How long does it take you to feel pain from a break up?

[keith515]

My ex and I have been broken up for 3 months. Now, is when I am starting to feel the pain.

 

There are a couple of reasons for it:

1) I was traveling a lot.

2) I was studying a lot on the weekends.

3) She has a new BF.

4) She has initiated NC.

 

I found out she has a BF a week and a half ago. Apparently they have been together for at least a month now, probably longer.

 

But now I am having a hard time feeling better about the break up. I did it, in a fit of rage. I wasn't feeling lonely or missing her or sad to the relationship had ended initially. We were still communicating with each other about once a week. I know the NC adds to it, but it just sucks now to feel the pain, when she is possibly getting over me with her new BF.

 

Is having such a delayed pain reaction common? Does this mean I may not have really loved her? (She wasn't the best of GF's. Rude at times, alcoholic, bad temper, not easy-going, complained a lot.)

 

When my ex-fiance broke up many years ago, the same thing happened. I didn't miss her at first nor was I willing to go on. But when she stopped talking to me, I started to miss her and contacted her over a 6 month time.

[kadvati79]

It sounds like you initiated the breakup? In which case, what you are describing is extremely common. In my experience I have always felt an initial wave of relief when breaking up. Then, slowly, you begin to come to terms with just what you did, and sometimes you will question if it was the right thing.

 

Moments such as finding they have a partner, finding they are happy, these things - they can cause you periods when you might second guess or feel bad about it ending. In general, these feelings quickly disappear if you revisit in your mind the reasons why you broke up with them in the first place.

 

Love doesn't really always have a lot to do with breakups. People often end up breaking up because of all the other things except love. You can love someone very much and still need to break up with them. Maybe you loved her, maybe you didn't, but I suspect this had been building for sometime. The advice is the same for people on both sides, time will clarify your feelings.

[keith515]

It sounds like you initiated the breakup? In which case, what you are describing is extremely common. In my experience I have always felt an initial wave of relief when breaking up. Then, slowly, you begin to come to terms with just what you did, and sometimes you will question if it was the right thing.

 

I did the initial break up.

Yea, relief was probably what I felt. I guess that's what I'm doing now, is questioning if I did the right thing.

 

Especially after reading about how much of an alcoholic she was/is. I was reading a forum she was on and she talked about how she realized she was an alcoholic and actually suffered from gastritis because of the drinking. She got sober for 2 years but hasn't gotten back on the wagon in over a year.

[dreamwarrior]

Very well said...I totally agree!! Even with all the pain and misery I had with my ex I know that we could never be together...doesn't mean I will ever stop loving him, just I cannot live with him anymore. I feel sad right now, because I decided not to go back with him, but, I believe in time I will be happy again...it's up to me to make myself happy not anyone elses responsibility.

 

best wishes

[keith515]

I guess that is part of my problem, a co-dependency problem I guess, I was always trying to make her happy and not myself happy. That's what I need to focus on!!!!

 

I started questioning things like maybe I should have done this or that after the break up.

[Jake.]

I guess that is part of my problem, a co-dependency problem I guess, I was always trying to make her happy and not myself happy. That's what I need to focus on!!!!

 

I started questioning things like maybe I should have done this or that after the break up.

 

That's what I'm doing even though I know it will get me no where. And the make them happy, but not yourself, even though you feel you are, I can also relate.

[Robert013]

I agree that you still love her. The pain is most likely coming from the fact that she has a new BF. Like icemotoboy said it usually takes something like this to start the feeling. I have heard that many dumper's do not start to grieve until there ex moves on. So this is normal you are now grieving the loss of the relationship. You were to destracted before because you were to busy. Findind this out just triggered it. Everyone has to go through it. Dumper and Dumpee. You will be okay but I don't think these things go away in a week or two. So give yourself time.

[keith515]

I agree that you still love her. The pain is most likely coming from the fact that she has a new BF. Like icemotoboy said it usually takes something like this to start the feeling. I have heard that many dumper's do not start to grieve until there ex moves on. Findind this out just triggered it. Everyone has to go through it. Dumper and Dumpee. You will be okay but I don't think these things go away in a week or two. So give yourself time.

 

 

Thanks for the words. Yea, the BF triggered the feelings. I used to feel better about the break up by reading what I wrote. It made me justify for breaking up.

 

But the NC combined with the new BF really makes me feel the relationship is over and I HAVE NO CONTROL over it. Before, when we talked occasionally, I didn't feel that bad because at least she talked to me.

 

It's interesting that the dumper doesn't start to grieve until the dumpee moves on. I guess it's because the dumper feels that maybe I can still get back with her since she is still single. But once the dumpee moves on, it's ALL over, and that is depressing to acknowledge but it's the only thing to do. Acceptance.

[kadvati79]

It's interesting that the dumper doesn't start to grieve until the dumpee moves on. I guess it's because the dumper feels that maybe I can still get back with her since she is still single. But once the dumpee moves on, it's ALL over, and that is depressing to acknowledge but it's the only thing to do. Acceptance.

Bingo. It's the dumper's curse. Everyone grieves for the loss of a relationship eventually. However, sometimes the dumper does it DURING the relationship, PRIOR to the breakup. I've had that happen a few times, and simply walked away with relief.

[Robert013]

Bingo. It's the dumper's curse. Everyone grieves for the loss of a relationship eventually. However, sometimes the dumper does it DURING the relationship, PRIOR to the breakup. I've had that happen a few times, and simply walked away with relief.

 

Some people do move on before the end but they usually also have someone lined up.

 

My ex was in a rebound in less than a week and she never talked to this guy before that I knew of. I see no reason to believe she had we were together almost every second of the day. She just fell for the first guy to show interest. She admitidly said it would hurt her to see me with another person. She is still trying to contact me and I have been in NC for over a month now. She is still with this guy so why try and contact me?

 

She will get the dumpers curse I am sure once I move on.