ignore him. Dont allow him to take up any more space in your head. You are worth more than that. Be strong.

[AngryHeart]

Why not frame your question this way, "What should I say to a man who has children by a woman he won't honor enough to marry, whom he cheats on--and now he wants to make me one of the women he mistreats? How flattering is that, exactly?"

 

Please say nothing. Hold your head up and move forward. If you want to 'feel guilty,' think of this man's kids instead. How should any woman worth her integrity behave for them?

 

Feeling 'bad' isn't necessary. Learning to be smart and take small knocks without making them big and dramatic? Priceless.

 

In your corner.

 

You're right. His poor kids...I couldn't break two innocent little girls hearts, because I've been in those shoes when I was a kid. I have to keep thinking about them. And his girlfriend...this is one of the main things I don't get. He says he loves her, and he's "happy with her...as happy as I can be having been with her 12 years and having 2 kids" So that means? I took it meaning he loves her, but it's not very "fun" anymore. He said that he's confused why he likes me when he loves his girlfriend, but he thinks he could love two people at the same time. (That sentence in itself is kind of contradicting right...) But he doesn't seem to think what he done was a form of cheating...at least he doesn't seem to admit to it anyway. It's all confusing and messy and wrong, but I can't seem to shake him off. I have to, I don't have much choice anymore anyway...

 

I just wonder if his girlfriend will ever find out he emotionally cheats...he's admitted to me that he's had fantasies about other girls, but that it never went as far as what he did with me. But it's startign to look more and more like I was just one of his "fantasies" Yet he led me to think he maybe even LOVED me. Was that on purpose? He seemed so nice.. But all this when he knows I suffer from depression and have been through a lot in life already! I remember once he got mad at me because I questioned his feelings for me...he was like " * * * * you" because I apparently dismissed his feelings for me.What does he expect? Obviously I'm gonna question his feelings for me when it's been mixed messages, and he has a girlfriend.

And you guys really think I should just coldly ignore him? Not even any explanation or anything? It's gonna be hard. I don't want to stop going on the site I know him from though because I have friends on there, and have been going on there for years.

 

I feel so dumb, because now reading this back it's all so clear. But I just keep thinking "but maybe..." I seem to ignore huge red flags in guys a lot...

 

EDIT: Oh man! I just rememberd him once telling me I'm in his "people that give him an ego boost" .............I'm such an idiot. Oh well, at least it's all obvious to me now and I can move on. His poor girlfriend eh...

[D_Lish]

He sounds like the guy I DUMBLY got involved with. He was married, with two little girls also....could be the same bloke seeing we are both in England LOL!!

 

It probably isn't 'just' his gf....she will be his WIFE!

 

Yeah, he and I met online and it began as all 'innocent' and just chat. Then I'd started to develop feelings for him and he said he had for me also. He would say he loved his wife and his to girls he reckoned he absolutely doted on. I'd thought the same as you....that if he loved his wife, why then was he pissing around online with me???? I would stop communication with him because I felt such a * * * * * and because at the end of the day, I had no right to be in this mans life. But it was hard to let go and he wouldn't let me go 'that' easily. Said he'd be devastated to lose our friendship.....

 

To cut a long story short, he'd led me to believe he'd loved me...... and I was gullible enough to fall for it as many other thousands of other women do online.

 

My opinion.....you and I both, boosted nothing more than their egos and that is what they are looking for...an EGO boost and to feel 'desirable' again.

 

He'd choose his gf and kids over you anyday......dont go kidding yourself he wont!!

[bulletproof]

Why are you going to feel guilty for ceasing contact with him? Wouldn't you feel a lot more guilty if you got involved with someone who has a family?

 

I'm not sure how the online forum where you met him works, but if possible, you can just be polite and friendly and leave it at that. You don't have to make a grand announcement about cutting him off if you're not comfortable with that. But you don't have to play his games with him, either. Just keep it impersonal, and if he messages you personally ignore it, but when it's in an online group setting keep it polite and neutral.

[AngryHeart]

Oh dear God, there are a lot of these people about right. I'm sorry you went through it as well. People really go that far to get an ego boost?? That's madness right there. Surely they can't feel that fullfilled in their relationships to do this?

 

I guess he got with his girlfriend when he was like 19, 20. And he probably is somewhat bored even if he loves her. And he probably did want to see that he could still get other female's attention...the jerk. It's just hard because I keep thinking about all the nice parts about him, and the way we used to talk... The thing is I know he'll message me back eventually. When I hadn't messaged him before for about a week he'd message me.

 

He says he isn't in any rush to get married, because two kids are a commitment enough.......haha, commitment eh?

 

 

 

I don't knwo why I feel guilty about ignoring him. I'm just stupid! Which is probably why he chose to get his ego boosts out of me, because I was easy and young and silly. But yes, that's what I will try and do. I won't make a big scene or anything, because that'll again make me look stupid. I'll just treat him like any other member on the board, and when he private messages me ignore it. Grrr... I feel like just ranting at him telling him how mad I am. But I'd look like the better person to just leave it now, right?

[D_Lish]

Oh...and he probably doesnt have much time for you now, because he knows your little 'secret' can't go any further. He can't and probably doesn't want to take things to 'real' life with you and he probably never had any intentions in doing so. If his feelings had been 'real'....he'd have been willing to risk everything for you...and errrm, he appears not to want too.

 

Men online are usually all talk and no action. They are looking an escape from the humdrum of daily life....nothing more.

 

Cut him off and out, as I did and I didnt regret it!!!!

[catfeeder]

I don't knwo why I feel guilty about ignoring him. I'm just stupid! Which is probably why he chose to get his ego boosts out of me, because I was easy and young and silly. But yes, that's what I will try and do. I won't make a big scene or anything, because that'll again make me look stupid. I'll just treat him like any other member on the board, and when he private messages me ignore it. Grrr... I feel like just ranting at him telling him how mad I am. But I'd look like the better person to just leave it now, right?

 

It's not about looking a certain way to him--stop making him so important. It's about suddenly getting SMART and dropping something that is NOT. You might try finding a different board to post on and leave him in the dust. If that makes you feel 'guilty' you're fooling yourself--you're still looking for his flattery. Otherwise how your screen name 'appears' to him wouldn't concern you in the least.

 

Go FORward!

[D_Lish]

Hon, everything you are saying is exact same to everything that happened in my situation. It's like you are me and are telling my story!! LOL

 

Course they do it to get an ego boost. There is nothing more exciting for a man, to know that he is highly desired by other females and particularly a very bored guy, who may feel that he is not getting the attention at home that he wants. Men like to feel desired....makes them feel good about themselves, makes them think they havn't 'lost their appeal', that they still have what it takes and despite being married with kids.

 

Men like this tend to prey on vulnerable women, women who come accross as having 'low self esteem'. Because let's face it.....women who get involved with a guy with committments, obviously have little self esteem, else they wouldn't entertain a partnered/married man.

 

They play the 'knight in shining armour', listen to you talk of all your problems and they are always there to listen and they greatly sympathise with you. ....this is one of the ways they get you to fall for them. They will tell you that they really like you, tell you how they'd be with you, if only they were not married.

 

It's almost like they encourage feelings to happen, then when we show feelings, they back completely off and because they have absolutely no intention of taking anything to real life.....it's called 'leading on' and is all a game to them.

 

And when you stop playing, he will replace you and find someone else who will boost his flagging ego.....as the married guy did in my situation!

[bulletproof]

I don't knwo why I feel guilty about ignoring him. I'm just stupid! Which is probably why he chose to get his ego boosts out of me, because I was easy and young and silly. But yes, that's what I will try and do. I won't make a big scene or anything, because that'll again make me look stupid. I'll just treat him like any other member on the board, and when he private messages me ignore it. Grrr... I feel like just ranting at him telling him how mad I am. But I'd look like the better person to just leave it now, right?

 

Forget about how you will look- don't rant at him simply because it's pointless to do so. If you start contacting each other, even to say how angry you are, that's still contact you don't need to have.

 

And don't say you're stupid. You made a bad choice, and it's not that big of a deal. It's not like you met in real life and had sex with him or anything too serious. Just take the lesson and move on.

[AngryHeart]

I can't believe it was all an act. Like you think he really has no feelings for me at all?! He sent me a song saying the lyrics were to me, a nice song about being in love and all this. I love that song and it's gonna be a bit tainted now! lol. And said how if I lived closer he dunno who he'd pick. All this to feel desirable? Ugh, people are so cruel. It really hurts. But everything you said is so right, it's how he acted and now he has no time for me. And once he knew that I was big time falling for him it all went weird. I guess he got what he wanted then...I know it was mostly a fantasy, but I still can't help feeling really hurt. I just don't understand how someone could treat someone that way all for their ego!! I could never live with myself doing that!! Ughh, I hate this hurt feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're both right. It's about me not him. I gotta try and get all my feelings for him out of my system and move on. It's just so tempting to get everything off my chest to him. But then that's just more contact that he's not really going to give a sh!t about. Thanks guys.

[D_Lish]

I'm not saying the guy didn't perhaps develop some kind of feelings for you......but they were not 'strong' enough feelings for you, else he'd have been willing to risk all and take it to the 'real' world.

We can develop feelings for someone online. But if people are being 'genuine' and feelings are mutual, it usually and often goes to the 'real world'.

 

Then you get people who are just looking for the 'fantasy'.....an online relationship, with no intention of taking it anywhere other than online...

Relives boredom, adds a bit excitement for them.

 

I for one, know how 'innocently' all this can start because I've been there. Last thing I had been looking for, was any kind of relationship with anybody and in particular, I wasn't looking to get involved with a married guy. Guess I'd chatted with him and continued to chat with him, cuz I'd felt 'safe' chatting to him and I'd thought he wouldn't try to come onto me and because he was married with kids. He'd said from the outset that he was just looking for friends, that he was very happily married.....so yeah, I'd believed him and continued to chat. Suddenly, I found myself looking forward to chatting with him and wanting to chat.....and I tried to cut him off, found I couldn't....my guess is, the same happened to you.

 

Your best bet is to just not to contact him at all and forget him, as I did. Pointless to make a scene, cuz the guy obviously cares little for you anyway and your angry words wont affect him in the slightest...

He will simply move onto his next victim!

[AngryHeart]

I messed up. Earlier I messaged him saying I was wondering how he is, how are things? It had been nearly two weeks since any contact and I was the last one to contact him. I regret it already because I know nothing can, or should, happen with him and contacting him is trying to hold onto something. I just miss him and the closeness, even if it was based on, uh...not a lot and even if it was wrong, blah blah. I just miss him and feel sad.

 

Someone talk some sense into me? What should I do now? I need to get the heck over him already...](*,) I'm a fool!

[D_Lish]

I messed up. Earlier I messaged him saying I was wondering how he is, how are things? It had been nearly two weeks since any contact and I was the last one to contact him. I regret it already because I know nothing can, or should, happen with him and contacting him is trying to hold onto something. I just miss him and the closeness, even if it was based on, uh...not a lot and even if it was wrong, blah blah. I just miss him and feel sad.

 

Someone talk some sense into me? What should I do now? I need to get the heck over him already...](*,) I'm a fool!

 

Just cut all contact, it's what I did and as hard as it was....I just went total cold turkey on him.

 

You are pursuing the 'unavailable', something you know can never be yours....the guy is out of bounds and is taken by another woman and has kids. Knowing that should be enough to make you realise, you are wasting your precious time and energy.

[midnightrambler]

he is messing with you

[AngryHeart]

Why do I find it hard to believe he's just messing with me? I don't understand why he would say all the things he did, while he has a girlfriend, if he didn't mean it. What if she had found out?! Woud he really risk that just for his ego?!

 

Anyway, either way I know I have to ignore him now. He's not even replied to my last message yet, and even if he does I know I need to ignore it and get over it. It's just hard when someone made you feel(fake or not) that they really liked you, and you felt really close, etc.

 

But he can't even reply to me asking him friendly how he is. So much for wanting to remain "good friends" Idiot!

[D_Lish]

Why do I find it hard to believe he's just messing with me? I don't understand why he would say all the things he did, while he has a girlfriend, if he didn't mean it. What if she had found out?! Woud he really risk that just for his ego?!

 

.....People can say anything they want too online and anonymously....its all just WORDS on a screen at the end of the day

But if they meant what they were saying.....they would follow it through with ACTION!

 

But he can't even reply to me asking him friendly how he is. So much for wanting to remain "good friends" Idiot!

 

The fact he doesn't even reply, should tell you how little you mean to him....and I dont mean that harshly btw.

 

Just forget him. Know it's hard, but you never met this guy, you never met the 'real' him....